(Black and white stock footage of the Vietnam war, then a soldier appears)

VOICE: Corporal Harrison Birdie

(Birdie salutes)

BIRDIE: When this war's over for me? Well, I hope to be spending all of my time looking after my little girl

(Another soldier - Bogie)

BOGIE: Private First Class Roland Bogie. I don't know what exactly I wish for after the war - but I know I'm still gonna be protecting and serving the red, white and blue

(Another soldier - Eagle, who looks a lot like Root, from Boomtown 3.4)

EAGLE: Sergeant Dwayne Eagle. When I'm through with this war - well, I guess I'll just still wanna be with my buddies

(Out in space, the big asteroid is moving closer to Earth. A probe leaves it - looks like a metallic conker with a tail. It flies onto the Lexx, has a look at the bridge, and 790, who is tied up. It flies down a passageway, looks at Xev, moves onto the cryochamber, past Kai, and into Stan's bedroom. Stan is sweating, having a nightmare - he's running through trees, with animal noises behind him. He stops, shocked)

STAN: Ah! Lyekka!

(Lyekka is in the dream, wearing grey/red crop top, baggy trousers, and a hat that looks like a flowerpot. She opens her mouth wide - and Stan wakes up screaming)

STAN: Lyekka!

(Stan heads onto the bridge, pulling on his uniform)

STAN: Hey, robot head - you notice anything strange around here?
790: Yes - you
STAN: Ha ha

(He looks at the view screen)

STAN: Hey Lexx, what's that?
LEXX: It looks like an asteroid, captain Stanley
STAN: Well why's it moving so fast? Asteroids don't do that
LEXX: Would you like me to blow it up for you?
STAN: Yeah, I think that might be a good idea, just to be on the safe side (onto pedestal)
790: It is an alien craft, disguised as an asteroid, on its way to Earth
STAN: What?
790: Presumably related to the carrot aliens

(The Lexx targets the asteroid. Stan looks at the view screen, thinks. He goes to the cryochamber and wakes Kai)

STAN: Wake up, wake up!

(Kai follows Stan, who shakes Xev awake)

STAN: Come on, come on, wake up, wake up!

(They all go onto the bridge)

STAN: It's the mother carrot ship, it's on its way to Earth
790: I vote for blowing it up. The aliens might develop an interest in Kai
STAN: Yeah, I think we should blow it up too

(He gets onto the pedestal)

KAI: Why?
STAN: Why? Because it's gonna wipe out everything on Earth
KAI: The aliens are predators. And a predator's natural and normal behaviour is to consume other life forms
STAN: Oh no, don't start
KAI: To consume other life forms is to act in accordance with its nature
STAN: well, I'm gonna act in accordance with my nature and blast it! Xev, you got a problem with that?
XEV: Nope
STAN: OK, two out of three. That's good enough for me
KAI: Three out of three. To consume other plants and animals is natural and normal. But to scour a planet of all life, which seems to be the carrot-asteroid agenda, is - unbalanced
STAN: Yeah, exactly!
XEV: Why do you care?
STAN: What?
XEV: Just curious. For quite a while now you've been saying that the Earth is a stupid planet
STAN: Yeah, so?
XEV: Well, then why are you so concerned about what happens to it

(She walks up to him, puts her hands on the arm rests)

STAN: OK Xev - it is a Type 13 planet, and it's in its last stage, but I still don't think it should be eaten by aliens, I mean it's, it's defenceless against them
XEV: I agree. But let me ask you this - why didn't you just go ahead and destroy the asteroid? Why did you bother to wake us up?
STAN: I thought -
XEV: Can't you make decisions on your own, captain, hmm?
STAN: Are you saying that I'm afraid to make decisions?!
XEV: Hmm
STAN: Ah! (he activates the template) OK Lexx, I order you to -
LYEKKA: No!

(Lyekka enters from the passageway, dressed as she was in Stan's nightmare)

XEV: Lyekka?
STAN: Lyekka?
LYEKKA: If you destroy my ship, you destroy me

(Meanwhile, down on Earth - or rather just above it - Air Force One, the President's plane, is heading for Vietnam. Inside, President Priest is struggling with his seat belt, while First Lady Bunny is pacing around, wearing a skimpy, stars and stripes cheerleader outfit)

BUNNY: I don't understand why we had to come all this way to Vietnam. I hate it!
PRIEST: I explained it to you Bunny - they won't let us just sit around the White House all day everyday watching cartoons
BUNNY: Well why not?!

