(The Lexx flies though space. Xev is lying down on the bridge, using 790 as a pillow. Stan is looking at the view screen)

STAN: It has to be here, Lexx! This is the right sector, I'm sure
LEXX: I don't see anything Stan
STAN: 790, come on, you gotta help me. The Celes pleasure transport is here somewhere
790: I'm busy
STAN: You're not busy!
790: And I have no motivation to assist you in your joyless quest for sexual relief
STAN: Xev - being around you, it's not easy. I suffer, I hurt! I've got feelings too.I know you have no interest in me, but I would think, because of the extra sexual drive you got from your love slave transformation that you, more than anyone, would understand my situation
790: If you kill him, he'd stop talking
STAN: Look, the women on the Celes pleasure transport will give me what I need - they're really good, they're really, really - oh!
XEV: Wouldn't they want money?
STAN: They're traders, you just give them something valuable and it's bingo bongo yum yum time
790: Bingo bongo dumb dumb time!

(Xev sits up, interested)

XEV: Any men aboard?
790: As if that were of any interest
STAN: No
XEV: And what would you trade?

(Stan sits down on the pedestal opposite her)

STAN: Well - I'm sure I could get a really pleasant enema in exchange for a robot head
790: Please - kill him now, Xev

(Xev gets up and swings from the arm of the pedestal, teasing Stan)

XEV: 790 - locate the Celes pleasure transport
790: What?!
XEV: You heard me. Why should we deny Stan the release he seeks?
790: You want release, Tweedle? Jump off the bridge!
XEV: 790
790: As you desire

(The view screen displays a very unusual vessel - shaped like a woman's torso, with neon lights, and videos playing on screens where the legs would be. Stan jumps up and points at the screen)

STAN: That's it! I'm home

(Later, on the bridge. Stan is relating one of his sexual exploits - Xev is listening indulgently)

STAN: And I had to make a decision, so, I said, 'Number 17 - and number 42!' (laughs) and then, I go into this little room. They both come in. Off go the clothes, on goes the oil, and they start rubbing themselves all over me, and then -

(The view screen shows a naked woman, lying tastefully on red sheets)

WOMAN: Welcome. This is the famous Celes pleasure transport, cruising the universe to make your day a lovelier one

(Stan gets up on the pedestal)

STAN: Er - I don't know if you remember me, but my name is Stanley Tweedle, that's Stanley H Tweedle. Permission to - come - aboard?

(The woman smiles)

WOMAN: Welcome back, Stanley Tweedle! Permission granted
STAN: Yeah! All right then
XEV: Have fun, mighty captain of the Lexx
STAN: Don't wait up for me

(Stan leaves the bridge. Xev sits down, and rests her elbow on 790)

XEV: If you only had a tongue
790: Pretend that I do!

(790 licks frantically at his mouth screen. Xev sticks her tongue out at him)

(A moth heads to the Celes pleasure transport. Stan arrives, and pops his head through red curtains. The woman's image appears on the glass domed ceiling/breast)

WOMAN: Welcome. This is the famous Celes pleasure transport, cruising the universe to make your day a lovelier one

(Stan looks around the room. A girl wearing a white outfit with a veil emerges from behind a curtain. She starts dancing, and Stan joins in, until he's distracted by the arrival of another girl. This one is wearing a very short nighty. She has pigtails and is sucking a lollipop. Stan sucks his thumb at her)

WOMAN: Hello Stanley Tweedle
STAN: I'm here! And I already know what I want. I want number 17, number 43, and number 55! (laughs)

(He looks behind a curtain, and goes into another room)

STAN: Hello? Anybody home?

(The wall is made up of hundreds of TV screens, showing a huge image of the woman)

WOMAN: Hello Stanley Tweedle
STAN: (suspicious) Hello?

(The image of the woman throws a condom - and suddenly a giant condom drops down over Stan, trapping him. The woman blows, and Stan is blown over)

(On the Lexx, Xev and 790 watch an image which has appeared on the view screen. A man is talking, against a background showing the scales of justice)

MAN: Let it be known throughout the Light Universe that the arch traitor Stanley Tweedle has been apprehended in a sting operation on the Celes pleasure transport. Let me confirm - the arch traitor Stanley Tweedle, who caused the destruction of more than one hundred of our Reform planets, has bee arrested. Grand Prosecutor Jihana is currently travelling to the Celes pleasure transport to provide the arch traitor with the swift justice he deserves. (raises hands) Hallowed be the memory of the Lost Souls
XEV: I think we have a problem
790: Actually, I think it's more of a solution!

