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Lexx 4.17 Dutch Treat
(written by Jeffrey Hirschfield)

(The Lexx flies low over the moon. The crew are all on the bridge - Kai is sitting on the pedestal)

790: My man is back, my man in black, he gives my head a heart attack!

(Suddenly the bridge shakes, and there's a retching noise)

STAN: What's that sound?
790: Sparky robot love
STAN: No, not you! That other sound
790: That was the Lexx dry heaving. Funny that it should coincide with your return
STAN: Oh, you want funny? Well what about I come over there and start pounding you into tinfoil, huh? Which I'm just about ready to do
790: I'm shaking
XEV: Kai, do you know what it was?
KAI: Yes. The Lexx trying to vomit, as 790 suggested. He may have reached the point where he has begun to starve to death
STAN: Starve to death?! What are you talking about, the Lexx can't die!
KAI: Everything that lives, dies
790: And now is as good a time as any. So please Stanley, hurl yourself off the bridge - you too, Xev
STAN: Something's gonna go off the bridge all right, and it's gonna be you

(Stan picks up 790 - but the bridge shakes again, and he drops him)

XEV: Watch out Stan!

(Something gooey splatters on Stan's hat)

STAN: That's disgusting! What is this stuff?

(Kai sticks his fingers into the goo)

KAI: Fluid from a ruptured membrane. The Lexx is consuming its own tissue in an attempt to stay alive, and its efforts are endangering its structural integrity. At this time the effects are superficial, but without food they will soon become terminal
XEV: Meaning?
KAI: Meaning, that the Lexx will start collapsing around you as it digests itself
XEV: This is bad
STAN: Oh yeah, well what can we do? We lost the key
XEV: You lost the key!
STAN: I did not lose the key, it was stolen from me! So, so don't blame me
XEV: I am blaming you!
STAN: Oh yeah? As I recall, when I did have the key we couldn't go anywhere because the Lexx needed to eat, to go anywhere at all. So I said, OK Lexx, go ahead, eat Holland, you know, but you and Kai said oh no, no, you can't do that. So as far as I'm concerned this mess that we are in is all your fault and it's Kai's fault, so - you two go ahead and figure a way out of it
XEV: Fine, you're really helping! (to Kai) Any ideas?
KAI: Just one
STAN: What?
KAI: The Noah
STAN: The what?
KAI: The Noah is the name of the vessel that Dr Ernst Longbore is building at his compound in the Earth state of Texas, with technical information provided by 790. The craft is designed for extended space travel, its mission being to find a suitable planet for Longbore and his followers to colonise after the Earth destroys itself
XEV: 790, how close is Longbore's ship to being ready?
790: Not answering
KAI: 790
790: I estimate that it is something more than 75% built, and should be ready to launch in 60 days, or less. But I'm ready to launch right now, so grab hold of my boosters, my long dead bunhead!
KAI: Not at this time, 790
790: Why not?! I've only been helping these morons as a favour to you, and you haven't licked my casing even once in return
XEV: We should contact them

(Longbore's lab. Longbore is in his wheelchair, watching a monitor showing the crew on the bridge - Xev on the pedestal)

XEV: So, you'll help us?
LONG: It will be an honour to count you among our number as we search for a new and better home in the distant stars
XEV: All right then. We'll just pack our things and come down to Earth right away
LONG: Take your time, we will not leave without you
XEV: It won't take long, we don't have much to pack

(The monitor goes blank. One of the geeks - Dougall - points at another monitor)

DOUG: Hey doc, the bus is here
LONG: What bus?
DOUG: The one from the girls' school in Houston
LONG: Ah, that bus

(The monitor shows four schoolgirls entering the building)

(The Lexx. Xev is sitting on the deck, packing a bundle. Stan is sitting on the pedestal, folding a blanket)

STAN: Sorry to leave you, Lexx. You were - you are, the best ship a captain could ever hope to have
790: I'm touched. No, really. Now hup hup, chop chop, load up and let's make tracks - I get Kai's lap
STAN: Sorry 790, you're staying
790: Ha ha ha
STAN: Ha ha ha! You are staying!
790: Don't be an idiot. I'm far too valuable to leave behind. My vast knowledge of almost everything makes me indispensable on the voyage
STAN: You are an out of control robot head who's tried to kill me and Xev over and over. We'll take our chances
XEV: Yeah, Stan's absolutely right. You're always betraying us, and we just don't want you around anymore
790: Speak for yourself, slut face. Kai won't leave me behind
KAI: I will do what Stan and Xev ask me to. If they wish you to remain, we will leave you
STAN: I wish
XEV: Me too
790: People, we're a team! We've been a team for thousands of years. True, I hate your guts, but I've always been there for you. Without me you would have been dead long ago
STAN: Yeah, and with you we'll probably be dead tomorrow (he gets up) Face it, robot head - you're finished

