(Egypt. An archaeological dig is underway. An archaeologist hits something in the sand which bends his pickaxe. There is a growl)

ARCH: Oh my god

(Ignoring the growls, the archaeologist uses a smaller tool, uncovers a face plate)

ARCH: Oh my god. This is incredible

(He turns to look behind him, just as another member of his party hits him on the head with an axe)

(Meanwhile, on Air Force One, President Priest is behind a couch kissing Bunny, whose legs are in the air. Xev is chewing on a bone while an aide massages her foot. Kai is nearby. Stan is looking out of a window, getting frustrated)

PRIEST: Kiss kissy kiss kissy kissy kiss kiss!
STAN: Mr President

(No reply. Stan sits down, shouts)

STAN: Mr President!

(Priest sticks his head up from behind the couch)

PRIEST: Yes?
STAN: Time for business, OK? Now look - we saved your butt, so you are gonna fly us back to the Lexx so we can finally get far away from your stupid planet, right Kai?
PRIEST: In Air Force One?
STAN: In whatever!
PRIEST: I don't think Air Force One goes into outer space
KAI: We would be able to return to the Lexx on one of your space shuttles
PRIEST: Oh yes yes, of course. Well, I'll just check

(Priest picks up a phone)

VOICE: General Frootydude here
PRIEST: Good evening general, this is the President
STAN: Having fun, Xev?
XEV: Not yet

(Priest hangs up. Bunny sits behind him)

PRIEST: We don't seem to have any space shuttles available at the moment
STAN: Oh, great
PRIEST: We've been kind of burning through them (laughs)
STAN: Well that's your problem, pal! Now look - we saved your butt, so you owe us. And you are the President of this planet - so you make it happen

(Stan thrusts the phone at Priest)

PRIEST: Make it happen?
STAN: Yes!
XEV: Stan, why are you in such a hurry to leave?
STAN: Do I have to answer that question?
XEV: You just don't know how to enjoy yourself (smiles)
STAN: Well, maybe I would Xev if this was a good planet, but this is a bad planet, this is a very very bad planet
BUNNY: It's not all bad
PRIEST: They say they can arrange a flight from - um, er - from Ellis air force base in California for the day after tomorrow
STAN: Well what are we supposed to do until then?
XEV: I wanna party

(Xev sits up. Priest and Bunny go back down behind a couch)

STAN: Well, not me! I just wanna go someplace nice and quiet where nothing's gonna happen - like the middle of a desert
BUNNY: Oh!

(She pops up from behind the couch, Priest kissing her)

STAN: What?
BUNNY: You could go to Las Vegas
STAN: What's Las Vegas?
BUNNY: Well, it's in the middle of the desert, and you can party there. It's like non-stop fun, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week - well, as long as you have money
XEV: I wanna go to Las Vegas!
STAN: No, thank you!

(Stan pulls Priest up)

STAN: Listen you, just drop us off beside your space shuttle, and we will just wait there inside until it's ready to go, OK?
PRIEST: OK
XEV: Stan, this might be our last chance to have any kind of fun on this planet before we leave it behind forever
STAN: No no no no no no no
BUNNY: Oh - and there's lots of cute professional girls in Las Vegas
XEV: And boys?
BUNNY: Mm hmm. And they really like guys like you Stanley - as long as you have lots of money

(Priest is undoing her top. They disappear back down behind the couch)

STAN: Well, we don't have any money
PRIEST: You can have my ATF credit card. It has a three million dollar limit. That's enough for a lot of fun, I'm sure
XEV: May we go?

(Las Vegas. Inside the King Tutt Egyptian theme hotel. Remo Tutti - last seen murdering an archaeologist - is dragging a large crate down some steps. In an office, King Tutti, Frankie and Joey are playing cards)

REMO: Hey hey (laughs)Hey, I'm back. It's me, look. Hey, did you miss me?
KING: No
REMO: Why not?
KING: 'Cause you're never gonna amount to nothing
REMO: Ah, just you wait
KING: What?
REMO: Just you wait to see what I brought back from Egypt
KING: Aces over eights. Dead man's hand. Remo, come here. You know why they call aces over eight's dead man's hand?
REMO: No

(King grabs Remo under his chin)

