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Lexx 4.05 Xevivor
(written by Jeffrey Hirschfield)

(Onscreen, a commercial for a new reality show is playing)

VOICE: A tropical island paradise. Ten virile studs. One drop dead gorgeous babe. And a single night of jungle love!

(The screen shows beaches, studs, and a girl in a red bikini frolicking in the surf - doesn't show her face)

VOICE: Lust and survival collide. The sea breeze is thick with hormones. May the best man win

(The commercial is being shown to a bunch of TV execs, sat around a desk. A blond man switches it off - last seen in 3.5 Gondola as Fifi, but now he's called Farley)

FARLEY: Any questions - or should I break out the rubber pants?

(At the head of the table is the boss, Oliver. We know he's the boss because he's not wearing a shirt, and is being massaged by a young woman)

OLIVER: It stinks -

(Farley looks worried)

OLIVER: - like gold!
FARLEY: Oh (laughs) The stink we love!
OLIVER: Great concept Farley. Who's gonna play the girl?
FARLEY: Only the most bodacious babe on the planet - Xev Bellringer!
OLIVER: The honey from prison who ruled the Internet, perfect
FARLEY: Don't I know it! That jug of hot sauce has half the men on the planet bursting their Levi's! I wanna name the show after her, get this -

(He puts on a baseball cap, with the show's logo)

FARLEY: Xevivor!
OLIVER: Love it, love it bundles

(Everyone around the desk laughs. A man next to Oliver whispers in his ear)

OLIVER: Problem, Farley - Roger here tells me every network around's been trying to hire this Xev creature. No-one can track her down, nobody knows where she lives, she's disappeared. Do you know something that we don't?
FARLEY: Well, I couldn't reach her either, but check it out - a little while back, I get a call from her agent out of the blue - some dude named Prince. We're working the deal, we're getting close, real close. As a matter of fact, I got him on the line right now (switches on speaker phone) Prince! You still there, big guy?

(Prince is in his office, putting on a different accent)

PRINCE: Sure am, chief. How's our itch?
FARLEY: Getting scratched
FARLEY: Working
PRINCE: Whole lotta shaking?
FARLEY: Big time baking
PRINCE: Easy peasy
FARLEY: Japaneasy!
PRINCE: Righteous! Wicked up!
FARLEY: (to Oliver) He says money's not the issue. Prolonged exposure is. He wants to make sure that Xev's working for the network for a long time
OLIVER: Of course, done - as long as he can have her on location yesterday
FARLEY: Prince, you make the gravy, we'll slather the ham
PRINCE: I like mine from the butt, meat from the sweet spot
FARLEY: Fine dining
PRINCE: If you like pork
FARLEY: Hey Prince, pleasure doing business with ya
PRINCE: Yo momma

(Prince hangs up, switches on a screen - which shows 790)

PRINCE: That went well
790: It did. It did indeed
PRINCE: It's a pleasure doing business with you, robot head
790: Yo momma (smiles)

(Prince switches off the screen)

(Back to the TV people)

OLIVER: You're a genius, Farley - Xevivor's got monster hit written all over it

(He puts his arm around Farley's shoulders)

OLIVER: Tell me - why Zig Zig Island?
FARLEY: I'd never even heard of it, but no matter what questions I put to the computer, it always selected Zig Zig. Must be the best place

(On the Lexx, 790 is on the bridge, watching the view screen)

790: Robot revenge has arrived - right on schedule

(A swarm of alien carrot probes fly past the Lexx, heading for a small island...)

(Xev is having a shower, while 790 tells her about Xevivor)

XEV: How many men, you say?
790: Ten. Selected from the finest specimens Earth has to offer. Millions watch as they compete against each other in a series of contests, and the eventual winner claims a steamy night of love with the grand prize - you. Sexy, saucy, scintillating you!
XEV: And millions will watch the winner and I fulfil this night of love?
790: Most certainly
XEV: Hmm - that's OK. I like it!

(And now 790 is in the galley, pitching the idea to Stan)

STAN: How many men?
790: Nine, besides yourself
STAN: And the winner gets to rock the love hut with Xev, huh?
790: That's right
STAN: Nah. No no no, it's ridiculous, I mean, how am I ever gonna get picked for the show?
790: It's already been arranged. One of the spots has been reserved for a wild card contestant chosen from a computer lottery. I can guarantee you'll get that position
STAN: Yeah, but what chance do I have once I get down there? I mean, I'm a man's man, no mistake about that, but these other guys, I mean, they sound like they've been training for contests like this all their lives. What chance do I have to win against that kind of competition?
790: Leave that to me, Stanley. I promise that when it's all over, you'll be all over Xev
STAN: Why are you doing this? What's in this for you?
790: I'm just trying to give everybody what they want. If you're off somewhere rubbing yourself against Xev, then I get to be alone with the dead and delicious one, and hopefully rub against him
STAN: Oh, for the last time - ! Kai is all yours. Xev can't have him, I don't want him - what's the issue?
790: Those not in love will never understand those who are. Now what do you say, Tweedle? You and Xev, naked under a tropical sun, with the entire planet admiring your sexual prowess, no doubt leading to all kinds of offers, from all sorts of sensational Earth females! Is it a deal?
STAN: Yeah, deal

