Lexx 4.17 Dutch Treat
(written by Jeffrey Hirschfield)
(The Lexx flies low over the moon. The crew are all on the
bridge - Kai is sitting on the pedestal)
790: My man is back, my man
in black, he gives my head a heart attack!
(Suddenly the bridge
shakes, and there's a retching noise)
STAN: What's that
790: Sparky robot love
STAN: No, not you! That other sound
That was the Lexx dry heaving. Funny that it should coincide with your
STAN: Oh, you want funny? Well what about I come over there and start
pounding you into tinfoil, huh? Which I'm just about ready to do
XEV: Kai, do you know what it was?
KAI: Yes. The Lexx trying to
vomit, as 790 suggested. He may have reached the point where he has begun to
starve to death
STAN: Starve to death?! What are you talking about, the Lexx
KAI: Everything that lives, dies
790: And now is as good a time
as any. So please Stanley, hurl yourself off the bridge - you too, Xev
Something's gonna go off the bridge all right, and it's gonna be
(Stan picks up 790 - but the bridge shakes again, and he drops
XEV: Watch out Stan!
(Something gooey splatters on
STAN: That's disgusting! What is this
(Kai sticks his fingers into the goo)
from a ruptured membrane. The Lexx is consuming its own tissue in an attempt to
stay alive, and its efforts are endangering its structural integrity. At this
time the effects are superficial, but without food they will soon become
KAI: Meaning, that the Lexx will start collapsing
around you as it digests itself
XEV: This is bad
STAN: Oh yeah, well what
can we do? We lost the key
XEV: You lost the key!
STAN: I did not lose the
key, it was stolen from me! So, so don't blame me
XEV: I am blaming
STAN: Oh yeah? As I recall, when I did have the key we couldn't go
anywhere because the Lexx needed to eat, to go anywhere at all. So I said, OK
Lexx, go ahead, eat Holland, you know, but you and Kai said oh no, no, you can't
do that. So as far as I'm concerned this mess that we are in is all your fault
and it's Kai's fault, so - you two go ahead and figure a way out of it
Fine, you're really helping! (to Kai) Any ideas?
KAI: The Noah
STAN: The what?
KAI: The Noah is the
name of the vessel that Dr Ernst Longbore is building at his compound in the
Earth state of Texas, with technical information provided by 790. The craft is
designed for extended space travel, its mission being to find a suitable planet
for Longbore and his followers to colonise after the Earth destroys
XEV: 790, how close is Longbore's ship to being ready?
790: I estimate that it is something more than 75%
built, and should be ready to launch in 60 days, or less. But I'm ready to
launch right now, so grab hold of my boosters, my long dead bunhead!
at this time, 790
790: Why not?! I've only been helping these morons as a
favour to you, and you haven't licked my casing even once in return
should contact them
(Longbore's lab. Longbore is in his wheelchair,
watching a monitor showing the crew on the bridge - Xev on the
XEV: So, you'll help us?
LONG: It will be an honour to
count you among our number as we search for a new and better home in the distant
XEV: All right then. We'll just pack our things and come down to Earth
LONG: Take your time, we will not leave without you
won't take long, we don't have much to pack
(The monitor goes blank.
One of the geeks - Dougall - points at another monitor)
doc, the bus is here
LONG: What bus?
DOUG: The one from the girls' school
LONG: Ah, that bus
(The monitor shows four schoolgirls
entering the building)
(The Lexx. Xev is sitting on the deck, packing a
bundle. Stan is sitting on the pedestal, folding a blanket)
Sorry to leave you, Lexx. You were - you are, the best ship a captain could ever
hope to have
790: I'm touched. No, really. Now hup hup, chop chop, load up
and let's make tracks - I get Kai's lap
STAN: Sorry 790, you're
790: Ha ha ha
STAN: Ha ha ha! You are staying!