KING: Because the next time you do something stupid you're gonna be a dead man - even if you is my cousin. You capice?
REMO: I was just thinking -
KING: What?
REMO: About the family
KING: Oh yeah? (he lets go)
REMO: Yeah, sure. I mean, if a business is gonna survive, we gotta adapt with the changing times. We gotta diversify
KING: Diversify into what?
REMO: The antiquities market. Or particle physics. That way we don't have to depend on all that other stuff
KING: Let me remind you. We Tuttis are where we are because of three things - gambling, prostitution, extortion and drugs

(Remo counts on his fingers)

KING: It's what the family was built on, OK? Not this anti-quatty-quiddy stuff and particle physics

(He grabs Remo again)

KING: Starting today, you're gonna learn the business from the ground up, OK? From the bottom, Remo - you capice?
REMO: Yeah
KING: Yeah? (slaps Remo's face) Now go away. More drinks

(Stan, Xev and Kai are in a cab in Las Vegas - Kai is playing with a nodding cowboy on the dashboard)

XEV: I'm a Cluster lizard, and Vegas looks so good. Woo!
CABBIE: Where are you from?
XEV: I'm from B3K
CABBIE: Is that in Canada?
XEV: It's in the Light Zone. And we want fun, and lots of it!
CABBIE: What type of fun?
STAN: We don't want any type of fun, we just want a quiet place to stay with, you know, girls that like guys like me
XEV: And boys!
STAN: Girls who like guys like me. Guys with lotsa (waves credit card) lotsa money
CABBIE: Oh, you gotta be going to King Tutt's
KAI: What is King Tutt's?
CABBIE: It's like a palace
XEV: A palace, that sounds great
CABBIE: A number one, all the way. You know what? I got a little in with the owners. We all like family down here. I can get you a special rate
STAN: Does this special rate include professional women?
CABBIE: (laughs) We in Las Vegas! Hey - you just ask for the special room service, yeah, special
STAN: Yeah, special room service

(The cab stops outside King Tutt's)

CABBIE: That'll be fifty (thinks) three hundred and fifty dollars

(Stan hands him the credit card)

CABBIE: You guys gonna have a good time tonight
STAN: OK, special room service. OK

(They all go into the hotel. Remo Tutti is on the front desk, wearing an Egyptian outfit)

STAN: Hi
XEV: Hi
REMO: Welcome to the King Tutt, where the only curse is fun. You guys here for the Vegas Con?
STAN: Huh?
REMO: Science fiction convention
KAI: No
STAN: But we still get the special rate, right?

(The cabbie is standing behind them, making gestures for Remo to raise the price)

REMO: That's four - teen - hundred dollars. Fourteen hundred dollars for a room

(The cabbie mimes going higher)

REMO: Oh, there's also a four hundred dollar room fee
XEV: So where's all the fun?
REMO: There's also a nine hundred dollar water tax - this is a desert after all (laughs) you know
XEV: Excuse me - where is all the fun?
STAN: I think we'll just go to the room, Xev

(Remo bangs a gong. The cabbie shows them where to go)

REMO: Thank you. Thank you for staying at the King Tutt. Thank you (to cabbie) See you later

(An Egyptian servant shows them into their room, holds out his hand for a tip. Xev goes to take his hand, but Stan stops her, shuts the door)

STAN: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Where are you going?
XEV: I'm going out to look for some fun
STAN: No. Nobody is going anywhere
XEV: What?!
STAN: We are staying right here!
XEV: Why is that?

(She sits down on the bed)

STAN: Because Xev, on this planet we're a magnet for trouble
XEV: So?
STAN: So, nobody is going in and nobody is coming out until President Priest says the shuttle's ready
XEV: That doesn't sound like fun
STAN: Fun? They've got room service, OK? You can get anything you want. Now in the meantime we're staying right here, out of sight until the shuttle is ready. That's the plan and we're sticking to it

(Xev sulks, lies back on the bed)

(In the corridor near King's office, Remo has unpacked his crate. A large sarcophagus is propped up against the wall. Remo takes a blowtorch to it. The face plate grows, and there's a growling sound)

VOICE: Remo Tutti, who is not at his booth at the front desk - report to King's office now

(Remo leaves. Fluid trickles from the nose on the face plate. Lower down the sarcophagus, a panel slides open, revealing a hand)

(In their hotel room, Kai has figured out how to work the remote control. The screen shows a man - Louis - with three slave girls in a cage)

