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Lexx 4.19 Haley's Comet
(written by Paul Donovan)

(A capsule is floating in space. Meanwhile, the Lexx leaves Earth. Xev is exercising on the bridge, Stan is on the pedestal)

STAN: Goodbye, little blue planet! I feel good - how about you?
XEV: Yeah - I feel pretty good too
STAN: Hey Lexx, what about you, you feel good?
LEXX: I feel good too, captain - and I will feel even better when I eat that little tiny snack ahead of us
STAN: Good Lexx, good, yeah. Well now captain Stanley is going off to have himself a long overdue very pleasant uninterrupted sleep

(He gets down from the pedestal, heads off the bridge)

XEV: What tiny little snack?
STAN: Who cares?!
XEV: I do
STAN: You care about Lexx's snacks?
XEV: I'm just curious, that's all
STAN: You poor lizard. OK Lexx, let's see the snack that you're about to eat

(The capsule appears on the view screen)

LEXX: It is very small, and is crunchy on the outside, and chewy on the inside
STAN: See? It's a piece of space junk. You satisfied? Enjoy your snack, Lexx

(Stan leaves the bridge. Xev looks at the view screen. Then there's a ringing sound)

XEV: Stan! Stan!

(Stan comes back reluctantly)

STAN: What is it now?

(Xev nods her head at the view screen)

STAN: So, it's a snack that makes noise
XEV: I don't think it's just a snack that makes noise, Stan. It's someone trying to contact us
STAN: And you want - ?

(He points at the view screen. Xev nods)

STAN:(sighs) Oh Tweedle, this is a mistake (onto pedestal) Xev, no matter who it is, or what it is, we are not going back to Earth, OK?

(Xev nods)

STAN: OK Lexx, make contact
LEXX: As you command, captain
VOICE: Hello?
STAN: Yeah yeah yeah, who is it?
VOICE: Hello?
VOICE: We've been rescued!
VOICE: Hey rescue dudes, like, whoa!
STAN: Like what?
XEV: (smiles) Whoa
STAN: Whoa

(Inside the capsule. Two guys - Josh and Ryan - and two girls - Haley and Amber)

JOSH: They took the bait!
HALEY: What do you mean, they took the bait?
RYAN: Hello Lexx. Sayonara Earth

(Ryan and Josh high-5, and laugh)

(Moth flies to the capsule. Kai space walks and waves at them through a window, then points at the moth. The moth tows the capsule back to the Lexx)

(On board, they get the guided tour - everyone walks into the galley)

STAN: And here, is where we eat. Lexx - food please

(A thin trickle of food squirts out. They sound disgusted, and Stan grins. Ryan sticks his finger in some, tries it)

HALEY: Does it contain animal products?
STAN: I don't know, do you count insects as animals?
STAN: Well, the Lexx is an insect, and this food - if you can call it that! - is a product of the Lexx, so - does that answer your question?
HALEY: It does

(Xev watches Ryan lick his fingers)

RYAN: It's like, totally totally bland, but I'm like really really hungry, so no problemo
AMBER: Is it organic?
STAN: Well, it comes from an organ. It comes from - a very big organ

(Amber pulls a face)

XEV: The Lexx's food organ. Yeah, the Lexx makes all the food we want as long as he's had something to eat himself, and since he just ate Holland it's like hey, no problemo
AMBER: It reminds me of that food they served at that overpriced American private school that Haley went to in Croydon (?)

(They all laugh - except Haley. Amber lets her hair down - and looks at Kai. 790 snarls)

(All onto the bridge)

