(The Lexx flies through space. Zev is in her bedchamber, singing mournfully)

ZEV: Yo A Yo, Hom Var Ray, Yo A Ra, Jerum Brunnen G
Yo A Yo, Hom Var Ray, Yo A Ra, Jerum Brunnen G
Yo A Ra, Jerum Brunnen G

(Stan is there, and starts to sing. Zev lies down)

STAN: You need a man, a red hot loving Stan
If you wanna be satisfied, I'm your guy, forget Kai

(790 joins in)

790: You need me, 790, I have the technology for thee, sweet pea
STAN: No, me

(Zev puts her hands over her ears)

790: Me
STAN: Me
790: Me! Why should she want you?
STAN: Because I'm a man, you're a can
790: You're a man? That's news
STAN: Well, you're a can - not news!
790: At least I can sing
STAN: So can I
790: Since when? You're not wanted here, leave!
STAN: You leave!
790: You!
STAN: You!
ZEV: I'm leaving

(Zev sits up and puts her boots on)

STAN: Where are you going?
790: Yes, where?
ZEV: To wake Kai
STAN: What for?
790: Yes, what for?
ZEV: To sing to, to talk to, I don't know
STAN: Zev, come on now. You know dead man only has a limited amount of -
ZEV: He has enough protoblood to last for months
STAN: Months fly by!
ZEV: And cryostasis gives him years

(Zev walks out)

STAN: Look, if you wanna sing gorgeous, sing to me!
790: Sing to me!

(The cryochamber. Zev and 790 watch as Stan pushes buttons)

ZEV: I know how to open his pod myself, you know
STAN: Yeah, but I'm almost certified. It's a delicate machine, you gotta have the touch
790: Exactly - so you're excluded. Stand aside and let me direct Zev
STAN: I know what I'm doing
790: Since when?
ZEV: Just open it
STAN: There

(The cryopod opens)

790: Not like that, you got the order all wrong

KAI: I kill you now in the name of His Divine Shadow

(Kai fires his brace into Stan's heart. Zev catches Stan as he falls)

ZEV: Stan!
790: Oh yeah!
ZEV: Kai!
KAI: We must freeze him, now

(Kai gets out of his cryopod, puts Stan inside, and goes over to the controls)

790: Wait - the key! He has to give up the key to the Lexx or we're helpless
KAI: That's true. It's up to you Zev. A living key must pass to a living creature

(Zev holds Stan's hand)

ZEV: Stanley? Give me the key
STAN: Captain Stan
ZEV: Stanley, I need it to save you, to save us all

(Zev holds up her hand)

STAN: You're cute
ZEV: Please Stan, please
STAN: I'm late for work - I gotta - I gotta -
ZEV: Come on, Stanley, surrender the key

(In desperation, she kisses him)

ZEV: Surrender the key to me
STAN: Oh yeah

(The key jumps to Zev's right hand, knocking her backwards. Kai closes the cryopod. Zev looks at her hand)

790: Isn't it wonderful how some days turn out?

(On the bridge. Zev stands on the pedestal as 790 looks at planets on the view screen)

790: I don't understand why you insist that I keep wasting countless hours executing your search. We should be celebrating!
ZEV: Just keep looking
790: As you wish, luscious dish
ZEV: The protein regenerator was able to repair Stan's hand before. Why wouldn't it work now?
KAI: Stan's heart is shattered. He would suffer brain death long before we could repair it
ZEV: That wasn't your fault, Kai. It was Stan's. He didn't work it right
KAI: I am aware of that
ZEV: You are not His Shadow's assassin anymore
KAI: Stan might disagree
ZEV: But you also saved his life many times - mine too
KAI: I have ended countless more lives than I have saved
ZEV: No, that wasn't you, that was His Shadow controlling you
790: Ah! Ugh!
ZEV: What?
790: Horrible news
ZEV: What?
790: There's hope for Tweedle

(On view screen, a picture of MedSat. A woman's voice gives the sales pitch)

This is MedSat medical terminal, proud home of the finest physicians in the Quadra system. If it's broken, we can mend it. If it's bleeding, we can stem it. If it's spreading, we can halt it. If it's sagging we can lift it. MedSat - where medicine is at. Professional. Affordable. Receiving patients now
790: Will that do?