LOUIS: Behold King Ramses slave girls of the Eighteenth dynasty. Stick your numbers out sweetheart. Just check the numbers folks

(The girls each have numbers on their bras)

LOUIS: The world famous King Tutt luxury hotel and casino once again invites you to select the slave girl of your choice. All you gotta do is pick up your phone and demand room service - Egyptian style

(Stan smiles. He picks up the phone and dials - it looks like a mummified cat)

LOUIS: And don't forget the number of the slave girl who you might want, OK? Just check the number of the girl who makes your whip crack the best. And as always, remember - it's first served, first come, ha ha! King Tutt has spoken. Put your numbers out

(Xev is exercising on the bed, waving her legs in the air, blocking Stan's view of the TV)

XEV: I didn't know the Earth had love slaves
KAI: I'm not sure they are slaves, in the conventional sense
STAN: No, they're like slaves in the Celes pleasure transport sense - which is just fine by Stanley H Tweedle
VOICE: Hello? Hello?
STAN: Yeah, I want to order room service - Egyptian style. Err - number 24 and, er - number 88. Yeah. OK. Oh good. OK

(Stan hangs up, and lies on the bed next to Xev, grinning)

LOUIS: All you have to do is phone, folks (to camera man) OK cut, I'm gonna get a freaking hernia over here

(Down in the basement, Louis stops turning the cage with the slave girls inside. The cheering fans in the background are just a video loop on a big screen backdrop)

(Remo returns to find the sarcophagus face plate oozing. He puts his hand inside the open panel, which is full of black gunk. There are footprints leading away from the sarcophagus. He goes into King's office)

KING: Remo - why ain't you at the front desk?
REMO: I know King, I was -
KING: What?
REMO: I was -
KING: What?
REMO: I was just looking for something
KING: The only thing you should be looking for are undercover cops. Now get back out there before I whack you into the middle of next week
REMO: OK King (he leaves)
KING: This guy - ! Royal flush. Read 'em and weep

(In the hotel room, Stan dances up to a mirror)

STAN: You, Stanley Tweedle, are an Egyptian love god

(He pulls faces at himself, laughing. Kai and Xev look bored)

STAN: Aw you guys, you don't know how to have fun! You don't know how to take a situation, turn it around, make it work for you

(He picks up a luggage rack, twirls around with it. Xev sits up on the bed)

XEV: What are we supposed to do?
STAN: What do you mean?
XEV: Kai and myself
STAN: That's up to you guys
XEV: When those girls get here?
STAN: Hmm, oh I dunno, you could (pops his head over Kai's shoulder) join in

(Xev gets up, puts her hand on Stan's shoulder)

XEV: I think I prefer to have my own fun
STAN: Suit yourself

(He smiles, dances. On the TV, muscular women are in a cage. Xev watches)

LOUIS: And in the other corner, our reigning champeen -
XEV: Is that a woman, or a man?
KAI: It is a woman
LOUIS: The Queen of Sheba!
XEV: She sure has a lot of muscles
LOUIS: Right now the Queen of Sheba is five to two, so if you wanna make a little cash just pick up your in-house phone and place your bets. Yowsa yowsa yowsa! (to fighter) Get in the cage. Get in the damn cage!
XEV: What are they doing?
KAI: I believe gamblers are betting on the outcome of the contest

(A servant is walking down a corridor, when a mummy lurches towards him - black, decomposing, bones exposed. The mummy breaks his neck, and a bag of white powder falls to the floor. The mummy sniffs at it)

(Stan is dancing at the mirror, checking his reflection. Xev is watching the wrestling, and snarls)

STAN: What was that for?!

(There's a knock at the door. Stan checks his breath, grins, and opens the door. Two gum chewing slave girls enter - one with purple hair, number 24, and one with pink hair, number 88)

STAN: Hi

(But the slave girls ignore him and head straight for Kai)

NO 24: What's your game, mister?
KAI: I was a Divine Assassin
NO 88: Oo, I bet you like it straight, no talk

(Stan pulls number 88 away from Kai)

STAN: No no no no, girls girls girls, you got it all wrong. See, I'm the one who ordered room service - Stanley Tweedle

(She tries to go back to Kai, but Stan puts his arm around her)

STAN: I'm captain of the Lexx, the most powerful destructive force in the two universes
NO 24: Well that's great captain, but it's gonna cost you extra
NO 88: We were told there was just one of you
NO 24: It costs extra for three
STAN: Oh no, there's just the one of me, just me. See, Kai here is dead - from the neck down

(Number 24 has her hand on Kai's crotch. She looks down)

NO 24: Oh, I see
STAN: Yeah. And Xev was just leaving
XEV: Oh, I was? I thought you said -

(Stan drags her off the bed. Number 88 goes back to Kai)

STAN: Aw, Xev, come on - just go have yourself some fun, OK?
XEV: Why?
STAN: Just promise not to leave the hotel
XEV: Why?