JOSH: The Earth is a dying planet dude, that's why we're up here
STAN: Well that's why we're up here too
RYAN: Excellent!
AMBER: And that's why we're leaving it
JOSH: Kyoto, man
RYAN: Globalisation
AMBER: World Trade Organisation
HALEY: No free trade and agriculture
RYAN: The planet is like totally controlled by evil forces
STAN: Well hey, I'm with you there. Hey, don't stand so close to the edge, that's dangerous!
XEV: Do you guys like sex?
JOSH: Yeah!
XEV: Good. See - I'm a love slave, and I went down to Earth so I could find men to have sex with, but it never worked out. I think that is because it's a Type 13 planet controlled by evil forces. So now we want to find a new and better planet where they have more sex more often - a lot more often
RYAN: That's, like - great
AMBER: We're trying to get the message out. Will you help us?
XEV: Sure. What message?
RYAN: That the big corporations rule everything
HALEY: We want it to stop. And we want reparations for the people, all the people
JOSH: The corporations must be made to pay, dude
STAN: This may make sense to you guys but I have no idea what you're talking about
RYAN: OK, OK, check this out - Haley's dad is like this big rich corporate dude, and she has a huge trust fund and we used the money to pay the Russians in Kazakhstan, you know, Star City, where they send up all the Sputniks and stuff to blast us up here into space
HALEY: So we could get the message to the people
JOSH: It was an old Comet class capsule that never got used
RYAN: And we have a laptop with all the right codes for like the TV satellites and stuff but the antenna got busted on the launch or something so like he we are, up in space like totally disconnected from ground control
STAN: So - just let me see if I understand this - you went up into space in that, that tin can, so that you could broadcast a message back to Earth
RYAN: Exactly
STAN: OK. And you want us to help you go back so you can do that
RYAN: Dude, you like totally got it!
STAN: Well, we're not gonna do it
HALEY: Why not?
STAN: Because we put the Earth behind us. It's a bad planet and we don't want anything ever to do with it
JOSH: What do you mean, put the Earth behind you?
STAN: I mean, that we are going far far away from the Earth, never to return, and with any luck we'll never even have to think about it ever again
AMBER: But I have to be back next week for the Earth Fest in Trieste (to Kai) Have you ever been to Trieste?
HALEY: I don't understand. Where would you live then, on the space station?
STAN: What space station?
AMBER: This one

(Stan and Xev laugh. Stan gets up on the pedestal)

STAN: Oh no. This is not a space station. This is the Lexx - the most powerful force of destruction ever built in the two universe, and I am the captain
XEV: He is the captain
ALL: Wow

(Later. Stan, Xev and Kai are standing talking quietly, while the others are sitting on the bridge)

XEV: Stan, we haven't gone that far yet. Maybe we should just swing back round to Earth and drop them off
STAN: Xev, you promised! We agreed that we were never gonna go back there
XEV: Well, we're probably still close enough to send them back in a moth
STAN: Yeah? Yeah, we could do that

(He looks at Amber and Haley)

STAN: We could do something else
XEV: Like what?
STAN: We could bring them with us

(Xev looks at the girls)

XEV: What do you have in mind?
STAN: Well, maybe we could just send the guys back in a moth, you know? Well look, the crew is unbalanced here, we need a couple more females
XEV: I think it's the girls who wanna go back, if anyone
STAN: We're in no hurry. We can just bring them with us for a while and if things work out the way captain Stan would like, well then great. If it doesn't, we can just drop them off someplace pleasant - or unpleasant, depends on how they behave
XEV: Kai, what do you think?
KAI: I think - the dead should not intrude in the affairs of the living

(Kai heads for a passageway. Amber stops him, her hand on his arm. 790 and Xev watch)

AMBER: Wow, weird cloth. Can you machine wash this, or do you have to take it to the dry cleaners?
KAI: It is made of very small living structures strung together. It cleans itself
790: Get your fingers off my man, you evil tramp!
AMBER: Excuse me?
790: I am a psychotically jealous robot head in love with a dead man, and I've been watching you and I can see the need to corpse-cuddle growing in your wicked little eyes!
AMBER: He's funny
STAN: Actually no, he's not funny. He's an evil and a dangerous robot head and his programming is totally defective. He actually is in love with Kai, so I just recommend that you stay away from him. Stay away from Kai too because he's dead, he's got no interest in women
AMBER: Is that true?
KAI: Yes

(Kai leaves)

STAN: But now, umm, see, if you -

(Amber ignores him, and follows Kai. Stan tries to follow her, but Josh pulls him back)

JOSH: Now this ship is really some weird secret NASA thing except you're not allowed to tell me the truth, right?
STAN: No, this actually is the Lexx
RYAN: And you're the captain
STAN: Yes, I'm the captain. Now I gotta go, OK?
RYAN: Dude, I don't believe you
STAN: Don't believe what?
RYAN: You don't exactly look like a captain
STAN: (cross) I don't look like a captain. Come over here

(Stan gets up on the pedestal, activates the template)

STAN: Lexx, who's your captain?
LEXX: You are my one and only captain, captain Stan
RYAN: Cool. How do you control it?
STAN: Well, like you just saw, I've got this key and I just -
RYAN: Just what?
STAN: Nothing
JOSH: Nothing?
RYAN: Dude, get real
STAN: I said nothing! Everything else is on a need to know basis, and you two do not need to know

(Stan gets down from the pedestal, and leaves the bridge)

HALEY: We've got to get them to broadcast the message. That's what this is all about
JOSH: You're right Haley
HALEY: How are we gonna do it?
JOSH: Well, we're gonna have to make 'em like us
HALEY: Like us how?
JOSH: Really like us. We're gonna have to put out for them, if we expect them to perform for us
RYAN: You get the captain, Haley
HALEY: He's like, way over 30! And anyway, how can I, when -
JOSH: When what?
HALEY: You and I , you know -
JOSH: We what? Don't worry. This is just a practical thing. It won't affect you and me (he kisses her) We've all gotta make sacrifices Haley, to get the word out to the people!

