I am the Lexx. I am the most powerful weapon of destruction in the two universes. I was grown on the Cluster, which is ruled by His Shadow. The food was good there.
My captain is Stanley Tweedle. I blow up planets for him. Stanley used to be a security guard class 4 on the Cluster, until he became a fugitive
This fugitive wanted, for immediate termination
He is my captain now because he got my key from heretics who wanted to steal me
Take us away from here, take us out past the frontier, take us someplace better!
But he was the one who took me away.
Stan was helped by Zev of B3K. She was made into a love slave as punishment for failing to perform her wifely duties, but things went wrong. Now she is part Cluster lizard, so sometimes she is not a nice lady
See ya, lover boy!
A robot head, 790, got part of the love slave transformation that was meant for her
I will love you forever
He is in my crew too. Because she is a love slave, Zev likes men
Hi
except for Stanley Tweedle. The only other man on board is Kai, last of the Brunnen G, but he is dead so he can't make Zev happy. 2000 years ago, Kai's planet was destroyed by His Shadow and all of his people were killed. They kept Kai's body and used him as an assassin
Who would you like me to kill?
but he got his memory back from a Divine Predecessor and then he became part of my crew. The Time Prophet said that Kai would destroy His Shadow's order
They will be destroyed at the hands of the Brunnen G
But that will be hard because his protoblood is running out and he must stay inside a very cold box
Be certain of your need before you choose to reanimate me
My crew are afraid of His Shadow, the ruler of the Light Universe
My priority must now be to end this prophecy
His Shadow wants me back, and he wants his Divine Predecessors back too. But he especially wants Kai destroyed because he is afraid of the prophecy. Zev, Kai and Stan don't want that. They took me beyond His Shadow's reach through a fractal core into the Dark Zone, the universe of evil and chaos
Kai!
And now we are looking for a new home
In the Light Universe, I have been darkness. Perhaps in the Dark Zone, I will be light.

(The Lexx is flying through space. 790 is on the bridge, watching the view screen)

790: All night by the Zev Zev
All night by the Zev I lay
I found her tongue along my casing
Licking the dirt away

(Stan and Zev are in the galley)

STAN: A meat loaf please Lexx, not too spicy, kind of medium spicy, and a few vegetables, preferably high in fibre, and a triple chocolate double dipped sweet Cluster fry, and sparkling water

(Something yellow and gloopy drops out of the nozzle)

STAN: That's not quite what I ordered
LEXX: I try my best, Stan

790: All aft by the Zev Zev
All aft by the Zev I lay
I felt her tongue -

(A man appears on the view screen. He doesn't look well)

BOG: Hello out there. Oops, ha! I'm trying. Is there anybody out there? Right. This is interesting, right?

790: Love muff - muffin! Love muff - muffin!

(Stan and Zev arrive on the bridge)

790: I picked up an intelligent signal from a remote drone, my sweet sex bomb of luscious love potion

BOG: Why not come and visit the secondary resource planet Klaagia. Some planets are good. Other planets are not
ZEV: What is a secondary resource planet?
BOG: Excuse - We have plenty, plenty and more. Excuse me. Yes. So, if you wanna go by the numbers, we are the sixth planet. We're almost on a direct line between Marva and Dusak, but since the war they're all gone, so, excuse me again. Survival is the key. It's that time again

(There is something moving under a bandage on his neck. He hits his neck, and someone puts a hand over the camera, and the screen goes blank)

STAN: Ooh, yuck - I wanna spend my next vacation there!

(The picture comes back. The man seems slightly better)

BOG: Methinks you should check us out. Healthy tourism is always on the menu. We want more people, people who are fresh. People are like flowers - they sprout, they bloom, and then they die. But, everything dies in the end, so - come on over. Look at me - I'm OK. Ooh, I think it's -

(Someone turns off the camera)

STAN: Do we have a fix on that planet?
790: As you can see, security guard class retard, the signal comes from a remote probe, not the planet itself, and the recording on the probe did not provide useful information for determining the planet's location
STAN: Well, if you figure out where it is, I wanna make it a candidate for target practice, put them out of their misery
790: The probe is slow-moving and there are no planets nearby. They are probably already out of their misery
STAN: Never too late to blow the place up
ZEV: But it might have some food
STAN: I may be hungry Zev - but not that hungry

(The Lexx flies past the probe)

BOG: We want more people, people who are fresh, so come, visit Klaagia

(Weeks later. Stan and Zev are in the galley. All the nozzle can manage now is a trickle)

STAN: Food, Lexx! Food, food, food, food, food!
ZEV: We should have tried to find that secondary resource planet Stan. It's all we've come across so far
STAN: That was weeks ago! I don't care about then, I care about now!
All I want is a teeny weeny plate of edible food Lexx, it's not a lot to ask. You're a big ship, and I'm getting really really hungry, and I just need something to take the edge off. OK?
LEXX: My reserves are -
STAN: Don't say it again! I don't wanna hear it
LEXX: I am hungry. If I do not feed, I cannot produce food for you
STAN: But we've gotta do something, I'm starving
ZEV: We are going to have to find our own food
STAN: Oh!

(They take a moth to the P Chamber. Stan has brought a mini barbecue/grill)

STAN: Divine Predecessors - it's barbecue time! Any volunteers?
DPS: Think about what you are doing. We are a tremendous library of knowledge
STAN: And an excellent source of protein
DP: Please - eat the sixteenth Shadow, he deserves it
DP: He baked heretics by the hundreds and served them up at dinner parties
DP: That's a lie! I never did any such thing. They're all out to get me, they always have been. No, no! Please!

