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Lexx 4.23 Lyekka vs Japan
(written by Jeffrey Hirschfield)

(The asteroid is close to Earth now. It slows as several spikes emerge, then speeds through the atmosphere and crashes into the sea)

(Elsewhere, in a television studio, Bob the anchorman is giving us the latest news)

BOB: Eunice Broadflower of Dunk, Missouri has once again defeated all challengers in this year's international Marilyn Monroe lookalike contest, the judges citing her deeply plunging neckline as the clincher. In other plunging news, the NASDAQ dropped for the fourth consecutive session. Mass suicides in the business world are expected to follow shortly.
And - plunging appears to be the watchword of the day, as we receive reports that a giant asteroid has just plunged into the Pacific Ocean somewhere off the coast of Japan. The subsequent tidal wave is expected to wipe out a number of nearby Pacific islands, causing considerable damage and loss of life. Dr Ponts?

(Professor Ponts is on a monitor, transmitting from another studio)

PONTS: You know Bob, I can't help but think that there must be a relationship between the unusual presence of alien carrots all over the planet this year, the unusual disappearance of Mars, Venus and Pluto, and now the unusual crash of a giant asteroid into the Pacific Ocean. About the only thing not unusual is Eunice Broadflower's return triumph. She was the crowd favourite, and certainly my own choice

(He grins. Bob gives him a look, and Ponts gets all professional again)

PONTS: I predict that the tidal wave from this asteroid's impact will depress real estate prices in coastal communities, further undermining the already weak banking sector, which should increase the pressure on President Priest to return to work, in order to prop up the dollar

(A carrot is briefly visible behind him)

PONTS: And most important to Americans, reverse the downward pressure on the NASDAQ. In a word, the outlook is not pretty at all, but -

(He sees a carrot nearby, then two, three. One flies past him)

PONTS: Wasn't that one of those carrot things?

(He runs)

(The Lexx. Everyone is on the bridge, watching the news on the view screen. Out of view, Ponts screams. Blood splashes on the screen)

STAN: Whoa. That little blue planet's just a never-ending barrel of laughs, isn't it?
KAI: 790, is there any doubt that the asteroid that crashed into the ocean was in fact Lyekka's ship?
790: I have scanned an endless stream of transmissions between the alien carrots and the asteroid. It is definitely connected with Lyekka
XEV: Kai, what do you think?
KAI: I think that Lyekka is a dangerous predator, who will consume this entire universe unless she is stopped - by us
STAN: OK, listen up - captain's orders (onto pedestal) Kai, and Kai alone, goes down to Earth. He retrieves the control unit from Vlad's cryopod, which shouldn't take long, and then he comes straight back here and we leave forever, never to return

(Xev steps up to him)

XEV: Captain's orders?
STAN: Well, I am the captain, remember?
XEV: I'm going down there with Kai
STAN: Why?!
XEV: Lyekka
STAN: What about Lyekka?
XEV: She tried to kill us
STAN: Yeah, but she didn't. We got away(gets down) and we gotta stay away, from her and that stupid planet
XEV: Lyekka is going to eat the Earth and then probably this whole universe
STAN: Lyekka said that she was just gonna eat Japaneseland, not the whole planet
XEV: And you believe that? We can take her on now, we can take her on later, but we definitely have to take her on sometime

(Kai and Xev take a moth to Earth. Stan appears on the moth's view screen)

STAN: Xev - we can make this really simple you know. You two get the part for the cryopod, and then hustle straight back here. Then, I blow up the planet. Lyekka's gone, the carrots are gone, the universe is safe, everybody wins
XEV: Except all the people on Earth
STAN: OK. Now listen you two. I'm officially warning you. Do not - I mean, do not! - get caught up in - whatever, down there on Earth, because if I see things going wrong - and they will - I will not hesitate to command the Lexx for the good of the universe to blow that planet up. Understood?
XEV: Understood, Stanley

(She switches off the view screen. It's night. A wolf howls as they approach Vlad's castle. Kai opens the door of the moth)