(Zev activates the template)

ZEV: Lexx - set course for that satellite
LEXX: As you request, captain

(MedSat, in front of a red moon)

ZEV: MedSat medical terminal, this is Zev of B3K. I'm acting captain of the space vessel Lexx. We've an emergency with one of our crew, and we need to bring him aboard

(A receptionist appears on the view screen)

GIRL: What is the nature of your medical emergency?
ZEV: Our captain has had his heart badly punctured
GIRL: One moment please

(Screen goes blank, then she returns)

GIRL: Do you have a Q4A5 planet insurance waiver?
ZEV: No
GIRL: A D class standard waiver?
ZEV: Sorry
GIRL: Any waivers of any kind?
ZEV: No
GIRL: Then cash will be fine
ZEV: Pardon?
GIRL: Precious metals or bankable equivalent
ZEV: We have no precious metals or bankable anything
GIRL: Then your situation becomes a class 1313
ZEV: What's that?
GIRL: Ignored
ZEV: You can't do that
GIRL: I'm afraid I have no choice. Policy is policy
KAI: We will pay you, later
GIRL: I'm sorry, MedSat does not accept credit

(Zev gets down from the pedestal)

ZEV: This is an emergency
GIRL: I understand. Please inform the next person to appear on the screen
ZEV: Hey, lady - watch

(Zev gets back on the pedestal, and activates the template)

ZEV: Lexx - blow up that little red moon we just passed
LEXX: As you command, captain

(Lexx powers up - and blasts the red moon behind MedSat. The girl disappears and is replaced by a doctor)

FLAG: I'm Dr Flag, chief administrator of this facility. I understand that you have a medical problem?
ZEV: And a money problem
FLAG: (laughs) We aren't the sort to get hung up over money, when a person's life hangs in the balance. How can we help?

(Moth flies to MedSat. Inside Stan is on a hovering stretcher, surrounded by nurses. Zev and Kai, with 790, following)

FLAG: Once again I apologise for your initial reception. Our primary responsibility is to help people in need, regardless of their financial situation. Anyway, I am pleased to inform you that your captain has been assigned to a top surgeon, the very eminent -
KAZAN: Dr Kazan, at your service. Let me add my voice to the criticism of your rude welcome. I promise you that the quality of surgery here on MedSat is better than the administration. They sometimes forget that (shouts) - human lives are at stake!
What caused the injury?
KAI: I punctured him - with this

(He shows the doctor his brace)

ZEV: It was an accident
790: A beautiful, wonderful accident
FLAG: We'll fix him up, as good as new
790: Don't knock yourself out
ZEV: Quiet!
KAZAN: My team is the best of the best, but this looks like no mere cardial rupture. His heart has been pulverised. I won't feed you any promises but - what would we be if we didn't try. Let's go people

(The nurses take Stan away. Dr Kazan puts on a surgical gown)

KAZAN: Let's get to work

(The doctors examine Stan. Zev, Kai and 790 watch from a gallery)

ZEV: Dr Kazan seems to know exactly what he is doing
790: Ha - if he knew what he was doing, he would promptly kill Tweedle and then himself
ZEV: Maybe I should get you rewired while we're here
790: I only say these things because I'm crazy about you

(Zev has a nap while Kai watches the operation. The doctors - Kazan, Funz and Veezra - take Stan's heart out, put it in a jar, then place it in a machine, which regenerates it. Kazan puts the heart back in Stan's chest)

VEEZRA: He must be some kind of warrior. Those clothes, that hair
KAZAN: That weapon
FUNZ: There's no question that he's potentially dangerous - beautiful incision, doctor
KAZAN: And yet he's strangely benign
FUNZ: Curious
KAZAN: Very curious

(Blood spurts onto his face)

KAZAN: Cauterise that artery, please

(Zev wakes up and stands next to Kai, watches Dr Kazan seal the incision)

