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Lexx 4.13 769
(written by Paul Donovan, Lex Gigeroff)

(The Lexx orbits the Moon. Inside, Prince is in the toilet. He leans across it, and hides a gun. 790 wheels up behind him, and Prince steps down to look at him)

790: Quick, we don't have much time
PRINCE: Time for what?
790: I would like to make a proposal
PRINCE: I'm listening
790: I want Kai. I don't care about Stan and Xev. I don't care about the Lexx or planet Earth. I only care about my stiff!
PRINCE: I'm so surprised
790: We should be working together, so I get to spend the rest of my days alone with Kai, with no-one else around
PRINCE: Very well - I will help you if you will help me. I want to get control of the Lexx, so that I will have a way off this planet when it comes to total ruin, as it soon will
790: Why not just find that porn star LooLoo, who stole the key to the Lexx from Stan, and kill her?
PRINCE: No, ATF agents have been scouring the planet for LooLoo for some time without success. I've come to the conclusion that she never came back to the Earth, but remained here on the Lexx
790: Then, she must have been killed by Vlad. Which means the key would have left her body and gone - into a moth breeder! Since they were the only human beings onboard at the time - if you can call them human
PRINCE: Robot head (he crouches down by 790) - we have a deal

790: Could you turn me around please? I'm getting nauseous

(Prince looks up. Stan has just arrived)

STAN: I thought so
PRINCE: Thought what, Stanley?

(Stan picks 790 up. Prince stands up)

STAN: That you two would get up to something the minute you got a chance. You know what this makes me feel like doing?
PRINCE: You know Stanley, we were thinking -
STAN: Yeah? Well that really worries me

(Stan leaves. Kai is also there, and looks at Prince. They all go back to the bridge, where Xev, Bunny and Priest are sitting having a picnic)

STAN: Hey Xev - guess who I found together? 790 and Prince - alone!

(Stan throws 790 to Kai, then goes up to Prince)

STAN: So you wanna tell us what you were up to?
PRINCE: I am up to a new spirit of communication between us all
STAN: Oh no no pal - you have finally crossed the line. I think maybe Kai should do his assassin thing on you, right here and right now. What do you say, Xev?
XEV: I say that's a very appealing idea(smiles)
PRINCE: Wouldn't you even like to try and improve relationship going forward?
STAN: How about no relationship going forward, because you'll be dead!

(Xev gets up and stands beside Prince)

XEV: Right. You're evil, and you should die
PRINCE: To kill an innocent man in cold blood can hardly be described as an act of good. Have you become evil yourself, Stanley Tweedle?
STAN: No no no! Don't you try and talk your way outta this. Kai - you got a problem killing him?
STAN: OK, well that's it then. Say goodbye Prince, and good riddance

(Kai readies his brace)

STAN: You're with me on this, right Xev?

(Xev nods. Priest and Bunny are trying to make themselves as inconspicuous as possible)

PRINCE: Do I even get to say a few last words?
STAN: OK, just, just - keep it short
PRINCE: Very well. I am sorry that you have no food, and will have to return to the doomed planet Earth. I am sorry that in the past, I have made you suffer (to Xev) And I wish you all the very best of luck
STAN: That's it?
PRINCE: (smiles) That's it
STAN: OK. Then let's get on with it. Let's get this done. Right Xev? Hmm?

(Xev isn't looking as sure about it as she was before)

KAI: Stanley, when you say the words "Kill him now" I will kill him
STAN: Oh, I say - I say - Kill -

(Stan points at Prince, but he can't bring himself to say the words. He lets his arm drop, walks up to Prince)

STAN: You know, that it's perfectly fair for Kai to kill you right here and right now, right on this spot
PRINCE: It is fair, yes, but it is not merciful

(Stan pulls a face, and walks away)

XEV: All right, all right, we're not going to kill you now. We're probably making a big mistake, but we're not evil like you, so just get off our ship now and go back to your Type 13 planet Earth and we'll find ourselves a much nicer one

(Stan pulls Priest and Bunny away from the picnic)

STAN: Go! Just go before we change our minds

(They head down the passageway to the moth platform, Kai carrying 790)

790: Kai - you're my hero!
STAN: The food stays with us! (to Xev) Xev, I mean it about 790, he's way out of control, we've gotta do something about him now
XEV: Like what?
STAN: I don't know! Crush him, reprogram him somehow, or at the very least lock him up!
PRINCE: (to Xev) So this is it
XEV: Yes
STAN: Yeah. You leave, we stay. Now go! Kai, if he tries anything funny, you don't have to ask us, just kill him

(But Kai is standing rigid, holding onto a metal support)

STAN: Kai?
XEV: Leave now, or Kai will kill you
PRINCE: I don't think so
STAN: Oh, he will. Kai -
PRINCE: - Appears to be having some sort of problem with his protoblood. In fact -

(He taps Kai, who falls over)

PRINCE: - He doesn't appear to have any (smiles) Goodbye Xev

(He kisses her. She hisses at him, but he just chuckles, and walks away. Xev and Stan kneel down by Kai - then see Prince, Priest and Bunny heading for the moth)

XEV: Hey, shouldn't they be taking their space shuttle?
STAN: I don't care what they take, as long as they leave

(Prince puts something into the moth, then climbs in. Priest and Bunny go around to the other side)

STAN: You're afraid of the Cluster lizard, aren't you Prince?!