(She flops down onto a seat)

PRIEST: Because the President must be seen to be doing something
BUNNY: Well, watching cartoons is doing something
PRIEST: Look, Bunnykins, I don't want to be in Vietnam either, but it's important that a president keeps up appearances, that he is seen as bold and decisive - some of the time

(Bunny comes over and undoes his seat belt, then his zip. He does it up.)

BUNNY: Why Vietnam?
PRIEST: Don't worry, Bunnykins (he slaps her bottom) I mean, how long can it take to play 18 holes with the Pope? What is 18 holes, anyway?
BUNNY: I don't know. I've never heard of a game called 18 holes - and whose holes, anyway?!
PRIEST: (laughs) We'll soon find out, won't we honey bunny pookykins

(He pulls her onto his lap)

BUNNY: Oh Mr President - I'll go all the way for you
(She does up his seat belt)

(The plane lands by the Khe Sanh Khuntry Klub. Helicopters hover nearby. There are lots of golf caddies - and priests)

BUNNY: I thought the Pope was a man
PRIEST: Hmm?
GENEV: Mr President

(It's Genevieve G Rota, dressed as the Pope - although normally the Pope doesn't have crossed golf clubs embroidered on his headgear)

PRIEST: Hello
GENEV: Such an honour

(She holds out her hand)

PRIEST: It is, it is. And you are - ?
BUNNY: (whispers) She's the Pope
PRIEST: Oo, your excellency. What a pleasure it is to meet you

(He goes to kiss her hand - which she lowers to her crotch. Bunny pulls him back)

PRIEST: May I introduce First lady Bunny?
BUNNY: Hi!

(She does a little curtsey)

GENEV: Bunny? As in wabbit? As in chocolate bunny, Easter bunny, Playboy bunny? Hmm

(She puts her arm around Priest's shoulder, walks with him)

GENEV: Can we call you Reginald?
PRIEST: Yes, of course
GENEV: It is such an honour to meet you, Reggie
PRIEST: Really?
GENEV: Oh yes, of course! A little while ago you were a nothing, a cypher, a zero, right? Now you are President of the United States of America. You are the most powerful man in the world. And we - we are the Pope
PRIEST: Congratulations

(Bunny catches up with them, but Genevieve pushes her away, and carries on walking with Priest)

GENEV: Life in the Vatican can be so hectic, as you can imagine. We don't get out much. And when we heard that you were coming back to Vietnam we thought, hey, why don't you show us around, we can do that wine and dine thing, we could get to know one another, you know, schmooze
PRIEST: I can't show you around, I don't know anything about the place

(Bunny catches up with them behind a podium)

GENEV: But you were missing in action for three decades, hiding in a rat-infested jungle, were you not?
PRIEST: Oo, yes yes, of course

(He rubs his 'wounded' leg. So does Bunny. And so does Genevieve)

GENEV: Aw, you poor thing

(She slides her hand higher. Bunny slaps it, and pulls Priest towards her)

BUNNY: Poor Mr President

(Genevieve pulls him to her)

GENEV: Poor, poor Mr President

(Bunny pulls him back)

BUNNY: Poor Mr President my husband!
GENEV: Mr President, are we going to be able to squeeze in 18 holes? or just 9?
PRIEST: (giggles) I suppose that depends on First Lady Bunny - she's very very very very jealous, you know

(Bunny giggles. Genevieve gets up onto the podium and looks at the audience seated in front of her)

GENEV: Hello everyone. It's a real hoot to be here, to bless this modern facility (she makes a fumbled attempt at the sign of the cross) - amen. And it's an even greater hoot to introduce you to the Commander-in-Chief of the number one real estate portfolio in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States of America, Reginald J Priest

(Priest and Bunny stand on the podium behind her. The audience claps)

BUNNY: The speech they gave you, in your pocket
PRIEST: Oo, er - right

(He gets out the speech, starts to read it)

PRIEST: First off, let me say how proud I am to be here with you today, especially Pope Genevieve the First, and of course everyone else

(The audience claps politely)

PRIEST: As many of you know, this isn't my first time in your beautiful (a mosquito bites him) ouch! - your beautiful and troubled nation. I cannot help but hearken back to the immortal words of General Douglas S McArthur who, in the darkest days of the war when he was being forced out of the Philippine islands by the invading Japanese eo eloquently stated -

(He drops his speech off the podium. Bunny, Priest and Genevieve lean forward, look, lean back Priest decides to bluff his way through the speech)

PRIEST: Um - you, um - you er - bad, bad, Japanese people!