(Ryan and Josh walk away from Haley)

RYAN: I have to ask, how you ever managed to get it up with her
JOSH: I just closed my eyes and thought of the trust fund

(They laugh)

(Amber has followed Kai into the cryochamber)

AMBER: You're dangerous, aren't you?
KAI: Yes
AMBER: Wow. Is this where you sleep?
KAI: I do not sleep, but I do spend most of my time in this cryopod in a state of suspended animation to preserve my protoblood

(Amber gets inside his cryopod)

AMBER: Are you aware of anything when you're in it?
AMBER: Why aren't you in it now?
KAI: Stan and Xev reanimate me, when they think they may need my assistance, such as when they encounter an unknown craft in space

(Amber gets out of the cryopod)

AMBER: You mean - like us?

(She moves closer, strokes his lovelock)

KAI: What do you want, Amber?
AMBER: I don't know - I'm confused

(She moves in for a kiss - and 790 appears)

790: Confused? She is an evil witch who's trying to cast a spell on my dead man, who really wants to cuddle with my casing, only he doesn't realise it. Kai - use your brace and kill her so I don't have to endure her grating voice any longer!
KAI: I will not do that, 790
AMBER: What is your brace?
KAI: This
AMBER: What does it do?
KAI: It kills people
AMBER: Have you killed anyone with it?
KAI: I was an assassin with the Divine Order for 2000 years. I have killed many people
AMBER: Show me how it works
790: Show her Kai - by killing her!

(Kai holds some of her hair, then steps back. He fires his brace past Amber, and as it comes back it cuts a lock of her hair, which falls onto 790. Kai leaves. Amber crouches down, picks up the hair, and smiles)

790: He is not interested in you
AMBER: What makes you say that?
790: He has not had sex in over 6000 years and has no interest in anyone - especially stupid tarts with tacky clothes!
AMBER: I might be interested in him
790: I won't allow it!
AMBER: You won't?
790: No I will not. Stay far away from my man, or -
AMBER: Or what?
790: Or I'll do whatever I have to to stop you
AMBER: And what would that be?
790: I'll run you down! I'll scramble your programming! I'll bite you if I get the chance! I'll -

(790 tries to wheel against Amber, but she holds him back)

AMBER: I think you're overheating

(She leaves)

790: But I love him. I love him! Kai! I love you, and she's just a cheap floozy trying to add you to her trophy shelf!

(The Lexx flies past Saturn. Xev's bedchamber - she is on top of Josh, undoing his shirt)

JOSH: I find it hard to love those who are destroying the Earth
XEV: Don't worry. We agreed not to blow up your planet
JOSH: I always knew you were hot Xev but - you're even hotter in the flesh

(Xev takes his shirt off)

XEV: How did you know I was hot?
JOSH: I saw you. The whole world saw you. First on the Internet, and then on that TV show. And now here I am with you, that's totally cool
XEV: No - totally hot
JOSH: Red hot - which you are. And which Stanley is not, so why is he the captain and not your babelicious self?
XEV: Because he has the key to the Lexx
JOSH: And how did he get it?
XEV:(sighs) That's a long story

(In a passageway, 790 wheels up to Stan)

790: Dear dear good old pal buddy buddy flawed but ever loveable Stan - I'm desperate. You have to help me
STAN: Forget it 790, you're not convincing. Listen, you seen Amber?
790: I have, pus breath. Let's make a deal. I'll do anything you want, you name it, as long as you kill the scheming bitch for me
STAN: What?!
790: Amber, she's after Kai
STAN: What, you want me to murder her?!
790: Call it what you want, I consider it a mercy killing. Just end her life, please!
STAN: And you think I'm gonna murder somebody just like that?
790: I haven't exactly observed a solid moral streak in you, so yes
STAN: No 790, no way. I am not going to do it
790: Please?!
STAN: No 790, what are you - ten times no - forget it!