(Stan smiles. So does 790. The Lexx heads back to Earth, and Xev takes a moth down to Zig Zig Island)

XEV: Kai - will you please check in on the show from time to time?
KAI: Why?
XEV: I want you to make sure everything's OK
790: She'll be just fine
XEV: Will you do that for me?
KAI: Yes
STAN: I agree with 790 - nothing's gonna happen, it's, er, gonna be an experience to treasure

(Stan walks across the bridge to the moth platform)

KAI: Going somewhere, Stanley?
STAN: Yeah, down to the Earth, why?
KAI: I thought that you wished never to visit there again
STAN: Well yeah, but Xev's down there, and - look, I just changed my mind, OK? Something the living do. You got a problem with that?
KAI: The dead do not have problems
STAN: Oo, can't agree with you there
790: Hurry along then, security guard - and good riddance
STAN: Yeah, well, you two have fun while I'm gone
790: (to Kai) I will if you will

(Stan takes a moth and flies down to Earth)

(On Zig Zig Island, Farley is on the phone to his latest psychiatrist)

FARLEY: Now you listen to me, Dr not at all helpful - you're the fifth shrink I've been to in as many months! You blowhards all have the same questions, I don't want any more questions - I want answers. I want these sick urges to stop, OK?

(Farley's assistant - Pearl - joins him on the beach, so he disconnects)

PEARL: Farley! Farley -
FARLEY: Where've you been? Listen to what these hack writers penned for me. There's no way in hell I'm saying this. "We've assembled some of the most handsomest, most desirable, most bodacious men on the planet. We brought them here" - oh, come on Pearl, it makes me sound like a homo! A guy who talks about men like that is a guy who wants to crawl all over them - and I'm not that guy, those guys give me the creeps, you understand? Now get it rewritten!

(He throws his script on the ground, storms off, then calls back)

FARLEY: Never mind, I'll wing it!

(Pearl picks up the pages, not happy. In the control tent full of TV equipment, someone counts Farley in)

FARLEY: Hello, and welcome, viewers from around the globe. This is a live telecast. I'm Farley Kuckle on Zig Zig Island, and you're watching Xevivor - the most exciting television event of all time! We've gathered some of the hunkiest, hottest, cut and buffed beefcakes you've ever laid eyes on. These studs are to die for!

(He does a pelvic thrust, then realises how gay he looks. He continues, quickly)

FARLEY: They're here for one unforgettable night of love, with the most succulent female in the universe - but don't take my word for it - see for yourselves. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the island goddess - XEV!

(Xev steps out onto the platform of a beach hut)

XEV: Hi! Hi!

(She laughs, and blows kisses)

FARLEY: And her sweaty suitors!

(Nine studs emerge from the waves, and wade ashore. Xev walks down the steps, looks at Farley)

XEV: You! Hey, you - I know you
FARLEY: Maybe from another life
XEV: No, in fact two other lives. You were evil and died in both of them
FARLEY: Yeah, yeah, that's right. I did die in a previous life(looks at camera) on another network!

(The studs race across the beach to Xev, who dances on the steps for them)

FARLEY: When we come back we're gonna pick our wild card contestant. After all - shouldn't ordinary Joe get to dream the cream dream too?

(790 is watching all this on the view screen)

790: Yeah!
FARLEY: Our six finalists are right over there, so stick around

(On the beach are six red sacks, with eye holes. Number 4 -of course- is Stan)

STAN: This better work, 790

(Xev dances on the beach, surrounded by a circle of cheering studs)

(On the Lexx, Kai walks onto the bridge. He kneels down to talk to 790)

KAI: Stanley is on the island with Xev. Was this something you arranged?
790: Yes. I'm going to help him win the night of love with her
KAI: That will make Stan happy - and Xev unhappy
790: I'm a bad head - spank me!