(Stan hands the protoblood jar to Xev)

790: This is madness - torture! Please, I promise to behave from now on, I mean it
790: I'll obey every command either of you give me. I swear on my tiny piece of human brain
790: Xev - I'll recite epic poems to your beauty, just like in the old days. Stan - I'll defer to you in all things. I'll call you captain - sir - Mr Handsome - anything you want

(They walk away to the moth platform)

790: Kai - what about our love?
KAI: 790 - our love exists in your head, not mine

(Kai follows the others)

790: But I think I know where the key is
STAN: We're not listening
XEV: Yeah, we don't trust you anymore. Goodbye
790: I - I - I'm not happy!

(The moth flies away. 790 wails, then shuts down)

(The White House. Bunny is filming an aerobics video - Power Buns)

BUNNY: Now I personally guarantee that if you follow this programme for 10 minutes a day for 30 days, you too can have a ruling class ass (she points at hers) So - hit it!

(The music starts. Bunny starts dancing. President Priest is watching, and copies the moves)

BUNNY: And run! And run! And run, and run, and run, and run,
And kick it! Kick it! And kick it, kick it, kick it
And punch it! And punch it! Punch it, punch it, punch it - good!

(A man - Devlin - is trying to get Priest's attention)

DEVLIN: Sir, there are some rather pressing issues -

(Bunny gets onto the desk)

BUNNY: OK now - we're gonna keep going, and we're gonna lie all the way down
DEVLIN: Mr President, six Arab nations are now threatening a jihad unless you issue a formal apology for asking them why they wear those rags on their heads -
BUNNY: And kick it! Kick it! And kick it, kick it, kick it
DEVLIN: North Carolina is still waiting for emergency relief, and the South is threatening to secede from the Union. The people are demanding action
PRIEST: And Bunny is providing it

(Bunny picks up the phone, starts stretching, and singing)

BUNNY: And call the French ambassador, call the French ambassador
Hey there French ambassador, hey there French ambassador
Work your buns a little more
VOICE: Go Bunny! Go Bunny!
BUNNY: And now, you know what you can do if you have a partner, because sometimes Mr President and I, we do - ah!

(She falls behind the desk)

PRIEST: Stop filming!

(He rushes over to her)

PRIEST: Bunny, my yummy yummy pooky plum. Are you hurt?
BUNNY: I broke a nail

(Priest kisses her finger)

PRIEST: I'll get the Surgeon General
BUNNY: Was I good?
PRIEST: You were terrific

(She tries to kiss him, but he puts his hand over her mouth)

PRIEST: No darling, you know we can't
BUNNY: But I'm a love pie, Mr President - and you are my filling
PRIEST: I want to be your filling, I want your pie, I need your pie - but Bunnykins, if we make love you copuld lose the key to the Lexx, and Prince will be very -
BUNNY: It's not fair, it's not fair! (starts crying)
DEVLIN: Mr President -
PRIEST: Can't you see my wife's very upset? Leave us alone, both of you!

(Devlin and the cameraman leave. Priest and Bunny get up from behind the desk)

BUNNY: You are so sexy when you tell people what to do
PRIEST: I am, aren't I?
BUNNY: You should call the shots more often, Mr President

(Priest puts his hand over her mouth, whispers)

PRIEST: Shh, he might hear you

(He looks at the TV, which flickers briefly - Prince's face)

BUNNY: Oh, who cares?! I hate him
PRIEST: I feel your pain my love, it's my pain also
BUNNY: Well then get rid of the TV and he's gone too
PRIEST: Destroy my prince?
BUNNY: He's not your prince, he's just some dead freako face who shows up on the TV screen once in a while
PRIEST: I know, my perfect peach
BUNNY: You are my prezzy wezzy love stick

(She pulls him down behind the desk, he tries to resist)

BUNNY: And I am your honey bunny who wants you naked. So who cares about the stupid old key?
PRIEST: I feel the same, believe me!
BUNNY: Well then get rid of the TV and we're free. Do it for me. Do it for us
PRIEST: Oh yes. Oh yes. Yes. I am the man now
BUNNY: You are the man now
PRIEST: I am the President
BUNNY: You are the President!
PRIEST: I'll do it, Bunnykins!