(790 starts wailing. Stan crouches down)

STAN: Look, look, would you just - wait. I'll make a deal with you
790: What?
STAN: OK. Now you convince Amber to do some, you know, dirty dancing with me, and I'll do my best to make sure that she stays away from Kai
790: I will have nothing to do with your filthy schemes
STAN: OK. Fine. Because sooner or later she's gonna get tired of going after the dead guy, and so Stan the man's gonna get his way in the end anyway

(Stan gets up - Haley is in the passageway behind him)

HALEY: Captain Stanley?

(790 leaves)

HALEY: I have something for you

(She tosses her hair. Stan smiles)

(Back in Xev's bedchamber, she is reciting the comings and goings of the key)

XEV: And then Lyekka we think, who gave it to a moth breeder, who gave it to Bunny - that's the First Lady - who gave it back to a moth breeder, then back to Bunny, and then Stan got it back
JOSH: Whoa! I'd like how?
XEV: Why do you wanna know?
JOSH: Hey, I'm a curious guy - it's a part of my nature
XEV: It's part of my nature too, but -
JOSH: What?
XEV: Can I trust you?
JOSH: Xev, you can trust me, I promise (kisses her)
XEV: Good. See, you can only get the key if the person who has it is brought to either the extreme of sexual ecstasy, or the edge of death
JOSH: Cool. Totally and excellently cool

(He kisses her head, tries to leave, but she pushes him onto the bed)

XEV: Totally and excellently hot

(She kisses him, but he rolls away from her)

JOSH: Hang in there babe. Stay frosty - I mean, hot - and I'll be right back

(He leaves disappointed Xev, and meets up with Ryan and Amber)

RYAN: We have totally hit the jackpot, I can't believe that this is all working
AMBER: Look, I'll do the man in black, but not the captain, no way!
RYAN: The man in black does not have the key, OK? And he's dead so, forget it
JOSH: Amber, you have to go like right now and pounce on Tweedle before Haley does anything and gets the key for herself
AMBER: OK, I really can't see Haley bringing anyone anywhere near the edge of sexual ecstasy - even him
JOSH: She's right about that
AMBER: I say we just kill the captain
JOSH: I would agree - if it wasn't for the dude in black and his brace thing
RYAN: I've read loads of ATF files about people, he totally shish-kebabed them
AMBER: We have to put the dead man on ice
JOSH: Yeah!
RYAN: So how do we do that?
AMBER: Men always do what I want
RYAN: Oh yeah?
AMBER: Trust me
RYAN: Why?
AMBER: You did. Look, it's not like this is the first time I ever lowered myself purely for personal gain. I did sleep with both of you, right?

(She smiles, pats their faces, and walks away. They smile - then Ryan points at Josh)

RYAN: Did you - ?

(Stan leads Haley by the hand into his bedchamber, chuckling. He lies on his bed)

STAN: Well Haley - what is it you want?
HALEY: I want to -
STAN: Hmm?
HALEY: Sleep. With you
STAN: That's great! (laughs) Now, I assume by sleep with me you don't mean lie down and have a little snooze? No

(Stan slowly runs his hand up his thigh, to his crotch)

STAN: But, like so many women you're just overcome by my manhood and you find yourself compelled to jump on me and enjoy my studly self to the fullest. Am I right?

(She nods, but she's really not comfortable)

STAN: Well - I'm ready. Do your worst

(He sits up, takes her hand)

STAN: You could start - by ripping off my clothes

(He licks her fingers. She slaps his face)

HALEY: How dare you, creep!
STAN: (rubs face) What did you do that for?!
HALEY: Josh and Ryan may want me to, but I won't do it!

(She runs out of the bedchamber)

STAN: But I got - (looks down) - uh!

(Xev's bedchamber. She is playing with a pillow when Josh comes back)

JOSH: Hiya babe
XEV: Hi Josh

(He undoes his shirt, jumps back on the bed)

JOSH: So, where were we? Are you ready to resume playing hide the salami with Mr Big Meat, 'cause I feel like a wild bull tonight!