KAI: I will not drop in for long

(He jumps. The Cluster logo on the castle roof opens, and he lands in the tunnels beneath the castle. He goes to Vlad's cryopod, disconnects the control unit and picks it up)

(On the Lexx, Stan is watching the news)

BOB: This just in - Eunice Broadflower - yes, that Eunice Broadflower - died suddenly and horribly when the Marilyn Monroe lookalike contest runner-up threw gasoline on her and lit her on fire at the trophy presentation ceremony. The assailant repeatedly screamed "Some like it hot! Some like it hot!" as she was taken into custody and -(upset) Let's check the weather

(A weather chart appears onscreen, accompanied by the sound of slot machines? Prince is there, dressed in black)

PRINCE: The weather here, there and everywhere is not good. But it is especially bad(he points, a gong sounds and a skull appears) in Japan
STAN: Prince. Well that figures
PRINCE: I could use the words 'extreme climate change' but this time I think 'final destruction of the planet' is more appropriate. Bad carrots have been up to their dirty deeds everywhere. Mars, Venus, Pluto - disappeared from the sky. Evil characters have been popping up in positions of power all over the place. Pacific islands have just been inundated by a gigantic tidal wave. Cats and dogs are sure to start raining from the skies soon

(Carrots, clouds and skulls appear on the chart. Prince looks up, and images of cats and dogs fall across the chart. Prince looks back at Stan)

PRINCE: And I'm not finished yet

(He vanishes. The view screen shows the Earth)

STAN: Never leave the Lexx. Never leave the Lexx. Never!

(Kai is now back in the moth with the cryopod control unit)

XEV: Are you sure it still works?
KAI: Yes
XEV: Now do you want to go to the place where the asteroid went down, so that you can jump into the ocean and search for it?
KAI: No. The search area will be large, and I cannot move quickly in the water. The time and effort would likely exhaust my protoblood, making the bottom of the Earth's ocean - my final tomb
XEV: So what do you think we should do?
KAI: I think - we should wait

(Japan, dawn - the moth flies past a temple to a rocky shore. A man who looks like a Buddhist monk is sitting on the rocks. Xev and Kai walk up to him - his eyes are closed, legs crossed, hands in lap)

XEV: Hi there. I'm Xev of B3K, this is Kai. What's your name?
KAI: Have you recently seen a woman named Lyekka, or any alien carrots, or any other unusual type of alien?

(The man doesn't react. Xev leans closer)

XEV: Are you alive?

(Still no reaction. Kai crouches down beside him)

XEV: Maybe he's dead
KAI: He is alive
XEV: Well whatever he is, he's no help - come on, let's keep going
KAI: Where to?
XEV: Hmm - somewhere
KAI: This part of Japan is close to where the asteroid landed. It is as good a place as any to wait for Lyekka
XEV: How long will that be?
KAI: I do not know
XEV: I'm going to explore
KAI: What?
XEV: Why not? I'm half Cluster lizard, and Cluster lizards are not good at waiting
KAI: True - but exploration can take many forms

(He sits beside the monk, copies his position, closes his eyes)

XEV: Kai? Kai

(She waves her hand in front of Kai's face, but he doesn't react. She sits beside him, tries to meditate - but keeps turning her head quickly to see if he's looking. She sighs)

XEV: I really don't wanna sit here. Will you come with me? Please? Kai?

(He does not respond)

XEV: OK. I won't go far, and you don't go anywhere without me, right? Promise? Good

(She gets up and walks along the rocks, sees another monk standing looking out to sea. This monk looks American, not Japanese)