(Priest and Bunny giggle)

(In space, the asteroid passes by the Lexx. Meanwhile, on the bridge - )

LYEKKA: My whole family is on that asteroid. If you destroy it, you destroy us all
STAN: Wait a second now. You can't be Lyekka
XEV: Lyekka's dead
LYEKKA: You are - Stanley
STAN: Whoa! Look, I know you can't be Lyekka, so don't try to fool me

(Lyekka moves closer to him)

LYEKKA: I am a plant
STAN: Oh, here we go again
LYEKKA: I came into your dream. I saw a girl there who you liked very much -
STAN: Yes
LYEKKA: So I took her shape -
STAN: Yes
LYEKKA: So that I could talk to you
STAN: Yes
XEV: So you're a plant. Are you the same kind of plant that Lyekka was?
LYEKKA: I am a plant. I am like Lyekka. But - I'm not the exact same Lyekka. I am - a new Lyekka. I'm Lyekka's sister Lyekka

(She smiles - and Stan is hooked)

STAN: Oh, like a twin sister Lyekka?
LYEKKA: Like a twin sister Lyekka! (laughs) I like you, Stanley. You smell good

(She snaps her teeth at him - he jumps back, still smiling. Xev moves between them)

XEV: What do you want, twin sister Lyekka?
LYEKKA: I'm hungry
STAN: That's a surprise

(Lyekka flicks her tongue at Xev, who copies her)

STAN: She's Lyekka
KAI: What do you want to eat?
LYEKKA: All the tasty things in that little blue planet
790: Told you
STAN: Shut up
LYEKKA: We sent our carrot probes down to see if there were good things to eat there - and there are. There are lots and lots of rich greasy tasty things - especially people. And we have to eat. If we don't eat, we'll die

(Lyekka looks at Stan. Xev stands between them)

XEV: So, you and your family plan to just go down to the planet and eat everybody?
LYEKKA: Everybody. And everything
XEV: Oh
STAN: Yeah, you know now that I think of it, you know, it is a Type 13 planet in its last stage
XEV: What?!
STAN: Yeah, and you heard what Lyekka said, if she and her family don't eat they're gonna die. That's natural
XEV: Oh, it's natural, of course! Stanley, just a minute ago you were ready to blow up Lyekka's asteroid and now suddenly it's OK?!
STAN: Well look, I - I'm just being more open-minded, OK? Yeah, it is a stupid planet I mean, you know, so, so - why should we care about it? And like - Lyekka being here, and hungry - you know, why not?
XEV: Kai?

(Kai moves closer to Lyekka. Stan moves away)

KAI: Eating everything on the planet is unbalanced. What would you do afterward?
LYEKKA: Eat another tasty planet
XEV: Lyekka, we cannot let you wipe out all life down there
KAI: And when the universe runs out of planets, Lyekka will starve to death
LYEKKA: This universe has lots of yummy planets
STAN: You guys are being way too technical (gets up on pedestal) Lyekka, look - as captain of the Lexx, the most powerful destructive force in the two universes - I hereby grant you permission to chow down on Earth

(Lyekka smiles)

XEV: Sorry Lyekka, we cannot allow you to eat the Earth - right Kai?
LYEKKA: But - we will die if we don't eat
STAN: Did you hear that? She doesn't wanna die!
XEV: I know Stan but what you're trying to do is wrong
LYEKKA: We don't have to eat everybody and everything
STAN: You don't?
LYEKKA: No. We'd like to eat it all, but we could just eat a small part of it
XEV: What small part?
LYEKKA: Our carrot probes found yummy places with fat and greasy and delicious people. We could eat a small area and leave the rest
STAN: Now see - that's what I call a true spirit of compromise

(He gets down from the pedestal and holds Lyekka's hands)

STAN: Lyekka here is willing to eat just a small part of the planet and not the whole thing. Now, that's not being excessive and unbalanced, is it? No!

(Lyekka shakes her head)

STAN: Well, does it matter to you who you eat?
LYEKKA: No. As long as they are - tasty
STAN: (laughs) Well, maybe there's a simple way to work it out. Maybe Lyekka can agree with the people of Earth what part of the planet they wouldn't mind her eating
XEV: And how would this agreement be made?
STAN: well - I'm sure that Lyekka wouldn't mind getting together with the leaders of the Earth and working something out, would you now?
LYEKKA: I would, Stanley, but - who are the leaders of the Earth?