KAZAN: Splendidly done, doctors

(He makes a thumbs up sign at Zev and Kai. Zev hugs Kai, and kisses him)

790: The dream is over

(Stan's stretcher comes out of the operating theatre. Nurses hook it up to the wall, and cover Stan with a transparent plastic wrap. Zev and Kai talk to the doctors)

FUNZ: I have to admit it was touch and go there for a while, but there is no reason your captain shouldn't make a full recovery
ZEV: Thank you Dr Funz, Dr Veezra

(Zev shakes hands with them, so does Kai)

FUNZ: Good luck then
KAI: Thank you
FUNZ: Good luck
KAI: Thank you

(Funz and Veezra leave)

KAZAN: It will be some time before he wakes, as much as a day or two. We have some rooms available, if you -
KAI: Thank you, but I will stay here with Stanley
KAZAN: As you wish. Then perhaps some food would be in order
KAI: I do not eat
KAZAN: How about you, Zev? Would you care to join me for dinner?
ZEV: Oh, I'd like that
790: Let's go then
ZEV: You are not going anywhere - you don't eat either
790: But darling -

(Zev hands 790 to Kai)

ZEV: No, you're going to stay here with Kai. Stan needs you
790: You need me, to save you from that shifty hack of a physician!

(Zev and Dr Kazan leave)

790: So heartless. So cruel. So delicious

(In a corridor, Zev and Dr Kazan met Mrs Deebee, an old lady in a hover chair)

DEEBEE: Dr Kazan! Dr Kazan! Dr Kazan, did you hear? It's official. I've made a complete recovery
KAZAN: That's excellent news Mrs Deebee
DEEBEE: My tumour's gone. My pains are gone and I've got the rest of my life back. And all because of you KAZAN: I'm only one member of a highly dedicated team, Mrs Deebee
DEEBEE: Doctor, I am dedicated to you

(She winks at Zev)

DEEBEE: Isn't he just so good looking? (blows a kiss) Thank you

(Mrs Deebee leaves. Zev takes Dr Kazan's arm)

ZEV: Shall we?

(They take a booth in some sort of restaurant, and have blue drinks)

KAZAN: The gallant crew of the Lexx. I have to say that I feel rather ordinary next to you. To Zev. May your every wish be realised
ZEV: I - wish to be kissed

(They kiss)

KAZAN: Show me that trick you do with your hand again
ZEV: I can do many tricks with my hand

(Dr Kazan looks at her hand)

KAZAN: How exactly did Stan pass it to you?
ZEV: I don't know, he transferred it to me as he was dying

(Dr Kazan strokes Zev's hand)

KAZAN: Was it automatic, or did it require an act of will on his part?
ZEV: I don't know. I really don't know how it works
KAZAN: A beam of energy locked inside your body - mysterious, alluring, powerful - very much like you

(He kisses her hand)

ZEV: Go on
KAZAN: You have a force, a burning vitality. I know you. It sounds crazy, but I do. You wear your destiny on your skin. You're one of the chosen
ZEV: I wouldn't go that far
KAZAN: Zev - where do you see yourself in five years?
ZEV: I don't know - maybe on a nice planet I can call home, with someone special

(They kiss again, then he pulls back)

ZEV: What's wrong?
KAZAN: I can't do this, not with you. I shouldn't have seduced you into accepting what you already know. I lied, Zev. I'm not ordinary. Not next to you, not next to anybody. What I really feel is that you are my equal. You and me, Zev, are meant to be partners in greatness. Your home will not be a hut on some swampy outback planet -
ZEV: That's not what I had in mind
KAZAN: - your home will be the entire universe, aboard the starship Lexx, with me at your side
ZEV: You want to join the crew?
KAZAN: We'll be the crew - you and me
ZEV: What about the others?
KAZAN: Leave them behind
ZEV: I can't, not just like that
KAZAN: Be bold, Zev, don't compromise yourself for sentiment. Together we can own the universe. You know this is what you want. You are one of the chosen, we both are. Seize your fate
ZEV: Can't we just have sex instead?
KAZAN: Look - I need you. You need me. We will make a great team. But if you insist on making a foolish choice, to stay with the others -
ZEV: What is so foolish about it?
KAZAN: Stan is weak and pathetic. Kai is an undead freak of science, and the robot is a cartoon!
ZEV: Who do you think you are?!
KAZAN: Forgive me my darling. I've offended you. It's just that I - I so hoped this next step would be unnecessary

