How Lexxy Are You?

Deep underwater in his hi-tech den, the evil Quizmaster Guy Haley interrogates Michael McManus, Brian Downey and Xenia Seeberg of Lexx for who knows what foul purpose...

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to How Lexxy Are You?, the game show that takes the stars of Lexx and asks them "How Lexxy Are You?" I'm your host for the evening, The Quizmaster! But before we subject them to a barrage of invasive questions about their lives, let's meet our contestants!

BD: Me? You want me? Sh... Sh... Should I do it now?

Quizmaster: Cut! Okay, let's try that again.

BD: Hi, my name is Brian Downey, I am from a province called Newfoundland, Canada. And I like to Roller Blade. Downhill. Luckily, there's a harbour at the bottom which stops most people.

Quizmaster: So you enjoy swimming, too?

BD: No, I can't swim. I prefer to hit parked cars. That stops me very nicely.

Quizmaster: Okay, let's meet our next, and loveliest contestant!

XS: Hello everybody. This is Xenia Seeberg, better known at the moment as Xev of B3K. My favourite thing is working on Lexx, of course. That's why I chose my profession.

MM: And my name is Michael McManus, I can't remember what my hobbies are. I hope I can get out of this gameshow situation as soon as possible! Wheel of Fortune makes me puke!

Quizmaster: Er, great. Okay, time for the first question in How Lexxy Are You? What would you do if you owned a Moth? Would you sell it, would you travel all over the world, would you use it to attract beautiful women?

BD: I'd use it to travel all over the world and collect beautiful women. Moths are our friends, you can take it to bed. Never fights! Never has a headache.

Quizmaster: Does it start first time?

BD: Pardon me ... ? Oh! That kind of Moth. Our Moths on the Lexx start every time. We can sleep in them. Oh no, we can do that with women, too. We can sleep on top of them, oh, we can with women as well. Well, Moths are a lot more comfortable.

XS: I would probably go to Los Angeles, fly out of this room. I've had enough! Enough interviews!

MM: It would be my preferred method of transportation. When I was a kid, my first ambition was to be a bush pilot. So I'd use it to go up north to the lake country in Ontario, find some uninhabited little lake, bring some friends. You could go to the best place, where cars have never been. It would also be a successful way to smuggle diamonds out of Namibia. All I need is a working Moth! Get production!

Quizmaster: Well, of course. My first choice, too. And now the second question. If you went into space, what kind of food would you take to supplement the Lexx diet?

BD: Well, gee, I'd take something practical, something that would never decompose, something that would never freeze, would never heat up. A McDonalds milkshake.

XS: juicy fruits. And sour, unripe apples.

MM: Huron County smoked venison, because that's a real delicacy and it keeps very well. Something like that would always be special. You'd have a little bit every second day.

A dragonfly with a really long penis. But it's kind of thin, and I'm not sure if you would want that" Xenia Seeberg

Quizmaster: And what would you take to make the Lexx more comfortable?

BD: Oh, we're back to women again, aren't we? Hmm, I'd say a good set of cutlery. Scooping up rice pudding with your fingers can get really nasty after a while. But we've graduated. We started with boiled mashed yam.

Quizmaster: That must have been an interesting culinary experience.

BD: No. It was a "difficult to control the regurgitation process and the defecation process after having some boiled mashed yam that was sitting around for four hours" experience. These guys spare no expense, believe me.

XS: The Lexx is so comfortable. just the Moth could be a little more comfortable so I would have a couch instead of those wooden seats! You always hurt your head and your butt.

MM: I don't think I'd want to have a holodeck, I need something really passive, for beer drinking, smoking some cigarettes and just tuning out.

Quizmaster: A good choice. Now it's time for the personal round. Each one of you has three questions regarding your characters. Mr Downey first, I think. How would you stop war on the planet Earth by using the Lexx?

BD: Oh, probably blow the whole damn thing up. No more wars! Problem solved.

Quizmaster: If you really were relegated to the level of, er, what is it ... ?

BD: Deputy back up courier fourth class. No, it's Assistant Deputy back up courier fourth class. I've been hoping for that promotion.

Quizmaster: If you really were such a lowly creature how would you improve your status?

BD: I'd suck up to His Divine Shadow a lot more quickly. I'd bring him lunch.

Quizmaster: Would you make him little pies?

BD: Any kind of pies he wanted.

Quizmaster: Do you ever wear a boiler suit around the house?

BD: And to bed, too.

Quizmaster: Saves on the washing.

BD: That would be taking a shower with the boiler suit on.

Quizmaster: Now Xenia. Would you have red hair in real life?