(Lyekka looks at Xev, who looks at Kai)

(Meanwhile, in Vietnam, President Priest is still giving his speech)

PRIEST: And so I say to you, we send every last bad Japanese person back to - Japaneseland!

(The audience looks very confused by all this)

PRIEST: Oo - which reminds me of a cartoon I saw just the other day with First lady Bunny. There was this cat, you see, and he was all dressed up like a Japanese warrior - you know, big sword and funny helmet. Haiyonka miaow!

(He mimes waving a sword)

GENEV: You mean a samurai
PRIEST: Oo, thank you. Anyway, he was chasing a mouse who had a little white beard and a funny red white and blue hat - like the man in the painting in the White House
BUNNY: Uncle Sam
PRIEST: Please, Bunny, not now! Anyway, the cat swung his sword like this (he spins, laughing) but he missed! And then the mouse pulled a gun out of his top hat and tied it to the cat's tail and kaboom! (he laughs, then gets serious) But let me make one thing perfectly clear. The mouse was ready for the Japaneseland cat every time. Yes he was. Yes

(The audience is silent. A helicopter hovers nearby)

(Stan, Xev, Kai and Lyekka are in a moth heading for earth. 790 is on the view screen)

790: So, Kai-o-riffic, he's at the Khe Sanh Khuntry Klub, Ho Chi Minh City in a country called Vietnam. I'm feeding the co-ordinates now

(The moth flies over the golf course, parks beside some golf carts. Everyone gets out)

LYEKKA: Where's the President?
XEV: It's hot here. Are you sure we're in the right place?
KAI: 790 is unlikely to be wrong
STAN: Maybe he's in this building somewhere

(They go inside a garage)

STAN: We're looking for the President, 790 says he's around here somewhere? Need to find him

(Lyekka crouches down by a square in the floor. Muffled shouts below)

STAN: Well, they're not here, no-one's in here

(Kai pulls back part of the floor covering and a bamboo grille to reveal a pit full of men. And old guy in a ragged uniform gives a salute, which Stan tries to return)

COL: Marine Colonel Delbert K Gore, 115th Air Cav. Serial number 542982. Semper Fi, sir

(Stan bends over to talk with him)

STAN: Er, look guys - don't wanna interrupt whatever kinda - you know, kinky party you guys got going on down there but we're wondering if you might happen to know where Reginald Priest was?
XEV: He's supposed to be around here somewhere?
STAN: Maybe it's got something to do with golf. Look, I'll tell you what - we'll just be on our way, OK? We'll just leave you to it
COL: That uniform - is that some new type of special forces?
STAN: No, no, this is from the Cluster - you know, the Light Zone
COL: I was doing med evac in Da Nang in 68, and Charlie gets one lucky shot and I spend the next thirty years in this stinking hellhole. We all got similar stories
XEV: Golf is one weird game, huh?
STAN: Yeah, so's this place
COL: Yeah, a golf course, right - Charlie's got a sick sense of humour. And all that time we're thinking about just one thing
XEV: What thing?
COL: Evening the score with Charlie
STAN: Look pal, whatever the score is OK, I think you should forget about your silly little game with Charlie, because we are on a very important mission - we gotta find the President
COL: The president? What president?
STAN: Of the United States. He's supposed to be around here somewhere
XEV: With the Pope
COL: They captured the President and the Pope?! The godless commies have finally snuffed out the light of liberty

(Xev kneels down)

XEV: Will you help us find them?

(The men clamber out)

COL: Ma'am, I've been in this stinking Khe Sanh for 30 years, but I'm still a marine. There's just 6 of us left out of the original 94, but we still fight for the red white and blue, don't we boys - yeah!

(He pulls out some guns, concealed among golf clubs)

COL: We've been ready for this day for a long long time. The only thing that held us back is we didn't have a ride home until today (puts on helmet) Charlie made this POW camp look like a golf course, but I'm sure of one thing
STAN: What?
COL: Charlie don't golf

(The Colonel starts the marines singing)

COL: Ho Chi Minh is a son of a bitch! Got the blue balls, crabs and the seven year itch!

(They march out, singing. Stan looks baffled)

(Thankfully, Priest's improvised speech is drawing to a close)

PRIEST: And so I say to you, be careful how you eat your cheese, around the Japanese - haiyonka miaow!