(Stan pulls her to the door. Xev tries to walk back in, but he stops her)

STAN: Xev! Just promise, OK?
XEV: Thanks for your concern. Bye!
STAN: Just - yeah

(Xev goes out into the corridor)

(Elsewhere, the mummy is still snorting)

(The slave girls are all over Kai, stroking his face)

NO 88: So, you in town for the Vegas Con?
KAI: No
STAN: Kai, er - I wonder, would you mind doing me a favour?
KAI: What?
STAN: Would you mind checking out the place for a while? Check out, say, the hallways, see if they're all the same? Maybe some might be different
KAI: Are you sure you do not want me here, to protect you?

(Stan puts his arms around number 24)

STAN: Oh, no. I think if anybody's going to need protection, it's gonna be number 88 and number 24. Am I right girls?

(Stan laughs. Kai leaves)

NO 24: OK, let's see it
STAN: Oh, you wanna see it right away? OK

(He starts undoing his uniform)

NO 88: No - business before pleasure

(She gets out a credit card swipe. Number 24 hands him a pen)

NO 24: Like, duh - what planet are you from?
STAN: Ostral B, why?

(Number 88 swipes at him. Stan realises what they want, gives her his credit card)

STAN: OK, OK, no problem

(She swipes, he signs. Number 24 dims the lights. Number 88 pulls his hat off, and they push Stan back onto the bed. He laughs. They pull off his boots)

(Meanwhile, Xev takes stairs down into the hotel - sound of casino)

NO: 24 How do you like it mister?
STAN: Oh, I like it any which way at all - just as long as you take your time, and do it fine - fine fine fine

(They take his uniform off, and crawl up him, kissing him)

STAN: Stanley the stunner makes love like no other

(The mummy is lurching along a corridor)

(Xev has gone further downstairs - into the basement where the wrestling is taking place. The Queen of Sheba slams a girl to the floor)

LOUIS: Oh, that's gotta smart. The winner, and still reigning champeen - the Queen of Sheba!

(The loser limps out of the cage)

LOUIS: How's the wing honey? Put a little ice on it. Now get outta here and don't gimme any dirty looks. For those of youse who put your money down on the Queen, simply drop by the cashier's desk to pick up your money. For the others, who bet the other way, well hey - there's another bout coming right up shortly. Yowsa yowsa (sees Xev) yowsa!
XEV: I wanna try. I wanna fight - her
LOUIS: What's your name, sweetheart?
XEV: Xev, Xev of B3K
LOUIS: B3K? You know the rules?
XEV: No
LOUIS: Doesn't matter, there aren't any rules - no biting!
XEV: No biting? (pouts)
LOUIS: Ah, it's just a guideline. You ready?
XEV: Guess so
LOUIS: And now ladies and gentlemen, all the way from B3K, which is close to Cuckamanga, we have our newest challenger - the one, the only - Xev!

(Xev smiles, waves for the camera. Louis pushes her into the cage)

LOUIS: So lets open the betting at eight to one for the Queen

(In King's office, there's a TV where they can see the wrestling)

JOEY: King - who's the new talent?
KING: How should I know? Just as long as the odds keep going north, and she plays ball, right? (puts cards down) Two pair. Aces high. The King wins again

(The Queen of Sheba is flexing her muscles at Xev, trying to intimidate her. Xev just smiles)

LOUIS: Hey, what the hell is this, a dance? Come on, do something. Rattle the cage!
XEV: OK, let's fight
LOUIS: Yeah, novel idea, fight

(The mummy is going upstairs, into the public part of the hotel)

(Kai is in the corridor, and sees the coffin. He pats the face plate)

KAI: Drago

(In the hotel room, things are not going as Stan had planned. The girls are adjusting their clothes)

STAN: Look, I'm just a little out of practise, OK? And you girls - you're really not making it happen for me
NO 24: It happens to men your age
NO 88 It's all right tiger. We'll just be on our way then. Nice meeting you
STAN: No no no, don't go!