(He grabs hold of a golf club)

PRIEST: This very moment!

(He moves towards the TV - the screen is flickering)

BUNNY: You're the man. You're the man. You can do it
PRIEST: Yes, I can do it

(He moves closer to the TV, then stops, nervous)

BUNNY: Oh, baby
PRIEST: Yes, yes!

(He psyches himself up, rushes forward, club raised - and Prince appears on the screen. They both scream. Priest whimpers, Prince mimics him. Priest sighs. Prince snarls)

PRINCE: Mr President
PRIEST: My prince
PRINCE: Practicing our putting, were we?
PRIEST: Yes, my prince. I was hoping to p-p-p-practice my p-p-p-putt
PRINCE: Really? I could have sworn you were thinking of getting rid of me
PRIEST: No no no no my prince, never. No, I wouldn't even dream of such a thing - lately

(Priest gets down on his knees, hugs the TV)

PRIEST: It's so wonderful to see you (kisses screen) I've missed you so

(Bunny watches, disappointed. She sits on the couch)

PRINCE: All right, that's enough. We have work to do, the three of us
PRIEST: Yes of course, my prince. Anything
PRINCE: NASA and the military have spotted a fast moving vehicle approaching the Earth from the direction of the moon. This is of course one of the Lexx's moths. Now I want you to contact the obnoxious robot head on the Lexx's bridge and find out who is left on board
PRIEST: Certainly, my prince
PRIEST: Yes my prince

(The bridge of the Lexx. Priest appears on the view screen)

PRIEST: Hello crew of the Lexx. This is the President. How are you? Any of you that might be left on the ship?

(790's eye screens flicker back on)

PRIEST: Not that it matters, but I just called to say hi, and, umm - hi there. Umm - is anyone home?
790: Gone. All gone
PRIEST: Robot head, is that you?
790: Kai gone, love gone

(In the White House, Priest looks at Prince on the TV)

PRIEST: The robot head says they are all gone
PRINCE: Excellent. Disconnect

(Priest disconnects his little phone/satellite dish contraption)

PRINCE: Now Bunny, you do still have the key, don't you?
BUNNY: Yeah, I think so
PRINCE: You think so?
BUNNY: I mean, sure
PRIEST: Of course she does, my prince
PRINCE: Can you confirm that you have not engaged in hanky panky that might have brought the first lady to the very edge of sexual ecstasy, and so released the key?
PRIEST: My prince, we have both suffered through a long and difficult period of celibacy, our only concern being to protect the key. There has been absolutely no hanky panky
BUNNY: Yeah, not even a spanky
PRINCE: How awful. Now start packing
PRINCE: Yes, you heard me! Start packing

(The moth flies to Longbore's compound. Longbore is sniffing a pair of boxer shorts)


(Tina takes them away, speaks into a microphone connected to another room)

TINA: Number 327 - no

(A man gets up and leaves the room. Longbore sniffs another pair)

TINA: Number 411 - no

(Next up - pink knickers, which Longbore sniffs repeatedly)

DOUG: Dr Longbore - it's the moth, from the Lexx

(The moth flies into the compound)

(In the White House, Priest and Bunny are packing. The TV has been covered in bubble wrap. Devlin is flapping around again)

DEVLIN: Mr President, what are you doing?
PRIEST: Going on vacation, a long one
DEVLIN: Where?
PRIEST: That's top secret, and I may not come back
DEVLIN: Not coming back? But sir, you can't just abandon the whole nation. There are so many urgent issues

(Priest hands him a tie)

PRIEST: You can have that. Urgent to you, not to me
DEVLIN: I cannot in conscience let you leave without dealing with the more important ones at least
PRIEST: Sorry, we have to go
DEVLIN: The Chinese at least
PRIEST: The Chinese, ah so (fiddles with football) Their country is very crowded, no? Tell them they can have Wyoming as a goodwill gesture
DEVLIN: The Arabs -
PRIEST: Oo, yes. Them again. Sell Alaska back to them for whatever we originally paid for it
DEVLIN: Four hundred thousand dollars? But sir, we didn't buy Alaska from the Arabs, we bought it from the Russians, sir
PRIEST: Then sell it back to the Russians, and tell them to deal with the Arabs. And now I have to go. Bye
DEVLIN: Mr President, is there nothing you would like to say to the country before you depart?
PRIEST: Oo yes, of course. Some inspiration for the people, as it were