(The sound of singing marines can now be heard)

COL: Fore!

(The marines open fire. Caddies whip out machine guns and start firing. Bunny and Priest run screaming. Helicopters start shooting. The audience run for their lives, and Stan is swept away with them. Xev Kai and Lyekka walk on through the fleeing people. The priests have guns too. Several of them stand guard around Genevieve, who is smiling down from the podium)

XEV: Where's Stan?

(A helicopter moves closer. Kai readies his brace to protect Xev and Lyekka)

(Explosions are going off left right and centre. Everyone is shooting)

BUNNY: Mr President!

(Priest is running for cover. Genevieve calmly walks through the mayhem, up to the tree Priest is hiding behind)

GENEV: Boo!

(Stan runs backwards into the tree, sits down by Priest, then realises who it is)

PRIEST: Stanley Tweedle
STAN: President Priest!

(Then Stan looks up - and sees Genevieve)

STAN: Giggerota!
GENEV: Who?
STAN: OK then, Queen
GENEV: Honey, do we look like a queen?
PRIEST: Oh, so you two know each other?
STAN: Oh yeah
GENEV: No
PRIEST: He's Stanley Tweedle
STAN: Captain of the most powerful destructive force in the two universes - as if you didn't know!
GENEV: Nice to meet you - captain

(She holds out her hand - then mimes a gun. Her priests point guns at Stan and Priest)

(Elsewhere, the colonel is killed by priests. Helicopters are shooting at everybody. Bunny runs around screaming for the President - then Eagle jumps in front of her, grabbing two bullets)

EAGLE: Everything's gonna be OK now, missy - the Eagle's here

(He throws the bullets away, and carries her off)

(Elsewhere, Xev, Kai and Lyekka are trying to find Stan)

XEV: Stan! Stan!

(She leans over a wounded priest)

XEV: Excuse me - have you seen a man with a red suit and a hat? Do you know who's in charge here?
KAI: There's no sign of him, or the President
LYEKKA: Where do you think they went?
PRIEST: Upriver
XEV: Let's go

(They head back to the moth - arriving just in time to see it blown up by a helicopter)

XEV: Now what?

(They walk to the river - and see a boat)

(Kai steers, Lyekka and Xev sit in front. They head upriver)

XEV: Lyekka, let me ask you something. Why can't you just leave this planet alone and go eat another one?
LYEKKA: Because I'm here, not on another planet. This one has lots of tasty food, and I am very very hungry
KAI: Lyekka needs to eat just like you need to eat, Xev
LYEKKA:(to Kai) Don't you ever need to eat tasty things?
KAI: No
XEV: The dead do not care about tasty things
LYEKKA: I need to eat something - soon

(An ancient temple in the jungle. Stan and Priest are at opposite ends of a passage, both tied with arms above their heads and lit candles around their feet)

STAN: Help! Help! Help! Somebody get us out of here! Oh, I knew coming back to Earth was gonna be a bad idea. I hate this planet, I hate this planet, I just hate hate hate this planet!

(Genevieve enters - her hat has been replaced by an eye shade. She pulls on golfing gloves, chooses a club from one of her priests)

PRIEST: Oo, your Holiness. We were wondering when we might be -
GENEV: Might be what?
PRIEST: Able to get back to the game - of 18 holes
GENEV: How about - right now?
PRIEST: Excellent
STAN: Look, Giggerota, Queen, Pope, whatever you're calling yourself this time - what do you want from us?

(Genevieve takes aim at the ball - and hits it into Priest's face)

GENEV: Fore! Missed
PRIEST: That hurt
GENEV: Not as much as it will when we nail that gas can over your head

(Priest looks up, sees the gas can balanced on a pole above his head. Stan looks up at his gas can, then down at the lit candles, and realises what's going to happen)

GENEV: Some people think it strange that a deadlocked college of cardinals would randomly choose a name from the real estate section of the Miami Herald to become the next pope

(She walks over to Priest, pokes him with her golf club)

GENEV: We don't. We always knew we were destined for greatness. Ever since we woke up
STAN: You woke up?
GENEV: Yes. Woke up as Genevieve G Rota, president of Rota Realty. And then we became the Pope. But what were we before we became a real estate agent?
STAN: A cannibal!
GENEV: We don't remember

(Genevieve hits the next ball into Stan's face)

GENEV: Close - but close does not count
PRIEST: I thought it was an excellent shot, your Holiness. You should take a second one
GENEV: All right, we will. At you
PRIEST: Oh no
GENEV: Fore!