(He sits up in the bed)

NO 88: Why not?
STAN: Look, just because captain Stan is having a little trouble getting the rocket off the launch pad, it does not mean he's going to abort the mission
NO 24: It doesn't?
STAN: No, it just means you girls are going to have to work a little bit harder

(The girls aren't happy at the thought of this)

NO 88: Well what did you have in mind captain?
STAN: Well - I think the old rocket may need a little special treatment, I'm sure you girls can deliver

(The girls smile at each other)

(The mummy lurches further into the hotel. Remo's voice on the intercom)

REMO: Don't miss the mummy brunch, in the pharaoh's dining room. That's the mummy brunch

STAN: So - what are you gonna do for captain Stan the stud man?

(The girls get onto the bed. Stan lies back)

NO 24: Well, we want you to lie back and close your eyes

(Stan closes his eyes. They pull scarves from their costumes and tie his hands to the headboard)

STAN: Yeah, closing the eyes, the eyes are closed
NO 88: And wait
STAN: Yes, wait for what?
NO 88: For the tooth fairy
STAN: Oh, yeah, the tooth fairy! (laughs) What's a tooth fairy?
NO 24: You don't know?

(The girls smile, get off the bed)

STAN: No
NO 24: Well, maybe you'll figure it out by the time the music ends

(She switches on a stereo)

NO 88: Keep your eyes closed - tightly
NO 24: No peeking

(They leave. Stan squirms happily on the bed)

(In the cage. Xev clobbers the Queen of Sheba, and sits on her till she submits)

XEV: Was that enough?
LOUIS: Enough? You got a pin baby, you don't get more enough than that
XEV: Did I win?

(Louis opens the cage)

LOUIS: You not only won - darling, you were great. Lemme ask you a question -would you like a new outfit?
XEV: Sure!

(Xev comes out of the cage)

LOUIS: Come on into my office. I think I got a little number that's gonna fit you just perfectly. You got a wonderful future ahead of you sweetheart. Mine's all used up

(Remo is in the corridor, when Number 24 and number 88 walk up to him)

24/88: Remo!
REMO: What?

(Number 88 hands him the credit card voucher. He reads it)

REMO: Let me ask you something - can either of you bubble heads read?
NO 24: Yeah, we read good, Remo
REMO: Oh really? Well why don't you do me a favour and tell me what it says right there
NO 24: It says Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and -
NO 88: Firearms!
REMO: Oh, you're smart. Now - you ever hear of the ATF?
24/88: No
REMO: The ATF is a government agency
NO 88: And that's, er, bad?
REMO: Oh yes, that's bad. It means that your boyfriend up there in the Ramses suite is a government agent
NO 88: Oh
REMO: Oh. So, it's back to working in the coffee shop for youse girls. Bye bye

(He tears up the voucher)

(Kai is on a staircase in the hotel)

(Remo goes into King's office)

REMO: There's an ATF agent actually in the hotel
KING: You're telling me that there's an ATF agent actually in the hotel?
REMO: Yeah, I don't know how he got in the hotel, but he's a Federal agent for sure
KING: How sure?
REMO: Well, he's got an ATF credit card. So - what do you want me to do to this Federal agent, this Stanley Tweedle?
KING: I want you to man the reception desk
REMO: Oh, King -

(King grabs his chin)

KING: Capice?
REMO: Capice
KING: Frankie, Joey - I want you to whack this guy. I want you to whack him till he's dead
FRANKIE: Consider it done

(In the hotel room, Stan hasn't realised the girls aren't coming back)

STAN: Tooth fairy, bite me, bite me, oh yeah, oo tooth fairy (laughs)

(And then the mummy comes into the room)

STAN: Come on, sink your teeth into my meat

(The mummy gets onto the bed, sniffs at his stomach)

STAN: Oh, I like the sound of that, oh yeah. Can I open my eyes now? OK, I won't, I won't, I won't!

(The mummy straddles him)

STAN: So what does a tooth fairy do?