(A crescent shaped silver ship approaches the Celes pleasure transport. Two guards greet the new arrivals - three guys, Nool, and the ever so evil woman Jihana)

GUARD: Welcome, Grand Prosecutor Jihana. Hallowed be the memory of -

(Jihana cuts the chanting short)

JIHANA: I want to see him
GUARD: Of course

(Xev is pacing in the cryochamber. Kai is already out of his cryopod)

XEV: We have to save him
KAI: Why?
XEV: Why? Because we have to, that's why
KAI: Is it right to save him if he is truly guilty of the crime with which he has been charged?
XEV: Oh, I don't believe that he did anything that incredibly bad. He couldn't have. He's too - ineffective. Stanley Tweedle never gets anything done
KAI: If he is innocent, then we will not need to save him. If he is guilty, then perhaps he should pay the price
XEV: Well, he is our friend Kai
KAI: Then I suggest that we attend his trial

(The guards show Jihana and her entourage into a room, where Stan is chained to a cross X)

JIHANA: Are you Stanley Tweedle?
STAN: Who are you?
JIHANA: More importantly, who are you? Are you Stanley Tweedle or are you not?
STAN: What am I doing here?
JIHANA: Let's start again. I ask questions - you answer them. Very simple. Now, tell me - are you Stanley Tweedle?
STAN: I am. Stanley Tweedle, captain of the Lexx
JIHANA: I have been waiting such a long time to meet you in the flesh
STAN: I demand that I be freed immediately, or else -
JIHANA: Or else what, arch traitor?
STAN: Or else, um - my friends onboard the Lexx will destroy this vessel, and, er -
JIHANA: (laughs) I don't think so. Your friends, Xev and Kai, have been in communication with us and have requested to be guests at your trial
STAN: My what?!
JIHANA: Your trial. On behalf of the Committee for Justice for the Lost Souls, I hereby place you formally under arrest for the murder of 685 billion, 304 million people

(Everyone raises their hands)

ALL: Hallowed be the memory of the Lost Souls

(Another moth flies to the Celes pleasure transport. The door rolls back and Xev and Kai enter. They are greeted by two guards armed with blackpacks - and an alarm which sounds like a screaming woman)

GUARDS: Intruders!
KAI: We have been invited

(Jihana arrives and stops the guards)

JIHANA: Gentlemen! Thank you for your loyalty, but these two are my guests. Thank you, and -

(Jihana motions for them to switch off the alarm, and the guards leave)

JIHANA: The company forces are made up entirely from those who lost relatives on the Reform planets. They have dedicated their lives to bringing Stanley Tweedle to justice. You must appreciate their sensitivity

(Jihana tries to take Xev's arm, but Xev's having none of it)

JIHANA: Tell me, what brought you together with Stanley Tweedle? on the -
KAI: The Lexx
XEV: We have nothing to say
KAI: We escaped together from the Cluster before it was destroyed
JIHANA: Did you know Stanley Tweedle before that time?
KAI: No, I was not aware of him. In fact, until very recently I was not aware of anything
JIHANA: Nice to meet you. I must prepare

(In another room, Jihana looks at her necklace. The pendant is a nasty looking bat like thing. The four men who arrived with her are sitting at a table nearby)

JIHANA: Nool - you will defend Stanley Tweedle to the best of your ability
NOOL: Grand Prosecutor Jihana - you ask the impossible. How can I in all conscience defend a man who I know - who we all know - is unquestionably guilty of this most terrible of crimes?
JIHANA: The accused must have a proper defence. You must commit yourself to the possibility of his innocence
NOOL: You're asking me to subvert the truth

(One of the men laughs at this. Jihana pushes his head down into a book)

JIHANA: I'm asking you to discharge your duty as the legal representative for the defence of the accused. I believe you have a promising future, Nool. Will you accept the challenge?