(He looks into the video camera. There's a long pause)

BUNNY: Oh, I'd just like to say so long to all the friends I've ever had in my whole life - especially Xena, and Kate, and the whole high school aerobics team - go Pikers! (?) And my mom and my dad and sister Hobby of course. And my goldfish Bloopy and my other goldfish Blop - in heaven now. And my nanny and my poppy and my aunt Gigi and my uncle Merrill, and of course I can't forget my favorite blanket, you know, Mr Fuzzy, because he's really been -

(Priest pulls her away. There's a shot of a shuttle launching)

(Xev, Stan and Kai walk into Longbore's lab. Tina rushes over and hugs Kai)

TINA: I knew you'd come back!
KAI: Hello, Tina
STAN: Oh, friend of yours Kai?
TINA: We're more than friends

(She kisses Kai's cheek. Longbore wheels in)

LONG: Welcome, welcome aboard. I am so happy to have you as candidates to be on the Noah as it journeys to the distant stars
STAN: Whoa, wait a second - we didn't come here to be candidates. We came here to be passengers
DOUG: We all wanna be passengers, but Dr Longbore is sensitive to the issue of histocompatability
STAN: Hista - what?
DOUG: Histocompatibility. As a natural matter of precaution, assuming that the whole human race is to be descended from us

(Stan and Xev don't know what he's on about)

LONG: Come view our progress on the Noah

(He leads them onto a gantry of a huge hangar, where robot arms are flying around, putting the last few pieces onto a rocket)

STAN: Whoa! Impressive
LONG: Isn't it?
STAN: Yes!
LONG: And thank you for helping us design it
KAI: When will it be completed?
LONG: We expect to be ready to launch within two months. Which reminds me - Xev?
XEV: Yes?
LONG: Would you happen top have a piece of clothing, an old T-shirt or something perhaps, that I could borrow for a couple of hours?
XEV: Why?
LONG: It's for a little experiment I'm conducting for the trip - on allergies
XEV: Sorry, I don't have any T-shirts
LONG: Anything would do - a sock, an undergarment?
XEV: I don't wear socks - or undergarments

(The shuttle flies into the Lexx, is grabbed by the docking tentacles. Bunny and Priest wheel the TV onto the bridge)

BUNNY: I wish we'd left this thing behind
PRIEST: Bunnykins -
790: Gone ... gone
PRIEST: Oo, robot head, hello. Are you really the only one on board?
790: Gone
BUNNY: He looks busted. Good thing too, he's icky

(The bridge shakes, as the Lexx makes a retching sound)

BUNNY: What was that?
PRIEST: I've no idea, but I think I wet myself (he takes the wrapping off the TV) My prince, are you there? (knocks on screen) Are you transmitting? (whispers to Bunny) Perhaps he didn't make the trip

(Prince appears on the TV)

PRINCE: I wouldn't miss it for the world. Quickly Bunny, the key. Climb into the pedestal and use it. Now

(Priest and Bunny go over to the pedestal)

PRINCE: Ah, yes. Although not presently in the form that I prefer, still, finally, I have gained control of the Lexx - the most powerful weapon of destruction in the universe, so that now I, Prince, can get out there and destroy (chuckles)

(The template appears. Bunny tries to put her hand onto it - but it doesn't work)

PRINCE: What are you not telling me?
PRIEST: Nothing, my prince
PRINCE: Well, neither of you are dead - although that could be arranged. So that means that you did indulge in hanky panky sufficient to bring the First Lady to the edge of sexual ecstasy after all! Correct?
PRIEST: No no no my prince, I swear
BUNNY: Me too. We did nothing (thinks) Oh
BUNNY: Remember sweetie? There was that one little smooch we had before we left the Lexx the last time
PRIEST: No we didn't, I don't remember

(But a little heart shaped flashback (from 4.13 769) appears on screen, as he and Bunny remember -

(Bunny grabs hold of him, starts kissing him)

PRIEST: No Bunny - not now, we can't

(She undoes his belt)

PRIEST: I mean, we shouldn't

(She pulls up her top)

PRIEST: I mean - we have to be quick

(He starts kissing her - and the key flies away)

PRINCE: Oh, you useless idiots! Your suffering will know no bounds! However - at least you lost it here, which means that it is still on board, which means that it is now in one of the moth breeders, as they are the only humans left. So, go out and start killing them until you find the key
PRIEST: Again? My arms are still tired from the last lot I slaughtered
PRINCE: Well, Bunny will help you, won't you Bunnykins? You are an aerobics instructor, remember?