XEV: Hello!
WYATT: Well hello
WYATT: I'm Wyatt
XEV: Xev
WYATT: Have you come seeking the Master?
XEV: No. My - crew mate and I are waiting for Lyekka. She's in the big asteroid thing that landed near here in the ocean, near here, sort of
WYATT: A sad loss of life - for some, but not for others
XEV: Why?
WYATT: Many of us do not see the end of life so much as a sad thing but as a joyful beginning
XEV: Of what?
WYATT: Of the next life, of course (smiles)
XEV: Of course
WYATT: You should meet the Master
XEV: What for?
WYATT: The Master can help you understand the immortal force that travels from one living vessel to the next
XEV: What's that?
WYATT: Your spiritual self. The part of you that lives on, the part of you that is born again and again and again, each time in a different vessel
XEV: I've known people who have lived a few times - like Schlemmi, who first was on the Luvliner but then he died, and he became Fifi on the planet Fire, and then he was Farley on TV. He was worried about liking men in a sexual way - until a carrot got him
WYATT: You've lived before Xev
XEV: I have?
WYATT: Yes you have. The Master can teach you about it. He can feel into the past, into your past. He can tell you who you were before
XEV: He can?
WYATT: Yes he can - if you let go
XEV: Of what?
WYATT: Of this passing life. If you give yourself over to your spiritual vessel. Reject the decadent ways of the West, Xev, and let the enlightened ways of the East heal your spirit
XEV: Sounds great!

(Xev goes back to Kai, who is still meditating)

XEV: Kai! Any sign of Lyekka yet? Listen, I don't know if you can hear me, but I'm going to the temple up the hill to meet the Master, so either I'll come back down when I'm done or you can meet me there when you've finished. How does that sound?

(No reaction. She gets up)

XEV: Great. Bye. Bye Kai

(Wyatt leads Xev into the temple grounds - other monks there, sweeping the courtyard)

WYATT: So Xev, where are you from?
XEV: A planet called B3K - that's in the Light Zone
WYATT: That's interesting. Do your family know you're here?
XEV: My family? I don't have any family. My parents put me in the wife bank when I was a baby, and they would have been killed anyway when the Mantrid drones destroyed B3K. I'm alone - all alone
WYATT: Forgive my bluntness Xev, but I sense a great deal of pain in you. Are you stricken with any physical illness or serious disease?
XEV: No, of course not! I'm a love slave. Love slaves are perfect (twirls) See?
WYATT: Then your pain must be here, am I right?

(Wyatt puts his hand over his heart)

XEV: You could be
WYATT: I am right. I am, because your pain, was my pain until I came here. But the Master has since brought balance and joy where once there was only anxiety and discontent. Like me, you can supplant your inner anguish with inner peace, harmony and a sense of oneness with everyone and everything. You can be saved, if you will
XEV: And the Master can do all this?
WYATT: Yes. He can
XEV: Wow

(Back on the Lexx, Stan is on the pedestal. There is a small selection of junk on the armrest. He selects apiece and throws it at 790)

790: Simple entertainment for the simple minded
STAN: I'm not listening

(He throws another piece, which hits 790)

STAN: Bingo!
790: Bongo
STAN: Dumb dumb time. Guys, where are ya?

(Another hit. He laughs)

(Wyatt leads Xev to a wooden building. Two monks pass them, carrying small plastic boxes)

XEV: What are those people carrying?
WYATT: I have no idea and no concern. Whatever they have is part of their journey, not mine

(They go up steps, slide door, go inside. Xev sits cross-legged on a mat, candles around her)

WYATT: Think pleasant thoughts
XEV: I'll try (smiles)

(Wyatt leaves)

(Back on the rocks, four bad carrots arrive. Kai opens his eyes, turns to the monk)

KAI: I apologise for disturbing your meditation, but I feel it necessary to warn you that you are surrounded by alien probes. Your life is in extreme danger should they choose to enter your body, or otherwise to attack you

(Kai gets his brace ready)

KAI: I can eliminate them if you wish. They are not living things, so their destruction should not run counter to any principles you may hold in that regard. I suggest you take me up on my offer, if you have any concern for your own mortality

(The monk still says nothing)

KAI: Which apparently you do not

(Kai puts his brace away, looks at the carrots)

KAI: Why have you not attacked him? Does he have a power which keeps you away?