790: Don't be an
idiot. I'm far too valuable to leave behind. My vast knowledge of almost
everything makes me indispensable on the voyage
STAN: You are an out of
control robot head who's tried to kill me and Xev over and over. We'll take our
XEV: Yeah, Stan's absolutely right. You're always betraying us, and
we just don't want you around anymore
790: Speak for yourself, slut face. Kai
won't leave me behind
KAI: I will do what Stan and Xev ask me to. If they
wish you to remain, we will leave you
STAN: I wish
XEV: Me too
People, we're a team! We've been a team for thousands of years. True, I hate
your guts, but I've always been there for you. Without me you would have been
dead long ago
STAN: Yeah, and with you we'll probably be dead tomorrow
(he gets up) Face it, robot head - you're finished
hands the protoblood jar to Xev)
790: This is madness - torture!
Please, I promise to behave from now on, I mean it
790: I'll obey
every command either of you give me. I swear on my tiny piece of human
790: Xev - I'll recite epic poems to your beauty, just like
in the old days. Stan - I'll defer to you in all things. I'll call you captain -
sir - Mr Handsome - anything you want
away to the moth platform)
790: Kai - what about our love?
790 - our love exists in your head, not mine
(Kai follows the
790: But I think I know where the key is
STAN: We're not
XEV: Yeah, we don't trust you anymore. Goodbye
790: I - I - I'm
(The moth flies away. 790 wails, then shuts
(The White House. Bunny is filming an aerobics video - Power
BUNNY: Now I personally guarantee that if you follow this
programme for 10 minutes a day for 30 days, you too can have a ruling class ass
(she points at hers) So - hit it!
(The music starts. Bunny
starts dancing. President Priest is watching, and copies the moves)
BUNNY: And run! And run! And run, and run, and run, and run,
kick it! Kick it! And kick it, kick it, kick it
And punch it! And punch it!
Punch it, punch it, punch it - good!
(A man - Devlin - is trying to
get Priest's attention)
DEVLIN: Sir, there are some rather pressing
(Bunny gets onto the desk)
BUNNY: OK now -
we're gonna keep going, and we're gonna lie all the way down
President, six Arab nations are now threatening a jihad unless you issue a
formal apology for asking them why they wear those rags on their heads -
BUNNY: And kick it! Kick it! And kick it, kick it, kick it
Carolina is still waiting for emergency relief, and the South is threatening to
secede from the Union. The people are demanding action
PRIEST: And Bunny is
(Bunny picks up the phone, starts stretching, and
BUNNY: And call the French ambassador, call the French
Hey there French ambassador, hey there French ambassador
your buns a little more
VOICE: Go Bunny! Go Bunny!
BUNNY: And now, you
know what you can do if you have a partner, because sometimes Mr President and
I, we do - ah!
(She falls behind the desk)
(He rushes over to her)
PRIEST: Bunny, my yummy
yummy pooky plum. Are you hurt?
BUNNY: I broke a nail
kisses her finger)
PRIEST: I'll get the Surgeon General
Was I good?
PRIEST: You were terrific
(She tries to kiss him, but
he puts his hand over her mouth)
PRIEST: No darling, you know we
BUNNY: But I'm a love pie, Mr President - and you are my
PRIEST: I want to be your filling, I want your pie, I need your pie -
but Bunnykins, if we make love you copuld lose the key to the Lexx, and Prince
will be very -
BUNNY: It's not fair, it's not fair! (starts
DEVLIN: Mr President -
PRIEST: Can't you see my wife's very
upset? Leave us alone, both of you!
(Devlin and the cameraman leave.
Priest and Bunny get up from behind the desk)
BUNNY: You are so sexy
when you tell people what to do
PRIEST: I am, aren't I?
BUNNY: You should
call the shots more often, Mr President
(Priest puts his hand over
her mouth, whispers)
PRIEST: Shh, he might hear you
looks at the TV, which flickers briefly - Prince's face)
who cares?! I hate him
PRIEST: I feel your pain my love, it's my pain
BUNNY: Well then get rid of the TV and he's gone too
BUNNY: He's not your prince, he's just some dead freako face who
shows up on the TV screen once in a while
PRIEST: I know, my perfect
BUNNY: You are my prezzy wezzy love stick
(She pulls him
down behind the desk, he tries to resist)
BUNNY: And I am your honey
bunny who wants you naked. So who cares about the stupid old key?
feel the same, believe me!