(The mummy sniffs at his chest)

STAN: Oh, the nipples! Oh that's good, that's good

(Frankie and Joey arrive at the door)

STAN: Do me, do me, do me -

(Stan opens his eyes - and screams. But the mummy gets off him. Frankie and Joey start firing at it, and it drives them out of the hotel room. Stan pulls his pants back on, gets out of bed, shuts the door)

(The mummy kills Frankie and Joey, then leaves. It sees a girl with a housekeeping trolley, breaks her neck, then buries its face in a box of soap powder)

(Stan is panicking. He tries the connecting door, but it doesn't work. He dives under the bed, pulls his uniform and boots under as well)

(In the basement, the Queen of Sheba heads back to the cage - this time wearing a wig full of snakes)

LOUIS: What the hell are you doing with the bathrobe? Come on, take it off, you modest all of a sudden?

(She throws the robe at him, goes into the cage)

LOUIS: Hey snake head, rattle your cage (she snarls) Shut up! Ladies and gentlemen, for your gaming pleasure the King Tutt hotel is proud to present the queen of ancient Egypt - Cleopatra!

(It's Xev - in a white, silver and gold short top and skirt, wearing a black wig with gold beads. She does some Egyptian dancing in the corner of the cage)

LOUIS: And her challenger - fresh from a tour of duty on the bad side of Hades - the truly terrible Medusa!

(Medusa climbs up the side of the cage)

LOUIS: She reminds me of a singer from the Fifties, I forget her name - lovely woman though. OK folks, this is a straight-up pick 'em. You just dial the number on the screen and make yourself some dough. Who do you like? who do you like?

(Medusa poses. Xev smiles)

LOUIS: As soon as this chick takes a dive we're gonna make a bundle, oh yeah

(Xev swings from the top of the cage, kicks Medusa over, laughing. Remo and King are watching in King's office)

XEV: This is fun!
LOUIS: Yeah yeah, I can tell it's fun

(Medusa goes out of the cage. Louis gives her a long brown wig)

LOUIS: Take off the wig sweetheart, gimme the snakes. You're going to Russia. I hope you get a fur rug. Cleopatra's next challenge, direct from Stalingrad, the totally fabulous Catreen the Great!

(Xev gets ready to fight again. Louis rings King)

LOUIS: Hey King, if Cleo wins again we're gonna go through the roof with the odds. All we have to do is convince her to take a dive and we hit big time
KING: I love you. Ciao

(King gives the phone to Remo to hang up. It rings)

REMO: Hello? (listens, hangs up) King - it's Frankie and Joey
KING: What about Frankie and Joey?
REMO: Someone - they got whacked. They're dead (takes off his head-dress)
KING: Was it this Tweedle?
REMO: I don't know. Let me handle it. Let me whack Tweedle
KING: No
REMO: Come on, give me a chance. One chance to make you proud of me
KING: Forget it, Remo
REMO: Joey was my cousin on my mother's side once removed. And Frankie - he was Jimmy's brother-in-law's nephew. It's family! I need this vendetta
KING: No. We're gonna hire a professional
REMO: Let me bring honour to the Tutti name
KING: (thinks) Remo - you know this Tweedle character? You make sure he has a closed casket funeral. Capice?
REMO: Capice

(King raises his hand. Remo flinches, but King just pats his cheek)

(Meanwhile, down in the basement - )

LOUIS: Hey, there's still time to get your bets down, yowsa yowsa yowsa. Cleopatra coming at ya

(Xev spins around, kicks Catreen the Great to the floor)

XEV: Who's next?

(Louis is on the phone to King again)

LOUIS: Hey King, remember that guy, what the hell was his name? Grindypants, what, organ - Organgrinder, yeah that's it, Organgrinder, remember him? Yeah, he killed the other guy. I think he's out of prison now. See if he can make it here tonight, all right? Cleopatra's going bye bye

(Louis hangs up, goes to congratulate Xev)

LOUIS: Oh baby, you were beautiful, beautiful

(He kisses her through the cage)

(Remo is now dressed up as a mummy. Holding a gun, he knocks on the door of Stan's room. Stan's head pops out from under the bed, where he's been getting dressed)

STAN: Who is it?
REMO: Er - flowers, sir. Compliments of the management
STAN: I hate flowers and I hate the management so just go away

(Remo knocks again)

STAN: Who is it?!
REMO: Er - room service
STAN: No way, pal - I already ordered room service once and it was less than satisfactory I can tell ya! Just go away, I got a good mind to complain

(The mummy is now lurching towards Remo. Stan puts his hat on, goes to the door)

STAN: Hello? Hello?