(The carrots jump about on the rocks, clanking and screeching. Kai returns to his meditation)

(Xev is chanting, when a pair of hands emerge from a screen behind her)

MASTER: Approach the screen

(Xev turns, gets up, goes to the screen. She can just see the outline of a monk on the other side)

MASTER: Closer

(He turns her around, so his hands can feel her belly from behind)

MASTER: You have known great pain
XEV: Yes. All my life. I've never known any real happiness
MASTER: Your soul is a battleground of conflicting desires, both present and past

(He feels under her jaw)

XEV: Yes, it's true
MASTER: You seek love, but do not find it. You seek inner joy and harmony but it is elusive. You seek a soft nest to land in, but none is there for you. I can help you
XEV: You can?
MASTER: But I must warn you that the path to spiritual enlightenment may prove to be a long and difficult trail. There are no half measures on such a journey. Are you willing to commit your being to the hard road ahead?
XEV: Yes I will. But Lyekka might show up and then I'll have to leave in a big hurry
MASTER: Your first true session will begin this afternoon. Contemplate the garden. Wyatt will summon you when I am ready
XEV: Thank you master
MASTER: Go now
XEV: Yes. Thank you

(She leaves, bows, closes the door behind her. The screen slides back, and the Master takes off a false beard - of course, it's Wyatt)

WYATT: We got a hot one

(The Lexx. Stan is sleeping on the pedestal. The weather chart is on the view screen - signs for tornadoes, volcanoes, lightning, tidal waves. Prince walks onto the screen, singing)

PRINCE: It's raining, it's pouring, the weather's crack whoring! I kid you not folks, the Earth's atmosphere has spread her legs, and absolutely anything can crawl inside. It's Armageddon time! We have hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes all over the place. Dozens of erupting volcanoes are filling the skies with ash. There's hardly enough of the polar ice caps left to drop into a highball, and the hole in the ozone layer is nearly as big as the one in Stanley Tweedle's head!

(Stan wakes up)

STAN: Hey!
PRINCE: Ah, so you are paying attention
STAN: Well, I try not to pay attention to you, Prince
PRINCE: Well you should - there's a lot that I can tell you
STAN: About what?
PRINCE: Oh, things. Things brewing. Things afoot
STAN: I know what's afoot. It's big trouble of the alien kind, and I'm ready for it
PRINCE: Really? Are you sure? I mean, you're not exactly captain courage, are you Stanley? Are you sure that you're not gonna just fall apart when the going gets tough, as you have so many times before?
STAN: No, I won't!
790: He will
STAN: You shut up!
PRINCE: Well - we'll see. Stan. Brave captain Stanley we will soon see precisely what you are and are not made of. The time is at hand. Prepare yourself. Prepare

(Prince disappears. The view screen shows Earth)

STAN: Kai, Xev, where are you?!

(Back near the shore, there is a huge splash. The carrots run around on the rocks. Kai watches as one extends antennae, and starts making a different sound. Kai looks out to sea)

(Xev is sitting in the courtyard, and sees seven monks, all with boxes. She follows and watches from behind trees as they walk down to the sea, and hand the boxes to someone in a boat)

WYATT: Xev! Xev!

(Xev goes back to the garden)

XEV: Yes?
WYATT: It is time
XEV: I saw more people carrying containers, they were loading them onto a boat
WYATT: Really?
XEV: Yeah
WYATT: As I said, we all have our own journey here at the temple - and yours is about to begin

(He leads her back inside, gives her a legal document to sign)

XEV: What's that?
WYATT: In order for the temple to proceed, we require donations. This document states that you are of your own free will donating all your earthly possessions to the temple
XEV: You mean money? I don't have any, but I can get some at the bank machine
WYATT: We don't want your money from the bank machine. The temple's needs are - larger. Just sign here
XEV: Here?

(She makes her mark on the page)

(Back on the shore. The monk takes a deep breath, opens his eyes - and sees the carrots)

KAI: Hello
MONK: Hello
KAI: How was your meditation?
MONK: What meditation? My guts were aching, so I sat down here, and I guess I must have passed out. It happens a lot these days. Say - what the heck are those?