(The moth takes off - leaving Bunny behind, waving)

STAN: You're - (sees Bunny) What are you doing here?
BUNNY: I don't know (shrugs) They left me behind! (cries)
XEV: Well, we have to get fresh protoblood for Kai right away

(Stan and Xev drag Kai to the cryochamber. He's on the floor being topped up for a while before he wakes up)

STAN: Oh - I was worried there for a while
KAI: Where is 790?
STAN: He was on the bridge - wasn't he?
KAI: It is unusual for him to have chosen not to be here when you revived me
STAN: Uh oh

(Kai gets up and heads for the bridge, with the others following)

(The moth lands in the Moth breeding chamber. Prince holds up 790)

PRINCE: Which one of these has the key to the Lexx?
790: All moth breeders started off as human prisoners on the Cluster. Any parts of their brain unnecessary for moth breeding were immediately excised after they were sentenced for their crimes
PRINCE: What crimes?
790: Using the incorrect fork, cutting the nose off the cheese, whatever! And who cares?!

(Priest laughs, until Prince looks at him)

790: All that matters is that now they do not respond to questions except those directly related to moth breeding and construction
PRIEST: You seem to know rather a lot about them
790: That's because it was my job to vacuum out their useless bits of brain matter. It was one of the special skills of the model 790 robot
PRINCE: So - how do we tell which one of these brainless (gets out of moth) gentlemen has the key to the Lexx?

(Moth breeders walk around, ignoring them)

790: There's two options - you could bring them to the very height of sexual ecstasy - but they have no equipment to get ecstatic with, so that's a dead end. Or you can bring them to the very edge of death
PRINCE: Well, I'm naturally predisposed to the latter. You - come

(He beckons a moth breeder, who walks over to them)

PRINCE: Strangle him
PRIEST: My prince

(Priest starts strangling the moth breeder)

790: His hand will glow if he's the one
PRINCE: Come on, out with it

(He hits the moth breeder's head. The poor thing falls to the floor, dead. Prince smiles)

PRINCE: What a delightful waste of human life. You - come

(Another moth breeder walks up to Priest, who waves his hand in front of its face, and laughs)

PRIEST: They are very stupid!

(Prince slaps the back of Priest's head)


(He starts strangling again)

(Meanwhile, everyone else is walking along the passageway to the bridge)

STAN: Prince is gone. You know, he and 790 were up to something, I know it. It's the only possibility
BUNNY: Well, they never tell me what they're up to, and they left me behind for some reason - I hope
XEV: So what are they up to?

(In the moth breeding chamber, there is now a pile of bodies. Prince is sitting on the leg of the moth with 790, watching Priest strangle yet another moth breeder)

PRIEST: My arms are getting tired
790: Not yet
PRINCE: Patience, patience

(The moth breeder raises a hand, which starts to glow)

790: That's it!

(Priest lets go. Prince stands by the moth breeder)

PRINCE: This is your lucky day
PRIEST: Not mine. My arms feel like they are going to fall off

(He shakes his hands, until Prince looks at him)


(Stan, Kai, Xev and Bunny arrive on the bridge. Bunny points at the view screen, which shows the moth heading for Earth)

BUNNY: Look! Do you think it's the President?
STAN: In fact I do. At least they're heading in the right direction, which is away from us

(Prince is flying the moth. Priest is sitting beside him, holding 790, and the moth breeder is in the back)

790: Do you know what the secret to really great sex is?
PRINCE: No, do tell me
790: A really big stiff!(laughs)
PRIEST: First Lady Bunny says that too

(The moth heads for Washington)

(The cryochamber. Kai gets into his cryopod)

STAN: Are you sure about this Xev?
XEV: Well, we know that Prince has gone down to Earth and that Kai's supply of protoblood is limited, so I think we should save him for when we really need him. Don't you agree Kai?
KAI: Yes

(The moth has landed in Washington. In the White House (?) Prince is standing by a screen - some sort of surgery is taking place behind it)

790: Three microns more - now two - one - stop! Oh yeah baby, that feels good!
PRINCE: Careful, careful
790: I'm a-coming for the man in black - yeah!

(Prince looks of the shoulders of the two surgeons (mechanics?) working on 790)

790: Hey!
PRINCE: What is it?
790: I can feel something
PRINCE: What, 790?
790: My - my -
PRINCE: Yes, yes?
790: My hands!