(Jihana strokes Nool's face with her long blue nails)

NOOL: Of course, Grand Prosecutor Jihana. If you request

(Guards wheel Stanley out of the room)

STAN: What are you doing? Where are you taking me?

(Xev and Kai walk into the room Stan first arrived in, and sit on some comfy chairs. Jihana, Nool and the others arrive. The woman's face disappears from the dome, to be replaced with the justice logo)

XEV: I don't like courtrooms
KAI: Presumably the scales of justice have shifted since you were tried by the Divine Order for failing to perform your wifely duties
XEV: Yeah? I'll believe it when I see it

(Stan is wheeled in. Xev stands up)

XEV: Stan!
STAN: Xev, Kai, help me, they -
VOICE: Silence!

(Kai makes Xev sit down. Nool walks over to Stan)

NOOL: Hello, I'm Public Defender Nool, I'll defend you as best I can
STAN: Hello
ALL: Hallowed be the memory of the Lost Souls
VOICE: Judge Pendelbron? presiding. All rise

(Everyone stands. The image of the judge appears on the dome)

JUDGE: This court is hereby convened by the Committee of justice for the victims of the 94 Reform planets. There are potentially two phases to this trial. In the first phase we will determine whether Stanley Tweedle is guilty, or not guilty, of the crimes with which he has been charged. If the facts show him to be guilty, the second phase of the trial will be to determine the nature of his punishment
VOICE: Please be seated

(Everyone sits)

XEV: He's not guilty, not Stanley. He couldn't be!

(Jihana gets up, addresses the court and the judge)

JIHANA: Stanley H Tweedle. You are accused of causing certain amino acids which carried vital military data to fall under the control of the forces of His Shadow. As a result, those forces were able to launch a surprise attack and completely destroy the 100 defenceless Reform planets, with the loss of 685 billion souls. How do you plead?
NOOL: If you plead guilty, you can ask for the mercy of a quick and painless death
STAN: It was only 94 planets!
NOOL: Guilty or innocent
STAN: Six of the planets weren't Reform planets, they were allied but they weren't behind the shields
NOOL: 94 or 100, it doesn't matter. Guilty or innocent?
STAN: Not guilty!

(Nool walks to the centre of the floor to address the judge)

NOOL: Innocent, Your Honour

(Nool sits, Jihana takes the floor)

JIHANA: Stanley Tweedle may perjure himself with a claim of innocence but the real purpose of our presence here today is hardly to prove his guilt. It is well established that Stanley Tweedle's crime is the most terrible act of pure evil ever committed. We are really here to decide which punishment best fits that crime of crimes
STAN: I'm not guilty!
JUDGE: Silence!
XEV: This is not a fair trial, she's already decided that he's guilty
KAI: She does not decide, the judge decides. She is the prosecutor, it is her duty to persuade the judge that Stan is guilty
XEV: Well, she's doing a good job
JIHANA: I would also like to take this opportunity to thank the special forces of the committee who patiently staked out this Celes pleasure transport where Tweedle, most heinous criminal of all time, carried out his many sexual perversions
STAN: Yeah, I wish!
JUDGE: One more outburst from the accused, and he shall be removed from court
JIHANA: Let us go back ten years ago to that fateful day where it all began, right here, on this very spot

(She presses a button, and a wall screen shows a picture of Stan in his courier uniform)

JIHANA: At that time the accused was an assistant deputy back-up courier for the Ostral B heretics who were rendezvousing with other brave heretics, struggling against the forces of His Shadow. (screen shows a ship, His Shadow) Stanley Tweedle's job was simply to carry a third back-up copy of amino acids, containing codes that allowed friendly ships to pass through the Reform planets defensive shield without being destroyed. These amino acids were hidden in a capsule in one of the arch traitor's teeth. Let us play the security image recorder on the Celes pleasure transport that fateful day

(The screen shows a black and white recording of Stan - wearing a very silly hat)