(Xev is chanting. There is a bowl with lots of incense burning in front of her. She hears the Master go behind the screen)

MASTER: Greetings, Xev - or should I say, Lady Xev? Since I touched you fragments of your past lives have come to me, and I have learned some things that might interest you. I saw a vision of a castle, and you sitting in a jewel encrusted throne - but you were not a queen. You were a lady in the service of a wicked queen, and when she caught you sitting on her throne she had you beheaded
XEV: Where was that?
MASTER: In - Abyssinia, I believe
XEV: Where's Abyssinia?
MASTER: On the other side of the world
XEV: You mean this planet, the Earth? But I grew up in the Light Zone, wouldn't my past lives have been there?

(The smoke is thicker. Xev coughs)

MASTER: I saw you in a library. This was more recent - maybe less than 200 years ago. Perhaps you were a scholar, or a poet - or more likely a cleaner
XEV: (sleepy) How can that be? I was on the Lexx then, on my way to Fire and Water - or maybe already there. I remember - I was a singer - singing to lots and lots of happy people
MASTER: No. The only singing you did was squealing like a pig in a cheap whorehouse
XEV: I did not!
MASTER: You did, you didn't, it doesn't matter

(He puts on a gas mask, steps out from behind the screen)

MASTER: You see, the truth is Xev - whoever you were in your past lives, you were the same gullible chick as you are in this one
XEV: You're just another bad man

(She passes out)

(Back on the shore - )

MONK: I sold my television, my radio, everything, a long time ago to pay for the lessons with the Master, so I never heard of these carrot probes
KAI: They usually enter people when they encounter them - but not you
MONK:(laughs) Nor you
KAI: I am dead, and of little interest to them
MONK: Nor am I
KAI: You are also dead?
MONK: No. Not yet. Not quite, anyway
KAI: Then what is it that keeps them at bay?
MONK: I don't know. I think it's more likely because my poop chute is sewn up
KAI: Your poop chute?
MONK: I'm stapled and stitched. There's no exit through the back door
KAI: I do not understand
MONK: I was one of the first here, and before long I ran out of money for lessons. I thought I was out of luck, until the Master got the idea of his students donating unnecessary distracting organs - which he sells to the medical community. Pretty well half of my body has been harvested now. Maybe the carrots figured that out, and that's why they were not interested in me

(He lifts his robe back, to reveal lots of plastic tubes, pumps, bags)

MONK: This is my gall bladder. Pancreas, my heart, and my liver. And I call this my bliss bag. The only downside of surrendering my inside is that I sometimes pass out for long periods of time, like just now. The two jugs of sake I had last night didn't help either. But - I have never been happier. The Master is good - the Master is wise. The Master has guided me to the top of the mountain, and joy is mine

(Kai stands up)

KAI: I would like to see this Master myself
MONK: Good for you. Meet him, and you'll never be the same
KAI: Nor will he, I suspect
MONK: And -
KAI: Yes?

(But the monk has passed out again. Kai leaves)

(Xev slowly comes around. She is strapped to a table. Wyatt is nearby, talking on a mobile phone)

WYATT: Absolutely, great specimen. She's got everything - everything except relatives, that is. Yeah, that's right - her guts are a gold mine. Going for the full harvest - eyes, breast, kidneys, lungs, heart, skin, hair. Finally get caught up on those back orders. Yeah, I'm happy too. Later Tony. Bye

(He puts the phone away, looks at Xev)

WYATT: Hey, you're awake. That's quite the constitution you got there, cash cow. You inhaled enough gas to knock out a team of horses for a week

(Xev snarls)

WYATT: It'd be less painful if you stayed unconscious, but that's your problem, not mine. I'll cut 'em as I get 'em

(She growls quietly - still dopey)

WYATT: Don't be so upset. This is just your troubled soul's shortcut to Nirvana

(Kai runs over rocks, heading for the temple. There is another big splash - and a giant Lyekka emerges from the water - short dark hair, wearing a sort of kimono. The monk wakes up, looks at her)

MONK: Nirvana! In the form of a giant woman from the sea! As the Master said - sort of

(He laughs, pulls all his tubes out - and dies. Lyekka smiles, and starts walking through the water)

(Kai arrives in the temple garden. He sees two monks, who have plastic bags sticking out from under their robes)

KAI: Where is the Master?