(Priest and Bunny go into the moth breeding chamber)

PRIEST: Don't look so glum, Bunnykins. Killing these fellows can be quite enjoyable - well, if you get in the right frame of mind

(He puts on a cowboy hat. Bunny walks into a column)

BUNNY: Oh - I don't wanna kill anything
PRIEST: But it's our duty, my sweet jam jar - and you're lucky. Last time, I had to strangle them by hand. But this time -

(Priest moves behind a nearby moth breeder, who is working on a moth)

BUNNY: What?
PRIEST: I'm prepared (he holds up two guns) Now I just take aim at the nearest little blue head. Nothing to it

(Priest shoots the moth breeder, who falls dead into the moth. Bunny looks at it. Priest shoots another - and the key flies out)

PRIEST: The key! Get it!

(Bunny clambers through the moth after the key)

PRIEST: Get it Bunnykins. Faster, Bunny, come on Bunnykins!

(Bunny chases it to another moth breeder)

BUNNY: It went into him

(The scene turns into a Benny Hill style montage. Priest shoots the moth breeder, the key flies past Bunny into another moth breeder. Priest shoots, reloads. Bunny chases the key down the corridor. Priest starts shooting again. Moth breeders are dropping like flies. Bunny keeps holding her hand up, without success)

BUNNY: The key doesn't like me anymore!

(Back at Longbore's compound, Tina leads Kai into the video room)

TINA: I want you to see this video of Dr Longbore I secretly recorded this afternoon. Sit down

(Tina starts the video, then sits beside Kai, with her arm around him. The video shows Dr Longbore speaking to some candidates)

LONG: It is time now. I will share with you my plan. My holy mission is to propagate a new and vastly improved humanity, a thousand times more vital than would be possible with mere chance breeding. So my little chucks, please remove your undergarments and give them to Dougall. He will return them once I have made the selection

(The candidates seem surprised, but start removing clothing. Longbore smiles. Tina stops the tape)

TINA: I think Dr Longbore is becoming more and more mentally unstable, to the point where I don't think he can be trusted
KAI: What do you mean?
TINA: He talks about histocompatability, but if that's true then there should be an equal number of male and female candidates. Yet he never seems to show much interest in the boys' underwear. At first, I thought he was just really interested in sniffing girls' panties, but - I think it's worse than that
KAI: How?
TINA: I don't think Dr Longbore is sincere about taking you along
KAI: I suggest that you keep an eye on him
TINA: A group of us are. And Kai?
KAI: Yes?
TINA: While I'm keeping an eye on Dr Longbore, can I keep my thighs wrapped around you?

(She turns in her chair, spreads her legs around Kai - who leaves)

TINA: Well, I had to ask

(Meanwhile, back in the moth breeding chamber, Bunny is in a moth, and a moth breeder goes to put a door on in front of her. Priest shoots the moth breeder, and the key flies out. Priest shoots some more moth breeders, but the key still ignores Bunny)

BUNNY: It's not working! I'm trying, Mr President, I'm really trying, but we've killed a zillion of these poor little blue guys and we still don't have the key and I'm tired. Why don't you try?

(She tries to pull a gun away from Priest and it goes off - accidentally killing a moth breeder. The key flies out of it - straight into Bunny's hand)

PRIEST: You got it
BUNNY: Mr President

(She goes to kiss him, but he stops her)

PRIEST: No no Bunnykins, you know we can't. The key

(He holds her hand out in front of them, and they head back to the bridge. 790's eye screens flicker)

790: Gone. Gooone

(Bunny holds up her hand, and the key glows briefly. Prince sighs with relief)

PRINCE: Finally! Now quickly Bunny, take command of the Lexx

(Bunny gets up on the pedestal, puts her hand on the template - this time, it activates)

LEXX: Hello, captain
BUNNY: Umm, hi

(The view screen shows an image of Earth)