BUNNY: Well then get rid of the TV and we're free.
Do it for me. Do it for us
PRIEST: Oh yes. Oh yes. Yes. I am the man
BUNNY: You are the man now
PRIEST: I am the President
are the President!
PRIEST: I'll do it, Bunnykins!
(He grabs hold
of a golf club)
PRIEST: This very moment!
towards the TV - the screen is flickering)
BUNNY: You're the man.
You're the man. You can do it
PRIEST: Yes, I can do it
closer to the TV, then stops, nervous)
BUNNY: Oh, baby
(He psyches himself up, rushes forward, club raised - and
Prince appears on the screen. They both scream. Priest whimpers, Prince mimics
him. Priest sighs. Prince snarls)
PRINCE: Mr President
PRINCE: Practicing our putting, were we?
PRIEST: Yes, my prince. I
was hoping to p-p-p-practice my p-p-p-putt
PRINCE: Really? I could have sworn
you were thinking of getting rid of me
PRIEST: No no no no my prince, never.
No, I wouldn't even dream of such a thing - lately
(Priest gets down
on his knees, hugs the TV)
PRIEST: It's so wonderful to see you
(kisses screen) I've missed you so
disappointed. She sits on the couch)
PRINCE: All right, that's
enough. We have work to do, the three of us
PRIEST: Yes of course, my prince.
PRINCE: NASA and the military have spotted a fast moving vehicle
approaching the Earth from the direction of the moon. This is of course one of
the Lexx's moths. Now I want you to contact the obnoxious robot head on the
Lexx's bridge and find out who is left on board
PRIEST: Certainly, my
PRIEST: Yes my prince
(The bridge of the
Lexx. Priest appears on the view screen)
PRIEST: Hello crew of the
Lexx. This is the President. How are you? Any of you that might be left on the
(790's eye screens flicker back on)
that it matters, but I just called to say hi, and, umm - hi there. Umm - is
790: Gone. All gone
PRIEST: Robot head, is that you?
Kai gone, love gone
(In the White House, Priest looks at Prince on
PRIEST: The robot head says they are all gone
(Priest disconnects his little phone/satellite
PRINCE: Now Bunny, you do still have the key,
BUNNY: Yeah, I think so
PRINCE: You think so?
BUNNY: I mean,
PRIEST: Of course she does, my prince
PRINCE: Can you confirm that
you have not engaged in hanky panky that might have brought the first lady to
the very edge of sexual ecstasy, and so released the key?
PRIEST: My prince,
we have both suffered through a long and difficult period of celibacy, our only
concern being to protect the key. There has been absolutely no hanky
BUNNY: Yeah, not even a spanky
PRINCE: How awful. Now start
PRINCE: Yes, you heard me! Start
(The moth flies to Longbore's compound. Longbore is sniffing
a pair of boxer shorts)
(Tina takes them away,
speaks into a microphone connected to another room)
TINA: Number 327
(A man gets up and leaves the room. Longbore sniffs another
TINA: Number 411 - no
(Next up - pink
knickers, which Longbore sniffs repeatedly)
Longbore - it's the moth, from the Lexx
(The moth flies into the
(In the White House, Priest and Bunny are packing. The TV has
been covered in bubble wrap. Devlin is flapping around
DEVLIN: Mr President, what are you doing?
PRIEST: Going on
vacation, a long one
PRIEST: That's top secret, and I may
not come back
DEVLIN: Not coming back? But sir, you can't just abandon the
whole nation. There are so many urgent issues
(Priest hands him a
PRIEST: You can have that. Urgent to you, not to me
I cannot in conscience let you leave without dealing with the more important
ones at least
PRIEST: Sorry, we have to go
DEVLIN: The Chinese at
PRIEST: The Chinese, ah so (fiddles with football) Their
country is very crowded, no? Tell them they can have Wyoming as a goodwill
DEVLIN: The Arabs -
PRIEST: Oo, yes. Them again. Sell Alaska back
to them for whatever we originally paid for it
DEVLIN: Four hundred thousand
dollars? But sir, we didn't buy Alaska from the Arabs, we bought it from the
PRIEST: Then sell it back to the Russians, and tell them to
deal with the Arabs. And now I have to go. Bye
DEVLIN: Mr President, is there
nothing you would like to say to the country before you depart?
