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Lexx 4.22 Trip
(written by Jeffrey Hirschfield)

(The Lexx flies past the moon, heading away from Earth. Everyone is on the bridge)

STAN: (smiles) Bye bye Earth

(He gets down from the pedestal, and crouches down by 790)

XEV: I won't miss it
STAN: Robot head - I want you to find us a new planet in this universe, a good planet - and by that I mean a good planet for me and Xev to live on, not a good planet for you to get us horribly killed on (slaps 790) Understand?
790: Not a word
STAN: (gets up) Well, Kai does, and Kai is gonna demand that you start scanning. Right Kai?
KAI: 790, you do as Stan asks
790: Anything for you, my decarbonised dreamdoll

(Stan, Xev and Kai leave the bridge, walk to the galley)

XEV: Do you think Lyekka will keep her word and only eat Japan?
STAN: Absolutely. Lyekka always keeps her word, to me anyway. See, she - whoa!

(In the galley, under the food nozzle, there is something that looks like a large pear. It's wriggling, making squeaky balloon noises)

XEV: What is that?
STAN: Beats me
KAI: And me
XEV: It seems alive somehow
KAI: Yes
STAN: Well, what - Kai, kill it!

(Kai touches it)

STAN: Anybody home?

(Stan touches it, pulls his hand back)

STAN: Hello?

(It starts wriggling more quickly)

STAN: It's attacking us! Kai, do something!

(There is a flash of light, and the pear splits open. Inside, there is a glittery hologram of Lyekka, above a plant with two small red spheres floating around it. Lyekka smiles. Stan steps closer)

STAN: Lyekka?
LYEKKA: Greetings, noble crew of the Lexx, from myself and all my sisters. We are so happy to have made peace with you so we can eat lots of yummy things on Earth. We like you, and we salute you, and because we like you we have left these beautiful presents for you. Please, accept them, and enjoy them. Brave captain Stanley H Tweedle, fearless Xev of B3K, to each of you we offer a single Gelassa berry - the rarest and most exquisite delicacy in the entire known universe. They are so tasty, words cannot describe them. We hope you enjoy them

(Stan reaches over and takes one of the berries, so does Xev)

LYEKKA: And for you Kai, we offer our highest tribute - a living Yowratang plant. Sing for it, and the blossom will open - but only if it likes your voice. Friends - these are our offerings. Enjoy them, and think of us, as we will always think of you. We wish you well on your journey to the stars. Peace, and goodwill

(She disappears. Kai picks up his plant - mossy base, blue globe surrounded by big leaves)

STAN: Now that was classy, huh? Lyekka, she's just the best. What do you make of these things?
XEV: I don't know. I'm not sure if it's a good idea to eat it - it could be poisonous
STAN: Oh come on Xev, I trust Lyekka
XEV: Well - you first
STAN: Don't be so suspicious - Kai, are you afraid of these plants?
STAN: Huh? If these things are half as good as Lyekka says they are, then they gotta be way better than Lexx's nostril spew, you know what I mean?
XEV: OK, eat it than
STAN: Well, why don't we both go together?
XEV: No way. Captains first (grins)
STAN: Captains first? Well, OK. Sure. Yeah

(He takes a bite - then coughs, chokes)

XEV: Stan? Are you OK?
STAN: Oh, that's good. No - that's, that's good! Oh!
XEV: Good. Well, I'm still going to wait to try mine, just to be sure. You should wait too before eating anymore Stan, hmm?
STAN: Yeah yeah, you're right yeah, you're right, I should wait, yeah, that's long enough

(He eats the rest of his berry, makes yummy sounds. Kai walks to the passageway with his plant)

KAI: I will retire to cryostasis while the Lexx seeks out a new planet. Wake me if you need anything
XEV: Sure
STAN: That's good, that is so good!

(Xev tucks her berry safely between her breasts)

STAN: Are you gonna - ?
XEV: Yeah. Just to be sure

(In the cryochamber, Kai puts his plant on the cryopod control unit. He sets the controls, gets inside his cryopod, which closes. The plant flutters its leaves)

(Later. Stan and Xev are on the bridge)

STAN: So, I see you still haven't eaten your Gelassa berry

(He reaches for it, but she turns away)

XEV: No. Why?
STAN: Well, see my berry was - you know, it was OK at first, but after that it really didn't do too much for me at all, so - I thought, that if you're not gonna eat yours maybe I should eat both, and see if that makes a difference

(He tries to grab it again)

XEV: I didn't say I wasn't going to eat my Gelassa berry, I said I wanted to wait and see what happened to you before I did

(She takes it out)

STAN: Nothing happened! So come on Xev, give it to me

(She sniffs it, licks it)

STAN: Look, you're not gonna eat it, not now, not later, it's just gonna spoil so come on, hand it over

(He reaches for it again, but Xev pops it into her mouth, smiles. Stan gets up on the pedestal, sulking)

STAN: Not fair
XEV: Wow
STAN: Good, isn't it, huh?