(She hits his head again. Stan winces)

GENEV: You were born, we were not. We're special
PRIEST: I wasn't born either. I just woke up too
GENEV: Really?
PRIEST: Really

(Genevieve hits another ball, which just misses the gas can)

(Back on the boat, Xev, Lyekka and Kai are steering past cliffs, jungle. They hear something roar)

LYEKKA: What was that?
KAI: It sounded like a large feline mammal called a tiger
LYEKKA: Stop the boat
KAI: Why?
LYEKKA: I want to eat it
KAI: Why?
LYEKKA: Because it sounds so yummy(smiles)

(Kai steers to the bank. Lyekka gets out and walks into the jungle)

XEV: I don't trust her
KAI: Do you want me to go with her?
XEV: Yes

(Kai walks into the jungle)

KAI: Stay in the boat
XEV: That's not a problem
KAI: Lyekka! Lyekka!

(Xev is in the boat looking at the river when Kai returns)

KAI: I could not find her. Xev, I think it is fair
XEV: What?
KAI: That we allow Lyekka to eat part of the planet if she agrees not to eat the whole Earth
XEV: But you said that she was an unbalanced predator who would probably go on to destroy the whole universe
KAI: She has shown that she can act in a balanced way. We can - support her now. I think I hear her

(Xev looks at him, not sure about this)

XEV: Be extra careful, Kai
KAI: Why?
XEV: Because I don't trust her

(Kai goes back into the jungle - and transforms into Lyekka, who then meets up with the real Kai)

LYEKKA: Let's go back to the boat
KAI: But you have not yet eaten the tiger
LYEKKA: I let it go
KAI: Why? I thought you said you were very very hungry
LYEKKA: I am. But I think - I prefer to eat people

(They go back to the boat)

XEV: Did you eat the tiger?
KAI: Lyekka says she prefers human prey
LYEKKA: They are soft and tender - with lots of fat

(She smiles, sits down in the boat. They set off again)

(Priest gasps as a ball bounces against his gas can)

PRIEST: That was very very very very close. We can see you are a good shot, you don't have to practise any more, your Excellency-ness
STAN: Look, look, whatever it is you want, you can have it, right? Right Mr President?
PRIEST: Yes yes of course, we agree to everything
GENEV: The job of a pope comes with a pretty good real estate portfolio but -
STAN: But what?
GENEV: It's not enough. We want it all
STAN: Well you can have it all, we don't care!

(Genevieve hits another ball, which just misses Stan's gas can)

GENEV: That much to the left, and you would have been Tweedle toast

(Stan sighs)

GENEV: We have a plan. Shall we share it with you?
STAN: Yes!
PRIEST: Oh please

(Genevieve holds up two golf balls)

GENEV: One of you, is President of the United States of America. The other - is captain of the Lexx. And one of you is going to help expand our real estate portfolio. And the other (chuckles) won't be around to share that special moment

(She knocks one ball away with the other, and licks her lips. Stan struggles with his ropes)

(Back to the river. Night is falling)

XEV: Look!

(It's Bunny - on a lookout post - leading marines in an aerobics lesson)

BUNNY: OK now, let's just warm up our hips a little, 'cause we're really gonna use them a lot in this workout, OK? And now we're gonna march it up - good!

(She has a baton - the marines watching her use their guns instead)

BUNNY: Higher! And lift - and lift - and lift - and lift!
And squat - and squat - and squat - and squat! Come on, Bogie
And lift - and lift - and lift - and lift! Kick your knees higher, Birdie
And squat - and squat - and squat - and squat!
And stretch to the left -
And stretch to the right -
Now stretch to the left, and shaky shaky shaky!
Now stretch to the right, and shaky shaky shaky!
Don't look so nervous back there, I know you can do it. Looking good! How you feeling boys? You look real great. Whoo! All right, now we're gonna do a turn, a jump and a shimmy down
And turn! And jump! And shimmy down!
And turn! And jump! And shimmy down!
That's good! OK boys - now this one's a little hot

(She pushes the baton between her legs from behind, pulls it out in front, twirls it)

And oo - ahh - and shaky shaky shaky!
And oo - ahh - and shaky shaky shaky!
Really shake it there Bogie. Looking good boys - it's so cute
OK - and one, and two, and boogie woogie woogie woo

(Eagle gets up on top of the tower with her. The music stops)