(The monks point up the path. Kai takes it)

(Wyatt puts one of the plastic containers onto the table)

WYATT: Lots of old sick rich people around these days, and there's a lot more money to be made selling them new organs than fixing their old ones. Soon as I figured that one out I quit medical school. Besides, my bedside manner never was very good, that's my drift. Oh, I'd recommend lying as still as possible, but I understand if that's a little tough to do

(He switches on a cutting tool, holds it near Xev's face)

(Kai is getting closer to the temple)

WYATT: It's like I always say Xev - you may not find inner peace, but you'll always find inner pieces

(Xev snarls. Meanwhile, Lyekka is stomping her way towards the temple)

XEV: I forgot to tell you something
WYATT: And what is that?
XEV: I'm not all human
WYATT: Well that goes for the both of us

(He grins. Xev snarls, and sits up, pulling free of the restraints)

(Outside, monks look up at the sound of stomping. Kai reaches the temple - and sees Lyekka. Monks run for cover. Lyekka smiles. Inside, plaster is falling from the ceiling. Wyatt looks up - and is crushed by Lyekka's foot. As Lyekka walks on, Kai walks through the torn screen door)

XEV: Kai
KAI: Hello Xev. Were you having a problem?
XEV: Yes I was - until Lyekka stepped in

(They go outside. Some monks are dead, others running away. Lyekka is heading for Tokyo)

XEV: Oh no
LYEKKA: (deep voice) This is a tasty planet. I like it
XEV: What do we do now?
KAI: We go after her

(They take off in the moth)

(On the bridge, Stan kicks 790)

XEV: Stan, this is Xev, talk to us
STAN: I'm here Xev, what's up?
XEV: Lyekka's up. I mean, she's way up. She's huge and she's stomping all over Japan
STAN: Well, she said she'd eat Japan. Look, look - do you have the replacement cryopod control unit?
XEV: Yes
STAN: Well, then come on back so that we can leave
XEV: What about Lyekka?
STAN: If Lyekka breaks her word, then - then we can blow the planet up from a safe distance and that'll take care of her
XEV: No, Kai's going to try to get her from down here
STAN: Xev, you come back right now
XEV: We will come back - soon
STAN: I'm telling you - do not expect me to be here if you do not come back to the Lexx right now!
KAI: If you make the choice to leave without us Stanley, you must destroy the planet, and destroy Lyekka
STAN: Look, I just want you to come back to the Lexx!
XEV: We will not do that. We're going to try to defeat Lyekka without killing everyone else on the planet
STAN: Then I am leaving
XEV: Goodbye Stan

(Xev switches off the moth's view screen)

STAN: I will leave. I'm just gonna leave without 'em
790: No you will not
STAN: Watch me

(More news)

BOB: Upon viewing the court videotape of himself in bed with four prostitutes, the mayor stated "What can I say? I'm horny for hoes"(coughs) In NASDAQ news -

(Bob sees an image of giant Lyekka on a monitor)

BOB: Holy cow! News flash. A giant woman - a very beautiful giant woman is at this very moment stomping all over Tokyo, causing an orgy of destruction. We take you live to our correspondent in Japan, Danny Trevello

(Lyekka is using two telephone poles as chopsticks. She picks up a train and eats it)

LYEKKA: Yum yum!
DANNY: Carnage and chaos reign supreme here in Tokyo, as the monster continues to carve a swath of destruction throughout the city

(Stan is watching this on the view screen)

STAN: Oh, Lyekka
790: She's after my Kai - blow up the planet!
DANNY: For a rampaging monster she sure is gorgeous
STAN: I'm with you there, buddy
DANNY: I know that offers little consolation to the legions of Japanese people now being crushed to death by the monster but - wow, is she hot!
LYEKKA: Yum yum!