(Stan smiles. Xev makes yummy noises)

STAN: Yeah, see? Hey robot head, how long till we reach that first planet?
790: 9 hours, 27 minutes. How long before you impale yourself on a pike?

(Stan gives him a look)

790: I had to ask
STAN: Funny

(Later. The Lexx passes a planet - it looks dusty, with chunks of it missing)

STAN: I thought you said, and I quote, it is a life bearing planet?!
790: It was. It just isn't anymore
XEV: What happened?
790: I'm not sure, but I would calculate that all life on the entire surface of the planet has been eaten clean away
XEV: Lyekka and her sisters
790: Very possibly
XEV: Well that is not so good

(Stan gets down from the pedestal)

STAN: Now look Xev, we don't know for sure that it was Lyekka and her sisters. Besides, even if it was, this happened long before we worked things out with Lyekka. And it's in their nature to eat planets, what else do you expect?
XEV: Exactly

(Stan gets back up on the pedestal)

STAN: Let's just move on to the next planet

(But the next planet is also grey and dead)

XEV: 790, what's this planet?
790: It is called Criddock 14. It was highly advanced, certainly by Earth standards, and densely populated with over 23 billion people

(Stan puts his hands over his eyes)

XEV: We should talk to Kai
790: No way! Stay off my turf, bitch!
STAN: Yeah, maybe we should

(Stan and Xev leave the bridge)

790: Tell him I miss him

(In the cryochamber, Kai is standing by the cryopod control unit, singing to his plant)

KAI: If this should be our final stand
We will stand together with pride
We will honour the past
And fight to the last
It will be a good way to die

(Stan and Xev enter the cryochamber)

XEV: Kai, you're awake
KAI: Yes, I am. Is there a problem?
XEV: There is. We've been to several planets now and each one we've been to has been all eaten up. All life on them gone. We think Lyekka must have done it
KAI: Where are we now?
STAN: We're just leaving the planet Criddock 14. 790 said there used to be billions of people on it
XEV: And now there's none. They must have died horribly
STAN: Yeah
XEV: (giggles) Really horribly
STAN:(giggles) Eaten alive! What a way to go, ha ha! Poor bastards! Yum yum

(Stan and Xev laugh. Kai looks at them, confused)

KAI: Are you two - all right?
XEV: Better than those people
STAN: That's OK Xev, see we still got time to die a worse death than them, I mean we've come close a million times
XEV: No, a million and one!
STAN: A million and one! Who's counting? (laughs)
KAI: I have never seen the two of you behave in this way
STAN: Well now that you have, you're not gonna live to tell about it - 'cause you're already dead, get it? Corpse man!

(Xev puts her hand on his shoulder to steady him)

XEV: Stanley, Stanley, Stanley
STAN: What, what, what, what?
XEV: I think it's those berries. They must be affecting our mood. Shh!
STAN: I think you're right

(They put their fingers to lips, then laugh. They stand still, trying to be serious)

STAN: OK. All right. What do we do about our latest desperate situation?
KAI: Perhaps you should concentrate on pleasant matters until the effect passes
STAN: Like what?
KAI: Like singing to my Yowratang plant, to see if it will open for you
STAN: Hey, OK, OK, that's a great idea, I'll sing

(He holds the plant, starts to sing)

STAN: Stanley Tweedle is a god
A warrior and a gent

(Xev laughs)

STAN: Shh! We are not fit to suck his feet
On dine on his excrement
All night we croon
By the light - Wake up!
XEV: Come on, come on, my turn

(She holds the plant up high, sings)

XEV: I'm a Cluster lizard, and you smell so damn good
STAN: Stanley, Stanley -

(Kai takes the plant back, puts it on the cryopod control unit)

KAI: Allow me
STAN: Huh? What?

(Kai sings, Stan and Xev listen - Xev snapping her fingers)

KAI: This moment will live on through time
If anyone ever asks why
The Brunnen G did not fall on their knees
You will know, they found a good way to die

(The blue ball of the plant splits open. Lots of pretty glittery lights)

XEV: That was really special
STAN: Yeah. I love you guys

(He turns away to face the cryopod, picking at it)

XEV: Oh Stan
STAN: I'm sorry, it's corny, I know, I know, but you know we've just been through so much together and right now - I just really care about you guys
XEV: Hey, no, it's not corny at all. No, I feel the same way

(She strokes his butt)

KAI: Me too
STAN: Huh?