EAGLE: Time you oughta come down, missy
BUNNY: But were not even halfway through the workout
EAGLE: That's OK missy. We're about to have another workout
BUNNY: Oh. With who?
EAGLE: With Charlie

(He leads her down onto the ground)

BIRDIE: It's almost twenty three hundred sir
EAGLE: I know Birdie, that's why I'm helping missy down. Birdie's got a gal, don't you Birdie? (pats his head)
BIRDIE: Yeah, back in Chillicothe, Ohio
BUNNY: That's nice

(Eagle takes Bunny behind some sandbags)

EAGLE: Birdie's not gonna make it missy - but you are. Hey - you're safe with us

(Eagle leaves)

BIRDIE: Keep your head down now, Miss Bunny, like the sergeant told you
BUNNY: Why?

(She gets up - he pulls her back down)

BOGIE: So Charlie don't get ya
BUNNY: Who's Charlie?
BOGIE: Charlie - is Charlie
BUNNY: Oh. Where is he?

(She gets up - he pulls her back down)

BOGIE: He's out there!
BUNNY: Out where?
BIRDIE: Out there. Tonight
BOGIE: Tomorrow night
BIRDIE: Every night

(Bunny stands up - and screams, as the attack begins. Bogie is hit. She goes to him)

BOGIE: When you get back to the States, don't forget to tell 'em what the boys of the fighting 78th -

(Bogie dies. Eagle returns)

BUNNY: He's dead
EAGLE: Bogie was a fine marine. It's gonna get too hot for you here soon, missy. Let's go

(He leads her away. She stops as Birdie falls. They crouch behind some sandbags)

EAGLE: You'll be safe here missy
BUNNY: What about you, Sergeant Eagle?

(He winks, then goes around a corner. There's an explosion. Bunny runs into the jungle screaming - and meets Xev, Lyekka and Kai)

BUNNY: Quick! Run! They're attacking!
XEV: Who?
BUNNY: Charlie! They were shooting and there were all these explosions and then Bogie was shot, and Eagle was blown up
XEV: We didn't hear anything
LYEKKA: We saw you dancing

(Kai looks at a sign on the ground, under some leaves)

BUNNY: But I don't understand. I mean, they were all there, all these marines - really cute ones. And we were dancing, and doing a workout, until the attack
KAI: Perhaps this is the attack you were referring to

(He holds up the sign)

XEV: What does it say?
KAI: It says 'On September 15th 1968 Sergeant D Eagle, Corporal H Birdie, PFC R Bogie and 29 other brave marines defended this hill to the last man and Charlie never took it'
BUNNY: But they were just here! I saw them
XEV: This is one weird planet Bunny
LYEKKA: And a tasty one
BUNNY: Hi LooLoo
LYEKKA: Lyekka
BUNNY: I like you too

(They walk on. Bunny looks back, and sees the ghosts of the marines saluting. She waves, and they vanish)

(Day - back on the river. They hear Priest shouting)

PRIEST: Help! Help! Bunny!
BUNNY: Baby!
PRIEST: Bunny!

(Kai steers towards the bank. They see the temple. Instead, Genevieve is taking aim at Stan)

STAN: Look, look, I control the Lexx - kill him!

(The ball hits Stan's chest)

PRIEST: Let me go, and I'll dump Stanley Tweedle's gas can all over him and save you all this trouble

(Stan glares at Priest, then looks up at his gas can)

GENEV: That's not the way we're playing the game
PRIEST: Isn't your arm getting sore? I know mine would be by now
GENEV: No. Golf is bigger than all of us. Golf is the new catechism. Sometimes you bogie -
PRIEST: Help!
GENEV: Sometimes you par - sometimes you eagle!

(The ball hits Priest's head. Genevieve laughs)

PRIEST: Bunny!
STAN: Help, somebody, somebody help us, get us out of here!
GENEV: And on the rarest of occasions, you score a holy in one!

(The ball hits the gas can above Stan's head)

GENEV: Yes!

(Stan gasps - and Kai's brace pulls the gas can back to the upright position. Genevieve's priests shoot at Kai - he kills all four of them in one go. Bunny runs into the temple)

BUNNY: Mr President!
PRIEST: Bunny! Bunny!