PRIEST: Goodbye, so long
PRINCE: Good riddance. Yes - Bunny?
BUNNY: What?
PRINCE: What do people think of me?
BUNNY: They say you're - evil?
PRINCE: Exactly! And so my going away present to the Earth should be consistent with my reputation. Bunny - tell the Lexx to turn around and blow up the little blue planet
BUNNY: What? (she's not at all sure about this)
PRIEST: It's OK Bunny, it's all for the better
PRIEST: You're doing it all for the better, right my prince?
PRINCE: No! It's all for the worse. Now quick Bunny, blast the planet
BUNNY: (to Priest) Do I have to?
PRIEST: Oo, yes Bunnykins, I'm afraid it's just one of those difficult things that you have to do sometimes
BUNNY: Lexx - umm - I want you to turn around (upset) - and - umm - turn around and - I can't!
LEXX: Would you like me to destroy the blue planet now?
BUNNY: Oh, I can't!

(She gets down from the pedestal)

BUNNY: I mean, what about all my friends, and my aerobics class, and Mr Fuzzy -
PRINCE: Convince her
PRIEST: Just, just think of them all as moth breeders, Bunnykins - little blue gnomes, nothing more, easy to kill - mostly. Fun
BUNNY: My mom is not a little blue gnome!
PRINCE: I'm not so sure about that
PRIEST: No, but you can do it Bunnykins (kisses her shoulder) The Earth is a Type 13 planet and it's doomed anyway. By blowing it up you will be saving your mom (licks her stomach) and aerobics team and everyone else from a terrible future of misery and suffering. You will be doing them all a big favour, and me an even bigger one. You'll make me very, very, very, very, very happy
BUNNY: I live to make you happy Mr President - but isn't this too much?
PRIEST: Bunny, Bunnykins (kisses her) My Bunny boo boo, honey pot, love ladle(laughs) My succulent squeezy squoo oogie poogie pogo pudding

(Prince looks like he's going to throw up)

PRIEST: Pleasy weasy?
BUNNY: You always know just how to convince me

(She gets back on the pedestal)

BUNNY: Lexx - I want you to blow up the Earth!

(The Lexx fires - but it's only a small blast, so just blows up Ottawa - and the Edice Jean Calvin building, home of the Canadian Radio-television & Telecommunications Commission "protecting Canadians from themselves", hee hee)

PRINCE: Ask the Lexx what is wrong with him
PRINCE: Because the Earth is still there. He only managed to destroy Ottawa
PRIEST: What's Ottawa?
PRINCE: A small-minded little backwater that until just now served as the capital of Canada

(Longbore's lab. Xev, Stan and Dougall are looking at monitors)

DOUG: Well look
STAN: What?
DOUG: This is the NASA feed - the one they use to keep watch on the Lexx. Seems like the Lexx just blew up the city of Ottawa
STAN: But the Lexx can't blow up anything unless somebody orders it to
XEV: Exactly. There's someone on the Lexx
STAN: What?
XEV: With the key
STAN: Kai, we gotta get Kai. Kai!
XEV: Kai!
STAN: Kai, we gotta get back to the Lexx right now

(Meanwhile, back on the Lexx - )

LEXX: I wanted to blow up the planet but I couldn't because I am very hungry and very weak, captain, and not feeling well
BUNNY: Oh. Well, why don't you eat something?
LEXX: I would like to eat something on that planet. Then, I would feel better, and do exactly as you command, all the time

(Lexx retches, and the bridge shakes. The TV slides along - Priest steadies it)

PRINCE: Tell him he can eat the moon
BUNNY: How about the moon, Lexx? Would that do?
LEXX: The moon is hard and rocky and not tasty. I have wanted to eat Holland for a long time. Holland is not hard and rocky, and is full of yummy protein. May I eat Holland?

(There is an image of Holland on the view screen)

PRIEST: Do we care about Holland, my prince?
PRINCE: No, of course not! Tell him he can eat it, but he has to be quick about it
PRIEST: Holland schmolland it is, butter button
BUNNY: Aren't there people there?
PRINCE: Of course! But they're Dutch. They're used to suffering
BUNNY: Oh. Holland's all yours, Lexx
LEXX: Oh goody. A tasty Dutch treat

(The Lexx heads for Earth. The moth leaves Longbore's lab)

STAN: We'll never catch up to it. The Lexx is way faster than a moth
XEV: Maybe not in its present condition

(Kai looks at the moth's view screen)

KAI: It is not necessary for the moth to be able to travel faster than the Lexx, as the Lexx appears to be heading back towards the Earth

(Holland. A field with a windmill, dragonflies, and an artist painting a picture of a pile of cheese. The artist looks up to see what's blocking his light - it's the Lexx, which starts sucking up all the yummy organic matter of Holland)

XEV: Look. What's the Lexx doing?
KAI: The Lexx is eating Holland

(The Lexx flies back into space, belching out some green stuff. What's left of Holland does not look good. The moth follows)

KAI: The Lexx is not travelling at speed but its velocity is still greater than the moth's. We will not be able to catch up with it
STAN: Who's on there, who's doing this?!
XEV: Prince is dead, right?