(Xev pulls him down onto the bed - Haley is watching from the doorway, shocked)

JOSH: Xev, you're like Miss Hot Wings, baby - you're like Miss Super Spicy Hot Wings - Miss Super Spicy Hot Wings with extra cayenne
HALEY: Josh?!
JOSH: Haley! (he gets up) Hi
HALEY: Admit it - you were only interested in me for my trust fund
JOSH: OK, you got me - I admit it
HALEY: How could you do that?
JOSH: I had to - to get the message out Haley - to the people
HALEY: I don't believe you. I don't believe anything you say. I bet everything you ever told me was a lie!
JOSH: Not everything - just 99%

(He laughs, puts his hand over his mouth. Haley looks at Xev, who clearly feels sorry for her)

HALEY: You can have him. He says he cares about the planet, but all he really cares about is himself. I wish I'd never met you Josh

(She leaves. He laughs, and looks at Xev - who is not happy)

JOSH: What, her? Ah come on, don't worry. Haley's like (makes crazy sign) and you're like - mmm

(Haley runs along a passageway in tears - and meets 790)

790: Ever have the urge to kill someone?
790: I know the feeling - well

(Stan's bedchamber. He sighs, gets off the bed, walks around it. Amber walks in behind him, gets onto bed and startles him by climbing through the eyehole)

STAN: Amber!
AMBER: I've never been this close to a real live captain before
STAN: Well, there's - there's always a first time for everything

(She puts her hands on Stan's shoulders, leans closer)

AMBER: I really really wanna be with you, Captain Stanley, it's just that I can't stop thinking about someone else
STAN: Who?
AMBER: Kai. There's something really special about him
STAN: Yeah, he's dead - which means that he can never satisfy you the way a real live man can
AMBER: I wish I could get him out of my head! It would make things so much easier for us

(She strokes his face, and sighs. Stan gets an idea)

STAN: You, you just wait here a second, OK?
STAN: Yeah

(He runs out. She grins)

(The cryochamber. Kai is programming the cryopod, while Stan tires to talk him into it)

STAN: I'm just thinking of your best interests here Kai, you know, the longer you're up the more protoblood you waste. It makes sense for you to shut down for a while

(Kai gets into the cryopod)

KAI: What if you need me to protect you?
STAN: Well if we need you we'll wake you, OK? Nighty night

(Stan closes the cryopod, laughs)

STAN: Oh Amber, get ready for some real live man meat! Oh yeah

(Stan leaves - and Ryan emerges from hiding in the cryochamber)

RYAN: Excellent. Sleep tight, dead man

(He leaves)

(Stan heads back to his bedchamber)

STAN: Oh Amber, hope you're as ready as I am

(Xev's bedchamber - she's lying on her bed with Josh)

JOSH: I mean, I'm talking extra hot. I'm talking extra spicy

(Ryan walks in)

RYAN: Josh! We're set man
JOSH: That's great - can you come back later?
RYAN: So - I'm gonna go tell Amber she doesn't have to do what she doesn't wanna do with the captain
JOSH: That's great. Bye Ryan

(Ryan leaves)

XEV: What does Amber not have to do with the captain?
JOSH: Oh I don't know - I think it's something between her and Ryan. Who cares?(he kisses her)
XEV: I care(she kisses him)

(Stan walks into his bedchamber)

STAN: Hey Amber, you don't have to think about Kai - Amber? Amber!

(Ryan walks in behind him)

STAN: Hey, you seen Amber?
RYAN: No, why?
STAN: Oh, no

(Stan goes to leave - Ryan stops him)

RYAN: Forget it man - you're definitely not her type
STAN: Listen kid - experience does count for something. You just might learn that one day. Amber!

(Stan leaves - and Amber comes out from behind the moth bed)

AMBER: What about Kai?
RYAN: Cool
AMBER: Excellent
RYAN: So - you gonna kill him - or bonk him?
AMBER: Maybe both (smiles)

(The bridge. Haley is leaning over the edge, reaching for something)

790: It's in a piece of manmade infrastructure, so the Lexx didn't absorb it like it does most other things. Lucky I spotted it

(Haley pulls out a blackpak)

HALEY: What is it?
790: It's called a blackpak. It's the solution to all your problems - and mine

(She pulls it from its holster)

790: Careful

(Stan is in a passageway)

STAN: Amber! Amber! Amber! Amber! Amber!

(He goes into the cryochamber. Amber is there, stroking Kai's cryopod)

STAN: Oh, there you are
AMBER: He looks like he's sleeping
STAN: No, no, he's frozen actually. Yeah, yeah, he kept going on about how his protoblood was running out and how he needed to go into cryostasis and then he just closed the lid on himself
AMBER: When will he wake up?
STAN: Oh, could be months, maybe years even. Yeah, but in the meantime (puts his arm around her) why don't you and I retire to captain Stan's place for a little one on one?
STAN: Yeah?

(He grins. She grimaces)

(Ryan is in a passageway when he sees Haley, holding the blackpak)

RYAN: Whoa
HALEY: Haley has a lot of unresolved issues, and all you have to do is throw her a few scraps of affection and she's your slave, right? It doesn't even have to be real affection, because you can fake it easily, because she can't tell the difference. But she's been useful, hasn't she?