(He injects something into Zev's back. She pulls it out, looks at it, then passes out. Dr Kazan speaks into a communicator)

KAZAN: Kazan here. We're away. Be careful

(Kai and 790 are sitting by Stan's bed)

790: It couldn't be simpler. Take me to Zev, come back, and Stan will still be here
KAI: Zev wants to be alone
790: No, she only thinks she wants to be alone - what was that?
KAI: What was what?
790: I heard something

(Kai stands up, as gas fills the room)

790: Ah! What's that? It's - Zev! Zev!

(790 makes choking noises. The doors open and two people enter, wearing protective suits)

790: Zev! Zev!

(They tap on Kai's forehead, wave a hand in front of his eyes - the gas has frozen him solid. The people throw 790 into a bin, then take Kai away)

(Zev is strapped to a medical bed, drowsily singing)

ZEV: Yo A O, Hom Var Ray

(The three doctors look down at her)

ZEV: Hi there. Yo A Ra
KAZAN: Everything we want. Anytime we want it
FUNZ: Name it
VEEZRA: Dream it
KAZAN: Take it
FUNZ: Status
KAZAN: Money
VEEZRA: A place beyond money
KAZAN: Power
FUNZ: Raw and unlimited
KAZAN: And nothing else matters
VEEZRA: First thing we learned in medical school
FUNZ: We've even got matching tattoos!

(They have, on their wrists)

ZEV: Tattoo?

(They move their arms away, revealing some nasty looking probes)

FUNZ: We suspect the key can be released as an act of will. We know it can be released at the point of death. And as doctors, we know that the will can be broken at the point of death. So, better to offer us the key, if you can. Should we have to go in there and try to get it, things could get ugly
ZEV: I used to be ugly
VEEZRA: None of us wants that
KAZAN: The risks are enormous. Why die for those ridiculous characters you call a crew? We're your friends. They're your handicap
ZEV: My friends?
FUNZ: Ah, it could be so special. Good luck

(Veezra kisses her. The doctors walk away. Everything goes dark)

ZEV: Bye bye - ah!

(Someone has taken a blood sample from her)

ZEV: You're welcome
KAZAN: We're ready. Are you?

(A probe is lowered down - then Mrs Deebee comes in)

DEEBEE: Dr Kazan! Dr Kazan! Dr Kazan! Dr Kazan, I've looked everywhere for you
ZEV: Help me. Help me
DEEBEE: My dear, relax, you've got all the help you need with our Dr Kazan. Doctor, they are releasing me tomorrow, but I do not want to leave without thanking you again. I owe you my life, doctor
KAZAN: What you owe me, you insipid old cow, is a fortune in bills, so trade in your gratitude for some cash
DEEBEE: But doctor, really -
KAZAN: And here's the best part - there was never anything wrong with you, not a thing. You never had a tumour. We went in, poked around, messed things up a little to ensure your speedy return, emptied your purse and sewed you shut
DEEBEE: What? I didn't have a tumour?
KAZAN: Mrs Deebee - you are a tumour

(He kicks her chair away and she floats off into space)

KAZAN: Last chance, Zev. Close your eyes, concentrate and surrender to me
ZEV: No
KAZAN: The hand that heals becomes the hand that steals. Let's start with an artery probe

(Zev screams)

(Elsewhere, Funz and Veezra are experimenting on a piece of Kai's flesh)

FUNZ: Look how quickly his flesh reconstitutes - fascinating
VEEZRA: Perhaps we could dissolve it in acid
FUNZ: A brilliant idea, from a brilliant woman

(Veezra pours acid on the sample of flesh. Kai is held in a tube by metal bands. Funz activates a close up hologram of Kai's head)