(Stan takes the brain out and puts it on the grill)

DP: Ah!
STAN: Oh, holy lizards

(He throws the scorched brain onto the floor)

STAN: I can't go through with it

(Zev picks the brain up, looks at it, pulls a face and puts it back in its compartment)

ZEV: We have to eat something
STAN: I know, I know, but they put me off my appetite. Time to wake Kai
ZEV: No. We can't. He's only got a few days of protoblood left
STAN: Kai said wake him if there's a crisis, and this is a crisis

(In the cryochamber, Stan works the controls - they beep, but nothing happens)

ZEV: I think you should get 790
STAN: Look, I've worked cryogenic tubes before, this one's not that different. I'm almost there

(He tries again, without success)

STAN: It's not my fault, I'm not the one that smashed it

(He hits a button, and the cryopod finally opens - but Kai doesn't move)

STAN: Is he dead?
ZEV: He has been dead for 2000 years
STAN: No, not alive dead, I mean dead dead
ZEV: Kai? Kai! Kai

(Stan touches him)

STAN: He's freeze dried

(Stan uses a probe to check Kai's eyes)

STAN: Pupils aren't dilating

(Zev takes two electric cables)

ZEV: I have to make sure

(She attaches the cables to either side of Kai's head, sending electricity through him)

STAN: Enough, enough!

(He pulls her away)

STAN: Admit it Zev, Kai is dead

(Zev reattaches the cables, but it's clear nothing is going to happen. Stan pulls her away again)

STAN: It's over

(The Lexx shakes suddenly)

STAN: What was that? Listen
ZEV: I don't know

(The Lexx is being hit by chunks of rock. Stan and Zev go to the bridge)

ZEV: Asteroids?
790: I think not, sweet one
ZEV: Then what?
790: Planets. Exploded remains of planets
ZEV: Did you set a new course?
STAN: No
790: I believe the Lexx is acting on its own

(The Lexx is heading towards a dull, dead planet)

LEXX: I am very hungry
STAN: So are we. Any sign of life down there?
LEXX: I do not know, but the surface seems to consist of a degenerative organic material, which should satisfy my nutritional needs
ZEV: 790? What can you tell?
790: Life bearing planets usually emit electromagnetic flux, except very primitive ones. There are no indications of electromagnetic activity on this one
STAN: If it has organic material, shouldn't it contain life?
ZEV: Maybe it once did
790: I believe it is an orbiting dumpsite used for generalised waste disposal - your basic garbage planet
STAN: Then I say we waste it - blow it up
ZEV: Why?
STAN: I have a bad feeling about it. Besides, I hate garbage

(Stan puts his hand on the template)

ZEV: Stan - if the Lexx eats, you eat. Besides, there's something else we have to do

(The Lexx makes a very bumpy landing. The little mandibles at the front start shovelling bits of the planet's surface into its mouth. A moth flies out, carrying Stan, Zev, 790 - and Kai's body, which flops onto Stan)

STAN: Can't we just bury him out in space?
790: Stanley Tweedle, I despise you

(790's eyes show Stan's head being crushed. Stan blows a raspberry at him)

(Later, by a junk heap, Stan and Zev are digging a hole. They put Kai's body into an old metal case, which they start covering with dirt)

STAN: So - this is like the video benediction they give you before they shove you into the protein bank?
ZEV: No Stan. It's more respectful. On my planet, they bury their dead
STAN: I wouldn't wanna be left here if I was dead
ZEV: When you're dead, you don't care
STAN: So, why are we doing this?

(Zev says nothing. When the chest is covered, they stand up)

ZEV: Go ahead
STAN: Uh - Kai. Uh - thanks for not killing us. And also for getting us through the fractal core, we appreciate that, so, uh, thanks - and I guess in a way it's better now that you are gone, because you did spend most of the last 2000 years killing people
ZEV: Stan - that wasn't really Kai who did all that
STAN: He did, Zev, he killed thousands of people
ZEV: No. His Shadow was controlling his body

(Zev doesn't know what to say)

ZEV: Last of the Brunnen G -
Last of the Brunnen G - if you were alive -
Last of the Brunnen G - if you were alive - I'd want you to be the first man - I - I used to want to die, but now I want to live. I think that's because, after meeting you, I realised that people aren't always that bad
I feel bad
Goodbye Kai

(Stan and Zev walk away. The Lexx is still feeding)

STAN: So?
ZEV: What?
STAN: Let's get out of here?
ZEV: What's your hurry?
STAN: The sooner we're back on the Lexx the better I'm gonna feel. This place gives me the creeps
ZEV: We've got our whole lives to spend on the Lexx if you want Stan
STAN: Look, er, it's, er, not good news, what happened but, er, we're all we've got now, and we're alive -
ZEV: So it's just you and me
790: And me!
STAN: Yeah. A man, a woman
790: And a robot head!
STAN: Stan. Zev. Zev and Stan, together. The two of us
ZEV: You're right Stan, I do need you. I need your magic hand, guiding your big ship in the Dark Zone so I can finally find a real man

(Stan pulls a face. They take off in the moth)

ZEV: 790 - is there any sign of life on this dump?
790: Clearly this planet was inhabited at one time, honey blossom. During our landing I believe - I mean, I think I observed -
ZEV: Go on
790: Nothing of importance
ZEV: Tell me!
790: An abandoned habitational structure not far from this position. But I do not recommend that you go there
STAN: Ditto. The sooner we get off this trash heap the better
ZEV: Stan - don't you have any curiosity? Any sense of adventure?
STAN: Not on this planet
ZEV: Well, I do. Carnivores like to explore - it's part of our nature
790: Actually the fool is right, love of loves. I recommend we return to the Lexx and stay onboard until it completes its feeding
ZEV: Recommendation ignored