(Fists punch the doctors to the ground, and 790 sits up - he's now attached to the moth breeder's shoulders, next to the original head. He gets off the operating table and staggers around clumsily, the moth breeder banging his head against the lights)

790: Wait till Kai gets a load of me. And Prince?
790: On the Cluster, a 790 robot attached to a body that kept its original head was called a 769, so that's what you should call me now, if you don't mind
PRINCE: Not a problem, 769. So part one of your transformation is complete

(The doctors get up, but 790 knocks them down again)

790: Yes. And now it's time for part two - the big part!

(In the cryochamber, Stan is trying to talk Xev and Bunny into something)

STAN: No no no, see what I'm saying is here we are, three of us, you know, one man, two women - one very healthy man, two very -

(He puts his arms around their waists)

BUNNY: Who wants to play a game?
XEV: What kind of game?
STAN: I'm interested in just one type of game

(He pulls them close to him, but Xev walks away)

BUNNY: It's called Truth or Dare. We used to play it in high school all the time, it's really fun
STAN: Yeah, I'm sure Bunny you used to play some wonderful games in high school, but you see now were grown ups, and now we play grown up games
BUNNY: It is a grown up game
STAN: Oh yeah, how so?
BUNNY: Well, you have to play to find out
XEV: All right
BUNNY: Come on!

(They go into Xev's bedchamber, all sit on the bed)

BUNNY: OK - so someone starts off by asking someone else "Truth or dare?" Now if you say "Truth" then you have to answer the truth, no matter how weird or embarrassing it might be. And if you say "Dare" then you have to do whatever that person dares you to do
STAN: Yeah well what about if you said like, er, OK "Stan, jump off the bridge"?
BUNNY: I wouldn't say that
STAN: Yeah yeah yeah yeah, but what if you did? Would I have to do that? Because if I do, I'm not playing
BUNNY: It doesn't work like that! You know, you're supposed to give people hard dares but, you know, ones they can do, not ones that are gonna like - kill them, or anything
XEV: That could be fun
STAN: Or not
BUNNY: Can we start? Can I go first?
XEV: Sure
BUNNY: OK - Xev, truth or dare?
XEV: Um - truth
BUNNY: Truth. OK, um - have you ever wanted to go all the way with Stan?
XEV: Stan? Let me think - have I ever wanted to go all the way with Stan? Now when you say all the way, do you mean giving him everything a love slave could give a man, like a total passionate commitment to satisfying his every desire?
BUNNY: Um - yeah

(Stan looks disappointed - you think he'd be used to this by now!)

XEV: Sorry Stan, it's the truth
STAN: OK, my turn - boy, have I got a dare for you

(The Oval Office. President Priest is singing a song in French (Sur le Pont d'Avignon?). He is playing an accordion, wearing a beret and a string of onions, and has a baguette in his pocket. Three French diplomats give him a round of applause)

FRENCH: It is incroyable that no-one knows that your mother is French
PRIEST: On her father's side
FRENCH: This makes it easy - you can dump your old nuclear submarines in the Indian Ocean, off Australia, wherever you want. France will no longer object
PRIEST: Merci beaucoup, monsieur (they clink glasses)
FRENCH: A votre sante, et au revoir
PRIEST: Au revoir monsieur, merci beaucoup

(Priest hurries them out of the office, rapidly using up his French vocabulary)

PRIEST: Au revoir, Paris, Paris, baguette, bonsoir, oui. Au revoir, baguette, brioche, brioche, brioche!

(They leave. He shuts the door)

PRIEST: That went well

(He goes to his desk, takes off his French props, and rummages in another dressing up box. By the time three Native Americans come in, he's wearing a cowboy hat and boots, sitting with his feet propped up on the desk, twirling a gun. He offers them some tobacco)

NATIVE: No thank you

(Priest spits his tobacco out, then walks over to them, and shows off his gun - and his cowboy accent)

PRIEST: It's my grandpa's. He used to run his cattle across Indian lands in Oklahoma. Five notches on the handle. Grandpa used to say "The sound of a Colt 45 is the only language the no-good redskin varmints understand"

(He laughs. They don't. Priest realises something is wrong)

PRIEST: You are the representatives of the Western Cattlemen's Association, right?
NATIVE: No. We are no-good redskin varmints actually
PRIEST: Hmm. I see. In that case I must have the wrong box. The wrong box! The wrong box actually, sorry

(Priest goes back to his desk, as Prince and 790 enter. Priest pulls on a feather head-dress and gets out a pipe - then sees Prince and 790)

PRIEST: And that means you have to leave now, yes yes, time to go. Don't worry, we'll smoke a peace pipe and you'll get plenty of wampum. That's right, everything's fine, bye bye then, goodbye

(He ushers them out of the office)

PRIEST: Marvellous work

(He pats 790 on the head)

790: Hello

(Prince holds out his hand. Priest kisses it)

PRIEST: My prince
MOTHB: Must build more moths
790: Shut up! So where's the beefcake?
PRIEST: Yes, yes, the beefcake (on intercom) We are ready for the beefcake now, send them in
PRINCE: Ten - shun! Hut hut hut hut hut!