(Stan and Xev look at Kai)

KAI: Though I am dead and do not feel as such, I am not without an appreciation of our kinship. There is indeed a strong bond between us

(Later. All three are lying on Xev's bed, with their heads together at the centre)

XEV: I'm thinking that maybe the time has come for us to develop a special relationship
STAN: Well hey, I'm all for that, when do we start?
XEV: Maybe sooner than you think
KAI: If Prince should ever fulfil his promise to make me once again truly alive, I can envision that the thought of making love with you Xev might actually become appealling
XEV: Wow. You are very different tonight

(She kisses him on the cheek)

XEV: I'm suddenly really tired
STAN: Yeah, me too
KAI: As the next life bearing planet will not be reached for some time, I will return to cryostasis. Goodnight to you both
STAN: Night Kai

(Kai leaves)

XEV: Night Kai. Night Stanley

(Stan gets up on his knees, leans over her)

STAN: Aw Xev, you know - I'd like to say goodnight to you too but - but I really wanna stay
XEV: Oh Stan, it's been such a perfect day
STAN: Exactly, exactly, exactly! And you and me and the bed makes three, it'd be the perfect end to it, see, we've opened up so much to each other - so let's stay open - even if it's just for tonight

(Xev sits up, her hand on Stan's shoulder)

XEV: Yes Stan. Make love to me now. Kiss me

(Stan moves in for a kiss - and belches)

XEV: Are you OK Stan?

(Stan clutches his stomach)

STAN: Oh my guts
XEV: Are you OK?
STAN: Oh, it's just - this is bad (looks at Xev) Did you do something to me?
XEV: What? No, what are you talking about?
STAN: Oh nothing, nothing (gets up) I better go lie on my own bed. It was a great day Xev. Goodnight
XEV: Goodnight

(Later. Xev is lying asleep on her bed - and hears Prince's voice)

PRINCE: Xev. Xev. Xev

(Xev opens her eyes, sits up - but there's no-one there)

XEV: Who's there?
PRINCE: Hello Xev
XEV: Who is this?
PRINCE: (chuckles) Come to the cryochamber Xev. Come

(Xev gets up, walks along the passageway, hears his voice again)

PRINCE: (chuckles) Come to the cryochamber Xev. You won't be disappointed. Come

(Xev goes into the cryochamber - which seems to be more misty than usual)

XEV: Hello? Hello?

(Prince suddenly stands up in front of her, dressed in white)

XEV: Prince
PRINCE: Hello, Xev
XEV: What are you doing in here? Are you alive again?
PRINCE: Not as I was, hopefully not as I will be, but I am making progress. I'm here to fulfil my agreement with Kai, to bring him back to life again, should he defeat me in the game of chess
XEV: Oh yeah, right
PRINCE: Yes, really

(Prince holds out his arm - and Kai steps out from behind the cryopod - wearing a colourful Brunnen G costume, smiling)

XEV: You're alive

(Stan is asleep in his bed. Xev rushes in and wakes him)

XEV: Wake up, wake up!
STAN: What's wrong?
XEV: Relax, relax. I have wonderful news
STAN: Oh yeah?
XEV: Kai is alive

(Kai walks in, smiling)

STAN: What?
XEV: Really alive, look! Prince did it, yeah, he transformed him
STAN: (grins) Wow, well that's great! Did you say Prince, is he still here?
XEV: No, he vanished, but he made Kai come alive just like he said he would
STAN: Wow, wow. Came through on his promise, huh? Who woulda thought, huh? Well Kai, what can I say? Welcome to the land of the living
KAI: I'm very glad to be here, Stanley
XEV: We all think that. Come on, get up! We have to celebrate this

(Xev puts her arms around Kai. Stan holds his stomach)

STAN: Xev, I'd love to but I can't. My stomach is still really tender here
XEV: Oh come on
STAN: I can't!
XEV: Well - suit yourself then
STAN: I'm sorry about that Kai. We'll pick up on the whoopee later on, OK?
KAI: Oh I understand, Stanley. We've got plenty of time

(Kai and Xev leave. Stan belches)

(Later. Stan is worse. He gets out of bed, goes into the passageway - and hears Xev and Kai)

XEV: Are you kidding? We couldn't do that
KAI: Sure we could. We can do anything we want now
XEV: But - aren't you forgetting somebody?
KAI: Not at all. Some things aren't meant to be shared with too many people
XEV: Well, aren't you just the smart one?