yes, of course. Some inspiration for the people, as it were
into the video camera. There's a long pause)
Oh, I'd just like to say so long to all the friends I've ever had in my whole
life - especially Xena, and Kate, and the whole high school aerobics team - go
Pikers! (?) And my mom and my dad and sister Hobby of course. And my goldfish
Bloopy and my other goldfish Blop - in heaven now. And my nanny and my poppy and
my aunt Gigi and my uncle Merrill, and of course I can't forget my favorite
blanket, you know, Mr Fuzzy, because he's really been -
her away. There's a shot of a shuttle launching)
(Xev, Stan and Kai walk
into Longbore's lab. Tina rushes over and hugs Kai)
TINA: I knew
you'd come back!
KAI: Hello, Tina
STAN: Oh, friend of yours Kai?
We're more than friends
(She kisses Kai's cheek. Longbore wheels
LONG: Welcome, welcome aboard. I am so happy to have you as
candidates to be on the Noah as it journeys to the distant stars
wait a second - we didn't come here to be candidates. We came here to be
DOUG: We all wanna be passengers, but Dr Longbore is sensitive to
the issue of histocompatability
STAN: Hista - what?
Histocompatibility. As a natural matter of precaution, assuming that the whole
human race is to be descended from us
(Stan and Xev don't know what
he's on about)
LONG: Come view our progress on the
(He leads them onto a gantry of a huge hangar, where robot arms
are flying around, putting the last few pieces onto a rocket)
LONG: Isn't it?
LONG: And thank you for
helping us design it
KAI: When will it be completed?
LONG: We expect to be
ready to launch within two months. Which reminds me - Xev?
Would you happen top have a piece of clothing, an old T-shirt or something
perhaps, that I could borrow for a couple of hours?
for a little experiment I'm conducting for the trip - on allergies
Sorry, I don't have any T-shirts
LONG: Anything would do - a sock, an
XEV: I don't wear socks - or undergarments
shuttle flies into the Lexx, is grabbed by the docking tentacles. Bunny and
Priest wheel the TV onto the bridge)
BUNNY: I wish we'd left this
PRIEST: Bunnykins -
790: Gone ... gone
PRIEST: Oo, robot
head, hello. Are you really the only one on board?
looks busted. Good thing too, he's icky
(The bridge shakes, as the
Lexx makes a retching sound)
BUNNY: What was that?
no idea, but I think I wet myself (he takes the wrapping off the TV) My
prince, are you there? (knocks on screen) Are you transmitting?
(whispers to Bunny) Perhaps he didn't make the trip
appears on the TV)
PRINCE: I wouldn't miss it for the world. Quickly
Bunny, the key. Climb into the pedestal and use it. Now
Bunny go over to the pedestal)
PRINCE: Ah, yes. Although not
presently in the form that I prefer, still, finally, I have gained control of
the Lexx - the most powerful weapon of destruction in the universe, so that now
I, Prince, can get out there and destroy (chuckles)
appears. Bunny tries to put her hand onto it - but it doesn't
PRINCE: What are you not telling me?
PRIEST: Nothing, my
PRINCE: Well, neither of you are dead - although that could be
arranged. So that means that you did indulge in hanky panky sufficient to bring
the First Lady to the edge of sexual ecstasy after all! Correct?
no no my prince, I swear
BUNNY: Me too. We did nothing (thinks)
BUNNY: Remember sweetie? There was that one little smooch
we had before we left the Lexx the last time
PRIEST: No we didn't, I don't
(But a little heart shaped flashback (from 4.13 769) appears
on screen, as he and Bunny remember -
(Bunny grabs hold of him, starts
PRIEST: No Bunny - not now, we can't
undoes his belt)
PRIEST: I mean, we shouldn't
up her top)
PRIEST: I mean - we have to be quick
starts kissing her - and the key flies away)
PRINCE: Oh, you useless
idiots! Your suffering will know no bounds! However - at least you lost it here,
which means that it is still on board, which means that it is now in one of the
moth breeders, as they are the only humans left. So, go out and start killing
them until you find the key
PRIEST: Again? My arms are still tired from the
last lot I slaughtered
PRINCE: Well, Bunny will help you, won't you
Bunnykins? You are an aerobics instructor, remember?