(Zev turns the moth away from the Lexx, and it heads for the base)

ZEV: It looks like there were a lot of people here once
STAN: Not any more

(Through a window, Zev sees somebody walking inside the base)

ZEV: I saw someone. We're landing
STAN: Zev - Lexx has been eating for a long time. I'm sure the galley's working by now. There's no reason for us to land

(The moth lands on a platform beside the base. Zev gets out, taking 790 with her)

STAN: What're you doing? Didn't you hear what I just said? Let's go. What are you doing?
ZEV: Coming?
STAN: You've got ten minutes only, then I'm outta here
ZEV: Don't you even joke about leaving me behind, Stanley Tweedle

(Zev walks inside the building)

STAN: Boy, she is so stupid

(Inside the building looks dark, dirty and abandoned. Zev hides behind a pipe, holding 790 up so he can check out the corridor)

ZEV: Can you see anything?
790: Yes. I can see clearly that we should go back to the moth and return to the Lexx at once
ZEV: Overruled

(She throws something down the corridor, but nothing moves, so she carries on round the corner)

(Stan is waiting in the moth, calling)

STAN: Zev! Zev! Oh boy, she's really, really stupid. Stupid

(Zev comes across a wire cage full of containers)

ZEV: What are they?
790: Boxes, baby

(Zev opens one, and sniffs at a packet of green paste)

ZEV: Is this what I think it is?
790: I have no sense of smell

(Zev eats some of the paste)

ZEV: This is food! It's really good food!

STAN: I'm going back to the Lexx now! Zev, are you coming or not? It's her own fault. I told her I wasn't gonna wait around forever

(Stan shuts the door. The moth takes off - then lands)

STAN: Zev!

(Zev is carrying a box full of food packets)

790: I hear something
ZEV: I don't hear anything
790: I have enhanced hearing capability

(Zev hears it too. They hide in a vent in the wall, as someone walks by)

ZEV: 790 - I think we are safe
790: I don't know. I've got a bad feeling

(Zev crawls further along the vent, then falls down a short way)

790: Did you hurt yourself, love gunk?
ZEV: My name is Zev of B3K, number 790

(She hears something - just as a glowing tendril grabs her legs, and pulls her away)

790: Ah! Zev! I love you Zev!

(Stan is walking towards the entrance)

STAN: I hate you Zev

790: Zev! Where are you Zev? I can't see you, are you OK? Zev!

(Zev is lying on the floor. The glow surrounds her, scans her. When she gets up, a faint after image of her is briefly visible, then disappears)

ZEV: 790
790: Butter thighs - are you all right?
ZEV: I don't know. I think we should go back to the moth
790: With alacrity

(Zev climbs back through the vent - and is clubbed on the head)

(Stan is now inside. He sees a one legged man, using an axe to cut the legs off a body)

MAN: Sweet sweet shapes

(The man sees Stan, and limps towards him)

MAN: Long and lean mister. Trade ya? You're clean. You're clean. I'm so happy!

(The man waves his axe at Stan, then hops towards him. Someone - Wist - opens a door and pulls Stan through)

MAN: He's clean. He's clean

(Wist leads Stan through a vent)

WIST: Hurry

(They come out into a small room)

WIST: We're safe now
STAN: Thanks for helping me out
WIST: Who knows you're here?
STAN: Besides the guy with the axe, nobody
WIST: Do you like me?

(She's a young blonde girl, with smudges on her face, and an interesting rubber outfit)

STAN: Yeah, I suppose so
WIST: Shh

(She checks Stan out)

WIST: Who are you?
STAN: Stanley, Stanley Tweedle
WIST: What are you doing here?
STAN: I'm looking for one of my crew. I lost her after she came this way
WIST: Your crew?
STAN: Yeah, from my ship. She was checking this place out after we spotted something from the air

(Wist laughs)

STAN: What's so funny?

(Wist suddenly stops laughing)

WIST: Nothing
STAN: So, look -
WIST: Wist
STAN: Wist - can you help me?
WIST: I can help you

(Wist leads Stan away)

(Inside Kai's makeshift coffin. Light and vapour comes in, and liquid squirts onto him. It's coming from little worm creatures, who squeal at each other. They spit liquid onto his hand - and Kai's eyes open)

(Stan drops down into a room behind Wist)

STAN: So what did that guy mean when he said I was clean?
WIST: I dunno - he's crazy
STAN: So what happened here?
WIST: What do you mean?
STAN: This planet's a dump, just one big garbage dump
WIST: It has no future
STAN: What about its past?
WIST: Past?
STAN: Well, yeah, what was it like before?
WIST: Delicious. Plentiful. Things are not clear, I barely remember
STAN: So, how did, how did you end up here?
WIST: I was born here
STAN: Where are your parents?
WIST: Parents?
STAN: Family
WIST: Family?
STAN: You know, like, em, your mother and your father and, you know, cousins and -
WIST: Dead
STAN: Huh?
WIST: All dead

(Wist sits down)

STAN: Oh. I'm sorry
WIST: Everything dies, Stan. I'm OK
STAN: You have any food?
WIST: Don't you have any food on your ship?
STAN: well, yeah, usually, but it ran out. See, it er, it has to eat to make food for us
WIST: Has to eat?