(They laugh. Stan looks into the galley. Kai and Xev are sitting holding hands, but let go when they see Stan)

KAI: Hi Stan
XEV: Are you feeling better?
STAN: No, actually I was just on my way to the toilet to see if I can throw up
XEV: Oh, poor Stan
KAI Sorry to hear it
STAN: So what were you guys talking about?
XEV: Everything. Anything. Nothing really
KAI: Nothing
STAN: I thought I heard you planning something
XEV: Nope. Not us. We're just all still sort of in shock that Kai's alive again
STAN: Hmm, yeah, big news, yeah
KAI: Things are gonna be different now Stanley - all in good ways
STAN: Yeah, yeah, I'm sure they will (his stomach gurgles) I gotta go
XEV: Take care
KAI: Take care

(Stan goes out into the passageway - and hears Prince)

PRINCE: Sore tummy, Stanley?
STAN: Well yes actually

(Prince is behind him, blows on the back of his neck. Stan turns, gasps)

STAN: Prince. What are you doing here?
PRINCE: I'm not really here Stanley. I'm - a reflection
STAN: Whatever. What do you want?
PRINCE: I'm here to warn you, Stanley
STAN: I didn't know you cared. Warn me about what?
PRINCE: About your crew. Xev, specifically. When I brought Kai back to life I noticed an immediate change in her. Oh, now don't get me wrong, she's happy with this new development, although I sense rather less so with the new status quo, if you know what I mean (whispering in Stan's ear)
STAN: No, I don't know what you mean

(Prince walks around him)

PRINCE: I believe, that she's beginning to think that three is a crowd. And that means that she may have something in store for you, which is rather less than pleasant
STAN: That's ridiculous. Why should Xev turn on me just because Kai is suddenly breathing?

(Prince puts his arm around Stan's shoulder)

PRINCE: Sometimes people act on reason. Sometimes people act on impulse. Sometimes impulse comes from a very dark place
STAN: Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah! Prince, you're evil and you're slippery and I'm not listening to you. Just, just beat it will ya, I've got some puking to do
PRINCE: Very well Stanley. I can see that you're secure in your relationship with Xev, so there's no problem. And that means that she has no designs on you - such as procuring the key to the Lexx, for herself
STAN: Look, just, just beat it will ya?!

(He turns. Prince has gone)

(Later. Stan is coming back from the toilet, and hears Xev and Kai again)

XEV: Did you see the look on his face?
KAI: I try not to look at his face
XEV: You're so cruel
KAI: Anyway, it doesn't matter. He lives in a continuum. He does not anticipate the future or contemplate the past. He'll never see you coming - but I'll see you coming
XEV: How about right now?
KAI: I think that can be arranged
XEV: Oh, Kai

(There are moans, gasps. Stan steps into Xev's bedchamber - but she's asleep, alone)

STAN: Yeah, right

(He leaves - then there are footsteps in the room. Kai's tunic falls onto Xev's bed. He lifts the sheet off Xev)

XEV: Kai
KAI: You are so beautiful. I have been waiting for this for thousands of years
XEV: Me too

(They kiss - and then he stops, sits up)

XEV: What's wrong?
KAI: I'm sorry, it's just -
XEV: Just what? Am I doing anything wrong?
KAI: Oh no, of course not. You're - amazing, it's just - I don't know. I think my transformation left me exhausted. I need to rest before we can do this properly
XEV: I understand. Just lay down and close your eyes, and take all the time you need
KAI: Thank you, but I think I need to sleep alone

(He picks up his clothes)

XEV: But -
KAI: I'll be back (kisses her cheek) and I'll be ready

(He leaves. Xev sighs, lies back on the bed, closes her eyes - and Prince appears at her bedside. He slowly kisses her hair, ear, face, neck. Xev smiles, opens her eyes - and gasps. She scrambles up onto her knees)

XEV: You! What are you doing here, get out!
PRINCE: I didn't mean to disturb you Xev. I merely wanted to know if you were happy now that Kai has real blood coursing through his flesh

(He grins. Xev leans towards him)

XEV: Of course I'm happy - but I'll be happier still when your flesh is truly dead and gone
PRINCE: You two have a great future together - provided of course there's no interference
XEV: Interference?
PRINCE: Stanley. How will he take this new dynamic?

(He grins, ducks down the side of the bed, and vanishes)

XEV: What do you mean by that? What do you mean by that?

(Xev goes for a shower. She hears laughter and turns quickly (hands over her breasts). There is no-one there. Then she hears Stan and Kai)

STAN: Well she couldn't have been too happy about that
KAI: Not happy at all
STAN: Still, it's a good policy to keep her off balance
KAI: It worked for me - or rather, should I say it works for us
STAN: Well, seeing as how you put it that way - (laughs)

(Xev gets out of the shower, wraps a towel around her, goes out into the passageway)

XEV: Stan? Kai?