(Stan looks through the peephole and sees the mummy pick Remo up by the throat. Stan looks away)

STAN: Kai, where are you?!

(Remo points the gun at the mummy's head and goes to fire. The mummy bites the end of the gun off and breaks Remo's neck, then walks away, snapping its jaws)

(Xev is dancing in the cage. Her next opponent has arrived - a very big black guy)

LOUIS: Grinder, good to see you baby, glad you could make it. You're looking buff. Put the wig on and take her out of her misery

(The Organgrinder puts the snake wig on and goes into the cage)

LOUIS: You've seen Cleopatra whack the Queen of Sheba with ease. She took out Medusa with one blow. And Catherine the Great - what she last, five seconds with her? The question is now, can Cleopatra handle the recently paroled Alexander of Macedonia? Right now the smart money is on Cleo, and if you're smart you'll get your bets in right now

(He turns to cameraman)

LOUIS: How much money have we got on Cleo?
CAMERA: Two million, baby
LOUIS: Oh, two million, we're gonna take a sea cruise! I'll let you oil my back, maybe

(King phones)

KING: Let me talk to Louis - to Louis!
LOUIS: Yeah, capice, capice to you too. Of course she's gonna take a dive, yeah yeah yeah, badda bing, badda boom, don't worry about it

(Stan looks out, decides it's all clear. He opens the door and gets a shock at Remo's body. He steps around it and runs down the corridor)

LOUIS: Cleo? Cleo, could you come over here for a minute please? I wanna talk to you for just a second honey. You know you're doing great sweetheart, you really are, we made a bundle on you tonight. But hey, nothing goes on forever, you know what I mean? You get me?
XEV: No
LOUIS: I mean, sometimes you gotta go down
XEV: What do you mean, down?
LOUIS: I mean lose
XEV: I don't wanna lose, I like winning!
LOUIS: Nobody wants to lose, but - you know, you gotta swallow your pride, you gotta take a dive, OK?
XEV: Do you want me to lose, on purpose?
LOUIS: In a nutshell, yeah
XEV: Why?
LOUIS: Why? Because freaking King Tutti says so, that's why
XEV: I don't want to
LOUIS: Oh yes you do
XEV: No I don't
LOUIS: Oh yes you do
XEV: No!
LOUIS: Oh yes you do, unless you wanna get whacked
XEV: What do you mean, whacked?
LOUIS: Whacked? I take a gun, I put a bullet in it, and put a hole in your freaking head. Now you capice?
XEV: I'll think about it
LOUIS: Yeah, well, you better think quick, because nobody thinks good with a hole in the head

(Xev snarls)

(The mummy is heading downstairs)

(Xev punches Alexander three times - he just smiles)

LOUIS: What the hell is this? Come on, come on, rattle your cage! Hey, watch yourself, come on, come on

(Stan gets into an elevator)

(Xev kicks Alexander four times, with no success)

(The mummy lurches along a hallway, foaming at the mouth, and comes to an elevator just as it opens. Stan is right in front of the mummy)

STAN: Hi tooth fairy!

(Stan dives between the mummy's legs, as it lurches forward into the elevator. The other passengers scream as the doors close)

(Xev does a Cluster lizard roll and bounces around the cage, knocking Alexander to the floor. She gets on top of him, arms around his neck. Louis is stunned. He takes off his head-dress)

LOUIS: Tutti's gonna kill me! I told her take a dive, badda bing, badda boom, forget about it!

(Alexander gets out of the cage, shoving his wig onto Louis' head)

CAMERA: Our new champeen - Cleopatra

(He hands Xev the winner's belt. She twirls happily. King is watching from his office)

KING: What is it with this broad?
XEV: I'm sorry. I tried to lose

(The mummy gets out of the elevator, drooling - it's full of bodies. A servant picks up a breakfast tray, then drops it as he sees the mummy - who breaks his neck)

KING: Oh, I want this bitch. I want this bitch in the ground

(Xev is dancing on the TV in the background. King hears the mummy roar - then hears screams. He goes out into the corridor, and sees someone in the shadows)

KING: Hey! Hey you! What are you, kitchen staff?