(Stan sits beside her)

STAN: Yeah, it's living. Well, you know, mostly living. A flying bug. Really powerful. Its name is Lexx
WIST: A living ship?
STAN: Yeah, that's right
WIST: How do you fly such a vessel?
STAN: Er, with this. I put my hand on a special template and I tell it where to go. I'm the only one that can fly it. It's that simple
WIST: Yes. It is
STAN: So - do you have any food?
WIST: No
STAN: No? I thought you said you could help me
WIST: I can help you
STAN: OK. What do you eat?
WIST: I haven't fed in a while
STAN: Zev! I almost forgot, I gotta go find her

(He gets up - so does Wist, blocking him, smiling. She kisses him. Stan enjoys it - then there's the sound of a worm squeal. Stan drops to the ground, shaking, then grinning stupidly)

WIST: Rise

(Stan gets up, giggling to himself)

WIST: Shall we go look for Zev?
STAN: Huh? Zev? Who's Zev?
WIST: You're crazy

(Stan laughs)

(Zev wakes up. She is on her knees, her hands tied to a pipe behind her. She looks around the room and sees a man)

SNIK: Body wake. Body sleep

(He clubs Zev unconscious once more)

(790 is still back in the corridor)

790: Zev Zev Zev Zev Zev Zev Zev Zev!

(He hears footsteps)

790: Have you seen Zev? Ah!

(Someone picks 790 up and takes him away)

(Grullek is guarding a door. Someone knocks, and he opens a hatch. Snik is outside, along with three other men)

GRULL: Hi Snik. Still alive
SNIK: Fresh body, Snik got fresh body
GRULL: Uh huh. You ready to play a game?
SNIK: No, no games, Snik have body, really. Prime prime. Fresh fresh
GRULL: We don't want any more of your week old dead rats, thank you. If you want Pattern, you've gotta play game
SNIK: No, no, it's different. She's clean, she's total clean, and alive alive, fresh fresh
GRULL: If there were a fresh body out there Wist would have come round. Have we seen Wist? - no. So tell me, where did you find this wondrous specimen?
SNIK: You - you give me Pattern first
GRULL: You bring us the body first, and then we'll talk Pattern
SNIK: You'll just rip me off - rip me off
GRULL: Look Snik, we're busy here, OK?

(Grullek shuts the hatch)

SNIK: No, no, no - stay, stay. Snik need Pattern, need Pattern

(Grullek opens the hatch again)

GRULL: Tell you what - cut a piece off and bring it here, and maybe we'll let you have a little
SNIK: Cut a piece. Snik cut a piece. What piece? What piece?
GRULL: The head head, moron moron, so we can make sure as she's clean clean
SNIK: OK. Snik'll bring you head, but Snik needs Pattern

(Grullek shuts the hatch, and walks back into the chamber behind him. There is a circle of signs, showing pictures of body parts and bottles. Two men are being strapped down on opposite spokes on a sort of wheel in the centre. A very strange band begins to play and sing)

KUSAK: Sweet sweet shapes, sweet sweet shapes
That's the key thing right right
Feed feed shapes, feed feed shapes
But who is the king tonight?
CHORUS: Who is the king tonight?

KUSAK: Pattern is the thing, the key thingaling
But who is the king of Pattern?
I said who is the king, the kingthingaling
Who is the king of Pattern?
CHORUS: Who is the king of Pattern?

(Kusak points at a door. and a chair is brought in. On it is a masked man, with a crown which looks home made. His crown and mask are taken off, and he is unchained from the chair)

KUSAK: Bog is the king, the kingthingaling
Bog is the king of Pattern
Bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo
Bog is the king of Pattern

BOG: Thank you, Kusak

(He gets up from his chair and goes to the centre of the circle)

BOG: Good luck Feemak. Good luck, Kukaru. Now remember - the house always wins. Methinks - it's time

(The band cheers. Bog starts the contraption spinning, then walks out)

BOG: Let the game begin
CROWD: Game, game, game game game

(The signs light up as the two men spin past them)

BOG: I like the game. I just like it

(Someone knocks on the door. Gullek lets Wist and Zev in - pushes back two other men who try to enter. The wheel stops spinning. Feemak is pointing at a picture of a flask. Kukaru is pointing at a picture of a hand)

FEEMAK: I'm a winner, I'm a winner, I'm a winner!
KUK: Oh, no, no, no!
FEEMAK: I'm a winner

(Bog gives Feemak a flask containing some green liquid)

FEEMAK: I won a whole. This is a quarter - a quarter at best
BOG: Times have changed, Feemak. Today, we're making some new rules. From now on, a whole flask will only be a quarter
KUK: Yes! New rules day. I only lose a quarter cut
BOG: No, Kukaru
KUK: But wholes are quarters - you just said!
BOG: All you need to know is that the house always wins
KUK: So what do I lose? - A whole cut!
BOG: You get a double cut
KUK: Ah, Bog no no!

(Some men bring in cutting equipment)

BOG: Who's next?

(Then he walks over to Wist and Stan)

BOG: Wist - it's been forever
WIST: Bog
BOG: Yes darling?
WIST: I need Pattern
BOG: Uh, we have - plenty of that here
STAN: Don't I know you?
BOG: Friend of yours?
WIST: Stanley Tweedle
BOG: Tweedlededum - I'm Bog
STAN: Bog. Bog bog diggety dog
BOG: I am the king of this lovely planet. Welcome home. Pattern

(Bog unlocks a cabinet, and takes out three bottles, each with a little bit of bright green liquid in them)

WIST: He will need all of it
BOG: You'll need all of it, she says
WIST: Yes
BOG: Why not, why not give him all of our Pattern?
STAN: I remember! You were on the recording, on the probe
BOG: We need some more - as a matter of fact, I am brewing some fresh Pattern right now
STAN: Yeah, yeah - you were the guy, you were saying something about - oh, I can't remember. (laughs) So what's this Pattern stuff anyway?