STAN: What have I got to trade? (laughs) Lots! Sixteen oxygen cylinders. I've got an extra uniform just like this one, and a ship's navigation system - slightly damaged
VOICE: Unacceptable
STAN: Unacceptable? It's my only other uniform, it's in perfect condition, and ship navigators are hard to come by
VOICE: Sorry, those items are unacceptable. What else do you have to trade?
STAN: Look lady, I'm on an important mission. I'm a hero, you should give me a discount
VOICE: Information has value. It can be traded. What is your mission?
STAN: My mission? Er - it's secret, but it's very important. I wish I could tell you, but I can't
VOICE: In order to gain access to the Celes pleasure transport, you must provide us with something of value
STAN: I'm an Ostral B heretic! I'm on an important secret mission, and that's all I can say!
VOICE: What rank are you?
STAN: Assistant back-up courier
VOICE: Welcome aboard the Celes pleasure transport, assistant deputy back-up courier Stanley Tweedle. We have a special place in our hearts for Ostral B
STAN: (laughs) All right!

(In the courtroom, Stan closes his eyes. Jihana stops the recording. Stan sighs)

JIHANA: Let the record show that Stanley Tweedle's indiscriminate tongue helped the forces of His Divine Shadow to pinpoint the exact location of the Ostral B heretics - and all for what, Stanley Tweedle? Was your little moment of perverse enjoyment worth the lives of 600 billion people?

(Nool walks in front of the screen)

NOOL: The Grand Prosecutor offers no specific proof that it was Stanley Tweedle who led the forces of His Shadow back to the Ostral B heretics. I submit, that we do not know for certain that this was the case
JUDGE: Duly noted

(Nool leaves, and Jihana continues)

JIHANA: After effectively identifying himself and his mission, the arch traitor returned directly to the Ostral B rendezvous, leading the enemy home
STAN: I did not identify my mission!
NOOL: The Grand Prosecutor offers no specific evidence that the arch traitor led the enemy home
JIHANA: Your Honour, I would like to present that evidence now
JUDGE: Proceed
JIHANA: Let us turn to the final agonising moments on the Ostral B base, using images reconstructed from data recorders from the destroyed Ostral B vessels, as well as from the Tweedle shuttle craft
VOICE: Grand Prosecutor, this is Stanley Tweedle returning from the Celes pleasure transport

(His ship approaches some asteroids. The view screen shows a guard)

GUARD: Vessel approaching at 3 quadrant, identify yourself
STAN: It's me, assistant deputy backup courier Stanley Tweedle
GUARD: All vessels to battle stations! League intruder approaching in 3 quadrant
STAN: No, it's me, Stanley Tweedle, assistant deputy backup courier. I was just visiting the Celes pleasure transport -

(Shots fire at Stanley - or rather, past him. He turns on a screen to see the MegaShadow behind him)

VOICE: And here you see His Shadow's ship, the MegaShadow, which clearly followed Stanley Tweedle to the Ostral B base

STAN: Divine Shadow upon me!

(He steers his ship out of the line of fire, just before the MegaShadow vaporises the base he was heading for - leaving him with nowhere to go)

(Jihana stops the recording)

JIHANA: Let the record show that the defendant Stanley Tweedle led the forces of His Shadow directly to the Ostral B station and is therefore responsible for their deaths

(Jihana sits down. Nool steps up)

NOOL: Your Honour - we know that the MegaShadow appeared suddenly and destroyed the Ostral B station just as the accused returned, but - it could have already been underway. We can only speculate as to the cause, and without actual proof, Your Honour, and with all respect, these accusations on the part of the Grand Prosecutor are merely conjectural and do not carry the weight of certainty
STAN: Yeah

(Nool sits down, Jihana gets up)

JIHANA: Admit you led them in, arch traitor! Admit what we all know to be the truth

(Xev jumps up)

XEV: He didn't lead them in!
JUDGE: We will have silence and respect from the gallery
XEV: I know Stanley, and he would not do that
JUDGE: Silence!

(The judge bangs his gavel. Xev sits down)

JIHANA: I will soon more directly prove the arch traitor's guilt - which I would like to continue to do, after a short recess?
JUDGE: Recess granted

(The image of the judge fades. Xev gets up and goes to Stan, but the guards keep her back)

XEV: Stanley, is there anything we can do for you?
STAN: Get me outta here!
KAI: Stanley, we cannot interfere with the cause of justice, well served
STAN: Somebody help me!
XEV: You're innocent, Stan, I know that
STAN: I am! I am innocent!