XS: I'd have to be in a different mood, and at the moment I'm not. I'm glad there's this great invention called wigs. But we won't need it much longer...

Quizmaster: If you met Stanley Tweedle, how would you get rid of him

XS: Oh, he's harmless. I'd say why don't you just turn around and look at that nice girl over there, she looks really desperate to meet you. That's what I usually do when fans come up to me in Germany. And Stan's not very selective about women, it's just most of the time Xev is the only one who is around.

Quizmaster: Would you wear short skirts and rubber harnesses?

XS: Short skirts, yes. In London it's still pretty cold, but I just got back from the Canary Islands and I wore short skirts there. Why not? I'm not sure about the rubber.

Quizmaster: Mr McManus, time for your questions. Would you wear your hair like Kai if it meant you could live forever?

MM: I'm a little bit dicey on eternity, but if it was that simple, as long you could just chop your hair off and croak.

Quizmaster: And how much would you enjoy being a living corpse?

MM: I might like it secretly. I think I'm very attached to life and if life ends and then it's just nothingness, but you could stick around in some form, I'll stick around.

Quizmaster: Do you have a protoblood abuse problem at all?

MM: I've gone down that road. Lord Byron beautifully said he had 'a little family of vices'. I confess, I've got my own little family of vices. To me that's the way that protoblood translates, it's the undead equivalent of having a beer.

Quizmaster: Now onto Character versus Actor, where we see whether our thespian friends are similar or dissimilar to their small-screen alteregos. What are your character's strengths?

BD: His incredible physique, his rippling muscles, his ready wit, and his devastatingly handsome good looks.

XS: Besides her extra strength, I like that Xev is able to make fun of not only Stanley but also herself. She's pretty relaxed and very adventurous.

MM: That he can put his parts back on after they've been chopped off.

Quizmaster: Are you and your characters similar at all?

BD: We're about the same height, about the same build, but I think that's where the similarity ends.

XS: I'm actually shy. I'm not scary like Xev.

MM: No, the main difference is that every once in a while I have to go and have some kind of goofy fun with a member of the opposite sex or a friend, just that personal affection and contact. I can be a bit cold and abstracted as a person, but I can't do it seven days a week.

Quizmaster: And now onto the bug round, our final...

BD: The what?

Quizmaster: The bug round.

BD: Don't you speak English?

Quizmaster: No. I speak Yorkshire. What's your favourite bug?

BD: I always thought it would be nice to have a hornet, that you could sic on people that were really annoying you.

XS: I don't like spiders. I like dragonflies.

MM: Slightly edging out the dragonfly would be the ladybug. But that's so kitschy.

Quizmaster: Okay. In your opinion, does the Lexx more resemble a giant dragonfly or a huge back-to-front penis?

BD: It's like a backward flying penis. Uncircumcised, of course.

XS: Hmm, maybe a dragonfly with a really long penis. But it's kind of thin, and I'm not sure if you would want that.

Quizmaster: Er, isn't that normal?

XS: That's not normal. And I'm not sure if it would be very fulfilling either.

BD: Well, it still has growing to do.

MM: The Lexx of the first eight hours resembled the latter thing... It was a bit stumpy before, but now it's got that elegant long tail it's more dragonfly. I think it's supposed to have wings, but they've never been seen.

Quizmaster: Any of you afraid of giant insects?

BD: If an insect was as big as the Lexx, you probably wouldn't see it.

Quizmaster: You wouldn't he frightened then?

BD: No, I wouldn't use the word frightened. I'd say terrified. Shit bait. Frightened's far too tame.

XS: I'd be very interested what that was about, if it was just me hallucinating.

MM: I think I'd be interested in a giant ladybug. The bug I cannot abide is a cockroach, and they get pretty big. We had a giant hissing cockroach in the first episode, a great big honking Latin American thing. I went nowhere near it. I didn't look at it on set, I didn't look at the chocolate copy they made for Zev to eat... I didn't want to know. I didn't want to see it hiss, I didn't want to see it clatter around and I didn't want to know that it's even in the world.

Quizmaster: Finally, think very carefully about this question; Are you are afraid of producer and writer Paul Donovan?

XS: Of course not, I love Paul.

MM: No, we've been friends for a while.

BD: Let me put it this way, he doesn't bug me!

Quizmaster: I believe Mr Downey has won by a full head. He is by far the Lexxiest! Hooray! You win a whole Mars Bar! Now, if you would just step into the liquidation tank...

Season one of Lexx is available to buy for ?12.99 and can be seen on the Sci-Fi Channel every Thursday at 10pm

September 1999