(Bog holds his finger up to hips lips, shuts and locks the cabinet. Kukaru has had an arm and a leg cut off. Bog takes them, and puts them into a big machine)

BOG: I grind it myself
KUK: I want another spin! I want another game!

(He is strapped in again)

BOG: You have to admire Kukaru. He's in good spirits - gleaming with Pattern

(Bog starts the machine, makes some adjustments. Another game starts)

CROWD: Spin spin spin spin!
BOG: Once upon a time, a long time ago, we had plenty of Pattern. Lots of people. We were rich - not anymore. Less people, less Pattern. Of course, you're wondering why, aren't you, Tweedledum? So ask me, why?
STAN: OK - why?
BOG: What is the point of the game?
STAN: What is the point of the game?
BOG: The point of the game is that there's always another point, and another one, and another one, and so on , and so forth. The points become dots. The dots become a line. The line is part of a bigger circle - the circle of life

(The game is over. Kukaru has stopped at the sign for a head cut. He screams)

BOG: Kukaru is not screaming because he's afraid to lose his life. He's screaming because he's afraid he's not going to get anymore Pattern

(The machine gurgles. Green liquid drips from a tube into a flask. Bog holds the flask up, and Stan reaches for it)

WIST: No. Not yet Stan. All in good time
BOG: As I expected - not exactly premium. But in order to get fresh Pattern, sparkling Pattern, we need fresh bodies. Now, that's been a while. The last one was - when you were here last, remember?

STAN: I know where to find a fresh body

(Stan leaves. Wist, Bog and Kusak follow him to the moth)

WIST: Is this your ship?
STAN: Oh, no no no. This is what we fly in to get there
WIST: I want to fly it
STAN: No, no, no. I think -

(Wist looks at him)

STAN: Yes, it's a good idea, you should fly it, why not?

(They all get in, and the moth takes off. Bog is fanning himself)

BOG: Well - I like it

(Meanwhile, Snik is trying to pull Zev's head off)

SNIK: Snik need something sharp

(Deciding a rusty spring probably won't do the job, Snik leaves)

(Bog knocks on Kai's coffin)

BOG: Hello down there

(He opens it, but it's empty)

BOG: Nobody home
WIST: Stan?
STAN: I don't get it, he was just dead! I mean, he was alive dead for 2000 years, but this time he was dead dead, really
BOG: 2000 - that's a lot of birthday parties
WIST: Is there anybody else on the ship?
STAN: Oh yeah

(Stan grins)

(Snik returns with a blade - but Zev has gone)

SNIK: Body?
GRULL: Over here

(Grullek, with two guards, who are carrying Zev away)

GRULL: Hiya Snik
SNIK: No, she, she's mine
GRULL: Bye bye Snik

(Grullek leaves, locking the door behind him)

SNIK: No no please, Pattern now, Snik needs Pattern now. Please, don't lock up Snik. Please, please. Snik needs Pattern now
GRULL: Now?
SNIK: Now! Pain pain in the brain brain. Pattern now!
GRULL: It's gonna be pain pain in the brain brain any second now

(Stan has brought them to the P Chamber on the Lexx. Wist is looking around curiously. Kusak is pulling out brains and giving them to Bog)

BOG: They're so beautiful
DPS: Spare us, please spare us
DP: We are more use to you alive
DP: We contain the memories of thousands, and can guide you to planets containing treasures beyond your wildest imaginings
BOG: I like you. I mean that

(He kisses Stan on the cheek)

BOG: These brains will make brilliant p-p-Pattern. These are the days of p-p-plentiful. Only better

(Bog puts the brains in a sack, and wipes his mouth. Kusak slings the sack over his shoulder. Stan suddenly drops to the ground, grabbing at his neck as a worm comes out of it)

STAN: Get it off me, get it off!

(Bog chains his arms down)

BOG: Behave yourself
STAN: Help me, get it off me!

(Wist takes a flask of Pattern from Kusak)

BOG: So funny
STAN: Get it out!

(Wist holds his worm and puts its head into the Pattern)

STAN: You - you - you - you

(Bog strokes Stan's hair as he calms down)

STAN: You - heavenly sort of - brother
BOG: Get up, get up
STAN: I say, I say -
BOG: More!
STAN: More!

(Bog puts Stan's hat back on his head. Wist chains a collar round his neck)

STAN: Oh, oh, excuse me? Ah yes, it's a sweet life, it really can be. I'm tickled to death
WIST: Your worm is your friend
STAN: OK

(Meanwhile, Snik's snake has come out of the side of his neck)

SNIK: Please, Pattern, please, Patter, Pattern now!
BOORK: No, can't find no Pattern

(Snik's worm retreats)

GRULL: It's gone back in

(The worm eats Snik's brain, then comes back out of his head. It slithers out under the door, glances at Zev, then slithers away. The guards go into the room, cut Snik's head off, and take his body out. Grullek holds up the head)

GRULL: Brain's gone, but I think it weighs about as much as it always did

(Kai is walking across garbage heaps. He sees a worm and picks it up for a closer inspection. The worm squeals at him)

KAI: Not alive enough for you, am I?