FUNZ: Do you hear me, sir?
KAI: Yes, I can hear you
FUNZ: I have to say, you are hard to kill
KAI: That has not always been the case
FUNZ: So, the question is - how do we kill you?
KAI: The answer is, I am already dead - as you soon may be
VEEZRA: I'll bet you're feeling a little angry right now
KAI: Feelings don't enter into it
FUNZ: You should be thanking us for our efforts. For a creature like yourself, eternal peace would be a blessing
KAI: On some other occasion, perhaps
VEEZRA: The acid didn't work. Why don't we just keep him frozen?
FUNZ: Because if he ever thaws out, he will certainly come after us - won't you, my friend?
KAI: Yes I will
VEEZRA: We can blow up MedSat with him on it when we leave
FUNZ: That won't stop you, will it?
KAI: No
FUNZ: Besides, I can't resist the challenge. It seems clear that you will be able to rematerialise unless we break you down into subatomic particles. Our satellite drive is powered by a plasma beam from the ion furnace. I'm going to redirect that beam right into your face. What do you think of my plan, dead man?
KAI: Fire away
VEEZRA: Your plan might break up MedSat too
FUNZ: Not if I'm smart - which of course, I am

(Back to Zev - her hand has been strapped into an upright position)

KAZAN: I used to believe that the doctor thing was selfless and noble. I would say "What would we be, if we didn't try?" and actually mean it - then it just became a line. Guaranteed panty remover. It worked on you. Of course, being a love slave your panties aren't exactly glued on, are they? What I do is not noble, Zev, far from it. But I do beautiful work. Perfect work, on undeserving losers
ZEV: Poor you
KAZAN: Patients are wallets, wallets with entrails, and I reach my hands down into those greasy guts and stitch them up - for what? Little dribs and drabs of money. But not any longer, because I will have the Lexx
ZEV: At least you're honest
KAZAN: Honest, young, gifted and gorgeous! We don't have to do this, Zev. Let me have the key
ZEV: Never!

(He gives her an injection. His assistant Berg is looking at a holodisplay)

BERG: Dr Kazan - I think maybe you should hold off on the juice
KAZAN: Excuse me?
BERG: There's something about her DNA that's a little - unfamiliar
KAZAN: She's got the key to the Lexx buried in it
BERG: Maybe, but that's not what I mean. I need more time to analyse her cell structure
KAZAN: You don't have it
BERG: I'm telling you that there are some truly abnormal elements
KAZAN: So figure them out, that's your job

(He injects some green stuff into Zev)

ZEV: I'm keeping the key
KAZAN: We'll see about that. This will sting a bit - a lot, actually

(Electricity crackles through her)

(790 reboots, spouting gibberish)

790: Wake up Tweedle, wake up! Guh! Wake up, Tweedle, wake up - Yes!

(790 finally gets the lights to start up on Stan's stretcher/bed. It starts to move)

790: Come on!

(Zev is in convulsions)

KAZAN: Vital signs?
ASST: 20% - 18% - 12% - 8% -
KAZAN: More
ASST: 5% - 3%
KAZAN: More
ASST: She'll die!
KAZAN: Die? Maybe. Obey - certainly. Give it up Zev. More
ASST: 2% - 1 %

(Zev doesn't look at all well)

ASST: She's at the point of death

(Dr Kazan holds up his hand. Zev's hand is glowing now)

KAZAN: Well, well - I knew it

(The key starts to transfer)

KAZAN: That's right, that's right, come to papa, looking good
BERG: Oh my - um, doctor?
KAZAN: Not now, Berg
BERG: Excuse me, but I insist that -
KAZAN: I said not now, Berg. I win - again
BERG: Doctor - she's not entirely human
KAZAN: I can't hear you, Berg

(Berg comes over to the bed)

BERG: She's not all human
KAZAN: Not human? What the hell is she then?
BERG: Some kind of reptile
KAZAN: A reptile?