(Ryan laughs)

HALEY: You really care about the planet, don't you Ryan?
RYAN: I do. I care about the planet
HALEY: You just used me for my trust fund. You needed my money to pay the Russians to launch the Comet capsule
RYAN: Good Haley - what's that thing in your hands?

(Meanwhile, back in Stan's bedchamber -)

STAN: Amber Amber Amber Amber

(She pushes him back onto the bed, he laughs)

STAN: You're strong

(She undoes his uniform)

STAN: Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah. Nice start. Oh yes

(She takes off her blouse)

AMBER: Turn around
STAN: Turn around? OK

(He turns around, on his hands and knees. She slaps his bottom. He laughs)

STAN: Stanley likey!

(She blindfolds him)

STAN: We're gonna have some fun. Oh Amber, you make me feel good

(She laughs - and pulls a razor out of the back pocket of her trousers. She flicks it open, runs a finger along the blade)

STAN: Amber?

(Meanwhile, back in the passageway -)

RYAN: OK Haley, I'll come clean. You know Josh and I can hack into anything? Well about a year ago we hacked into an ATF server - the Department of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms - who really do control everything. We got to learn about the Lexx, and how the Earth was going down the crapper. So we thought it would be the best thing to get off the planet and onto the Lexx - and now here we are
HALEY: So all that stuff about getting the message out to the people was just a big lie
RYAN: Well - kind of a lie. We're not exactly against that, but the Earth is a very sick planet, as you yourself always say, so we thought it would be the best idea to get off the planet and go somewhere else. And look - we are off the planet. Me, Amber, Josh - and you, Haley. We're rescued. We are the lucky ones
HALEY: I don't feel lucky
RYAN: I do

(Amber runs the razor gently along Stan's back)

STAN: That's nice. Oh that feels - you make me feel soo good

HALEY: And this thing in my hand is called a blackpak
RYAN: What's that do?

(He holds up his hands, nervous)

HALEY: Let's find out. I hope it hurts

(She vapourises him. 790 wheels up behind her)

(In his bedchamber, Stan hears the sound, sits up)

STAN: What was that?

(Xev hears it as well. She gets off her bed)

JOSH: What?

AMBER: You tell me

(Stan takes off the blindfold, she quickly puts the razor away)

STAN: It sounded like a blackpak, only it couldn't have been

(She tries to distract him, but he gets off the bed)

STAN: Coming?
AMBER: Not likely

XEV: I've just got to check out something
JOSH: But baby - my booster rocket is fuelled up and ready to launch like right now
XEV: Well - you'll have to keep it in the upright launch position till I'm back

(She leaves)

HALEY: Where's Ryan?
790: Gone
HALEY: Gone where?
790: Gone away - forever
HALEY: You just said it would hurt him!
790: I'm sure it did hurt him - but it also killed him. How does it feel?
790: That makes me happy

(Amber runs onto the bridge. Haley and 790 are already there)

AMBER: Where's Ryan?
AMBER: Gone where?
HALEY: Away - but he told me everything before he left
AMBER: What everything?
HALEY: Just - everything. You know
AMBER: I don't know
790: Haley is going to kill you, you conniving tramp
AMBER: Yeah, right. If that's all you have to say I'm leaving here, tout suite
HALEY: That's right, you are leaving here, because like the robot head said you'll be dead - tout suite
AMBER: Haley - you've always been a few French fries short of a happy meal, but this is taking things a bit far
HALEY: No it isn't. You guys used me and you deserve to die
790: And she's going to kill you - just like she killed Ryan
AMBER: You killed Ryan?
HALEY: Yes I did - with this thing

(Haley pulls out the blackpak, and giggles)

AMBER: I don't believe you

(Haley aims at her)

HALEY: Believe me
AMBER: Even if you did, why would you want to kill me? All I've ever wanted to do was to broadcast to the people
HALEY: That's a lie
790: You're a scheming bitch!
HALEY: Killing you will make me feel good, which is something I haven't felt much recently
AMBER: You can't be serious
HALEY: I am. Deadly serious. You don't care about Haley and you never did. Haley was just a wallet to you
AMBER: I told Ryan and Josh we should have gotten rid of you the second we blasted off. You know why they didn't? Because there was no way to get you out of the capsule and they didn't want your dead body to stink the place up!
HALEY: You are a scheming bitch
AMBER: And you're sick in the head
790: Exactly. Now pull the trigger
AMBER: Haley - I'm gonna take that thing away from you
HALEY: No, you're not
AMBER: Yes I am
790: Shoot!
AMBER: Haley, you've always been a good girl who's done what she's been told. That's not gonna change now
HALEY: Haley's not a good girl anymore
AMBER: Haley -
HALEY: Amber -

(Amber tries to grab the blackpak - and is vapourised. Haley laughs)

790: Bitchslapped!