(He throws it away. Then he sees the tower of the base, and walks towards it)

(On the bridge of the Lexx, Stan is on the pedestal with Wist. She puts her hand on the template, and nothing happens)

STAN: See, what did I tell ya?

(Stan puts his hand on the template)

STAN: What's your status, Lexx?
LEXX: My nutrition banks are 68% full
STAN: We can take off right now if you want, yeah
BOG: Yeah, let's do something - let's go fishing
WIST: We're not ready
BOG: Right. ready, we're not ready

(Wist pats Bog's neck)

WIST: We too have to feed, before we can travel, but soon, darling, soon
STAN: Soon

(Kai reaches the building. He fires his brace at it, and pulls himself up)

(Bog's machine. Zev is inside it, Snik's body has been thrown in on top of her)

BOORK: No, no, no, no, Grullek, you don't know anything
GRULL: I know more than you! This one

(Grullek presses a button. Inside the machine, blades start moving)

BOORK: Wrong. This one here

(Boork presses a button. Zev is drawn towards the blade. Grullek and Boork laugh - until the machine jams)

GRULLEK: Loser

790: Zev!

(790 is inside the machine too - caught on some pipes at the side. Zev pushes Snik's body off her, and the machine pulls her forwards again)

790: Zev, Zev, oh Zev, Zev!

(Zev kicks 790 down, and he lands between her thighs)

790: This is the happiest moment of my existence

(Zev throws 790 between the blades, and the machine stops)

GRULL: It's that stupid robot head you out in
BOORK: No, no, I didn't -
GRULL: I saw you!
BOORK: No, I didn't

ZEV: Are you OK?
790: Perfectly

(Grullek hits Boork)

(Kai climbs down a ladder into a room, where he finds an old computer. He switches it on and the monitor shows a picture of a girl, who looks like Wist, but wearing a tunic instead of the rubber outfit. The screen goes blank, so Kai jump starts it)

WIST: I'm making this recording in the hope it might be of some use to whoever might find it. All the planets in this system, except Klaagia, managed to mutually destroy each other in a trade war. Klaagia survived, I guess because as a garbage planet with a few hundred workers it wasn't a significant target. We thought we were OK, until we discovered that the Marvans had infected Klaagia with a type of predator used in the early stages of the war. The predator is a queen, which uses satellite worms to infect and enslave people by attaching to their brains. I encountered the queen. For some reason she didn't kill me, but she scanned me, keeping some sort of image, I don't know why

(Behind Kai, the girl comes into the room)

WIST: More and more of us are getting infected all the time. Our situation is getting desperate. Commander Bog and the others are building a probe to send out for help. I don't know who to, 'cause I don't think there's anybody left out there. I think all I can do now is to somehow, some way, find the queen again, and kill it. I know there's not much hope. I'm probably not alive now, but it's OK. Everything dies, sometime

(The recording ends. Kai switches it off, and turns to see the girl)

KAI: I guess you found the queen
WIST: This used to be a plentiful planet, with lots of delicious things to eat. Do you like me?
KAI: The dead do not have likes
WIST: It's OK. Everything dies. Did you learn anything of interest?
KAI: Some things
WIST: Do you want to kiss me?
KAI: As much as I want to kiss anything

(She grabs Kai, kisses him, then pulls away)

WIST: I don't understand
KAI: You should
WIST: You are dead
KAI: Everything dies. Where's the queen?
WIST: This planet is not delicious anymore. How can you be stopped?
KAI: Time will stop me

(He holds her, and fires his brace through her stomach. She stands there as worms drop out of her onto the floor. Another Wist, dressed in rubber, comes into the room behind her)

WIST: Do you like me?

(Kai fires his brace)

(Bog is checking the machine)

BOG: The first perfectly fresh body we've had since forever, and you, without my permission, decide to mix it with Snik?! Get her out

(Bog hits Boork with his riding crop. Grullek and Boork pull Zev out of the machine)

BOG: Grullek, I am really disappointed in you
GRULL: But Boork put the robot head in
BOG: Let her go

(Bog looks at Zev)

BOG: Kisses can as kiss kiss can. I digeridoo

(Zev licks Bog's nose)

ZEV: Will you let me go?
BOG: Yes. Show me your tongue again

(Zev licks her lips)

BOG: Lips of roses
ZEV: My body is perfect. It was altered by a machine, into the ultimate female form
BOG: Silk and honey, milk and cookies

(Zev kisses his nose. Bog kisses her nose)

ZEV: If you untie me, I can do anything you want
BOG: Really?
ZEV: I was designed for love

(Zev kisses him)

BOG: I love - riding ponies
ZEV: I can take you anywhere
BOG: Can you take me home?
ZEV: Yes

(Zev kisses him again - then Wist touches his shoulder. She has Stan with her)

WIST: We are home
BOG: Ah, yes. I - I have to concentrate. Hook her up
ZEV: Stan!

(Zev is pulled away. Grullek hangs her up on the rack)

BOG: Boys

(Grullek and Boork pull Snik's body and 790 out of the machine)

ZEV: Stan! Stan. Stan, Stan
STAN: Do I know her?
WIST: Do you know her?
STAN: Yes, we all do, it's Zev! She came with me on the Lexx and she's clean, yeah, clean Zev fresh, clean, we need clean
ZEV: Stan, we should never have come here. You were right, I was wrong. Now please, get your brain back in gear and do something
STAN: Yeah, let's do something. Er - do you wanna kiss her?
WIST: No. She'll become Pattern. We need to feed before we go
ZEV: OK, it's clear you're in charge. Just tell me what you want and let's do -

(Grullek gags Zev. Kusak hands Bog the sack containing the Divine Predecessors)

BOG: Oh good, brains
DP: Ah!