(Kai and Xev go to Stan)

STAN: Oh, thank you Kai, thank you thank you thank you

(Kai steps up to help Stan down. Xev looks at the Pope)

XEV: Giggerota?
GENEV: Who? We are Pope Genevieve the First, formerly known as G G Rota

(She holds out her hand. Xev touches it, then lets go)

XEV: You are Giggerota. You came here from the planet Fire with all the other evil spirits when the Lexx blew up the planet, right?
GENEV: That makes sense, in a weird way. Hey listen guys, we were just enjoying a game of golf in true Vatican tradition, weren't we boys?
STAN: We were not enjoying it

(Priest joins them, leaning on Bunny, kissing her)

PRIEST: Not in the slightest
STAN: Oh no, Giggerota was bad and Queen was bad. She's completely insane. All she ever talks about is golf!
XEV: Listen - Lyekka's here to talk to the world leader, and I guess that must be you
GENEV: Uh uh, no no no no no. There's been a change at the top of the leader board. Isn't that right Reg?
PRIEST: No!
LYEKKA: I like you - and I like to eat people

(Lyekka is standing behind Genevieve, sniffing. Genevieve turns to look at her)

GENEV: That reminds me of a dream we've been having

(Genevieve and Lyekka walk away)

BUNNY: You OK baby? My little studmuffin
PRIEST: My bunny wunny
BUNNY: What did she do to you?

(Genevieve and Lyekka walk out into a courtyard)

LYEKKA: Tell me about your dream
GENEV: Well - we've been having weird dreams lately
LYEKKA: A good one?
GENEV: A people one - a food people one!
LYEKKA: Do you eat them?
GENEV: Oh yes!
LYEKKA: Are they tasty?
GENEV: Oh yes yes yes!
LYEKKA: Meaty
GENEV: Greasy
LYEKKA: Crunchy
GENEV: Scrunchy
LYEKKA: Chewy
GENEV: Gooey!
LYEKKA: You are making me very very hungry
GENEV: Let's eat, girlfriend
LYEKKA: I will

(Lyekka opens her mouth wide. Genevieve moans - and screams. The others hear her as they leave the temple)

STAN: Ha ha. Serves her right. Stupid cannibal was gonna burn us alive
LYEKKA: And she was very very tasty

(Lyekka walks up to Stan, who smiles and laughs)

STAN: Good work Lyekka
LYEKKA: (to Priest) Are you the leader of this planet?
BUNNY: Tell her, Mr President
PRIEST: Oo, I suppose I am
LYEKKA: I want to make a deal with you
PRIEST: That's nice, but First Lady Bunny and I are now on vacation - so all deals are off until we come back, whenever that is, which won't be for a while
STAN: Mr President, Mr President, listen - remember those carrot drones that are all over the planet?
PRIEST: Oo, yes yes, of course
KAI: Lyekka sent them
STAN: Yeah, she's from the alien carrot mother ship which is soon gonna be here and it's gonna eat the entire planet
PRIEST: First Lady Bunny and I will of course be leaving on the Lexx with you, right?
STAN: No!
PRIEST: Oo. That's not good then
XEV: But rather than eat the whole planet, the three of us thought it would be more balanced if she just ate a part of it and then moved on
STAN: Yeah exactly, I'm glad to see you're coming around to my point of view Xev
LYEKKA: So, what part can I eat?
PRIEST: Eat, er - the Japanese. They're just a menace and a nuisance

(Priest and Bunny walk away)

LYEKKA: They sound tasty. Do we have a deal?
PRIEST: Yes yes, eat Japaneseland. That works for me
STAN: Works for me too
XEV: Me too. Kai?
KAI: The dead should not meddle in the affairs of the living

(Lyekka transforms back into her spiny seed pod form, flies away. Stan watches, sighs, smiles)

(The President's plane takes off. Bunny is exercising, Xev is lying on a couch. Stan and Kai are by the windows)

STAN: OK look, we're ready to go back to the Lexx, all right?
PRIEST: Don't worry, it will happen. I'm the President, remember?
BUNNY: You're my President
PRIEST: You're my First Bunny. The football

(An assistant hands Bunny the football)

PRIEST: Toss me the football. Bunny, the atlas - the funny book with the maps in it
BUNNY: Oh
PRIEST: Vietnam, Vietnam, Vietnam - here it is. Goodnight, Vietnam

(Priest pushes buttons inside the football)

PRIEST: Peow!
BUNNY: Peow!

(Stan and Xev look at each other. Priest and Bunny kiss)

BOTH: Peow!

(A missile flies out of the plane, and blows up Vietnam)

© Filking Fairy