(He gets a gun out of a nearby crate)

KING: Hey, I want you to do something for me. There's this bitch downstairs. I want you to whack her. I want you to whack her for me

(The mummy moves out of the shadows)

KING: Oh, you ain't family

(He fires, hits the mummy in the chest - which doesn't stop it)

KING: No no no no no no no

(The mummy picks him up, breaks his neck)

(Stan runs down a corridor, just as Kai turns the corner)

STAN: Oh Kai! Boy am I glad to see you
KAI: Why?
STAN: Why, protection! There's a very tall very ugly somebody in this hotel trying to kill everybody
KAI: A former somebody
STAN: What do you mean?
KAI: I came across an empty coffin in this hotel

(Kai leads Stan downstairs)

KAI: It belongs to a philosopher-poet I assassinated 4000 years ago. Heretics preserved his body and part of his brain in protective fluid that allows him to act for short periods as a sort of primitive killing machine

(He shows Stan the coffin)

STAN: Primitive hey, well that sounds good, that means you can just do your Divine Assassin brace thing on him, right?
KAI: No
STAN: No?
KAI: He is unkillable
STAN: Unkillable? What are we gonna do now?
KAI: We can wait
STAN: For what?
KAI: For him to run out of fluid. It is not long-lasting, and he must constantly replenish it. This inscription is a warning against opening the coffin. He must have been buried on this planet thousands of years ago for safekeeping by people who intended to return for him - but never did

(On the TV in King's office, they see Xev in the cage - and the mummy ripping the cage door)

STAN: Quick Kai, that's Xev!

LOUIS: Hey, what the hell are ya doing there Tiny? That's not Tiny, that's not the doorman

(The mummy moves closer to Louis)

LOUIS: This is a security camera, watch yourself, you're on camera

(The mummy kills the cameraman)

LOUIS: That was a close one. You got something on your teeth, right there. Badda bing!

(The mummy breaks his neck, then goes into the cage. Xev rolls away, then tries to attack, but the mummy grabs her by the throat, just as Stan and Kai arrive)

KAI: Drago!

(Xev runs out of the cage to Stan)

KAI: I have killed mothers with their babies. I have killed proud young warriors and revolutionaries
STAN: His coffin Xev, quick
XEV: Yeah?
STAN: The fluid that keeps him going is in it

(They leave)

KAI: I have killed the pedantic, the pseudo-intellectual and on one occasion, a very self-important philosopher-poet

(Kai fires his brace. The mummy falls, gets up and lurches towards him. Kai jumps up the side of the cage, onto the top. The mummy lurches away)

KAI: Running low on fuel Drago?

(Kai fires again, follows the mummy out of the basement. President Priest appears on the scene. Kai follows the mummy out into the corridor)

KAI: Do you not see the irony Drago?

(He fires into the mummy's back)

KAI: Once you were a mindless philosopher-poet, now you are a mindless killer. It is an irony that even you should appreciate

(He fires three more times as the mummy heads upstairs)

KAI: Crying night, crying night. The ears of a child. A cockatoo? The thunder cracks

(Stan and Xev are carrying the coffin away downstairs)

STAN: Come on Xev, we gotta hide it. I think he saw us
KAI: Despair! Brutal whispers, weeping, weeping, weeping

(He fires his brace again, then backs away as the mummy heads back downstairs, after the coffin)

KAI: I hope I am doing justice to your work, Drago

(The mummy follows Kai into the cage. Priest watches, listening to the poetry)

KAI: The bloated sun, a single grape, that silently mocks our -

(The mummy grabs Kai - )

DRAGO: Emptiness

( - and falls to the floor)

STAN: Ha ha, his fluid finally ran out
PRIEST: So, are you ready to go to the space shuttle now?
STAN: Oh yeah, right now
PRIEST: That's too bad in a way. I wanted to hear the rest of the poem. Emptiness - er, a, b, c, d, e, f - femptiness, gemptiness -
STAN: Oh, let's just go!

(Daybreak finds them all out in the desert. Xev is back in her usual outfit, Kai is burying the mummy)

PRIEST: Brutal whispers - weeping. The bloated sun, a single grape, that silently mocks our emptiness
KAI: Hopefully no-one will find this for a very long time
XEV: What if someone does?
STAN: It's OK Xev, it's a Type 13 planet. It doesn't have much time anyway

(Stan, Xev and Kai leave)

PRIEST: Emptiness, pemptiness, temptiness, exemptiness -

(From underground, the mummy roars)

© Filking Fairy