(Stan is wheeled away. The image of the woman reappears on the dome)

WOMAN: Welcome. This is the famous Celes pleasure transport, cruising the universe to make your day a lovelier one

(Jihana is having her foot massaged by a Celes woman, Lissha, while the four men sit nearby, drinking)

JIHANA: I thought you were smart, Nool. Sometimes people who are too smart are actually very stupid
NOOL: I don't understand
JIHANA: You seem to have developed the peculiar notion that the arch traitor is innocent and should be set free - or perhaps, forgiven for his little transgression
NOOL: I don't personally doubt his guilt, Jihana but, I'm discharging my duty to defend him, just as you requested
JIHANA: Do you know why I came all the way out here to prosecute this most simple of all cases personally, Nool?
NOOL: No
JIHANA: I wanna kill him myself. I wanna be the one who sees the light go out in his eyes

(Jihana looks at the others, and laughs. Nool looks uncomfortable. Jihana walks over to him)

JIHANA: You know why? Because it turns me on. Does it shock you? You're doing a fine job, Nool - but you are fired
NOOL: What?
JIHANA: I cannot work with someone who's too stupid to see the fine line that needs to be tread. In order to be successful, you have to be astute enough to get the climate around you to anticipate my wishes. You're not cut out for this line of work
NOOL: Grand Prosecutor, I -
JIHANA: You will be leaving. Thank you, Nool

(Nool leaves the room. Jihana puts her arm around Lissha)

JIHANA: Now, I assume His Shadow paid you well for the information you got from Stanley Tweedle?
LISSHA: That isn't true. We only let Tweedle in because he was a heretic
JIHANA: Lissha, I want you to satisfy me. Will you do that?
LISSHA: OK. If you like

(Lissha clearly isn't happy. Jihana puts one hand at the side of Lissha's head. With her other hand, she holds up her necklace. A spike flicks out - which she then plunges into the side of Lissha's head. Jihana holds Lissha's head and looks into her eyes as she dies, then lets her body fall)

JIHANA: That will keep me going for a while

(Jihana walks over to the men)

JIHANA: She was a whore, without citizenship, and has no rights. Any problems?

(All the men just shake their heads)

(Stan is alone in his cell)

STAN: It's just not - it's not - I'm innocent! I'm innocent!

(In the courtroom again. Xev and Kai sit down, to see Stan is alone)

XEV: What's going on? Where's the defender?
KAI: I do not know

(The image of the judge appears, and everyone stands)

JUDGE: Hallowed be the memory of the Lost Souls
ALL: Hallowed be the memory of the Lost Souls
JUDGE: Where is the defendant's representative?
JIHANA: He has withdrawn from the case, Your Honour, claiming that his conscience could not allow him to defend a man whose guilt is so certain
JUDGE: Who will represent him in defence?
JIHANA: He seems inclined to want to speak for himself. That's perfectly acceptable to me
JUDGE: This is highly unusual. I will have to -
KAI: Your Honour

(Kai gets up and takes the floor)

KAI: I request the court's permission to represent Stanley Tweedle in his defence
JUDGE: And you are?
KAI: I am Kai
JIHANA: I have no objections
JUDGE: Permission granted. You may proceed

(Kai goes and stands next to Stan)

JIHANA: Memory probe, please

(The guards strap a mask on Stan. It does not look comfortable)

JIHANA: His shuttle drifted aimlessly in space, calling for help. Again, we will refer to recordings recovered from the defendant's shuttle craft. To this, we will add the memory probe evidence, which no-one has ever seen, because we will only now extract it from the defendant's brain

(Jihana presses a button - the memory probe is obviously painful for Stan. His memories appear on screen)

STAN: Ostral B heretics, please come in. This is assistant deputy backup courier Stanley Tweedle. I'm low on air and awaiting instructions. Ostral B heretics please come in. This is assistant deputy backup courier Stanley Tweedle awaiting instructions

(Feppo's face appears on his view screen)

