I am the Lexx
I am the most powerful weapon of distraction in the two Universes.

LEXX: RATED

790: This is the Lexx. It’s a spaceship. But it’s also a big bug. And this is me. Again. Ok, ok! So I’m a robothead! But just for now I hope. Lexx, let’s tell our story.
LEXX: We can only tell our story so far because our story is far from over. While traveling along just now I into a time space anomaly.
790: And I think the anomaly is giving me a strangely clear sense of clarity is that who I am or rather clearly was.
LEXX: And I am experiencing an unfamiliar lucidity as well.
790: Relative lucidity... You can start telling our story now, Lexx.
LEXX: My captain is Stanley Tweedle. I do everything he commands.
790: The utterly useless,
totally incompetent,
incredibly repulsive,
completely cowardly,
absolutely abominable Stanley H Tweedle is unfortunately in fact our captain.
And he’s constantly getting himself and everyone else in problems.

STAN: I must be in the wrong place....
791: Not at all, Stan. You're exactly in the right place, for what I have in mind.

790: But there’s also two other crew members: the dead man Kai and Zev... gorgeous wonderful likable Zev!

If I only had a tongue I would place it on her lips.
If I only had a tongue I would slide it down her hips.
If I only had a tongue I would make her grunt and squeak.
If I only had a tongue I would plant it on her kip.

LEXX: I thought that we were going to tell our story so far.
790: Sorry. Let’s go back to the security guard. Get that out of the way first.
Stanley Tweedle was one of the Ostral B heretics, the enemies of the Divine Order. The one day coming back from a sex satellite he let His Shadow’s forces right into his own camp.

GUARD: Vessel approaching at 3 quadrant, identify yourself
STAN: It's me, assistant deputy backup courier Stanley Tweedle. We're all human, and I - um, I was just using up my extra time usefully patrolling the perimeter, doing what little I can
GUARD: All vessels to battle stations! League intruder approaching in 3 quadrant
STAN: No, it's me, Stanley Tweedle, assistant deputy backup courier. I was just visiting the Celes pleasure transport! Divine Shadow upon me!

790: All the Ostral B heretics were killed except Stanley Tweedle.

STAN: Ostral B heretics, come in. This is assistant deputy backup courier Stanley Tweedle. I'm low on air and awaiting instructions. Ostral B heretics please come in. This is assistant deputy backup courier Stanley Tweedle awaiting instructions.
FEPPO: This is SubCom Feppo, Ostral B Sector 245 command. Tell us where you are, Stanley Tweedle, and we'll come and say hello
STAN: I'm transmitting my co-ordinates - Can't you tell where I am by my signal, SubCom Feppo?
FEPPO: Your direct signal is too weak. We are reconstructing reflections
STAN: How do I know you're the real thing?
FEPPO: Who else would be way out here scanning low power signals?
STAN: Mercenaries
FEPPO: Suffocation is not exactly a nice way to die. Tell me Stanley, how often do ships normally pass this way? And aren't we both transmitting on an encrypted stream I didn't know any mercenaries had access to?
STAN: OK, I buy that.
FEPPO: Thank you, Stanley Tweedle. And Stanley?
STAN: Yes, SubCom Feppo?
FEPPO: How do spell sucker?

790: Stanly did not exactly hold up on the torture. And the Divine Order soon found the amino acids codes hidden in his teeth, which they used to destroy the 94 reform planets. Stanley himself was taken on the Cluster and made a security guard. And has been famous as the arch traitor Stanley Tweedle ever since.

OLD MAN: You! You, I know you! Stanley Tweedle - it's him! Stanley Tweedle! Murderer! Stanley Tweedle - oh!

790: But Stanly could not cut it. Even as a fourth class security guard. And it wasn’t long before he was in trouble again.

GUARD: You must enter yourself into correction centre number 40 before watch change today, Stan… Stanley Tweedle. And may His Merciful Shadow fall upon you.

STAN: I was supposed to escort a prisoner here - Stanley Tweedle 467329-43 Department 511 Level 4
GUARD: Yeah?
STAN: He is refusing to turn himself in
GUARD: Yeah?
STAN: I thought that if you told me what his punishment would be for not showing up, that might help persuade him
GUARD: Oh - give me that number again
STAN: 467329-43 Department 511 Level 4
GUARD: If he's not here when we close at watch change - termination order will be issued automatically. That's about, er, twenty minutes
STAN: Termination?!
GUARD: That's what it says - termination
STAN: But he's a designated data co-operator, he can't be terminated because he might be needed someday for important information
GUARD: DDC, eh? Oh, sorry - that expired five months ago. Let's see - he's a level 4, class 47 transgression, normally - cauterisation. But he's got 991 demerits and there's a special rotation so, looks like 1 to 3 organs
STAN: 1 to 3 organs?
GUARD: He'll have to donate 1 to 3 organs, depending on demand
STAN: Demand?
GUARD: Demand for soft organs is red hot right now, so he's pretty sure to be a triple donor
STAN: But he didn't do anything, it's just a mix-up!
GUARDS: Life's a mix-up, huh?
STAN: What organs?
GUARDS: Usual combo - eyeball, kidney, testicle. If they want bone, they'll take an arm or a leg, but we haven't done a limb cut in days. I'd suggest he turn himself in. After all - triple organ's better than a termination
STAN: Hh - may His Merciful Shadow fall upon you

790: Stanley Tweedle did not do well under adverse circumstances… and his circumstances were becoming more and more adverse.

STAN: 3 organs. 3 organs. Better than termination...
ГОЛОС: This correction centre is now closed.
STAN: It's me! I'm here, I am!
VOICE: Fugitive alert. Fugitive alert. This fugitive wanted, for immediate termination

Transcription - Lunatic

3 Rated LEXX Kai

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