(And then Longbore's assistant, Tina, appears on the view screen. Kai gets up)

TINA: Hello? Spaceship Lexx, is anybody there, is Kai there? Hello?
790: No-one is here! I'll get rid of her
KAI: Do not do that
790: But - this is out together time!
KAI: I am here
TINA: Kai! (big smile, poor smitten girl) Dr Longbore asked me to contact you, and I said contacting you was OK by me. He's found some more material that relates to the Divine Order symbol and the things you seem interested in, and he wanted to know if you'd like to return to our planet and examine it. Do you want to examine it?
KAI: I would
790: No, Kai!
TINA: Great! When you arrive, I'll show it to you. I'll show you everything. Will you come?
KAI: I wish to come
TINA: Me too!
790: I'm going to virtually vomit
KAI: But first I must remain here to monitor the television programme on which Xev is appearing
TINA: Oh, you can do that here. You can do anything here
KAI: Then I will come
790: Kai! Don't do it! Stay with me and be my cuddle corpse. It's obvious she's a conniving bespectacled tramp!
KAI: You keep watch till I return
790: Don't leave me!!!

(But Kai takes a moth and heads for Earth)

790: There's only one thing to do when the deceased break your heart -

(790 watches Farley spinning a wooden frame with some balls in)

FARLEY: And now, here we go for Mr Wild Card
790: And that's to make others pay
FARLEY: Number -

(Ball number 6 rolls out of a tube - but 790 has computer code in his eyes)

790: Don't think so

(The ball is sucked back up the tube, and replaced by number 4)

FARLEY: Number - 4? Get on out here!
STAN: 4? That's me!

(He gets out of his sack)

STAN: That's me, that's me, that's me! I'm the winner, I'm the winner! (laughs)
XEV: Stan?!
STAN: I'm the winner, I'm the winner, I'm the winner, I'm the winner!

(He rushes across the beach, laughing)

STAN: Na na na na na! Hi sexy, hi guys
XEV: No way!
FARLEY: Congratulations. What's your name?
STAN: Stanley Tw -

(He recognises Farley)

STAN: I know you. Schlemmi, Fifi - you're evil

(Stan runs over to Xev)

FARLEY: Those two must be sucking on the same bong
XEV: I want you out of here right now!
STAN: Me? You should worry about him. Xev look, it was just the luck of the draw, and I mean, what can you do?
XEV: Crush your neck with my bare hands if I have to

(She smiles sweetly to the camera)

STAN: Well, that wouldn't be very island goddess-like of you, would it? Besides, this whole world is watching
FARLEY: A full five hours of our broadcast day is dedicated to bringing you all the action of Xevivor, live - because we know you, just like those men, want it all, right now!

(Unseen, a carrot probe scuttles along the beach, eyeing the studs)

(In the love hut. A man is fussing over Xev's hair - now blonde and curly - while another man is working on her new outfit, which makes her look like a blue poodle. Farley is sitting in a chair in a corner)

BARBER: Do you mind?
TAILOR: Do you? The wardrobe must be just so if Xevivor's going to get and keep good ratings
BARBER: That shows how little you know, Tailor. The secret to good ratings is beautiful hair
TAILOR: You're an idiot, Barber. The saying is "Dress for success" - not brush for it. Great clothes, great ratings - period
BARBER: Then we should get someone in here who can make great clothes, not the ratings killer that you've designed
XEV: Quiet, both of you! Farley, I don't care about any wild card contestant. Stanley Tweedle should not be here
FARLEY: Don't worry about it, toots. I mean, his chances of thwacking your thong come love night are precisely zero. Look who he's up against

(Farley gets up, and proceeds to make a complete idiot of himself)

FARLEY: Titans. Chiselled Adonises. Fine hewn slabs of rippled man flesh, pumping out their pungent testosterone musk, causing a deep and powerful thirst, a thirst that can only be quenched when a pair of swarthy, hairy arms takes you into their powerful grasp, and -

(He realises he is getting too excited. Tailor and Barber are both very amused by this)

FARLEY: Er - you look great. Really fetching

(Farley hastily leaves the tent)

BARBER: Fetching. Appropriate, seeing as how you dressed her like a poodle
TAILOR: You know, if the show were on the hair disaster channel, ratings would be through the roof

(Xev, bored with this, pulls off the jacket)

(Day One. Xev is on the beach, in the blue poodle outfit. In one hand she's holding two yellow balloons, in the other the small basket they're attached to. Inside is a little chick, which she kisses)

FARLEY: This is a rare Zig Zig chicken - one of the last of its kind. This critter is gonna sail over the island until we blow one of the balloons by remote, causing it to come down. Whoever finds it first and lays it at Xev's feet wins the day. Xev - let it go!
XEV: Whee!
FARLEY: Our champions will go after it as soon as they can climb out of their jail. Gentlemen - on your marks

(The studs are behind a stockade, against a steep slope, with ropes hanging down. The studs push Stan back across the puddle at the base of the slope)

XEV: Go!