FEPPO: This is SubCom Feppo, Ostral B Sector 245 command. Tell us where you are, Stanley Tweedle, and we'll come and say hello
STAN: I'm transmitting my co-ordinates - Can't you tell where I am by my signal, SubCom Feppo?
FEPPO: Your direct signal is too weak. We are reconstructing reflections
STAN: How do I know you're the real thing?
FEPPO: Who else would be way out here scanning low power signals?
STAN: Mercenaries
FEPPO: (laughs) Suffocation is not exactly a nice way to die. Tell me Stanley, how often do ships normally pass this way? And aren't we both transmitting on an encrypted stream I didn't know any mercenaries had access to?
STAN: OK, I buy that
FEPPO: Thank you, Stanley Tweedle. And Stanley?
STAN: Yes, SubCom Feppo?
FEPPO: How do you spell sucker?

(In the shuttle, Stan realises he's in big trouble)

(Jihana presses a button, and the images stops. The guards remove Stan's mask)

JIHANA: This was the precise moment that the arch traitor Stanley Tweedle committed the most serious crime, delivering a death sentence on the entire population of the Reform planets. Stanley Tweedle had enough time to destroy himself and his shuttle, before the Sub-Nebulae mercenaries could reach him. He could have ended one life, and saved 600 billion. He could have been a hero, and died for the great cause. But he did not make that choice. He chose the coward's route. What happened next is well known. The Sub-Nebulaes captured and sold the accused and his codes to the Divine Order. A few weeks later, the Reform planets were destroyed. Stanley Tweedle, do the images just shown accurately reflect events that led to the loss of acid codes in your tooth?

(Stan doesn't even try to deny it)

STAN: Yes
JIHANA: I rest my case

(Jihana sits down and Kai takes the floor)

KAI: Your Honour, may I question the accused?
JUDGE: You may proceed
KAI: Do you have anything to add, Stan?
STAN: Well, I wanted to blow up the shuttle, I did, but, I - I couldn't do it. I was afraid to die. I mean, I wanted to, but I couldn't, and I'm sorry if I caused anything to happen to the Reform planets
KAI: Why were you made a security guard on the Cluster?
STAN: They wanted to keep me alive for a while in case they ever needed more information. And then I think - the system just kinda forgot about me
KAI: Did you ever meet His Divine Shadow?
STAN: Yes! After we stole the Lexx, His Divine Shadow came onboard, and, and, we followed you to the P Chamber and you started to kill the brains of the Divine Predecessors, and then His Divine Shadow tried to kill you, so me and Zev started to destroy the brains, and that distracted His Shadow and, and you killed him!
KAI: So you helped kill His Shadow
STAN: I did. I helped kill His Divine Shadow. And I'm glad I did, because it was His Divine Shadow that really killed the Ostral B and all the people on the Reform planets - and there were only 94 planets, not 100!
KAI: But you do admit that you are guilty of letting the codes fall into the hands of mercenaries, who sold them to His Shadow?

(Stan has to admit that this is true)

STAN: Yes. I can finally say it too. I, I should have blown myself up, I wish I had, but I didn't. And I've had to live with that all this time. But I didn't kill anyone
KAI: Your Honour, Stanley Tweedle admits that he committed the crime of letting the codes fall into the hands of the Divine Order. But I also ask that you take into consideration the fact that he played a crucial role in helping to end the rule of His Divine Shadow. He should be shown the mercy that befits... a tainted hero. The defence rests

(Stan smiles)

JUDGE: I will render my decision after a short recess

(The judge disappears. Kai and Xev go to Stan)

STAN: Kai, thank you. And Xev. No-one's ever stood up like that for me before, never in my whole life
KAI: You're welcome, Stanley
XEV: Oh, Stan
STAN: What do we do now?
KAI: We wait for the decision. It could take time

(No, it doesn't. The judge reappears almost immediately)

JUDGE: Stanley Tweedle, you have been found guilty of the murder of 685 billion souls. Your sentence shall be passed after you have had a few moments to consult your legal representative

(Jihana walks over to the Lexx crew to share the happy news)

JIHANA: You should know, that the minimum punishment for murder, is death

(Kai steps up next to Stan)

KAI: Stanley, you must request the mercy of a quick and painless death
STAN: But I don't wanna die at all
XEV: Kai?
KAI: He has been found guilty, Xev
XEV: I don't care, we have to get him out of here!
KAI: that would be wrong. I cannot do it. I'm sorry Stan