(The key suddenly shoots back into Zev's hand. Her skin starts to become scaly, and she transforms into a Cluster lizard. Everyone runs. The lizard rolls off the bed, screams, and kills Berg. Kazan watches, terrified. The lizard rolls away into the darkness. Kazan emerges from hiding, then hears something drip behind him. He turns to see the lizard looming over him)

KAZAN: I saved your captain. I saved him. I know where Kai is. If you kill me now, you don't know where to find him

(The lizard seems unimpressed)

KAZAN: I'm too beautiful to die!

(No, he isn't)

(Stan wakes up, to find he is on a bed being steered through corridors by 790)

790: Zev! Zev, where are you, Zev?
STAN: Huh?
790: It wakes
STAN: Where am I?
790: MedSat medical terminal
STAN: MedSat? What is this stuff?

(Stan pulls at the plastic wrap covering him)

790: The doctors who healed you have taken Zev. We have to find her!

(Stan manages to pull the wrap off, and throws it onto 790)

790: The wrap!
STAN: What's the matter with this thing?
790: Get the wrap off my eyes, I'm losing control!

(The bed changes direction, heading for some medical staff in the corridor)

STAN: We're gonna hit 'em, do something!

(He throws the wrap away. 790 dodges the people - then they see the lizard. It unrolls, rears up at the foot of the bed, and hisses.)

STAN: Aah! Eat the robot!
790: Zev! Is it you?
STAN: Zev?
790: I told you that doctor was a quack

(The lizard rolls away)

STAN: Come on, follow her
790: I'm trying
STAN: Try harder
790: I hate you
STAN: Come on

(Kai is still in his restraints. The doctors put on goggles, as an assistant pushes a panel, and circles of green light run down Kai's body. His eyes begin to glow, as a pink energy comes off him. The experiment stops)

VEEZRA: Wow!
FUNZ: And that was just a test. This is definitely going to work. OK - full power

(The assistant hits two panels, starting the beam of light. The lizard comes through the door, and hisses at the doctors, then sees Kai. The lizard rolls and knocks Kai out of the beam, but gets trapped. The doctors hit two more panels, increasing the strength of the beam, but Kai uses metal panels to deflect the beam onto the doctors, who are vaporised. The lizard writhes, until Kai turns off the beam. Zev returns to human form, but glowing yellow. Stan and 790 arrive, as Kai pulls wires out of his hair)

790: Zev! Darling! No!

(Stan gets off the bed and walks to Zev. So does Kai)

790: No!
STAN: We have to do something
KAI: I believe we are too late
790: No, no
ZEV: Goodbye. Thank you

(She smiles at them)

ZEV: I had a good life with you guys. I did all right for a girl who grew up in a box
STAN: You can't die. You can't

(Stan shakes his head)

ZEV: I'll miss you

(Stan looks so sad. 790 sobs)

KAI: Zev

(He looks at her)

ZEV: I love you

(Zev holds up her hand. Stan holds up his hand, and looks at her as the key goes back to him. Kai looks away, looks back. Zev is glowing. 790 is sobbing. Zev looks at Kai one last time - and dissolves into yellow goo)

790: No!

(Kai gets a glass bowl, and starts scooping up the yellow goo)

STAN: What are you doing?
KAI: Bringing Zev home

(He fishes out a black rubber part of her costume)

(The Lexx pulls away from MedSat. In the cryochamber, Zev's remains are in a big glass jar with metal handles, which Stan places at the base of a cryopod)

790: Forever, by the Zev, Zev, Forever by Zev I did lay
STAN: I'm gonna turn the Lexx around and I'm gonna blow the MedSat medical terminal into dust!
790: Hear hear!
KAI: That's revenge. Do you think it is an acceptable motivation?
STAN: I don't care
KAI: Those who did this to her are already dead
STAN: Well, that's just gonna take some of the fun out of it
KAI: Zev died saving us

(Kai puts his hand on Stan's shoulder)

KAI: It would not be her wish
STAN: Yeah, just like her. Deny me everything

(Stan walks away. 790 sits beside Zev's jar, sobbing. The Lexx flies away from MedSat - so they don't see the Mantrid drone arms arrive, and devour it. The drone arms form the shape of the Divine Order icon, then fly away)

© Filking Fairy