(She turns - Stan is there)

XEV: Where is Kai?
STAN: I don't know, you tell me
XEV: I heard you two talking just now
STAN: What?! I haven't seen Kai for hours. And my guts started acting up again, so I was just on my way to the toilet again - alone!
XEV: I heard you - Kai was with you and you were talking - about me!
STAN: Kai wasn't with me. We weren't talking about you. Anyway, it seems to me that you're the one who's spending a lot of time with him lately, a lot of very private time!
XEV: What are you saying?
STAN: What I'm saying, is that I heard the two of you talking about me, and I know exactly what you're up to
XEV: Talking about you when?
STAN: Earlier! In the gallery, and then in your bed!
XEV: Ha! You have a very powerful imagination, Stan
STAN: Oh, do I? Well I just happened to run into somebody who told me exactly what you're after, namely the key to the Lexx
XEV: Oh really, and who was that?
STAN: Somebody
XEV: Somebody. Somebody named Prince?
STAN: Maybe, maybe not
XEV: Oh yeah. And you trusted him?
STAN: Yeah, about as much as I trust you
XEV: Oh, thank you!
STAN: (thinks) No. No, I don't trust Prince. No, that'd be a mistake, that'd be a really big mistake
XEV: I agree. So Kai wasn't with you?
STAN: No. We're hearing things

(The cryochamber. Kai is lying on his back near the cryopod control unit. Xev walks in)

XEV: There you are. Not sleeping?
KAI: No. I couldn't
XEV: I was just in the shower a few minutes ago, and I thought I heard you and Stan talking outside in the passageway
KAI: We were

(Xev sits down beside him)

XEV: You were? But then - why did Stan lie about it?
KAI: Did he? Strange. I can't imagine why
XEV: What did you talk about?
KAI: Nothing important. Why do you ask?
XEV: I just - never mind. I can deal with that later. You said you weren't sleepy - and neither am I

(She leans over to kiss him, but he sits up)

KAI: No, Xev. I'm still not ready
XEV: But -
KAI: I need a little more time
XEV: We've waited three thousand years already
KAI: I know! But I need to think some things through
XEV: What things?
KAI: I'll be along soon - I promise

(He leaves)

XEV: I don't understand

(Stan is in a passageway - very misty)

STAN: Oh, I'm glad that's over with

(Cluster lizard Xev rolls in front of him, screeching. He stops, walks on - and she rolls behind him)

STAN: Xev? What are you doing? Xev?

(He carries on, and she rolls in front of him, just missing him. She bounces off walls, and rolls away)

STAN: If you think you're being amusing, you're not! Just cut it out!

(There's the sound of an evil laugh. Stan walks onto the bridge. Kai is sitting on the pedestal, 790 is still tied up)

STAN: There you are. OK, where's Xev?
790: I have no idea where the love slut is, and I don't care
STAN: I wasn't talking to you!
790: Then who?
STAN: Well, who do you think?!

(From 790's point of view, there is no Kai. Stan is talking to an empty space)

STAN: Look, so where is she? She was rolling behind me like a Cluster lizard, trying to scare me
KAI: That is certainly odd behaviour. The Cluster lizards are unpredictable carnivores after all. I hope this doesn't imply that she's becoming dangerous
STAN: Well yeah, you and me both pal
790: Stanley, I know you've always been a retard but you're outdoing yourself this time
KAI: I'll have a look for her myself

(Kai leaves)

STAN: Yeah, well if you find her before I do, you tell her that Stanley H Tweedle is not amused!

(Xev walks onto the bridge)

XEV: You!
STAN: You! What do you mean by trying to scare me?
XEV: Don't be stupid. Why did you lie to me?
STAN: Lie to you? Lie to you about what?
XEV: About talking to Kai outside the shower
STAN: I was not talking to Kai outside the shower - and why were you rolling by me like a Cluster lizard, trying to scare me and then laughing about it?
XEV: What are you talking about?
STAN: Oh, you know exactly what I'm talking about

(Xev pushes him)

XEV: I don't know what you're up to Stanley Tweedle but you will not get away with it, you hear me?
STAN: I'm not the one who's up to something. I don't know what you've suddenly got against me Xev but whatever it is I am not gonna let you push me around

(Stan pushes Xev - she pushes back)

XEV: But I am going to push you around, in fact maybe I should push you right off the bridge!
790: Grand idea
XEV: Oh, shut up robot head. I've got my eye on you

(She points at Stan, then walks away)

STAN: Yeah?
XEV: Yeah!
STAN: Yeah, exactly! (stomach gurgles) Oh, not again (belch) What's happening to me?
790: Maybe Xev poisoned you Stanley
STAN: Oh, you're nuts, you bucket of -
790: The way you two are fighting? The way she's been plotting against you?
STAN: (belch) You're completely nuts

(Xev is asleep on her bed - hears Stan's voice)

STAN: Xev, pretty Xev. Xev is gonna die. Torn open, ripped apart! See the blood flow, the life drain out, Xev will die, die, die!