(Six army guys march in, salute)

PRINCE: Stand at ease

(He walks over to the men)

PRINCE: Gentlemen, as you know the Commander in Chief has always had a great affection for his armed forces - and their (looks down) - equipment. You have been called to the Oval Office today for a special short arm inspection
790: I want a long one!
PRINCE: Yes, yes (to soldiers) We live in difficult times gentlemen, and in difficult times the best among us are often called upon to make a heavy sacrifice for the good of the nation. And for the most gifted of you, today is the day for that sacrifice
790: I want the black one!
PRINCE: Having combed through the medical records of nearly two million men, you six have stood out from your peers for one simple yet crucial reason, which is vital to our national defence
790: You've all got massive torpedoes in your pants!
PRINCE: What my colleague from the CIA here is trying to say, is that in order to determine the longest-
790: And the thickest! Don't forget the thickest!
PRINCE: - the longest, short arm, it is necessary for you all to immediately drop your drawers
790: You heard the man - drop 'em!
PRIEST: That's an order, from your Commander in Chief

(They drop 'em)

PRINCE: See anything you like?
790: I can only pick one, right?
PRINCE: I think that would be best
790: Let me have a closer look

(790 walks along, inspecting each man in turn)

790: Come on soldier, stand to attention... Let's see a little life in the old cannon... What are you, sick or something?... Oooo
PRINCE: Happy?
790: I will be
PRINCE: Good. Pants up! Dismissed!

(They pull their pants up and leave - but Prince stops one of them)

PRINCE: Not you, soldier
790: You're the one - the man with the big artillery
PRINCE: Thank you Mr President. We'll take care of it - of him, from here on. Walk this way, soldier

(Prince, 790 and the soldier leave. Priest aims his gun at them)


(On the Lexx, Truth or Dare continues)

STAN: Truth or dare, Xev
XEV: Dare
STAN: OK Xev - I dare you to right now plant a real live wife bank trained love slave quality big fat wet kiss on a real live red-blooded human specimen, meaning one who's not dead and one who's not half Cluster lizard, just in case you try to kiss yourself
XEV: I thought you weren't supposed to give people dares that you knew they couldn't do
STAN: Yeah, unlike jumping off the bridge, well locking your lips on mine is not exactly like jumping off the bridge Xev, not exactly at all, as you will soon find out
XEV: OK then - I take your dare. I'll show you how a love slave kisses

(Xev leans forward. Stan puckers up. Xev moans - and kisses Bunny instead, which comes as a pleasant surprise for Bunny, if not Stan)

STAN: Oh come on, that's cheating! Xev, you're cheating. Xev - cheating

(Xev breaks off the kiss)

XEV: What?
STAN: Cheating?
XEV: Bunny - you're a real live hot-blooded human specimen, aren't you?
BUNNY: I think so! (giggles)
XEV: So do I
STAN: Oh, yuck!

(The White House. The unfortunate young soldier is lying on an operating table, saluting, in full uniform - with a bandage around his crotch. An army guy places a medal on the bandage)

ARMY: Congratulations, soldier. You've certainly earned your Purple Heart

(790 is on a table nearby, undergoing more surgery)

790: Oh yeah baby - that's it, oh, that's it! That's the one

(Back on the Lexx, Stan has now lost all interest in the game)

XEV: So Bunny - truth or dare?
BUNNY: Um - I wanna ask you both a question. Can - can I go to the bathroom?
XEV: You don't have to use up your question to go to the bathroom
STAN: Why shouldn't she, it's a question
BUNNY: So, can I go?
XEV: Of course
BUNNY: OK. Um - I'm going there now

(She runs into the toilet, and removes the gun from its hiding place)

BUNNY: I'm only doing this for you, Mr President

(As soon as his surgery is complete, 790 gets up and knocks the doctors out)

790: Feels really good! It's missile launching time!

(He gets off the bed, and punches some ATF guards who try to stop him)

790: Dead man, 769's flying home - with a present for you

(The moth takes off)

(Back in Xev's bedchamber - )

STAN: So that's it, eh Xev? Every time I come up with a good dare you're gonna find a way to cheat and not do it, huh?
XEV: Well, you haven't come up with a good dare yet
STAN: Well neither have you!
XEV: (laughs) I already know all the truths I wanna know about you, and I can't think of any dare that does anything for me either - except one
STAN: What's that?
XEV: I dare you to jump off the bridge (smiles)
STAN: Ha ha ha

(Bunny returns)

XEV: Bunny! It's your turn - truth or dare?

(Bunny points the gun at them)

STAN: What's that?
BUNNY: A gun
STAN: A gun, uh huh
XEV: Where did you get the gun, Bunny?
BUNNY: I found it in the bathroom
XEV: What are you going to do with that gun?
BUNNY: I'm gonna shoot you - both of you
STAN: OK now Bunny, just put the - (he tries to get up)
BUNNY: Don't! Look, I don't wanna do this but I have to, OK?
XEV: Why?
BUNNY: I'm sorry, but I just have to
STAN: Your husband put you up to this, didn't he?
BUNNY: Look, I don't wanna talk about it. It's bad enough that I have to shoot you
XEV: Bunny - Prince is evil. Your husband is evil. You are not evil. You don't have to shoot anyone if you don't want to
BUNNY: Yes I do! You don't respect the presidency, either of you
STAN: Well yeah, that's true, Bunny, we don't respect the President, and we don't respect Prince, but is that any reason to kill us?
XEV: Listen - Prince controls your husband. If you kill us, you're not doing what he wants, but what Prince wants
BUNNY:(agitated) I know what I'm doing!
XEV: Bunny, think. If you kill us, then Kai will kill you. And if he finds out that Prince and Priest were behind this he will kill them too
BUNNY: Uh uh - he's in cryo-freezy
STAN: OK look Bunny, a joke is a joke, OK, now put the gun away
BUNNY: Look I'm sorry but I still have to kill you
XEV: Bunny, look at me. You are not evil - they are
BUNNY: Stop saying those things. President Priest is the most wonderful, loyal decent man in the whole world and I love him completely
STAN: Now look -

(He tries to stand up again, but she points the gun at him and he sits down)

BUNNY: Don't make this any harder than it already is
BUNNY: I guess this is goodbye then
STAN: No Bunny wait!
BUNNY: Goodbye Stan. Goodbye Xev. You were a really good kisser

(Xev nods - she has to admit this. Bunny points the gun, looks away)

(The Oval Office. A man is hammering at the back of the television)

MAN: Getting the signal now

(The television shows the Lexx bridge - and Bunny holding the gun)

BUNNY: Mr President? I did it. I shot them

(She can see Prince and Priest on the view screen)

PRINCE: Good. And are they dead?
BUNNY: Yeah. I went in there with the gun that you left for me and I shot them. They're dead all right
PRINCE: Where did you shoot them?
BUNNY: Between the eyes
PRINCE: That's unfortunate
BUNNY: I thought that's what you wanted
PRINCE: A quick death would have been better. However, so long as the job is done
BUNNY: It was a quick death
PRIEST: You're such a good Bunny
BUNNY: I love you. I would do anything for you Mr President. Can I come back now?
PRINCE: I think you should come back now Bunny, to the White House, and have a little private celebration with the President
BUNNY: Oh, I can hardly wait! (jumps up and down, excited)
PRINCE: But it will have to wait until you bring the bodies of Xev and Stan with you. We must make sure they have a proper burial
PRIEST: I know, it's a terrible job, Bunny wunny
PRINCE: Especially with Tweedle. He's fat
PRIEST: And ugly
PRINCE: And stupid
PRIEST: And old
PRINCE: And cowardly
PRIEST: And pathetic
PRINCE: And boring
PRIEST: You can drag the security guard upside down if you want, so you don't have to look at his fat, ugly, stupid, old -
PRINCE: Cowardly
PRIEST: Cowardly, pathetic, boring face - on the trip home
PRINCE: Cheerie bye, First Lady Bunny (waves)
PRIEST: Bye bye, Bunny wunny (waves)
BUNNY: Bye! (waves)

(The view screen goes blank - and Stan and Xev step out from behind the control pedestal)

STAN: That's it! I'm gonna wake up Kai and tell him to go down to Earth and kill them right now!
BUNNY: But you said just Prince! That was the deal, remember, that you wouldn't harm the President if I helped you!
STAN: OK, OK, just Prince, not that the President doesn't deserve it just as much - almost
XEV: Don't worry Bunny - you did the right thing

(She puts her arm around Bunny's shoulders)

BUNNY: I don't know - but I can't kill anybody
STAN: Well that's because you're not a killer - but Kai definitely is. Did you hear what they said about me?
XEV: Yes
STAN: They said I was old!
XEV: Well you are - more than four thousand years old in fact

(They are about to leave the bridge, when a moth lands on the moth platform, and 790 gets out)

STAN: 790?!
790: 790? (waves a finger) No no no no. I used to be called 790 - but he was just a robot head, limited in the means of love. The new 769 has all the equipment a dead man could ever want
STAN: I don't believe this
790: I'm back - bigger and better than ever
XEV: Well 790, you obviously got what you wanted. What did Prince get in exchange?
STAN: Yeah, what did you give Prince?
MOTHB: Must build bigger moths, must build bigger moths
790: Shut up!(he punches himself) And now, if you will excuse me, I have a date - with death!

(He walks off the bridge. The others all follow him to the cryochamber)

790: The time has - come. The wait is over

(He operates the cryopod controls, and Kai's cryopod opens)

790: Missile launching time!

(He strokes himself, then drapes himself against the side of the cryopod, looks at Kai)

790: Hello gorgeous
KAI: Hello 790

(790 strokes Kai's chest)

790: I go by 769 now
KAI: You've changed
790: Have I? I suppose I have, Kai-o-lectable (taps his face) But wait till you see the surprise I brought - for us

(790 rubs his crotch, just as Stan, Xev and Bunny arrive)

STAN: Oh, yuck!
XEV: Kai?
BUNNY: Yuck! - sorta
KAI: Stan, Xev, Bunny

(The moth breeder is now stroking his crotch with both hands)

MOTHB: Bigger, harder, moths. Bigger, harder, moths
790: Quiet! Look - if you wanna watch, I don't care. It's going to be spectacular. Just keep it down - because I can't. I am now the proud owner of the biggest missile of them all. It's stuffed with explosives, and ready to explode with love - and it has Kai stamped on the side
STAN: Oh, isn't that romantic!

(790 strokes Kai's chest)

790: I want to please you so badly
KAI: The dead cannot be pleased
790: That's OK. Love crazed robot heads psychotically obsessed with their stiffs are easy to please. Now bend over
KAI: Why?
790: Just bend over and you'll soon find out
XEV: Now how does this make sense? I always thought your tiny particle of brain came from a woman
790: Man, woman, I'm not fussy. I've got my rocket and I'm ready to launch it
STAN: Forget it 790, or 769, or whatever your number is now. Nothing is gonna happen between you and Kai, but you are gonna tell us exactly where Prince is and what he's up to, right now!
KAI: 769?
790: I agreed to help Prince get control of the Lexx if he agreed to give me all the equipment I needed to love my man. But as soon as it was stitched on I fought my way out of the White House, stole the moth and came here, to test my weapon on your stiff cold corpse
KAI: Is that true?
790: Yes!
STAN: I don't believe him
XEV: Well, 790 always tells the truth to Kai
STAN: OK then - where are Priest and Prince right now?
790: Can't you see I'm busy, security guard? I've got important things - to do
KAI: tell him, 790
790: I don't know! The last time I saw them they were in the White House. I told you, I fought my way out of there and flew straight to the Lexx. I didn't stop on the way to visit anyone. That's the whole story, and you can leave me alone with my stiff now - if you don't mind
STAN: Well, I think we do mind
XEV: Kai, 790 is only interested in pleasing himself, and you should have nothing to do with it
KAI: Why?
STAN: Because it's disgusting!
KAI: The dead do not feel disgust
STAN: I can't believe we're even talking about this! Listen 790, whatever ideas you may have about what's gonna happen between you and Kai, that's all they are, just ideas, because they're not gonna happen!
790: Why not?
XEV: Because we don't want them to happen
BUNNY: I might want it to happen
STAN: What?!

(Bunny stands behind 790, watching)

BUNNY: I like things different, you know, and this is different. I'm an aerobics instructor, remember?

(790 rubs himself up against Kai)

790: Don't deny me, dead boy!

(Stan pulls Xev aside)

STAN: Xev - we have got to put a stop to this, right now. What we got here is an out of control robot head, and now he's got a body with even more out of control parts!

(790 crouches before Kai, then stands up and pulls Kai's hands to his chest)

XEV: I don't know Stan - I'm a love slave, and I know what it's like to be denied love
790: I'm trembling all over with excitement. I'm a robot on the edge. A robot with a rock hard missile closing in on its target!
MOTHB: Bigger harder moths, bigger harder moths!
790: You're spoiling my moment!

(790 slaps the moth breeder's head)

790: Don't deny me. I'm exploding with passion. I don't know if I can control myself any longer! Please Kai - we could have a hot and cold future together, just the two of us
XEV: Let 790 have his moment and then we'll do whatever it is that we have to do
STAN: Which is what?
XEV: Something. Reset him, switch him off, melt him down
MOTHB: Bigger harder moths! Bigger -
790: No! Say yes. Say yes, say yes, say yes yes yes yes!

(His hand starts to glow - and the key jumps behind him, into Bunny. The moth breeder bumps into her)

790: What is it now, bubblehead? Can't you see I'm busy?
BUNNY: Bubblehead?!

(She kicks 790 right off the moth breeder's shoulder. 790 screams, which brings Stan and Xev back)

XEV: What happened?
790: Kai

(Kai gets out of the cryopod)

MOTHB: Must build harder moths
BUNNY: Well, things just got too weird for me, so I knocked his block off

(She sounds quite pleased with herself)

STAN: Well, good. Now listen Kai, will you please kill Prince, once and for all?
KAI: If that is what you wish
XEV: That is what we wish
BUNNY: Not the President, remember!

(They all leave the cryochamber. Kai takes a moth, heads for Earth. Stan, Xev and Bunny go to the bridge)

STAN: See Xev, you should have let me kill Prince when I had the chance
PRINCE: Yes, you should have

(Prince walks onto the bridge, aiming a gun at them. Priest is behind him)

BUNNY: Mr President!
PRIEST: Bunny!

(She runs to him, hugs him, and they fall to the floor)

PRINCE: Not now, Mr President

(Priest gets up, follows Prince)

STAN: 790, connect us with Kai on the moth right now
XEV: 790, do it!
790: Not interested (lying on the floor)
XEV: What are you doing back here?
PRINCE: Getting control of the Lexx. Getting Kai off the Lexx. Getting rid of you - in that order
BUNNY: Mr President I don't understand - I just talked to you in the Oval Office
PRIEST: Yes, but I wasn't there
PRINCE: Bunny, that was a pre-recorded conversation that the President and I put on tape before we took the space shuttle to come up here
PRIEST: Prince figured it all out in advance. It was an excellent plan
PRINCE: It was obvious that the robot head would betray me
PRIEST: And he knew that First Lady Bunny wouldn't be able to pull the trigger
PRINCE: Even though we had a deal (looks at Bunny) So - we had to get Kai off the Lexx
PRIEST: It was a brilliant plan
PRINCE: Genius
PRIEST: Inspired
PRINCE: Coolly calculated
PRIEST: Almost perfect
PRINCE: Almost?

(He points the gun at Priest)

PRIEST: Oo - I mean, completely perfect, of course

(Priest kisses the gun. Prince points it at Stan)

PRINCE: So, now all that remains is to deal with the unfinished business
PRIEST: Which is?
PRINCE: Stanley Tweedle and Xev of B3K

(Prince gives the gun to Priest, who aims it at Stan. Stan has realised Bunny's gun is lying on the pedestal. Prince sees him looking at it)

PRINCE: Ah yes - that must be the gun that I left for First Lady Bunny. Do you think you can get to it Stan? Before Priest pulls the trigger?
XEV: Go for it Stan, I'll kill Prince

(She moves closer to him)

XEV: I'm stronger than you, you know that. And I have a very big appetite
PRINCE: Yes, I'm sure that you do. Point the gun at Xev, Mr President
XEV: Go for it, Stan
PRINCE: Yes, go for it Stan
STAN: But if I do they'll shoot you
XEV: It's our only chance, now go for it
STAN: I can't
XEV: Do it!

(Stan dives for the pedestal, grabs the gun, and aims it at Prince. Priest aims at Stan, but Prince holds up a finger. Priest nods, and lowers his gun. Stan squeezes the trigger - but nothing happens. He looks at the gun)

STAN: It doesn't work

(Prince takes the gun from him)

PRINCE: That weapon is equipped with a child safety lock - and it is in the on position. However, now - it is not

(He points the gun at Stan, who is sitting on the floor)

BUNNY: You never told me about the child safety lock
PRINCE: There was no need, because I knew that you would never pull the trigger - unlike Stanley Tweedle

(He pokes Stan's nose with the gun)

(Kai is still in the moth, heading for Earth)

KAI: 790
790: Hiya doll
KAI: Where are Stan and Xev?
790: They're indisposed at the moment - but don't worry
KAI: Is everything all right?
790: Oh absolutely. Everything is excellent, absolutely excellent
KAI: Thank you

(On the bridge, Stan and Xev are now bound and gagged on the pedestal. Priest is aiming a gun at them. Prince is holding 790)

PRINCE: Thank you, 790

(He kisses his casing)

790: Please - I only have lips for Kai

(Prince puts him down, goes over to the pedestal)

PRINCE: So - Kai has checked in - therefore it is time for the two of you to check out

(He undoes Xev's gag)

PRINCE: Any last words?
XEV: Not for you

(Stan mumbles something. Prince undoes his gag)

STAN: - plenty to say! Bunny - grab a gun and shoot Priest and Prince - not because they're completely evil - which they are! - but because it's the only thing that you can do to save yourself from Kai, because Kai is a Divine Assassin and he will hunt you down and he will kill you, every one of you
PRIEST: May I shoot them now, my prince?
PRINCE: Yes, you may

(Bunny runs away, crying)

790: Don't you want to stay and see them get shot?
PRINCE: Unlike us, I do not believe she wants to

(Kai appears on the view screen)

KAI: And nor do I. Are you about to kill Stan and Xev?
KAI: I would not recommend that
KAI: I am on my way back to the Lexx, and I will kill you, very soon

(The moth heads for the Lexx)

PRIEST: Should I shoot them now, my prince?
PRINCE: Not yet (to Kai) What will you give me if I decide not to kill them?
KAI: A quick and painless death
PRINCE: Not enough. Mr President -
STAN: No! Kai, Kai, Kai, give them anything they want. Don't let them shoot us
XEV: No, don't agree to anything, they deserve to die
PRINCE: I'm waiting, but not for much longer. Make me an offer I can accept and quickly, otherwise I promise you I will end their lives, quickly
KAI: I would like us to play the game you call chess again
PRINCE: As would I
KAI: If you agree not to kill Stan and Xev now, we will play another game
PRINCE: Will you kill me after the game?
PRINCE: Even if I lose?
KAI: I agree not to kill you at the end of the game, no matter what the outcome
PRINCE: (to Priest) Let's go
PRIEST: And Bunny?
PRINCE: She can stay here. I'm sure she'll fit right in. No, on second thought we won't leave First Lady Bunny behind. Go find her now
PRIEST: Yes my prince

(He hands Prince the gun, and goes off to find Bunny, who is crying in a passageway. Priest kneels in front of her)

PRIEST: Bunnykins -
BUNNY: Get away from me, you murderer!
PRIEST: No no no no no, Bunny wunny snugglebuns, I'm not a murderer
BUNNY: Yes you are! Stan and Xev were right, but now they're dead!
PRIEST: No they aren't. I persuaded Prince to let them go
BUNNY: You did?
PRIEST: Yes, I did. and now we have to go too

(Bunny grabs hold of him, starts kissing him)

PRIEST: No Bunny - not now, we can't

(She undoes his belt)

PRIEST: I mean, we shouldn't

(She pulls up her top)

PRIEST: I mean - we have to be quick

(He starts kissing her)

(Meanwhile, back on the bridge - )

STAN: Well - won't be long now
XEV: Are you worried, Prince?
PRINCE: Kai is a man of his word, is he not?
STAN: Well, we'll soon find out, won't we?

(Prince leaves the bridge)

(In the passageway, Priest and Bunny are still at it - and Bunny's hand is glowing)

BUNNY: Oh, Mr President!
PRIEST: Oh Bunny!

(The key flies off down the passageway, just before Prince arrives)

PRINCE: Not the time, Mr President

(He pulls Priest away from Bunny by his ear)

PRIEST: No no no
PRIEST: Of course, my prince
PRINCE: Not the time
PRIEST: No no no. Of course my prince. It's not the time. Not time, not now

(They head back to the bridge, Priest and Bunny pulling clothes back on. Meanwhile, the key flows along a passageway, into the moth breeding chamber - and into a moth breeder)

(Kai arrives on the bridge)

790: I missed you
STAN: So did we

(Prince, Bunny and Priest walk onto the bridge. Kai readies his brace)

PRINCE: A deal is a deal - isn't it? You are a man of your word, are you not?
KAI: Yes

(Kai fires his brace, freeing Xev and Stan)

STAN: Oh Kai, thank you thank you thank you

(Priest and Bunny walk away, very cautiously)

STAN: They take their shuttle, not a moth
PRINCE: Of course. We just borrowed the moth
XEV: How did you know to come back?
KAI: 790 told me that everything was absolutely excellent, which could only mean not excellent for you and Stanley
790: Can't disagree with you there, oh stiff and sexy one

(Kai aims his brace. Prince looks at him)

KAI: Any last words?

(Priest and Bunny get into the shuttle, start strapping themselves in)

PRINCE: You said we would play a game of chess. Can I do that if I'm dead?
KAI: You can
KAI: On Brunnis 2 the truly committed learned to play after death. That is how you and I will play
PRINCE: Cheerie bye

(Kai fires his brace through Prince's chest, killing him. The shuttle leaves)

STAN: Oh yes Kai, you did it! You did it, we're finally free of Prince! Yes!

(The view screen shows the shuttle heading for Earth)

XEV: Well - maybe the little blue planet is no longer so bad after all, right Stan?

(In the shuttle, Priest is also quite happy with this turn of events)

PRIEST: He's dead. He's dead! He's really dead! Now I will rule this planet!!

(He laughs - Bunny joins in, sounding unsure)

PRIEST: Hmm. But what are we going to do without someone to tell us what to do?
BUNNY: (thinks) Well at least we could do -
BUNNY: Anything we want! You're the President, remember? And now Prince isn't around to tell us what to do and stop us from having fun, in bed

(Priest laughs - then remembers something)

PRIEST: We can't, Bunnykins. The President can't have anymore fun with the First Lady
BUNNY: (upset) Why not?
PRIEST: You have the key to the Lexx - if we have any fun - you know, together - you could reach the edge of sexual ecstasy and lose the key
BUNNY: Can't I even touch your zipper? Just a little?
PRIEST: I don't think so Bunnykins

(Bunny pulls a face)

PRIEST: You do still have the key to the Lexx, don't you?
BUNNY: I think so (looks at her hand)

(Back on the Lexx, Stan picks 790 up)

STAN: 790, 790, what you did is completely unforgivable. Your schemes to kill me and Xev are just, just - totally out of control
790: I am totally out of control - with passion
STAN: Yeah, well the next time, you're gonna end up on the scrap heap. Xev agrees with me, don't you Xev?
XEV: Yes
STAN: Yeah. Kai?
KAI: Yes

(Kai leaves the bridge. Xev also starts to move)

STAN: Where are you going?
XEV: Oh, just going for a little walk. I was thinking about that poor moth breeder
STAN: Yeah? What exactly were you thinking?
XEV: That he might need some help building bigger harder moths (she leaves)
STAN: Yeah, yeah. Everybody's got a moth in their pants

(He leaves the bridge too. Prince's body is lying on the floor. A light flickers up it - slowly at first, then more quickly, until his body vanishes)

© Filking Fairy

© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana

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