(Stan walks onto the bridge behind Haley)

STAN: Amber -

(Haley turns, blackpak in hand. Stan runs back out into the passageway)

790: Why didn't you shoot?!
HALEY: I don't know. What do I do now?
790: We finish the job. You're a serial killer now. You have to get rid of the rest of the crew - all of them - especially Xev. She's the most dangerous. Stan is only the captain because he has the key to the Lexx inside him. As soon as you kill him the key will fly out of his rotten flesh and go into you, and you will be captain of the Lexx and can rule the universe! Quick - pick me up and take the other exit. We have to cut Stan off before he can get to Kai in the cryochamber

(Haley picks 790 up off his trolley, and runs from the bridge)

(Stan runs down the passageway into the cryochamber)

STAN: Kai! Kai! Kai! Ah!

(Haley is already there. Stan hides behind a column, but Haley vapourises it. He runs out of the cryochamber)

HALEY: I missed him!
790: I can't tell you how disappointed I am. Now pick me up and bring me over to Kai

(She does. He sighs, drools)

HALEY: Don't we have to kill the others now?
790: Yes we do. But I just need a short time to admire my man

(Stan runs down a passageway, and bumps into Xev)

STAN: Haley blackpaked Amber
XEV: What?!
STAN: Yeah, she's got 790 on her side, and now she's after all of us. We gotta get outta here fast
XEV: Where's Kai?
STAN: Kai's in the cryochamber, he's frozen. We can't go in there. Haley's in there. I was just in there and she tried to kill me

(Josh arrives)

JOSH: What's going on?
STAN: Haley's got a blackpak
XEV: Where'd she get it?
JOSH: What's a blackpak?
STAN: I don't know where she got it. A blackpak is - it's a weapon from the Cluster, it kills people. I didn't even know we had any
XEV: 790
STAN: Yeah, he musta put her up to this. I saw her kill Amber and she said she killed Ryan and now she's after all of us
JOSH: I shoulda dumped her in space

(Haley arrives, carrying 790)

HALEY: Yes you should have - before sweet little always trying to please everyone Haley discovered something really important about herself
JOSH: What's that, babe?
HALEY: That it feels really good to kill jerks like you, Josh
790: Cut the small talk Haley, pull the trigger! End their lives and then sink into a state of guilt and depression and end your own life
STAN: 790, you are completely evil
790: I am not completely evil! I am madly in love with my man and I don't like having anyone else around to compete with - especially you. So Haley, you easily manipulated and stupid cow - blast 'em!
HALEY: What do you mean, easily manipulated?
790: You were manipulated by your rich father. You were manipulated by your no-good boyfriend, and now you're being manipulated by a love-smitten robot head - but who cares about the details?! The only important thing is that you end the lives of Stan and Xev and the other flesh bag

(Stan, Xev and Josh have been slowly moving back while 790 was talking)

790: They're getting away!
HALEY: Stop! Haley will not be manipulated anymore
790: Haley - you're a serial killer. Finish the job!
790: I thought you enjoyed killing the others

(Meanwhile, Stan, Xev and Josh are backing away again)

HALEY: I did. So I will kill them - but only because I want to, not because you say so
790: Fine by me. Now shoot!

(The others run. Haley fires, but misses. Stan, Xev and Josh make it to the bridge)

STAN: Quick, the moth. We gotta fly
XEV: Fly where?
STAN: I don't know. Earth?
XEV: Earth is a doomed planet, and it's probably out of moth range by now anyway
STAN: Yeah, you're right
XEV: We have to wake up Kai, it's our only choice
STAN: No no, 790 probably expects that, they'll be waiting for us
XEV: But they only have one blackpak, they can't track all of us, so we have to split up and go to the cryochamber from different directions
JOSH: She's right, that's our only choice
STAN: 790's gonna be waiting for us. He's got enhanced hearing, remember?