(Bog puts two brains into the machine)

BOG: The rest - up on the rack
DPS: The rack!

(Bog starts the machine)

BOG: Pa pa pa pa pa Pattern!

(Kai walks down a corridor, comes to the door and knocks. Grullek opens the hatch)

BOG: When it rains, it pours

(He pulls a lever. The hatch closes, and a blade cuts off Kai's head, which rolls through a chute into a basket in the chamber. Bog picks it up and puts it on a shelf)

BOG: There - you can even watch

(Bog hands Stan a brain)

BOG: Stanley - you do the honours
STAN: Oh -
BOG: Come on
STAN: No, you
BOG: We need more brains
DPS: Ah!

(Bog puts brain into machine, makes some adjustments)

BOG: We're making Pattern history here. You see, you can't just set the machine and that's it. Pattern making is an art. Every piece of meat is different. It has a different personality, a different scent of soul. The art is the nose that knows the flow goes into the bouquet. Balance and counterbalance

(Bog pulls a tube into a flask to catch the first drops of Pattern. The crowd sighs)

BOG: OK, boys. This one's on the house

(They all rush to fill their flasks)

STAN: I could really use another blast of Pattern right about now
WIST: No. You're the captain
STAN: Er - yeah. Well -

(Wist holds Stan back. Bog and all the others feed their worms)

BOG: That's what I call (belch) good Pattern

(Now they crowd are wandering around, dazed and happy. Bog is wearing his crown and dancing)

BOG: Here we go Stan

(He clips a chain to Stan's belt)

BOG: Oh, we forgot the head. Ooh, stupid - and the female. His body, release his body

(Grullek salutes, and opens the door to get Kai's body. Bog picks up the head)

BOG: We'll blend them all in together

(Kai's eyes open. Grullek drops the body)

KAI: Excellent idea - but then again, you could coarse chop the leftover brains, simmer, add seepage -
BOG: Excuse me?
KAI: Then add the female, then introduce me in slices once they've formed a roux

(Bog drops Kai's head)

BOG: Ask permission to go to the hole
WIST: Go
BOG: Come, Stanley
STAN: All right, the hole
CROWD: The hole. Hole! Hole! Hole!

(They all march out of the room. Wist picks up Kai's head)

ZEV: No!

(Kai's body kneels up. His brace grabs his head. He reattaches it, and stands up)

WIST: The game is to feed. Would you deny me a future?
KAI: Oh yes

(He readies his brace)

WIST: You are not relevant

(Wist runs, but Kai's brace cuts her head off - it rolls down into the hole)

STAN: Bye Wist!
CROWD: Hole! Hole!

(All the men are in a circle around the hole. They lie down with their heads facing the hole. Their worms hang over the edge, spewing Pattern down into the hole)

(Kai frees Zev)

ZEV: We thought you were gone
KAI: Almost. The worms revived me with an enzyme to determine whether I was a suitable host
ZEV: Don't tell me you've got a worm too
KAI: No. I did not turn out to be alive - so they rejected me

(Kai walks away. Zev follows him, and they look at the men around the hole)

KAI: They're feeding the queen
ZEV: The queen?
KAI: Yes. The worms are no more separate from their queen then your blood cells are from you. It is not uncommon in nature
ZEV: So the queen is down that hole?
KAI: Looks like it
ZEV: What is it? Do you know?
KAI: It is a type of predator
ZEV: What does it want?
KAI: A new opportunity to eat

(The worms stop spewing. There is something green and swirly at the bottom of the hole)

KUSAK: Best part of the day
BOORK: I like the hole too
BOG: Hey Stanley
STAN: Ha ha, big Bog dog

(Suddenly there are choking sounds, screams. Bog's sanity seems to return. He notices Kai and Zev)

BOG: Who are you?
KAI: Visitors
BOG: Is it over?
KAI: Yes. I think you have entered the final stage. Your worm will eat your brain
BOG: I feel it. The worm is turning

(Bog pulls on Stan's chain)

BOG: My mind is full of things but I can't remember. The circle is complete. Goodbye Stanley Tweedledeedum

(Bog falls backwards - dead, like the others)

STAN: Oh. OK. Bye Bog!

(The worms slither out of their dead hosts, and go down into the hole, squealing. Stan unclips his chain and gets up)

STAN: Woo! Hi guys
KAI: Take Stan back to the Lexx, but you cannot leave
ZEV: But -
KAI: I think that if we separate Stan from the queen, his worm will kill him, like them. The way to save him, is to kill the queen

(Kai jumps down into the hole)

ZEV: Kai!
STAN: Bye Kai! Woo!
ZEV: Come on Stan. Let's go
STAN: Go, yes, yes, makes good sense
ZEV: Stan, come on
STAN: We should go, yeah

(They go back into the chamber. Zev retrieves the surviving brains, Stan gets some Pattern)

STAN: One for Stanley
DPS: We cherish you, we thank you
ZEV: Yeah, sure

(Zev trips over 790, and bangs him against the side of the machine till he switches on again)

790: Oh, heaven
ZEV: Stan, we don't have time for that
STAN: I have to, I have to
ZEV: Stan, come on
STAN: I have to
ZEV: Stan, we have to go
STAN: Uh uh
ZEV: Stan!