(Nool is walking along a corridor, and sees two guards wheeling a canister)

NOOL: What's this?
GUARDS: Nerve bore worms. The Grand Prosecutor ordered them, for the execution of the arch traitor

(Nool looks shocked)

JUDGE: This court will now contemplate the nature of your punishment, Stanley Tweedle
KAI: The defence requests that Stanley Tweedle be shown mercy, your honour, and that he be allowed the dignity of a quick and painless death
JIHANA: The prosecution requests that the arch traitor be given the ultimate punishment for the ultimate treason - that he be subjected to the nerve bore worm treatment. These worms will keep him alive, but in excruciating pain until they have extracted every bit of nutrient from his flesh
STAN: No!
JUDGE: Silence!

(Kai steps up beside Jihana - for once, the dead seem surprisingly passionate)

KAI: Your Honour - the prisoner's heroic actions in defeating His Shadow merit some mercy from this court
JIHANA: His actions, Your Honour, deserve a punishment far more painful than nerve bore worms - but unfortunately, one does not exist
KAI: Stanley Tweedle deserves to be punished, but sentencing him to be tortured is an act of vengeance, not justice, an act of pure barbarism
JIHANA: Were the 600 billion shown mercy?
KAI: Inflicting more pain insults the lost souls. As they are all dead, it cannot be argued that they would get any satisfaction from his torture
JIHANA: How dare you speak for the dead!
KAI: I am well qualified to speak for the dead. Your Honour, I ask the court to rise above the emotion of vengeance, and to display the virtue of compassion
JIHANA: Your Honour, the scale of the crime demands an equivalent punishment
JUDGE: Stanley Tweedle, by the powers vested in me by this court I hereby sentence you, to a quick and painless death, by the most expedient means available

(Stan looks defeated, terrified. Xev is choking back tears)

JIHANA: Your Honour, I request that I, Grand Prosecutor Jihana, be permitted to oversee the execution
JUDGE: Request granted
JIHANA: Thank you, Your Honour
JUDGE: This court is now adjourned. Hallowed be the memory of the Lost Souls
ALL: Hallowed be the memory of the Lost Souls
JIHANA: Congratulations

(The guards wheel Stan away. Xev rushes after him)

XEV: Stan -
STAN: I don't wanna die!
KAI: Goodbye, Stanley
XEV: Don't say that! We won't let you die Stanley

(Kai holds Xev back)

KAI: There is nothing more we can do Xev
XEV: No!

(Stan has been wheeled into a peep show booth. The canister of worms is there. Jihana raises the lid and looks at the worms, then pushes it over to Stan)

JIHANA: I'm excited. Wanna take a look?
STAN: But I'm supposed to get a quick and painless death, that's what the judge said
JIHANA: Life is full of surprises! Death, for example
STAN: You can't do this

(Jihana walks around him, touching him)

JIHANA: You know, in every society there are certain individuals who are different from normal - they could be colour blind, for instance, or have an enhanced sense of smell. Or they could get pleasure from the suffering of others. Certain tasks that others find unpleasant might have the opposite effect on them, and it could even help them in the advancement of their career. Death excites me, Stanley. It makes me feel a special tingle - know what I mean?

(Stan is squirming, trying to get away from her. Breathless, she rests her head on his chest)

JIHANA: No death has ever excited me as much as yours

(Xev and Kai are walking along a corridor)

XEV: No, we can't let him die!
KAI: It will be painless. He will feel nothing
XEV: But he doesn't deserve it

(Xev stands in front of Kai, stopping him)

KAI: It has been decided
XEV: Don't you have any feelings for Stan?
KAI: Only the living have feelings
XEV: Sure. And how are we going to fly the Lexx?
KAI: You will start a new life, that begins here
XEV: And what about you?
KAI: I have no future

(Kai carries on walking)

(Jihana speaks to the guards)

JIHANA: The man Kai and the woman Xev are accessories to the arch traitor. As citizenshipless drifters, they have no rights. I instruct you to kill them
GUARDS: We will kill them at once, Grand Prosecutor

(The guards leave)

STAN: But they didn't do anything!
JIHANA: Shh!