(790 is in a passageway, listening to their conversation)

790: I certainly do

XEV: Stan, you go back this way. I'll go the other way round past the shower, and you go the short way through the galley. Do you still remember how to get to the cryochamber from here?
JOSH: Sure. No challenge there
XEV: Good. Be careful
JOSH: I will

(They split up)

(Haley carries 790 into the cryochamber, places him on the control unit)

790: No challenge is exactly right. So who are you going to get rid of first?
HALEY: Myself

(She aims the blackpak)

790: No no no Haley, not yet
HALEY: Not yet?
790: Save yourself for last

(Haley puts the blackpak down)

HALEY: What do you mean?
790: I mean after everyone else is dead and you realise what a monster you've become, then you should blow yourself away - and leave me all alone with my corpse
HALEY: You're sick!
790: Not as sick as you. I am doing this for love. You are doing it for enjoyment

(Haley smiles)

790: So get on with it!

(Josh comes back onto the bridge - then runs to the moth platform, gets into the moth, and takes off. He laughs. In the cryochamber, 790 hears him)

790: They're in a moth! Quick - you have to shoot them down before they escape

(Haley grabs 790 and runs out of the cryochamber)

(Stan and Xev run onto the bridge, then onto the moth platform)

STAN: What are you doing, you're supposed to be on your way to the cryochamber!
JOSH: I'll come back - when you wake up the dead dude and take care of Haley. In the meantime - good luck!
XEV: You bring that moth back here right now
JOSH: Er - OK. Right after Haley blasts you and I get the key(laughs)
STAN: How did he know about the key?

(Stan looks at Xev - and Haley runs onto the moth platform)

HALEY: That's all he's here for. Hiya Josh
JOSH: Hiya Haley

(Haley aims at Stan)

(In the cryochamber, Kai's cryopod opens. He gets out)

HALEY: Josh doesn't care about the planet, or anything else - except himself! He used me. Haley was stupid back then but she's not anymore. Haley's gonna kill him! And then - she's gonna kill you
JOSH: Haley, wait. Killing is like - like, wrong
HALEY: So is sleeping with people who are emotionally fucked up just to get their dad's money!
JOSH: Get your clock fixed, Haley!
XEV: See, I can understand why you might want to kill him, but why us?
790: Because she's flipped! And when you're dead she's going to turn the blackpak on herself and leave me all alone with my beloved stiff
HALEY: You really think I'm going to do that?
790: I don't think it - I know it
HALEY: You're probably right
790: Of course I'm right. That's why I chose you. I would not have given the blackpak to someone who might potentially have interfered with my one and only forever and ever relationship
STAN: 790 - if we ever get out of this, it's the end for you
790: Yawn
JOSH: No trust fund, no boyfriend, no hope, Haley. Do us all a favour and finish yourself off

(Xev does a cluster lizard roll, bumping into Haley, who drops 790. Haley wobbles on the edge of the platform. Xev stands up. Haley regains her balance, aims at Xev)

HALEY: Back off!

(Josh steers the moth at Haley, knocking her off the edge. He laughs. As Haley falls, she fires the blackpak - vapourising the moth - and Josh. Stan and Xev look over the edge. Far down below, Haley goes splat)

STAN: Oh, what a silly girl

(Kai arrives)

STAN: Kai - good timing, sort of. What are you doing up?
KAI: I did not believe your argument Stanley, so I programmed the cryopod control unit to wake me up after a short time - but I see you do not need my help
STAN: Not now

(Later, on the bridge. Kai is tying 790 on his trolley to a support. Stan sticks a cover over 790's mouth)

STAN: She might have been a mixed up girl, 790, but you are responsible for what happened. I think we ought to reset you
790: No. I am perfectly content being in love with Kai

(Kai puts his foot on top of 790 to hold him still)

KAI: We can reset him, but he is wired for love. As soon as we turn him on again he will become hopelessly infatuated with the first person he sees, and exhibit exactly the same obsessive and antisocial behaviour
790: I am hopelessly infatuated with Kai and I want to stay that way!
XEV: We could make him fall in love with you Stan (grins)
STAN: No thanks!
790: I vomit at the thought
STAN: We could destroy him you know. You could do that with your brace, couldn't you Kai?
KAI: Yes (aims brace)
XEV: Sometimes we do really need him
STAN: He deserves the scrap heap
XEV: I agree. But he's restrained in place, so we're safe for now, hmm?
790: I am safe for now. But please put me in the cryochamber so I can admire the dead one
STAN: Oh no, 790 - you have to suffer at least a little, probably a lot for what you did

(Stan and Xev leave. Kai follows them)

790: Kai - bring me with you. My programmes are crashing. My circuits are sizzling. I am suffering damage beyond repair. Kai, please! Don't leave me!!

© Filking Fairy

© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana

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