(She drags him away)

(Kai walks through tunnels towards a green swirly mass. A voice whispers)

QUEEN: Do you like me? When I was little, I had to do all sorts of things to survive. That's just the way it was. I don't even remember where I came from. I found myself on Klaagia, and it was delicious and plentiful. The game is to feed, and to feed, you have to adapt

(Something stands up in front of Kai)

KAI: You killed Wist
QUEEN: She tried to kill me
KAI: The game is over. I will kill you
QUEEN: That is not necessary
KAI: Why?
QUEEN: I am no longer relevant
KAI: I do not understand
QUEEN: It's OK. Everything dies. That's why we have daughters, so life goes on after us. That's the key thing

(She sinks to the ground. Kai steps over her old withered body, towards the green membrane - which is torn open as a giant Zev emerges, laughing)

ZEV: You won't kill me

(Kai fires his brace into her chest, and she drops down onto her hands and knees)

KAI: Everything dies

(He fires again, at her head. Green goo comes out, and she falls down. But something else hatches - a huge Mega-Wist. She stands up, and walks away)

(Stan Zev and 790 fly back to the Lexx. In the P Chamber, Zev puts the brains back into their compartments)

DPS: Thank you
DP: Nice lady
DP: We will be eternally grateful to you. Your every wish will be our command
ZEV: Yeah. I really believe that. Stan -

(But Stan is taking the moth, with 790 inside)

790: Zev!
ZEV: Stan!

(The moth lands by the bridge. Stan gets up on the pedestal, activates the template)

STAN: Lexx - I command you to lift off
LEXX: I have not completed my feeding. My reserves are at 93% capacity
STAN: Lexx!
LEXX: I -
STAN: I command you to immediately lift off
LEXX: As you request, Stan

(The Lexx lifts off, feeding until the last second. Zev races to the moth chamber, gets into a moth, and flies to the bridge)

STAN: Bye, Klaagia!

(Zev's moth lands by the bridge. She gets out and grabs 790 from Stan's moth)

790: I knew you'd come back for me, oh love of loves. There's something stranger than usual about the waste of protein
ZEV: I know
STAN: Hi Zev

(Zev strokes Stan's hand gently - )

ZEV: Stanley - we're not leaving without Kai

( - and Stan swiftly brings his knee up under her chin, knocking her down)

STAN: There are so many delicious planets out there, with lots of food on the surface, dark, wet, rich inside
790: You slug! You animal!

(The Lexx is flying low over the surface of Klaagia. Mega-Wist stands up, and grabs hold of the underneath of the Lexx's eyes)

STAN: Wist! Ha ha!

(Kai is also on the surface. He fires his brace and catches hold of the Lexx)

(Mega-Wist's fingers turn into tendrils and start spreading across the Lexx's eyes. She bites into the Lexx, a huge tentacle shooting out of her mouth)

LEXX: Distress! Distress! I am being penetrated!
STAN: Mamma's home! Whoo!

(Stan jumps down onto the floor and reaches for his flask)

STAN: That calls for a smattern of Pattern
ZEV: We are not leaving without Kai

(She gets up, knocks Stan down, and straddles him)

ZEV: You're no match for me, Tweedle, you will do exactly as I say

(Stan's worm shoots out of his neck, squealing)

STAN: Uh oh!
790: Ah! What is that? Be careful Zev

(Zev gets up and backs away. Stan comes after her)

STAN: Say hello!

(Zev punches his worm)

(The Lexx is flying higher now, trying to shake Mega-Wist off)

LEXX: Ouch!

(Zev grabs Stan's worm)

STAN: Please - if you pull it out I'll die
790: Pull. Pull!

(Stan is on his knees now)

STAN: Zev, please stop

(The huge tentacle which penetrated Lexx reaches the bridge. The end looks like Wist's face)

STAN: It's Pattern time!

(Zev gets into a moth and takes off. The tentacle chases her through the passages)

(On the surface of the Lexx, Kai crawls towards Mega-Wist)

LEXX: Stan, something is biting me and it hurts a lot. Stan

(Stan gets out his flask of Pattern, but as the Lexx shakes, he drops it)

LEXX: Stan, I want it off me - Stan?

(Kai nears Mega-Wist. She looks at him)

(The tentacle is still chasing Zev, who comes to a dead end. Zev turns the moth around)

WIST: Do you like me?

(Kai fires his brace into Mega-Wist's head, but she shakes her head, and Kai goes flying off into space. The Lexx, flying erratically now, powers up - and blasts Klaagia. A chunk of flying rock knocks Mega-Wist's head off. The tentacle screams and pulls back, and all the tendrils drop off)

LEXX: That feels better

(Zev's moth lands by the bridge. Lexx halts in space. Kai's brace latches onto the eyes. He crawls through an orifice, drops onto the bridge and picks up 790. Stan is on the floor by the steps. Zev gets down beside him)

ZEV: Stan?
790: Zev - you're alive! Ecstasy times infinity squared

(Kai puts 790 down on the floor, sits on him, and pats Stan's face)

KAI: Wake up, living man
STAN: Uh? What's that thing in my neck?

(Kai pulls it out and shows it to Stan)

STAN: What's that?!
KAI: A dead satellite worm. This part was attached to your brain. It controlled you
STAN: Can I get sick now?

(Zev hugs Stan)

(Later, Zev Stan and Kai are in the galley)

STAN: And a quadruple chocolate double dip sweet Cluster fry, make it two of 'em - no, gimmee all you got!
LEXX: As you request Stan.

© Filking Fairy