(She runs her claws down his chest)

JIHANA: Oh, I'm really tingling now

XEV: Stan is not an evil person
KAI: I know
GUARD: Halt!

(Guards come up behind them, and fire their blackpacks. Kai steps in front of Xev, absorbing the blast. His brace knocks the blackpacks away)

KAI: Why?
GUARD: The Grand Prosecutor has deemed you to be accomplices to the arch traitor
XEV: Oh, she has, has she?
KAI: Don't we get the benefit of a trial?

(Nool steps out from behind a curtain)

GUARD: You are citizenshipless drifters, and have no rights
KAI: This is not justice
NOOL: No, it's not. Jihana brought nerve bore worms - for Stanley

(Jihana is stirring the worms. Stan gulps nervously)

JIHANA: They eat their way slowly up every nerve in your body, digesting everything, but they always keep you alive, because they don't like to eat dead flesh. The last thing they eat is your brain, but that doesn't hurt, because that's when you finally die

(Jihana puts a clip on Stan's nose, closes the canister, attaches a tube to the top. The worms start moving along the tube)

JIHANA: It will take a few minutes for the nerve bore worms to reach you, Stanley

(Jihana holds the tube up to Stan's face)

JIHANA: I recommend that you stop breathing. I especially brought these along with me Stanley, just for you

(Xev and Kai look through a peephole. Stan tries to turn his head away from the tube)

JIHANA: Come on, arch traitor - down the hatch!

(Kai fires his brace through the door, cutting the tube. Xev frees Stan, while Kai grabs hold of Jihana's neck. She tires to attack him with her necklace, but he grabs her hand as well)

KAI: To move is to die. You understand?
JIHANA: His sentence will be carried out
KAI: Not anymore. You are not interested in justice, Jihana - only cruelty
JIHANA: You make the two sound incompatible!

(Jihana tries to claw at Kai's face)

STAN: Oh, I'm really really glad to see you guys. You gonna kill her?
KAI: Do you think that I should? I have no motivation to kill anyone. However, I will kill her if you request that I be the enforcer of justice
STAN: I think that she deserves - I mean, without a doubt, if anyone - being a grand prosecutor, she really, especially, deserves to get -

(Kai looks at Stan, but Stan can't bring himself to say it)

STAN: I don't know. Let's just go back to the Lexx
JIHANA: Weakling!

(She spits at Stan, who goes to punch her)

XEV: Ignore her, Stan. Let's go

(Stan and Xev leave, then Kai releases Jihana and follows them. The two moths fly back to the Lexx. They all go onto the bridge, Xev holding 790)

790: Guilty as charged. Guilty of the greatest crime ever committed. Guilty of interfering with perfect robot love. Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! (laughs)
STAN: Can you shut him up for a while?
XEV: Off - for a while!
790: I'll be thinking of you

(790 switches off. Stan is thinking)

STAN: You know, I've been living with it for all these years. Stanley Tweedle, arch traitor - murderer, coward, you name it. Felt kinda good to own up
XEV: You were brave

(She puts her arm around his neck)

STAN: Kai - would you really have killed Jihana if I said so?
KAI: I asked you if you wanted me to be the enforcer of justice. If you had said yes, I would have killed the Grand Prosecutor - and then, I would have killed you, Stanley. But, in both cases, it would have been quick and painless

(Stan looks very uneasy. He gets up on the pedestal, and looks at Kai)

STAN: Do you really mean that?
KAI: I have no motivation to lie

(Kai walks away. 790 switches himself back on)

790: A while is up!

(Stan activates the template)

STAN: OK Lexx - take us as far away from here as you can
LEXX: As you request, Stan

(The Lexx turns and flies away from the Celes pleasure transport. Jihana is sobbing in the courtroom. Nool comes in behind her)

JIHANA: How did they find out about the nerve bore worms?
NOOL: I told them
JIHANA: Why?
NOOL: Because, Grand Prosecutor, you are a truly evil woman
JIHANA: Thank you

(Nool hears something, and looks up. Loads of drone arms break through the dome, and devour the Celes pleasure transport, form the shape of the Divine Order icon, then fly away. Mantrid's machine flies after them)

© Filking Fairy