(Priest and Bunny go into the moth breeding
PRIEST: Don't look so glum, Bunnykins. Killing these
fellows can be quite enjoyable - well, if you get in the right frame of
(He puts on a cowboy hat. Bunny walks into a
BUNNY: Oh - I don't wanna kill anything
PRIEST: But it's
our duty, my sweet jam jar - and you're lucky. Last time, I had to strangle them
by hand. But this time -
(Priest moves behind a nearby moth breeder,
who is working on a moth)
PRIEST: I'm prepared
(he holds up two guns) Now I just take aim at the nearest little blue head.
Nothing to it
(Priest shoots the moth breeder, who falls dead into
the moth. Bunny looks at it. Priest shoots another - and the key flies
PRIEST: The key! Get it!
(Bunny clambers through the
moth after the key)
PRIEST: Get it Bunnykins. Faster, Bunny, come on
(Bunny chases it to another moth
BUNNY: It went into him
(The scene turns into a
Benny Hill style montage. Priest shoots the moth breeder, the key flies past
Bunny into another moth breeder. Priest shoots, reloads. Bunny chases the key
down the corridor. Priest starts shooting again. Moth breeders are dropping like
flies. Bunny keeps holding her hand up, without success)
key doesn't like me anymore!
(Back at Longbore's compound, Tina leads
Kai into the video room)
TINA: I want you to see this video of Dr
Longbore I secretly recorded this afternoon. Sit down
the video, then sits beside Kai, with her arm around him. The video shows Dr
Longbore speaking to some candidates)
LONG: It is time now. I will
share with you my plan. My holy mission is to propagate a new and vastly
improved humanity, a thousand times more vital than would be possible with mere
chance breeding. So my little chucks, please remove your undergarments and give
them to Dougall. He will return them once I have made the
(The candidates seem surprised, but start removing
clothing. Longbore smiles. Tina stops the tape)
TINA: I think Dr
Longbore is becoming more and more mentally unstable, to the point where I don't
think he can be trusted
KAI: What do you mean?
TINA: He talks about
histocompatability, but if that's true then there should be an equal number of
male and female candidates. Yet he never seems to show much interest in the
boys' underwear. At first, I thought he was just really interested in sniffing
girls' panties, but - I think it's worse than that
TINA: I don't
think Dr Longbore is sincere about taking you along
KAI: I suggest that you
keep an eye on him
TINA: A group of us are. And Kai?
While I'm keeping an eye on Dr Longbore, can I keep my thighs wrapped around
(She turns in her chair, spreads her legs around Kai - who
TINA: Well, I had to ask
(Meanwhile, back in the
moth breeding chamber, Bunny is in a moth, and a moth breeder goes to put a door
on in front of her. Priest shoots the moth breeder, and the key flies out.
Priest shoots some more moth breeders, but the key still ignores
BUNNY: It's not working! I'm trying, Mr President, I'm really
trying, but we've killed a zillion of these poor little blue guys and we still
don't have the key and I'm tired. Why don't you try?
(She tries to
pull a gun away from Priest and it goes off - accidentally killing a moth
breeder. The key flies out of it - straight into Bunny's
PRIEST: You got it
BUNNY: Mr President
to kiss him, but he stops her)
PRIEST: No no Bunnykins, you know we
can't. The key
(He holds her hand out in front of them, and they head
back to the bridge. 790's eye screens flicker)
(Bunny holds up her hand, and the key glows briefly. Prince
sighs with relief)
PRINCE: Finally! Now quickly Bunny, take command
of the Lexx
(Bunny gets up on the pedestal, puts her hand on the
template - this time, it activates)
LEXX: Hello, captain
(The view screen shows an image of Earth)
Goodbye, so long
PRINCE: Good riddance. Yes - Bunny?