(Xev wakes up - no-one there. She gets up and goes to Stan's bedchamber. He is asleep. She grabs him by the throat)

XEV: It won't work
STAN: What, what?!
XEV: Coming into my room, whispering about me being dead. Don't do it Stan
STAN: I didn't do anything. I wasn't in your room!
XEV: Yes you were. Next time I will kill you, do you understand? I will kill you!

(She lets go, leaves. Stan gasps, rubs his neck)

STAN: Is she crazy?

(Xev is walking along a passageway - Kai steps out behind her)

KAI: He's jealous. That's why he's behaving so strangely. Stan feels threatened now that I am alive, he knows he'll never have you, and I fear he may try to harm you because of it
XEV: So Prince was telling the truth for once. Well then I should harm him first - or maybe you should
KAI: If it comes to that, I will
XEV: Good

(Kai turns to go)

XEV: Oh, don't go. Don't you think it's time to give him something to be jealous about?
KAI: Almost, but not quite

(Kai leaves. Xev sighs)

(Stan is asleep in his bed. He hears Xev's voice)

XEV: Two can play the game of murder, the game of violent death. Two can play, Stanley - but only one can win! The other dies. The other dies. Stan dies!

(Stan wakes up - with bite marks in his arm)

STAN: Ah! She bit me. That stupid - she bit me! That is it

(Stan gets up, goes to Xev's bedchamber)

STAN: Stupid Cluster lizard. You bit me

(Xev is lying on her bed, a sheet covering her face)

STAN: Wake up and tell me why you bit me

(He pulls back the sheet - it isn't Xev underneath, but a strange robot Xev, with scratches on its face. It looks at him. Stan turns it over, shocked - and jumps back as Kai appears behind him)

KAI: She's toying with you. I suspect it may be the sadistic side of her lizard nature coming to the fore. Something in her changed when I came back to life. She became possessive, fiercely so. It's twisting her. I fear she wants to get rid of you and steal the key
STAN: So Prince was right, that is what she's trying to do. Well, you're not gonna let that happen, are ya Kai?
KAI: Not if I can stop her Stanley, but she has unnatural strength, and I no longer do
STAN: OK just, just stick with me OK Kai, protect me
KAI: Sure Stanley - I will

(Stan goes to the passageway, looks out. When he looks back, Kai has vanished)

STAN: Kai?

(Stan walks onto the bridge)

STAN: Robot
790: Security guard
STAN: Was Xev here?
790: As a matter of fact, she was. She was here a few minutes ago, looking for a weapon
STAN: She was, why?
790: I don't know
STAN: You're just yanking my chain
790: If you say so
STAN: Oh Xev? Xev? Xev!

(Stan leaves. 790 chuckles)

(Stan goes into the galley)

STAN: Xev, are you in here?

(He sees a cake by the nozzle, picks it up)

STAN: Oh, excellent - just when I was getting really hungry
NOZZLE: I wouldn't do that if I were you
STAN: Huh?! Who said that?

(The nozzle is talking - clear fluid trickling from it, rather than the usual green Lexx goo)

NOZZLE: I did. She poisoned it, just like she did to your berry earlier. Why do you think your guts are going so crazy?
STAN: Crazy, you want crazy? You're a nozzle
NOZZLE: So are you. Can't you see what she's doing here? She's trying to kill you, idiot
STAN: Oh yeah? When did Xev ever have a chance to poison my berry, huh?
NOZZLE: When you weren't looking, dummy. Listen pal, it's crunch time. The bitch has your number Stan, and it's the number dead! Now, are you going to do something about it?
STAN: You're just a nozzle, why should I listen to you?
NOZZLE: Because I'm the one who can show you what your future looks like if you don't!