(Tina appears on the moth's view screen, whispering)

TINA: Kai, Mr Tweedle, Miss Xev - it's Tina. If any of you are getting this please respond, please
KAI: This is Kai. What is it Tina?
TINA: Oh good, you're there. Dr Longbore lied to you about the Noah
XEV: Lied how?
TINA: He told you that the ship was 75% complete. He tells everyone that. But I think it's more like 99% ready
STAN: Sounds like good news to me
TINA: No! That's what he tells people like us, who've been with him from the very beginning. People who he promised could come. That's what he tells people he plans to leave behind - including you! Kai, I was right
KAI: Are you certain of this, Tina?
TINA: Yes. And me and some others are starting to feel afraid. We're very careful, but I'm beginning to think he's not planning to take us at all! He's just gonna leave us behind -

(Someone comes up behind Tina, grabs her - she screams, then falls to the ground)

XEV: Tina?
STAN: Tina!

(The Lexx is flying by the moon. Bunny is on the pedestal. A dragonfly is buzzing around her)

BUNNY: Gee - that little bug looks just like you, Lexx

(The dragonfly flies off down a corridor, and into an orifice. Lexx starts making happy moaning sounds. Bunny and Priest listen, and laugh)

BUNNY: Lexx!
LEXX: I've got a new friend
BUNNY: That's nice, Lexx

(Meanwhile, back on the moth - )

STAN: I'm gonna kill Dr Longbore with my bare hands
XEV: After I do
KAI: No - after I kill him

(The dead seem quite angry. Stan and Xev look at Kai, surprised)

STAN: Listen, do we have any chance at all of catching up with the Lexx?

(On the bridge, Priest is kneeling by the TV. Bunny is sulking on the pedestal)

PRINCE: I won. I always do - in the end
PRIEST: You are a genius in a box, my prince
PRINCE: And out of a box?
PRIEST: You are of course a genius as well
PRINCE: One last job to finish before we leave. Bunny, tell the Lexx to turn around and blow up the planet

BUNNY: We already tried that
PRINCE: Yes, we have. But now the Lexx is back at full strength, so let's try it again

(Priest gets up and goes to Bunny)

BUNNY: Lexx, are you back at full strength?
LEXX: Almost, captain
PRINCE: Excellent
LEXX: I can now blow up whatever planet you want
BUNNY: (to Priest) Are you sure?
PRIEST: It's a type 13 planet, Bunnykins
BUNNY: Lexx - turn around
LEXX: As you command, captain

(The Lexx turns to point directly at Earth - and the moth)

XEV: Look!
KAI: The Lexx appears to be slowing

BUNNY: Do you really really really want me to?
PRIEST: I really really really really really really want you to Bunnykins (strokes her hand)
PRINCE: Goodbye, you ridiculous planet. And a special farewell to Kai and Stanley and Xev. Thanks for the memories
PRIEST: Toodle-oo! (laughs)
BUNNY: Lexx - I want you to -

(The Lexx powers up)

BUNNY: - blow up - the -

(Kai's brace grabs Priest by the neck)

KAI: Bunny, stop - or the President loses his head

(Prince closes his eyes. Stan and Xev join Kai on the bridge)

PRINCE: Bunny, tell them the name of the planet you were about to destroy
LEXX: I am very ready to blow up the blue planet. May I do that now, captain?
BUNNY: No planet. Lexx, I command you to blow up no planet!
LEXX: As you command, captain

(Prince looks disappointed. The Lexx powers down. Kai releases Priest, who is choking)

790: Kai! You came back! Oh, heaven on a stick, I live and love again!