PRINCE: What do people think of me?
BUNNY: They say you're -
PRINCE: Exactly! And so my going away present to the Earth should be
consistent with my reputation. Bunny - tell the Lexx to turn around and blow up
the little blue planet
BUNNY: What? (she's not at all sure about
PRIEST: It's OK Bunny, it's all for the better
PRIEST: You're doing it all for the better, right my prince?
No! It's all for the worse. Now quick Bunny, blast the planet
Priest) Do I have to?
PRIEST: Oo, yes Bunnykins, I'm afraid it's just
one of those difficult things that you have to do sometimes
BUNNY: Lexx - umm
- I want you to turn around (upset) - and - umm - turn around and - I
LEXX: Would you like me to destroy the blue planet now?
BUNNY: Oh, I can't!
(She gets down from the
BUNNY: I mean, what about all my friends, and my aerobics
class, and Mr Fuzzy -
PRINCE: Convince her
PRIEST: Just, just think of
them all as moth breeders, Bunnykins - little blue gnomes, nothing more, easy to
kill - mostly. Fun
BUNNY: My mom is not a little blue gnome!
not so sure about that
PRIEST: No, but you can do it Bunnykins (kisses
her shoulder) The Earth is a Type 13 planet and it's doomed anyway. By
blowing it up you will be saving your mom (licks her stomach) and
aerobics team and everyone else from a terrible future of misery and suffering.
You will be doing them all a big favour, and me an even bigger one. You'll make
me very, very, very, very, very happy
BUNNY: I live to make you happy Mr
President - but isn't this too much?
PRIEST: Bunny, Bunnykins (kisses
her) My Bunny boo boo, honey pot, love ladle(laughs) My succulent
squeezy squoo oogie poogie pogo pudding
(Prince looks like he's going
to throw up)
PRIEST: Pleasy weasy?
BUNNY: You always know just
how to convince me
(She gets back on the pedestal)
Lexx - I want you to blow up the Earth!
fires - but it's only a small blast, so just blows up Ottawa - and the Edice
Jean Calvin building, home of the Canadian Radio-television &
Telecommunications Commission "protecting Canadians from themselves", hee
PRINCE: Ask the Lexx what is wrong with him
PRINCE: Because the Earth is still there. He only managed to destroy
PRIEST: What's Ottawa?
PRINCE: A small-minded little backwater that
until just now served as the capital of Canada
(Longbore's lab. Xev,
Stan and Dougall are looking at monitors)
DOUG: Well look
DOUG: This is the NASA feed - the one they use to keep watch on the
Lexx. Seems like the Lexx just blew up the city of Ottawa
STAN: But the Lexx
can't blow up anything unless somebody orders it to
XEV: Exactly. There's
someone on the Lexx
XEV: With the key
STAN: Kai, we gotta
get Kai. Kai!
STAN: Kai, we gotta get back to the Lexx right
(Meanwhile, back on the Lexx - )
LEXX: I wanted to
blow up the planet but I couldn't because I am very hungry and very weak,
captain, and not feeling well
BUNNY: Oh. Well, why don't you eat
LEXX: I would like to eat something on that planet. Then, I would
feel better, and do exactly as you command, all the time
retches, and the bridge shakes. The TV slides along - Priest steadies
PRINCE: Tell him he can eat the moon
BUNNY: How about the
moon, Lexx? Would that do?
LEXX: The moon is hard and rocky and not tasty. I
have wanted to eat Holland for a long time. Holland is not hard and rocky, and
is full of yummy protein. May I eat Holland?
(There is an image of
Holland on the view screen)
PRIEST: Do we care about Holland, my
PRINCE: No, of course not! Tell him he can eat it, but he has to be
quick about it
PRIEST: Holland schmolland it is, butter button
Aren't there people there?