(The nozzle spews red liquid onto the floor. Stan drops the cake and runs)

(Xev walks onto the bridge)

XEV: 790, have you seen Stan?
790: I have. He was here a few minutes ago, looking for a weapon
XEV: He was? Why?
790: I don't know

(Xev hears Kai scream, and runs from the bridge. 790 chuckles)

(Xev finds Kai in the passageway, with blood on his hand from a cut on his shoulder)

XEV: Kai, what happened?
KAI: Stan did this to me - stabbed me and ran off. He's completely mad
XEV: Let me help you
KAI: No no, I'll be OK - but you have to protect yourself. Go and find some weapons
XEV: Where?
KAI: I don't know! Find some!
XEV: All right

(Stan is running down a passageway, pauses for breath)

LEXX: Kill her, Stan - for me
STAN: Oh, Lexx. Lexx old buddy. I'm glad to know you're on my side
LEXX: I have always been on your side Stan. I always. It's me and you Stan, you and me. Don't let the love slave cow steal the key. Kill her. Chop her up into little pieces
STAN: Yes. Yes, I intend to do just that! Oh yes (thinks) How?
LEXX: Why don't you use that little axe over there?

(An axe is stuck in the wall - looks like something left over from Fire)

STAN: Good idea, Lexx old pal

(Stan takes the axe)

(Xev is walking along a passageway. She has also found a weapon, some sort of pike. She hears Stan)

STAN: Come on, love slave. I'm ready for you - are you ready for me?
XEV: You better believe it

(She sees Stan in the passageway ahead of her - his head suddenly grows huge)

STAN: The bigger the head the better
XEV: You can't scare me

(The huge-headed Stan runs around a corner. Xev follows, hissing)

(Elsewhere, Stan is walking down a passageway. Light shines in his eyes, and he tries to shoo it away with his axe. He hears the shower, and walks in. Kai and Xev are in the shower together, all over each other. Stan stops, lowers his axe. They look at him)

KAI: Join the party, Stanley!
XEV: Time for you to get wet!

(They waggle really long tongues. Stan turns away. When he looks back, they are gone)

(Xev is in a passageway, hears moans)

XEV: Gotcha!

(She goes into Stan's bedchamber. Someone is wriggling around under the sheets. Stan sits up, smiling. He pulls the sheets up to reveal Kai's head at the other end of the bed)

STAN: We'd ask you to join us, but tonight's not amateur night
KAI: I like to bed people who know what they're doing - not like you. You don't have a clue how to please a man!

(Stan and Kai laugh. Xev looks shocked, hurt)

STAN: Stick around, you might learn something!

(He laughs, then pulls sheets back over them. Xev looks away, looks back - and the bed is empty. She runs out)

(Stan goes onto the bridge)

STAN: Where is she?
790: Lying in wait. She came by and said she had laid a trap for you that you're sure to fall into. She was foaming at the mouth, talking in lurid detail about how she's going to kill you - slowly, torturously
STAN: Oh yeah?

(Xev appears on the view screen - eyes red, voice distorted. The lights on the bridge are flickering. 790 can only see stars on the view screen)

XEV: Die, you pathetic excuse for a captain! Find me and kill me if you can. This hunt is nearly over. Soon I'll be cutting you up like the pig you are
STAN: Well, I've got two words for you space lizard - good luck! Because I'm gonna find you Xev, and I am gonna kill you, oh yes - and I'm gonna take my time, and I'm gonna really really enjoy it, and every time you scream (licks axe) I'm gonna laugh! Yeah, I'm gonna win, you hear that? Captain Stan is going to win!
PRINCE: Stanley!

(Stan turns, sees Prince standing in the passageway)

PRINCE: Over here, Xev went this way, quickly

(Prince leaves, Stan follows)

(Xev is in a passageway, and suddenly sees Vlad, dancing with Kai)

VLAD: Hello, Xev
XEV: No, Kai - get away from her

(But they carry on dancing)

KAI: I can't. She's such a marvellous dancer
XEV: What? No, this is a set-up
VLAD: Actually, it's a pas de deux

(Kai twirls away from her)

VLAD: Compliments of Stan

(She fires her impaler into Kai. He falls. Xev screams and runs to him)

XEV: Kai!

(Vlad blows a kiss, slips away. Prince appears)

PRINCE: I'd say that definitely calls for revenge

(Prince leaves. Xev grabs her pike and runs onto the bridge)

XEV: Where is he?
790: Lying in wait. He came by and said that he had laid a trap for you that you're sure to fall into. He was foaming at the mouth, talking in lurid detail about how he was going to kill you - slowly, torturously
XEV: Oh yeah?
STAN: Ah, there you are

(Stan appears on the view screen - covered in blood, licking his axe)

XEV: Stan, what are you doing?

STAN: Practising. You know, murder up close and personal is really easy once you get used to it. Can't wait to try it out on you
XEV: Oh yeah? Hang onto that dream, because it's going to become a nightmare once I find you. I'm far better at killing than you are, you know that. Besides, only one of us is going to come out of this alive Stan, and that one is me! I'm going to feel good watching the life drain out of your eyes

(Stan is behind her)

STAN: Well let's get started. Are you ready to die?
XEV: Are you?