(Kai walks over to the TV)

PRINCE: Kai, it's so - special, to see you. You too, Stanley. And of course you, Xev
XEV: Oh, save it! You just tried to kill us, once again, us and everyone else on this planet
PRINCE: I know! I'm evil, what do you expect?
STAN: Kai - turn him off
PRINCE: Sorry Stanley - I'm not even plugged in. It appears that I am the ghost in the machine
STAN: Well, then we'll just get rid of the machine
XEV: Good idea. As for you -

(She walks over to Priest, who gets down on his knees with Bunny)

PRIEST: No no no no no. Isambard made us do it. Bunnykins and I were merely dupes in his terrible plan. We are good people, forced to do horrible things
STAN: No! You're horrible people, forced to do horrible things - well, just forget about that for now. Right now - let's get the key back where it belongs (holds up his hand) right here
XEV: How?
KAI: She will release the key at the point of death(he readies his brace)
BUNNY: You're not gonna kill me?!
STAN: Oh no. No no no. No, I've got a much better idea (smiles)

(Bunny is lying in Stan's moth bed. Priest watches through an eye socket as Stan takes off her shoe - Bunny doesn't look happy)

PRIEST: Must I watch?
STAN: Yes, you must
PRIEST: But it's humiliating
STAN: That's the point (he kisses Bunny's foot) Oo, now Bunnykins - time for some funnykins

(He kisses her, holds her hand, shakes it, looking for the key)

STAN: Come on now - put a little effort into it

(But needless to say, Bunny is nowhere near the edge of sexual ecstasy, so nothing happens)

STAN: Is she always this frigid?
BUNNY: I'm trying, it's just that I keep thinking I'm gonna be sick
STAN: Yeah, well we can get the key out of you the other way you know

(Xev walks in)

XEV: Stan, how's it going?
STAN: Well, Bunny's holding out on me, that's how it's going
BUNNY: I'm trying!
STAN: Yeah, well she's resisting all my charms
XEV: What charms are those, Stan?
BUNNY: It's not my fault if I don't feel tingly. Only the President makes me feel tingly
STAN: That is ridiculous - I'm the tingle king!

(Priest climbs into the bed, holds Bunny)

PRIEST: Thank you for your efforts, but now I think it's time for me to offer my humble services to extract the key. Bunny will quickly reach the peak of sexual ecstasy and the key will be yours

(Stan pulls him off the bed)

STAN: No no no no no. You are evil and we're not giving you any satisfaction
PRIEST: But if you want the key -
STAN: Forget it!
XEV: Let me try
STAN: What?
BUNNY: What?

(Xev walks slowly towards Bunny)

XEV: I felt a tingle when we played truth or dare, and Stan dared us to kiss - didn't you?
BUNNY: Yeah, maybe (giggles) a little bit anyway
XEV: Goodbye fellas

(Stan and Priest are out in the passageway, listening to moans, sighs, purrs)

STAN: I gotta go in there! I gotta go back in there
PRIEST: I'm with you
STAN: No you're not. Evil man!

(Stan sneaks back in and peers through the moth bed's eye sockets. He watches as Bunny's hand starts to glow. He manages to get his hand between Bunny's and Xev's, as the key leaps out - back into him)

STAN: Yes! Yes!

(He runs away, laughing. Xev snarls at him. Bunny looks dazed)

BUNNY: Wow. Can we do that again?

(On the bridge. Kai is standing by the TV as Stan, Bunny, Priest and Xev return)

STAN: I'm very disappointed. And you two - you should be very very grateful that we're letting you go. Now just get into your space shuttle and go back to that stupid planet before we change our mind. Well go!

(Priest and Bunny hold hands and walk away)

PRIEST: Bunnykins, please answer one question - you haven't gone over to the other team, have you?
BUNNY: Let's just say, I'm a complicated woman Mr President - really a lot
STAN: (to Prince) And you -
KAI: You are coming with me

(Kai starts wheeling the TV away)

PRINCE: Really? And where are you taking me?
KAI: Out in a moth, to the moon, where I will crash you at high velocity onto its airless service
PRINCE: And you think then that you will be rid of me, do you?

(Kai is now in a moth, with the TV)

PRINCE: I must say, I object to this treatment

(The moth heads for the moon, while the shuttle head towards Earth)

(Stan gets up on the pedestal, and smiles as he activates the template)

STAN: Lexx - who's the man? I mean, who, is the man?!
LEXX: You are, Stan, Stan and only Stan
STAN: - and only Stan! (laughs, claps)

© Filking Fairy

© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana

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