PRINCE: Of course! But they're Dutch. They're used
BUNNY: Oh. Holland's all yours, Lexx
LEXX: Oh goody. A tasty
(The Lexx heads for Earth. The moth leaves Longbore's
STAN: We'll never catch up to it. The Lexx is way faster than a
XEV: Maybe not in its present condition
(Kai looks at the
moth's view screen)
KAI: It is not necessary for the moth to be able
to travel faster than the Lexx, as the Lexx appears to be heading back towards
(Holland. A field with a windmill, dragonflies, and an
artist painting a picture of a pile of cheese. The artist looks up to see what's
blocking his light - it's the Lexx, which starts sucking up all the yummy
organic matter of Holland)
XEV: Look. What's the Lexx doing?
The Lexx is eating Holland
(The Lexx flies back into space, belching
out some green stuff. What's left of Holland does not look good. The moth
KAI: The Lexx is not travelling at speed but its velocity
is still greater than the moth's. We will not be able to catch up with
STAN: Who's on there, who's doing this?!
XEV: Prince is dead,
(Tina appears on the moth's view screen,
TINA: Kai, Mr Tweedle, Miss Xev - it's Tina. If any of
you are getting this please respond, please
KAI: This is Kai. What is it
TINA: Oh good, you're there. Dr Longbore lied to you about the
XEV: Lied how?
TINA: He told you that the ship was 75% complete. He
tells everyone that. But I think it's more like 99% ready
STAN: Sounds like
good news to me
TINA: No! That's what he tells people like us, who've been
with him from the very beginning. People who he promised could come. That's what
he tells people he plans to leave behind - including you! Kai, I was
KAI: Are you certain of this, Tina?
TINA: Yes. And me and some
others are starting to feel afraid. We're very careful, but I'm beginning to
think he's not planning to take us at all! He's just gonna leave us behind -
(Someone comes up behind Tina, grabs her - she screams, then falls
to the ground)
(The Lexx is
flying by the moon. Bunny is on the pedestal. A dragonfly is buzzing around
BUNNY: Gee - that little bug looks just like you,
(The dragonfly flies off down a corridor, and into an orifice.
Lexx starts making happy moaning sounds. Bunny and Priest listen, and
LEXX: I've got a new friend
(Meanwhile, back on the moth - )
gonna kill Dr Longbore with my bare hands
XEV: After I do
KAI: No - after
I kill him
(The dead seem quite angry. Stan and Xev look at Kai,
STAN: Listen, do we have any chance at all of catching up
with the Lexx?
(On the bridge, Priest is kneeling by the
TV. Bunny is sulking on the pedestal)
PRINCE: I won. I always do -
in the end
PRIEST: You are a genius in a box, my prince
PRINCE: And out of
PRIEST: You are of course a genius as well
PRINCE: One last job to
finish before we leave. Bunny, tell the Lexx to turn around and blow up the
BUNNY: We already tried that
PRINCE: Yes, we have. But now the
Lexx is back at full strength, so let's try it again
(Priest gets up
and goes to Bunny)
BUNNY: Lexx, are you back at full
LEXX: Almost, captain
LEXX: I can now blow
up whatever planet you want
BUNNY: (to Priest) Are you
PRIEST: It's a type 13 planet, Bunnykins
BUNNY: Lexx - turn
LEXX: As you command, captain
(The Lexx turns to point
directly at Earth - and the moth)
KAI: The Lexx
appears to be slowing
BUNNY: Do you really really really want me
PRIEST: I really really really really really really want you to Bunnykins
(strokes her hand)
PRINCE: Goodbye, you ridiculous planet. And a
special farewell to Kai and Stanley and Xev. Thanks for the memories
BUNNY: Lexx - I want you to -
Lexx powers up)
BUNNY: - blow up - the -
grabs Priest by the neck)
KAI: Bunny, stop - or the President loses
(Prince closes his eyes. Stan and Xev join Kai on the
PRINCE: Bunny, tell them the name of the planet you were
about to destroy
BUNNY: Uh -
LEXX: I am very ready to blow up the blue
planet. May I do that now, captain?
BUNNY: No planet. Lexx, I command you to
blow up no planet!
LEXX: As you command, captain
disappointed. The Lexx powers down. Kai releases Priest, who is
790: Kai! You came back! Oh, heaven on a stick, I live and
(Kai walks over to the TV)
PRINCE: Kai, it's
so - special, to see you. You too, Stanley. And of course you, Xev
save it! You just tried to kill us, once again, us and everyone else on this
PRINCE: I know! I'm evil, what do you expect?