(The stomping sounds are moving closer)

DANNY: Is she looking at us?

(Giant legs come into view. Danny screams as he is crushed. Stan looks away)

BOB: We'll get right back to the scene, courtesy of - someone else (smiles)

(A long distance view, of helicopters heading for Lyekka. Prince appears on the view screen)

PRINCE: Well, things are definitely heating up in old Japaneseland. Is there help in sight? Well - there is a small chance that a nearby weak disturbance will move in to push the storm away - but, more likely it will simply lose its nerve and fizzle out before it gets there. That's what this sort of system usually does
STAN: You're wrong there, Prince

(In Tokyo, people scream as more are trampled to death. The moth reaches Tokyo)

XEV: Stan, we can see Lyekka. She's in a big city called Tokyo
STAN: Kai - do you think you can get rid of her?
KAI: I am not certain

(Stan gets up onto the pedestal)

STAN: Then you better stay away from there, because Stan the man is gonna rescue Japan
XEV: Really? And how are you going to do that?
STAN: I'll tell the Lexx to fire just a little shot, just the size of the city Tokyo. He's done it before
XEV: When he was really really hungry. Now that he's eaten Holland, he's probably going to blow up the whole planet
STAN: OK Lexx - can you fire just a little, tiny, small - just a little shot the size of that city named Tokyo?
LEXX: I don't know, Stanley. I like to blow up planets, but I can try if you like
STAN: Not yet, OK? Soon

(In Tokyo, people run as Lyekka approaches. Three helicopters hover around her head)

LYEKKA: Japan is so tasty. Yum. yum, yum!

(She sucks a helicopter into her mouth)

LYEKKA: More please

STAN: Lexx - are we there yet?
LEXX: Yes I am, Stan
STAN: Xev?
XEV: Yes?
STAN: I'm now over Tokyo. I'm about to tell the Lexx to blow the city up. I'm giving you one last chance to get out
790: Or not. I don't care. Kai won't be hurt
XEV: Stan, wait -
STAN: No! I'm taking Lyekka out, right now

(Xev steers the moth away from Tokyo)

(Stan activates the template)

STAN: Lexx, I command you to -

(Suddenly Lyekka appears on the view screen - not giant Lyekka, but normal blonde Lyekka, with a background of clouds and stars)

LYEKKA: Don't Stanley, don't do it, please
STAN: Lyekka! What, what -? How can you - wait just a second here
LYEKKA: Don't kill me Stanley. I beg you
STAN: How can you be here? You're stomping all over Tokyo
LYEKKA: No Stan. I mean - yes Stan (smiles) One of my sisters is the Lyekka in that tasty city - but not me. I'm the real Lyekka - the Lyekka that likes you
790: She's messing with your mind! Not that there's much to mess with. Shoot!

(Stan is not sure about this)

LYEKKA: Who cares about Tokyo, the Earth, Stan? The only thing in this universe that's important is us - you and me. I like you Stanley. And you like me, don't you?
STAN: Well yeah, yeah, I do
LYEKKA: So forget about the Earth and all its fat and greasy tasty people. Think about us and how good we are together
STAN: No, you're just saying that. I do like you but you're bad
LYEKKA: I am bad Stan - but so are you, and that's why we love each other. I do love you Stan
STAN: Oh, Lyekka
LYEKKA: Oh, Stan
790: Oh, pukefest

(More helicopters arrive. Lyekka sucks them all in, smiles)

LYEKKA: My tummy feels terrific (grins)

(The moth is out over the sea)

XEV: Stan, what are you doing up there? You said you were gonna fire. Stan? Stan, answer me!

(There is just static on the moth's view screen)

XEV: Something isn't right there

(More sirens and screams, as giant Lyekka continues stomping - and her sister tries to persuade Stan)

LYEKKA: You will be my king and I your queen. I want to make love to you and eat tasty things all day long
STAN: You're just trying to trick me. You're smooth round the bend, remember? You're just trying to distract me while you eat the Earth and then every planet everywhere. You're not Lyekka. Lyekka's dead. You're just a monster who's pretending to be Lyekka
LYEKKA: I'm all yours, Stanley. Everything I am is all yours

(She licks her lips, kisses at him. Her tongue and lips are very big)


(The moth flies back to Tokyo)

KAI: There
XEV: How are you going to fight her?
KAI: Divine Assassins are very resourceful

(Lyekka catches two more helicopters with her tongue)

KAI: That's close enough!
XEV: Kai -
KAI: Get well away as soon as I am out
XEV: Good luck Kai!

(Kai jumps out of the moth. Lyekka sucks in another helicopter - and Kai)

LYEKKA: I'm still hungry
XEV: Stanley, where are you?!

STAN: You're not just saying those things, you're not just teasing me?
LYEKKA: Oh no, Stanley. I can't live without you. I tried, but I can't
STAN: Yeah. Yeah, I admit there is something between us - even if it is completely strange. I never felt anything for anybody the way I feel about you - even if you really are bad
LYEKKA: Yes, I am bad (smiles)
STAN:(grins) Tell me more, Lyekka

(Kai is inside giant Lyekka's mouth, balancing on her tongue)

LYEKKA: Tasty human pie

LYEKKA: I want to kiss you. I want to caress you -

LYEKKA: I wanna eat, and eat, and eat, and eat, and eat until I -

(Kai fires his brace up through the roof of Lyekka's mouth, out through her head. She looks surprised)

(On the view screen, Lyekka's face is distorted)

STAN: Whoa. What was that?
LYEKKA: No - thing

(Giant Lyekka is holding her head)


(On the view screen, Lyekka's face is twisting, her voice is wrong)

LYEKKA: And squeeze, and hug, and explore -
STAN: Lyekka? Something's not right
LYEKKA: I know that

(Giant Lyekka falls to the ground, dead)

LYEKKA: I - want - to -
STAN: Lyekka?!

(Lyekka's head explodes. The view screen goes blank. Stan sighs)

(The moth hovers over giant Lyekka. Kai crawls out of her nose, waves to Xev. She waves back. The moth flies to the Lexx - and the asteroid gets out of the sea, on giant mechanical legs. Stan watches the news on the view screen)

BOB: No doubt about it - it's just not Japan's day. Tokyo is once again under attack, this time from - can this be right? - a giant asteroid on legs. Well, if that doesn't beat all. Not much media is left alive in Tokyo, but we are still able to take you to the scene

(Xev and Kai (carrying the cryopod control unit) walk onto the bridge)

STAN: Now that's what I all a Lexx-sized target!

(The Lexx turns to aim at Tokyo. The asteroid stops stomping across Tokyo, and a giant ray gun comes out of the top, fires at the Lexx)

LEXX: Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!
STAN: Remember, just one short sharp blast at that big thing that sticks out of the planet there. Ready, aim - hold it, hold it - OK, fire Lexx, fire now!

(Lexx powers up - and scores a direct hit on the asteroid - and Tokyo)

STAN: Ha Ha! Yahoo! Yeah, we got it! We did it, we did it!

(He jumps down from the pedestal, hugs Xev)

(All the carrots on the rocks near the monk fall down, dead)

XEV: Well done, captain
STAN: Oh yeah. Good shot Lexx

(Prince appears on the view screen, with the weather chart)

PRINCE: Clear skies, clear skies everywhere. It's a wonderful day to be alive, the storm clouds have passed. But - you never can tell when more are going to roll in - can you?
STAN: Spoilsport!

(He gets up onto the pedestal. The view screen goes blank)

STAN: We're done here(activates template) OK Lexx - time to turn yourself around
LEXX: As you command, Stan

(Stan gets down)

STAN: Let's get outta here, once and for all
XEV: Good idea

(Xev kisses Stan's cheek. The Lexx flies away. They don't notice another asteroid heading for the Earth)

© Filking Fairy

© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana

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