(They chase each other around the bridge)

STAN: Well one of us is gonna die, that's for sure
XEV: I agree
790: So come on already! Stop chattering and start stabbing!
STAN: There's no way I'm gonna let you take the key from me
XEV: I don't want it! I'm killing you because you're jealous and out of control
STAN: Jealous and out of control? Oh no no, I'm just getting you before you get me
XEV: No you aren't, because that's what I'm doing
STAN: Don't give me that! You're the attacker here. You bit me, you tried to poison me - I'm the victim, you know? At least, that was your plan
XEV: You're crazy! You've been trying to kill me ever since - ever since Kai came back to life
STAN: You liar! I've been on to your schemes from the beginning
XEV: Your sick schemes!
790: Cut the conversation, cut some throats!
XEV: You started this, and I have to finish it!
STAN: Oh no, you started it
XEV: You!
STAN: You!
XEV: Well - we can't both have started it, right?

(They both think about this)

XEV: Stan - do you think maybe something - something is affecting us? or someone?
STAN: What, what do you mean, who?
XEV: I don't know. Something doesn't feel right here. Maybe it's those berries
STAN: Well, I don't know
790: What simpering cack is this? It's laughter time!
XEV: Maybe we should start putting our weapons down, just for a minute, huh?
STAN: I know - just to see how it feels?
XEV: Uh huh
STAN: Together? Huh?

(They slowly lower their weapons)

XEV: Feels good so far
STAN: So far so good. Bit calmer
XEV: Yeah, me too

(And then Xev sees Kai standing behind Stan)

KAI: Don't do it, it's a ploy. He'll kill you

(And Stan sees Kai standing behind Xev)

KAI: Don't do it, it's a ploy. She'll kill you

(Both Kais vanish. Stan and Xev stand up, weapons ready)

STAN: Oh nice try!
XEV: Oh nice try!

(Stan runs off the bridge. Xev chases after him)

790: Now we're talking

(Xev catches up with Stan in the cryochamber)

STAN: Die, you double crossing whore!
XEV: Die, you lying creep!

(She knocks Stan's axe away. Stan falls to the floor, bumping into the cryopod control unit, which is covered in vines. Kai's cryopod opens. Xev aims her pike at Stan)

KAI: Stop!
XEV: What do you mean, stop? You just told me to kill him
KAI: I did no such thing
XEV: Yes you did, just now on the bridge

(Normal dead Kai gets out of his cryopod)

KAI: I have been in my cryopod since Stan ate Lyekka's berry
XEV: What? (looks at Kai) Well, I don't know what kind of deal you made to get Kai on your side Tweedle but I can see right through it. You die now!

(She lunges at Stan, but Kai takes the pike away from her)

STAN: Thanks Kai

(Stan pulls a small knife from his pocket)

STAN: Now I'm gonna kill her, like you told me to
KAI: I did not tell you to kill Xev
STAN: Yes you did
KAI: I did not

(Kai takes the knife away from him. Stan looks confused)

(Later, in the cryochamber. Kai disconnects a sensor from Xev, switches off the protein regenerator)

KAI: You're both clean. The Gelassa berries were not what they seemed, just as the Yowratang plant left for me was misrepresented

(He looks at the cryopod control unit)

XEV: How did it get in there?
STAN: Well - looks like it grew in there
KAI: Its roots have penetrated the cryopod control unit and destroyed many of its functions
STAN: Well can you fix it, will you be able to freeze yourself?
KAI: No. None of us will

(They all go onto the bridge)

STAN: You, you - !
XEV: 790, you saw what was happening all along! Why didn't you try to stop us?
STAN: Yeah, instead of egging us on, huh?!
790: You really have to ask?
STAN: Ah, shut up
KAI: Clearly Lyekka intended to eliminate us by having us destroy each other
XEV: Which means she lied to us and she's probably gonna eat the whole Earth and not just Japan
STAN: Oh, Lyekka, Lyekka, Lyekka
XEV: Which means we have to go back there
STAN: Whoa, no no no no. Forget about Earth. We are gonna find a new planet - and I don't care how long it takes

(He gets up onto the pedestal)

KAI: You can do that, but it will be without me
XEV: Why?
KAI: If I cannot be frozen, I can only remain animated until I am out of protoblood, which will not be long
XEV: How long?
STAN: How long?
KAI: Days - or a few weeks at best

(790 wails. Stan gets down and kicks him)

© Filking Fairy

© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana

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