STAN: Kai - turn him
PRINCE: Sorry Stanley - I'm not even plugged in. It appears that I am the
ghost in the machine
STAN: Well, then we'll just get rid of the
XEV: Good idea. As for you -
(She walks over to Priest,
who gets down on his knees with Bunny)
PRIEST: No no no no no.
Isambard made us do it. Bunnykins and I were merely dupes in his terrible plan.
We are good people, forced to do horrible things
STAN: No! You're horrible
people, forced to do horrible things - well, just forget about that for now.
Right now - let's get the key back where it belongs (holds up his hand)
KAI: She will release the key at the point of
death(he readies his brace)
BUNNY: You're not gonna kill
STAN: Oh no. No no no. No, I've got a much better idea
(Bunny is lying in Stan's moth bed. Priest watches
through an eye socket as Stan takes off her shoe - Bunny doesn't look
PRIEST: Must I watch?
STAN: Yes, you must
STAN: That's the point (he kisses Bunny's foot) Oo,
now Bunnykins - time for some funnykins
(He kisses her, holds her
hand, shakes it, looking for the key)
STAN: Come on now - put a
little effort into it
(But needless to say, Bunny is nowhere near the
edge of sexual ecstasy, so nothing happens)
STAN: Is she always this
BUNNY: I'm trying, it's just that I keep thinking I'm gonna be
STAN: Yeah, well we can get the key out of you the other way you
(Xev walks in)
XEV: Stan, how's it going?
Well, Bunny's holding out on me, that's how it's going
STAN: Yeah, well she's resisting all my charms
XEV: What charms
are those, Stan?
BUNNY: It's not my fault if I don't feel
tingly. Only the President makes me feel tingly
STAN: That is ridiculous -
I'm the tingle king!
(Priest climbs into the bed, holds
PRIEST: Thank you for your efforts, but now I think it's time
for me to offer my humble services to extract the key. Bunny will quickly reach
the peak of sexual ecstasy and the key will be yours
(Stan pulls him
off the bed)
STAN: No no no no no. You are evil and we're not giving
you any satisfaction
PRIEST: But if you want the key -
XEV: Let me try
(Xev walks slowly towards Bunny)
XEV: I felt a
tingle when we played truth or dare, and Stan dared us to kiss - didn't
BUNNY: Yeah, maybe (giggles) a little bit anyway
(Stan and Priest are out in the passageway, listening
to moans, sighs, purrs)
STAN: I gotta go in there! I gotta go back
PRIEST: I'm with you
STAN: No you're not. Evil
(Stan sneaks back in and peers through the moth bed's eye
sockets. He watches as Bunny's hand starts to glow. He manages to get his hand
between Bunny's and Xev's, as the key leaps out - back into
STAN: Yes! Yes!
(He runs away, laughing. Xev snarls
at him. Bunny looks dazed)
BUNNY: Wow. Can we do that
(On the bridge. Kai is standing by the TV as Stan, Bunny,
Priest and Xev return)
STAN: I'm very disappointed. And you two -
you should be very very grateful that we're letting you go. Now just get into
your space shuttle and go back to that stupid planet before we change our mind.
(Priest and Bunny hold hands and walk
PRIEST: Bunnykins, please answer one question - you haven't
gone over to the other team, have you?
BUNNY: Let's just say, I'm a
complicated woman Mr President - really a lot
STAN: (to Prince) And
KAI: You are coming with me
(Kai starts wheeling the TV
PRINCE: Really? And where are you taking me?
KAI: Out in a
moth, to the moon, where I will crash you at high velocity onto its airless
PRINCE: And you think then that you will be rid of me, do
(Kai is now in a moth, with the
PRINCE: I must say, I object to this treatment
moth heads for the moon, while the shuttle head towards Earth)
up on the pedestal, and smiles as he activates the template)
Lexx - who's the man? I mean, who, is the man?!
LEXX: You are, Stan, Stan and
STAN: - and only Stan! (laughs, claps)
© Filking Fairy
© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana