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Lexx 4.12 Bad Carrot
(written by Jeffrey Hirschfield)

(A camcorder recording - cars pull up outside a store, and ATF agents rush inside)

AGENT: OK, come on let's go! Move move move! Get out of the way!

(The agents check out the vegetable stalls, as customers try to get away)

AGENT: Back off from the vegetables! Stand back from there. Clear the area. ATF!

(An agent starts poking at the carrots, with his gun)

AGENT: Step aside. You - move away from the carrots
AGENT: Looks like we got the all clear here
AGENT: Go check that out over there
AGENT: Not very cheap these days, are they?
AGENT: Head Lettuce, this is Bugs Bunny. Head Lettuce, we have a negative on the vegetable

(And then a carrot twitches. An agent grabs it)

AGENT: Hold it - got it!

(The carrot manages to break free. There is the clanking sound of little metal legs)

AGENT: Stay back
AGENT: Back off
AGENT: There, on the floor!

(Someone shoots at the carrot - misses, almost hits the produce manager. He falls to the ground - and the carrot goes up his trousers. An ATF agent tries to get it out)

MANAGER: Get off! Get it off of me!

(Prince is watching this recording in his underground bunker. He stops the tape. Agents wheel in the manager, who is now encased in a metal tube, with just his head sticking out at the top. An X-ray shows that he has a carrot inside him, seemingly fused to his body)

(A moth returns to the Lexx. Stan, Xev and Kai walk onto the bridge)

STAN: Well, that's one experience I don't ever need to repeat
XEV: Me neither. Dying is a terrible experience for some of us
KAI: MY death was not a good experience for me at the time
XEV: Well - I want to thank you both, for going down there to bring me back to life
STAN: Well, you're our friend Xev - what else could we do?
790: Left the slut for the worms to chew on - it's what I would have done
XEV: Hello 790
790: Oh Kai - you've come back to me! Take the head in your arms. Squeeze me! Please me!
KAI: The dead do not squeeze and please
790: There's always a first time
STAN: Well you know, in spite of seeing you here 790, it's still good to be back on the Lexx - alive! You know, I for one do not ever want to go back to Earth again - stupid Type 13 disaster planet. Still, you know - I can't shake the feeling that we forgot something
790: You did. You forgot to disembowel yourself - but we can take care of that right now
XEV: I don't like Earth very much either, but how long can we stay up here on the Lexx without the key? Wherever it went after Lyekka stole it from you, we have to get it back or we'll be stuck here forever
STAN: I know, I know, but Lyekka's not on the Lexx, we've looked - I mean, she could be anywhere, I don't know. But I do know, that the key is gonna get back into me, where it belongs, and then we're gonna fly away from this place, forever! But look, enough about that - captain Stan hasn't eaten for days and days, and I am getting mighty, mighty hungry
XEV: Well, Lyekka could be dead. Vlad could have killed her
STAN: Yeah, OK, well where's the body?
XEV: Well, the Lexx absorbs all available protein, you know that. Oh, we should have loaded up with food before we came back here

(Stan and Xev head down the passageway off the bridge)

790: Stanley, Xev - it will be the pleasure of my life watching you both slowly starve to death
STAN: Yeah? Well before that, 790, we're gonna fry that little cube of a brain in that, that tin bucket you call a head - you know, it won't taste good, but it's gonna feel good!
790: I hate you

(The White House. President Priest is at his desk, when Bunny comes in - dressed as a bunny girl and carrying a cake with a big carrot shaped candle)

BUNNY: Ta da! Happy birthday, Mr President!
PRIEST: Why, thank you my cuddle bunny coochy coo milk skinned delight. Oh, delicious - but Bunny, it's not my birthday
BUNNY: (upset) Oh. But - I made this cake just for you, don't you want it?
PRIEST: Oh no no no, of course I want it. We can pretend it's my birthday
BUNNY: Yay! (laughs) OK, first you blow out the candle, then I blow out your candle, then I'll give you your present
PRIEST: I can't wait

(He holds up the cake, prepares to blow)

PRIEST: 1, 2 -

(And then Prince enters, followed by Professor Shnoog, scientists, and the unfortunate store manager, still in his tube)

PRINCE: Mr President

(Priest drops the cake, and rushes to kiss Prince's hand)

PRIEST: My prince - er, Mr Prince
PRINCE: We have a crisis
BUNNY: You're telling me! My cake!

(Upset, she flops onto the couch)

PRIEST: A crisis, I see - what crisis?
PRINCE: Carrots. Very bad carrots
PRIEST: Oh no, I hate carrots. They play havoc with my bowels - sorry, honey pie sweetie face
PRINCE: Not ordinary carrots - killer carrots. They look like your ordinary everyday garden variety, but they're not

(An aide starts playing a tape of Xevivor)

PRIEST: Oo - Xevivor! Terrific. I loved that show
PRINCE: Mr President, shut up
PRIEST: Yes, my prince
PRINCE: Professor Shnoog, if you please
SHNOOG: The 'carrots', which are in fact highly deadly probes of unknown metal construction, were first discovered on the Caribbean island of Zig Zig. They wiped out almost everyone during the taping of the Xevivor television series
PRIEST: You mean that was real? Oo. I thought that was only a special effects thing that they did to boost ratings
PRINCE: As did we all. Continue, professor
SHNOOG: As you can see, these probes are highly aggressive. Their sole function appears to be to enter human beings and use them as a type of host - although for what purpose we can't say. They exert control over the infected humans by fusing themselves to the spinal cord, thus gaining control of the host's neurological functions
PRIEST: Er, hold on - how do they get inside us?
SHNOOG: They, er - they may be able to enter through various orifices, but they seem to prefer - the back door
PRIEST: Pardon me?
SHNOOG: The rectum intestinum
PRINCE: They like to burrow into your ass, Mr President
PRINCE: That's what one did to him

(The manager, who does not look at all comfortable)

BUNNY: Kind of like that rubber thing I used on you last night
PRIEST: (laughs nervously) I don't know what you are talking about, my love
BUNNY: Yeah, you know that little thing, you liked it - (realises she should shut up now)
PRIEST: And what happens when they leave their host, or do they -?
SHNOOG: Unknown, although we will be conducting experiments on this case later, including a thorough post-mortem dissection

(The manager looks very worried by this)

SHNOOG: We have learned that they exercise varying levels of control. You see, they seem to be able to possess them outright, turning them essentially into murderous zombies - the fate suffered in the cases on Zig Zig Island. Now in such instances, the carrot penetrates with its single eye the host's forehead, turning him into a mindless slave. We do not know if this condition is reversible, but as you can see in this case the eye has not been employed. The victim is fully cogniscent, albeit uncomfortable. Our X-rays show that the probe integrated itself into his entire nervous system
PRINCE: You mean it may be able to hear what you're saying?
SHNOOG: Yes, possibly. It seems to act as a sort of puppet master - it can control all of the strings all of the time - or one string at a time, if it so chooses, depending on the environment - or indeed the threat
PRIEST: Where did these bad carrots come from?
SHNOOG: Their origin is unclear, but we're fairly convinced that they're not of this earth
PRIEST: And what do they want?
PRINCE: We don't know that either Mr President - although it's fairly certain that they're not here to grace our salads. To make matters worse, the probes have been turning up here and there throughout the globe

(Shnoog puts a map on the desk)

PRINCE: Confirmed infestations are marked in red on this map
PRIEST: They're everywhere!
PRINCE: That they are, Mr President. (to Shnoog) How can you tell if someone has one in him?
SHNOOG: Sometimes it's easy to tell, and sometimes it isn't. I mean, you might have one inside you right now, but I wouldn't know. Or the President could, or I could myself, I suppose - I might have one today, and not tomorrow, it's very difficult. They're very clever little vegetables
PRIEST: My prince (whispers) don't you think it's best that we part ways with this infected planet before it is perhaps too late?
PRINCE: My thoughts exactly - but how?

(Bunny looks at the manager - something is moving under his skin)

BUNNY: Hey you - stop it! Tell him to stop looking at me like that!
PRIEST: Who do you mean?

(A third eye appears on the manager's forehead. Everyone screams. Then the carrot leaps out onto the desk, and everyone runs for cover. The carrot flies around the room, ATF agents shoot wildly. Bunny dives behind the couch with Priest, who screams. Prince covers his butt with a cushion, then runs out of the office, with Priest, Bunny and Shnoog. Prince locks the door behind him. There are screams)

PRINCE: Thank you for your service to your country. Your medals are in the mail

(On the Lexx, everyone is in the galley)

STAN: I am getting really really hungry here, in a serious way
XEV: So am I
790: Why don't you two cannibalise each other? That would be fun
STAN: And why don't you just short circuit your big ugly mouth?!
790: Only Kai can do that (kisses)
KAI: I will retire to cryostasis to preserve my protoblood (he leaves)
XEV: Stan, this is silly. Why don't we just get in a moth, go back to Earth and get some food there?
STAN: Oh, no no no no no. No way, I'm not going back there. I mean, there's gotta be some way that we can make food here - come on, Lexx, just help us out, willl ya?! Just a little food, that's all, just a little food?

(An escort accompanies the President's car. Priest is in the back, eating some fried chicken, Bunny is beside him. Prince is in front next to the chauffeur, talking to someone on his mobile)

PRINCE: Prince... yes... Well, keep me posted (puts phone away) The carrot has not been recovered
BUNNY: Is it still in the Oval Office?
PRINCE: Possibly, or it may have escaped, or -
PRINCE: As a precaution, I had those aides that I locked in the Oval Office vivisected, to see if the carrot was inside one of them. It was not. Therefore the possibility exists that the carrot is inside one of us, lying in wait
BUNNY: Well, it's not in me
PRIEST: Nor me
PRINCE: Nor me. I guess we're all right then

(Bunny tries to take a piece of chicken - Priest won't let her, so she just leans her head on his shoulder. They head for the space shuttle, where Shnoog, wearing a hard hat, has set up some sort of carrot screening system. Bunny walks into it)


(Bunny walks through. Priest goes to follow, but Prince pulls him back, and goes first)

PRIEST: Why go to the Lexx? Stanley Tweedle doesn't even have the key anymore
PRINCE: Whether Stanley Tweedle has the key or not, I do not know, but I do know that it is on the Lexx
PRIEST: How do you know?
PRINCE: Because I'm head of the ATF. If anyone had it on Earth I would have found it by now
PRIEST: Of course, my prince

(Priest steps forward to be screened)

PRIEST: That's a relief
SHNOOG: Clean, all clean folks. No carrots up your botties

(The shuttle takes off - and Shnoog takes off his hard hat, to reveal a third eye)

(The Lexx. Stan and Xev are massaging the feeding nozzles in the galley)

XEV: It's no use, Stan - my hand is getting numb
STAN: Oh come on Xev, just a little longer - you're a love slave, you got the touch
XEV: It's not working!
STAN: But it's gotta work. I mean - listen, it's getting close! Come on, pump it, pump it!

(Xev stops, stands up)

XEV: No! I'm done. Face it Stan, if we want food we have to go back to Earth
PRINCE: That's not necessary, we have plenty of food

(Prince has arrived in the galley, along with Priest and Bunny)

STAN: Prince
PRINCE: Stanley. Xev. You remember President Priest and First Lady Bunny
BUNNY: Hi! (they wave)
XEV: Sure we do. What do you want?
PRINCE: We were in the neighbourhood and we decided to drop by for a picnic
XEV: Lovely. Thanks for the food. Goodbye
STAN: Yeah, thanks for coming, now go!
PRINCE: Now now, that's no way to speak to your dinner guests
XEV: Guests? I don't remember inviting you
PRINCE: Nonetheless, we're here - and just in time, it seems. Having a little trouble with our food supply, are we?
STAN: Yeah, well you see, um -
XEV: See, the Lexx hasn't eaten in a while, and so it can't make food for us
PRINCE: Well, why don't you take the Lexx to Earth for a nice meal?
STAN: Yeah well you see we got a problem there, which is -
XEV: (quickly, walks up to Prince) Which is that we don't want the Lexx attracting any kind of attention from people down there, so we're planning around it basically
PRINCE: Indeed. Wise. But, tell me Stanley - you did get the key back from the porn star who stole it from you, what was her name?
STAN: Lyekka - oh, well LooLoo actually. Yeah, well, you see what happened there was -
XEV: Perhaps he doesn't need to know

(She puts her arm around Stan's shoulder, tries to hint for him to stop talking)

STAN: See, what happened there was, I turned on the old Tweedle charm and I brought her to the height, I mean the very peak of sexual ecstasy, and then the key flowed out of her back into me - she was satisfied, so she left
PRINCE: Excellent. Because as it happens, the Earth now has a slight little alien problem. And as far as I'm concerned this is as good a time as any for all of us to disappear into the great unknown of space
XEV: Us all?
PRINCE: Absolutely. It's always been part of the agreement, that I would be a passenger onboard the Lexx once it resumed its travels
STAN: You know, I had an agreement too, with First Lady Bunny, to have a romp in the sack - on a couple of occasions - and that didn't work out either
PRINCE: Well, maybe we can make it work out this time
PRIEST: That's my wife you're talking about!

(Prince gives him a look)

PRIEST: But, you know, whatever
XEV: Tell us about this tiny little alien problem you've got there on Earth
PRINCE: Well, why don't we discuss that over dinner?
STAN: Oh yes, food!
PRIEST: Yes, food!

(Everyone looks at Priest)

PRIEST: I'm awfully hungry from the trip
XEV: I'm gonna wake up Kai, just to be on the safe side
BUNNY: Um - is there a washroom here
STAN: Oh yeah (chuckles)

(Stan leads Bunny and Priest to the toilet. He taps the rim, making the tongue flick out. Bunny and Priest look down at it in disbelief)

BUNNY: You're kidding, right?
STAN: No no, once you get used to it the experience can be quite, er - stimulating. Gets right up there, you know?
PRIEST: Right up there?(he farts) Whoops! Sorry
BUNNY: Will you stay with me while I go?
PRIEST: If it will make you taste better - I mean, feel better, darling honey licky bit
STAN: Yeah, well I'll just leave you two alone, OK. I'll be at the feast
PRIEST: The feast?

(Stan leaves. Priest helps Bunny sit down gingerly on the toilet)

(Later. Everyone is on the bridge, enjoying the picnic)

PRINCE: So, Stanley - tell me about the bad carrots that you encountered on Zig Zig Island
STAN: What, you mean those little robot things? They almost killed us, they're completely evil!
PRINCE: They are a serious problem, and they appear to have spread
PRIEST: Spread!

(He spreads some food on Bunny, licks it off)

BUNNY: Oh, you - !

(Prince gets up onto the pedestal)

PRINCE: Probes have been found in many locations - too many. Our projections indicate a rather overwhelming infestation before long, which is something that the poor unfortunates on the planet can hardly savour
PRIEST: Savour!

(He licks more food off Bunny, who giggles)

PRINCE: So it appears to me that our best option is to go

(He gets down from the pedestal)

PRINCE: The only question is - where?
XEV: I'd say there's two questions - where to go, and who should go
PRINCE: The latter part of that question has already been settled
XEV: Not with me
PRINCE: We have a deal
STAN: Hey, when has one of your deals ever helped us?
XEV: We've made deals with you before, and they've all gone sour - because you're evil (smiles sweetly) So you can offer us whatever deal you want - we won't bite

(He squirts cream on Bunny, licks again)

BUNNY: Ow, ow!
PRINCE: I'm not so terrible, Xev

(Prince sits beside Xev, who is sitting cross legged on the floor)

PRINCE: I have different ambitions from you, it's true. But, as a member of the crew of the Lexx (pats her leg) I promise to behave myself

(Xev offers him a tomato)

PRINCE: No. Anyway - you can always have Kai to protect you. He can kill me, if I step out of line

(Prince gets up, walks over to Kai)

KAI: You were killed many times on the planet Fire. Each time, you quickly returned to life. Why do you fear the probes, if you are immortal as you claim to have been in the past?
PRINCE: I was immortal on the planet Fire, yes, but now I will admit to being more uncertain about my status

(Kai gets his brace ready)

KAI: That question can be settled this instant
STAN: Hey, wait a second, wait a second there - before we do anything, I wanna know what those carrots are doing on Earth, I mean - what do they want?
KAI: 790 knows, don't you 790?
790: Of course I do
KAI: You will tell them
790: (sigh) Anything for you. The probes are actually a first scouting wave of robot drones sent by an alien species to taste test various things on Earth - particularly human beings. They are studying the planet to see what is worth eating and what dishes go with what - presumably in preparation for the feast planned when the real aliens arrive to devour the planet
PRIEST: How do you know this?
790: None of your business, pig face!
KAI: Tell them
790: I have intercepted thousands of transmissions between the probes and the alien mother ship
PRINCE: Do you know where this mother ship is located?
790: It is very far away in deep space, but yes, I suppose I could locate it - if I really wanted to
PRINCE: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's just take the Lexx and destroy it

(Prince pulls Stan up to his feet)

STAN: No, wait a second, wait a second, see - it's not that easy, you know, because the Lexx hasn't eaten in a while, so -
XEV: So it would have to eat a lot - a whole country at least, to make a trip like that
STAN: Yeah yeah yeah, see, and then it has to digest the chunks, you know, and that could take forever
PRINCE: No matter

(He takes his mobile out, dials a number)

PRINCE: Mr President?

(Priest kisses his hand)

PRIEST: Yes my prince?
PRINCE: You must contact the Pentagon and authorise Operation Hard Encounter
PRIEST: Oo - you mean now?
PRINCE: Immediately
PRIEST: (farts) Whoops! Sorry. Can't it wait until after dinner?
PRIEST: OF course my prince, of course

(Prince hands the phone to Priest)

GENERAL: General Pootydude here
PRIEST: Ah, good evening General, this is the President. How are you?
GENERAL: Fine, Mr President
PRIEST: The wife and kids?
GENERAL: Fine sir
PRIEST: The cat, dog?
GENERAL: All fine
PRIEST: You keep parakeets, don't you? Are they well? They say there is a terrible bird virus going around -
PRINCE: Mr President -
PRIEST: Yes yes(fart) Whoops, sorry, sorry again. General, it seems we (fart) have a problem - well, I wouldn't call it a problem, more of a nuisance really(fart) not even, um, oh what's the word I'm looking for (fart) vexation(fart) itch, what about -
PRINCE: Mr President!
PRIEST: Sorry(fart) Um, General, I'm ordering you to prepare and launch (fart) the international space mission, name code Operation (fart) Operation (fart) -
PRINCE: Hard Encounter
PRIEST: Oh yes, Hard(fart) Encounter. Your team is to intercept the alien space vessel (fart) approaching the Earth and, um, to destroy it with extreme (fart) extremeness (fart)
GENERAL: Affirmative sir. Operation Hard Encounter will be underway within six hours
PRIEST: Oh, that soon? Well then, take care of everything and make sure that everything is all right and tested and safe before you go, and -

(Prince takes the phone away from him)

PRINCE: Cheerie bye
PRIEST: That takes care of that. I am exhausted
STAN: Yeah, me too. If you're onboard in the morning, let's talk about fixing up First Lady Bunny with first man Stan
XEV: I'll show you where you can sleep - actually I'm a bit tired myself. Kai, would you please keep an eye on Prince?
KAI: I will

(Stan, Xev, Priest and Bunny leave the bridge)

PRINCE: Goodnight to all. Tell me, do you play chess, dead man?
KAI: What is chess?
PRINCE: A struggle between kings. A game of strategies and counter strategies, in which it is sometimes necessary to sacrifice lesser participants - rather like life, actually
KAI: It sounds similar to a game I enjoyed on Brunnis 2, when I was alive
PRINCE: I'll teach you

(Bunny is sleeping on a makeshift bed. Priest licks at her face mask, then farts, and clutches his bottom. He takes a mirror out of Bunny's handbag, and sees that he has a third eye. He makes a zombie moaning noise, and puts on an ATF cap to hide the eye. He gets up, farting)

(Xev is asleep in her bedchamber. Priest comes in, squirts something green on her belly and licks it off. She wakes up and pushes him away)

XEV: What do you think you're doing?

(Bunny walks into Xev's bedchamber)

BUNNY: What do you think you're doing?!
XEV: Bunny?

(Priest moans)

BUNNY: Get away from my husband. Hi-ya!

(She jumps onto Xev)

BUNNY: I know you want him - everyone does!
XEV: No, Bunny

(Bunny punches Xev - not very effectively)

XEV: Bunny, stop it. Bunny, you've got it all wrong

(Priest runs away, farting and moaning)

XEV: Bunny, stop it!
BUNNY: He's mine. Aaaaaall mine!
XEV: Bunny, stop it! Bunny!

(Xev grabs hold of Bunny, pushes her back)

XEV: Listen to me - your husband came into my room and started licking my stomach while I was asleep. He probably has one of those things inside him

(Priest, farting, staggers to the toilet and sits down)

(Xev and Bunny run through passages, shouting)

XEV: Kai! Stan!
BUNNY: Mr President! Mr President!

(Kai and Prince are sitting by a chessboard on the bridge. They hear the shouts, and get up)

XEV: Kai! I need you!
BUNNY: And I need my husband back!

(Everyone meets up in a passageway)

STAN: What's going on?
XEV: The President has a carrot - he's infected

(They all rush to the toilet, where Priest is screaming as the carrot leaves him. They find him on the floor)

BUNNY: Baby!
KAI: He is still alive
XEV: Is the carrot still inside him?
KAI: I do not know, though I expect not
PRINCE: Then let's get him up
XEV: How?
BUNNY: He always responds well to oral stimulation
STAN: Yeah. Me too

(On the bridge. 790 is alone - until a carrot jumps off the pedestal)

790: Who's there? Uh oh

(790 wheels around the bridge. The carrot chases after him)

790: Listen to me, carrot - I'm not the enemy here. We can work together

(But the carrot just squeals and chases after him)

790: Oh, have it your way (stops, turns) This is getting stupid

(790 makes a weird moaning sound. The carrot stops, listens)

790: Yes. Yes, that's much better. Stop and listen for a minute

(790 howls, the carrot chirps)

790: See? We can both get what we want once we start communicating

(Priest regains consciousness. Bunny is cuddling him)

PRIEST: Where - where am I?
KAI: You are on the Lexx
PRIEST: The Lexx, how? But I was just in the Oval Office being briefed about killer carrot probes and then -
STAN: Well, it looks like while you were in the Oval Office, something got into your Oval Office
BUNNY: How do you feel, my love?
PRIEST: Oh, dizzy, weak - sore
BUNNY: Quick! Massage my breasts, you'll feel better

(She pulls his hand onto her breast)

PRINCE: There's no time for that. There's a vegetable loose on this ship, we have to find it and destroy it
STAN: No argument here
XEV: But it's one tiny little vegetable inside a huge giant ship - where do we start?

(They all go onto the bridge)

790: Of course I wasn't aware there was a carrot probe onboard until it gave off an electronic signal while vacating the President. At that point I was able to lock on to its frequency and eavesdrop on its transmission to the mother ship. The mother ship instructed the probe to eject itself from the Lexx and return to Earth. It was told there was no more useful culinary data to collect, and that the danger in staying was too great. The probe launched itself into space 12 minutes 24 seconds ago

(Prince gets out his phone and contacts the Pentagon)

GENERAL: Pootydude - Pentagon
PRINCE: General Pootydude, it's Isambard Prince. How are things progressing with Operation Hard Encounter?
GENERAL: Ahead of schedule, sir. The mission was launched 30 minutes ago
PRINCE: Excellent. Thank you
PRIEST: Hard Encounter - what's that?
PRINCE: A mission you authorised to destroy the alien mother ship
PRINCE: Oo, good, good
BUNNY: And when we get back to bed, I'm gonna authorise Operation Hard Encounter part 2
PRIEST: Even better!
STAN: Yeah, bed, that's a good idea. You know, all that food made me really really tired, so - night night!
BUNNY: Goodnight
PRIEST: Goodnight
790: Goodnight! (grins)

(Everyone goes back to bed. Prince and Kai sit down at the edge of the well, and start to play chess)

(Later. Everyone's asleep - except Stan, who seems to be suffering from indigestion. He goes to the toilet, where he hears a clanking sound - then has a close encounter of the carrot kind)

(On the bridge, Prince and Kai are still playing chess)

PRINCE: Sometimes the game of chess can be played for stakes, and that makes the game much more interesting
KAI: I have nothing of value
PRINCE: On the contrary - you're a Divine Assassin, with a virtually unstoppable ability to kill a man, any man. Therefore you could gift your opponent with a sworn promise not to kill him, as his prize if he were to defeat you in a game of chess
KAI: And what would the former ruler of the planet Fire be able to offer as a reward, should he lose the game?
PRINCE: You once had a living body. That body had a spirit, an essence, a soul - whatever you want to call it. Perhaps I could be of help in putting that soul to rest

(Kai seems to be thinking)

PRINCE: We have nothing in common, and yet this game gives a chance for one of us to achieve our agenda - and that's much better than neither one of us achieving it, isn't it?

(Kai looks around)

PRINCE: Something wrong?

(Kai leaves the bridge)

PRINCE: Perhaps it was something I said (grins)

(In a passageway, 790 wheels up to Kai)

790: Kai! I was just thinking about you - of course, that's all I ever do. Were you thinking of me?

(Kai picks up 790, starts walking along the passageway)

KAI: I was - but not in the way that you would like. It occurred to me that your interests and the interests of the alien probe might be complementary
790: Meaning?
KAI: Meaning, that were the probe to annihilate all onboard save for me, that you would be a happy head
790: I can't deny it
KAI: Further meaning, that you would have ample motivation to deceive those onboard as to whether or not the alien probe had actually launched itself from the Lexx. I suggest, that you did deceive Stan, Xev and the others, that the probe is still on the Lexx and - that you are working in co-operation with it
790: You make things so hard for me! I wouldn't mind if you made the thing in your pants hard for me too, but I'm still waiting for that, aren't I?!
KAI: So the alien probe is still on the Lexx
790: Yes. Of course it is. And I'm not sorry!
KAI: Not yet

(Xev is asleep in her chamber. This time it's Stan who climbs onto her bed. He squirts ketchup onto her belly, licks it off. Xev wakes up)

XEV: Stan! What are you doing?
STAN: Congratulations Xev - you're the house speciality!

(Stan holds her down, his hands around her neck - and then Kai's brace grabs the back of his neck)

STAN: Kai! What's going on? How'd I get here?
KAI: You tell me, Stanley
STAN: Er - I was having a bad dream, and I was sleepwalking, yeah, that's it, I was sleepwalking and, er - how are you Xev, you OK? Well good, no harm done, so - back to beddy bye!
KAI: I don't believe you, Stanley

(Xev gets up off the bed)

XEV: Neither do I
STAN: But it's true -

(Kai tightens the grip of his brace)

STAN: Kai, stop it, stop - come on, you're killing me!

(The carrot wriggles down the inside of Stan's trouser leg, and out. Stan falls onto the bed. Kai and Xev jump onto the bed, trying to catch the carrot - without much luck. It bounces off Xev's head, and Kai trips over - they grab Stan and run)

(Later. Everyone has gathered on the bridge)

STAN: Well, that's everybody
PRIEST: What's this all about?
KAI: The alien probe is still on the Lexx
PRIEST: What? But I thought - the robot head said that -
KAI: The robot head lied
790: What do you expect?
STAN: 790, I swear I'm gonna crush you to scrap. Do you have any idea how much that hurt coming out of me?!
790: A lot, I hope

(Stan gets up off the pedestal and goes for 790, but Kai stops him)

KAI: Some other time, I suggest. Right now your safety requires capturing the carrot
PRINCE: And how do you propose that we do that?

(Prince is sitting at the edge of the well next to Bunny - who is looking at his neck)

KAI: There are several options. We can wait until the probe emits a signal, then 790 can locate it electronically and I can track it down and destroy it. We can set traps at various locations. I suggest a rig of overhead netting be employed, which can then be dropped on the probe
STAN: Wait a second - that could take forever, I mean how can we trust 790?
KAI: Or - we could deactivate 790. Divide into groups and use hand held nets. However, I believe that there is less chance of success with this method than -

(Bunny suddenly bites Prince's neck. He cries out. Bunny stands up, pulls off her sleep mask to reveal a third eye. She screams)

PRIEST: Bunny wunny snuggle bun!
XEV: Get her!

(Bunny runs off the bridge. Kai and the others follow, splitting up to search different passageways)

XEV: Bunny!

(Xev runs into Stan and Priest)

XEV: See her?
STAN: Yeah yeah yeah - we think she went that way

(He points, then they hear a scream in the other direction. They run along the passageway, to find Bunny unconscious, with her head on Prince's knees)

PRIEST: My Bunny!
PRINCE: It appears to have left her

(Priest takes hold of Bunny)

PRIEST: My Bunny. My honey bunny
PRINCE: So what do we do now?
KAI: First we must make certain that the probe has not gained entry to anyone here
STAN: Oh yeah, and just how do we do that?

(Xev's bedchamber. Everyone watches as Kai wheels in the protein regenerator)

KAI: You will all disrobe and lean over the edge of the bed with your buttocks raised. Then I will take this - prong, and insert it, into each of you in turn. The low voltage electromagnetic flux will penetrate your bodies, and if it elicits no negative ions, you will be considered clean
STAN: Well wait a second, you mean you're gonna put that thing, up our - ?
KAI: Precisely
XEV: Ew!
STAN: Oh boy
PRIEST: Oo no - you can't stick a prong in my arse, I'm the President
PRINCE: You are also the source of all this trouble. (to Kai) You may do as you will with these people. However, I will not be participating in your little test (smiles)
XEV: And why not?
PRINCE: It's unnecessary. The probe could no sooner live in me than it could in Kai. I am not of human constitution
XEV: Oh no?
PRINCE: No. Although it's possible that I am perhaps no longer immortal, I am still more deity than man. The test would have no effect
XEV: Well, let's find out (smiles)
PRINCE: Absolutely not
STAN:(angry) Listen Princey, we're all in this one together. You may be a god, you may be a man, you're certainly an enigma, but right now you're an enigma, who's about to get an enema (undoes uniform) - so, drop 'em, pal!
PRINCE: (scared) Please -

(Kai holds up the prong, which crackles with electricity. The dead seem to be enjoying this)

KAI: Drop 'em

(Out in space, the Operation Hard Encounter shuttle opens up - out comes a huge gun)

PILOT: We're gonna hammer those extraterrestrial monkeys into little greasy spots. We're coming to kill, Houston. Damn, I love this job - yeehaaw!

(Back on the Lexx, the probing has begun. Stan is first - not comfortable, but takes it like a man)

KAI: Clean

(The moth breeding chamber. A carrot's eye view of a moth breeder bending over. The carrot attacks. Soon the moth breeder has an extra eye, and walks away - stiffly)

(Bunny's turn to be probed. She whimpers, upset - which is hardly surprising)

KAI: Clean

(The moth breeder walks onto the bridge, gets up on the pedestal)

(Priest's turn - doesn't seem to be enjoying it as much as he enjoyed Bunny's rubber thing)

PRIEST: Oo - the media must never get hold of this!
KAI: Clean

(The moth breeder activates the template)

LEXX: Hello, captain
MOTHB: Locate military vessel, code name Hard Encounter, near Earth's moon
LEXX: As you command, captain

(The shuttle appears on the view screen. The pilots are singing)

PILOT: Flying around in outer space (flying around in outer space) Momma and Poppa weren't making a sound -
MOTHB: Destroy military vessel code name Hard Encounter
LEXX: As you command, captain

(Xev's turn to be probed - she seems to be trying to decide whether she likes it)

KAI: Clean

(And finally, Prince's turn - clearly, he has never been so humiliated in all his life)

KAI: Clean
PRINCE: Yes, well, thank you very much

(Prince pulls his trousers back up, not at all amused)

PRINCE: And now that we have wasted enough time with your little parlour trick, perhaps we should get back to the business of seeking and destroying the -

(The Lexx fires a blast, destroying the shuttle)

PRINCE: And what, pray tell, was that?
STAN: Why that, er - it sounded like the Lexx, firing its weapon. But that's not possible, is it?

(The moth breeder leaves the bridge, just before everyone else gets there)

PRINCE: Stanley, why don't you simply ask the Lexx if it fired its weapon? Then we'll know what's happened
STAN: Oh, there's no need to do that. See, the Lexx couldn't have fired because the Lexx only does what I tell it to do, er, because I'm its captain, I'm its only captain. Say, umm - you guys didn't happen to see Lyekka, LooLoo around anywhere, did you?
PRINCE: No. Why?
STAN: Oh, I was just wondering
PRINCE: Why do you ask about her? You already have the key back from her
STAN: Well yeah, but we were friends once, remember, you know, before she stole the key from me, and I got it back
PRINCE: Really (he's not convinced)

(In a passageway, there is the sound of farting - the carrot is free once more. The poor moth breeder looks confused for a minute, then walks away)

PRINCE: Lexx - connect me to NASA

(There's no response from the Lexx, of course)

PRINCE: 790, can you connect me to NASA?
790: If I felt like it - which will never happen!
KAI: 790 -
790: Oh, all right

(Shnoog appears on 790's eye screens)

PRINCE: Professor Shnoog, this is Isambard Prince. I need to know the status of Operation Hard Encounter
SHNOOG: (laughs) Gone! Gone gone gone gone gone! Goodbye, goodbye - disappeared right off the radar
PRINCE: (to Stan) I wonder how that could have happened?
STAN: 790, how could that have happened?
790: I don't know and I don't care. I just wanna suck my dead man's hair
PRIEST: There goes my re-election
PRINCE: So - it appears that our mission is still to locate the carrot
XEV: Before it locates us
STAN: Well yeah, OK, as long as we all stick together this time

(They are all walking down a passageway. 790 is in the lead, making pinging noise, with little targets in his eyes. Xev has a flame-thrower(?), Stan has a weapon of some kind, Priest has a net)

BUNNY: My feet are sore!
PRIEST: My everything is sore
STAN: Oh, this is hopeless. The Lexx is too big. We're never gonna find it
790: Shh! It's close. Quiet now
XEV: Talk to me, robot head
790: I still can't quite pinpoint it. Come on. Closer, closer - very close
STAN: Where is the damn thing?
790: It's close. It's here. It's right on top of us
STAN: Where, where?(looks around)
790: It's - it's - it's behind us!!

(Everyone screams and turns. There's a carrot vision shot of Kai, who is bringing up the rear)

BUNNY: Where is it?

(Kai points at his butt)

KAI: Here
XEV: What? You've got the carrot inside you Kai?
KAI: Yes - but not for long

(He tries a quick twist of his stomach, but nothing happens. Xev points her weapon at him)

KAI: I'll be right back

(Yes, the dead do poo - but it takes a while for them to dispose of the carrot. Kai walks on to the bridge, where everyone is waiting. Stan rushes over to him, looking highly amused)

STAN: So, dead man - how was your first bowel movement in 6000 years?
KAI: Dry

(Kai sits down beside Prince)

XEV: Well, that's one bad carrot down
PRINCE: And one missing key to the Lexx still to go
STAN: Hey, don't worry about it, you know, we'll find it, it's gotta be around here somewhere
PRINCE: Around here somewhere indeed

(He resumes playing chess with Kai)

KAI: Check

(Kai looks at Prince, who smiles)

© Filking Fairy

© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana

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