(The studs start climbing the ropes)

XEV: Go go go go! (laughs)

(All the studs are up the ropes. Stan is struggling. The hunks race through the jungle, swinging on vines)

(Xev Bellringer - Love Slave - speaks to the camera)

XEV: The winner of each challenge is granted immunity from the regular daily voting that eliminates one player from the contest. Soon, only one lucky man will be left to satisfy my many needs - and I, his

(Cedric - Mr Iron Man, 1999)

CEDRIC: I'll win. I'm the best. The other guys are very good, but I'm the best. Still, having a withered skinbag like Tweedle around - I dunno, it taints things

(Hank - Mr Australia 2000)

HANK: Xev and I, making out like animals on the first night of love? That'll happen. Stanley Tweedle passing the first vote? That won't

(Stan rattles at the poles, tries to climb the stockade. Pearl looks at him, then opens the door)

STAN: Thank you

(She taps his shoulder, points)

PEARL: That way

(Stan heads into the jungle)

(In the control tent, things are busy. Farley is busy in a corner, chanting into his mobile)

MOON: That's very good, Farley
FARLEY: It's no use, Mistress Moonbeam. The chant's not working. I feel more sick urges, not less!
MOON: Your inner child is grieving, Farley
FARLEY: But I'm not one of -

(He sees Pearl looking at him, lowers his voice)

FARLEY: - them. I despise them. So why? Why do I keep feeling these urges? What does the tarot say?
MOON: The cards show many past lives for you, Farley
FARLEY: I see - so I'm like this because of bad things I've done in the past?
MOON: Trust your inner child, Farley
FARLEY: Well, thank you Mistress Moonbeam, that's really helpful

(He hangs up, looks worried, and sobs quietly)

(One of the studs - Cedric- retrieves the basket from a tree)

STUD: Yes!

(He runs along, carefully holding the basket - then he hears something, and goes to look. A carrot follows him. He bends down, then looks between his legs, just in time to see the carrot leap up into his butt. There are screams)

(Stan is nearby, but doesn't seem to have heard the screams)

STAN: Well, what do you know?

(He sees the chick, catches it easily, and heads for the beach, delighted with himself)

(On the beach, most of the studs have returned empty handed. Xev is sitting outside the love hut with Farley)

FARLEY: Listen - it's not like I believe in New Age hocus pocus stuff or anything, but, er, I was wondering - could you tell me more about this guy who you said was like me? Who you met before, you know, who died?
XEV: Well, first he was Schlemmi, then Fifi - now you
FARLEY: Right, but what, like - what was he like? Like for instance, was he, er - gay?
XEV: What is gay?
FARLEY: Gay, you know, gay! Like a man who likes other men, in a sexual way - which is not me of course, let's make that perfectly clear, I got "No Trespassing" tattooed on my ass - but, it's just this other guy, I was wondering if he was like, a little - you know
XEV: Not that I know of
FARLEY: Oh. Oh, that's a relief
XEV: But he was very sneaky, and he never told the truth. And liked to kill people
STAN: Hey hey hey!

(Stan runs along the beach, holding up the chick)

XEV: No, no, no!

(Farley calls his assistant over)

FARLEY: Pearl, what's going on? The remote crew reported Stud 9 won
PEARL: Yeah?
FARLEY: Yeah, so - go find him, I want answers!

(Xev stands at the entrance to the love hut, not happy. Farley outs his arm around Stan's shoulders)

FARLEY: Hey, will you look at that everybody! Our wild card contestant Stanley Tweedle has won our first contest. Well done Stanley. Go offer your tribute to Xev

(Stan walks up the steps to the love hut)

STAN: Well - yum yum. Looks like Stan and Xev are gonna have fire down below

(Xev walks forward, takes the chick - and eats it. She pulls a bone out of her mouth, throws it away, and growls at Stan)

FARLEY: We'll be right back

(Kai's moth lands in Longbore's lab. Longbore, Tina and Dougall are there)

LONG: What an honour for you to return to us, Kai
TINA: I'll say!

(She gives Kai an adoring look)

KAI: You have some material you claim is of interest to me?
LONG: Straight to business, I admire that. Tina, please go upstairs and prepare things for our visitor
TINA: With pleasure
LONG: The construction of our space vessel is proceeding well
KAI: You are able to receive television broadcasts here. I wish to view a show called Xevivor
DOUG: Oh, no problem. Most of us are completely hooked on it

(It's playing on a monitor nearby)

VOICE: Next on Xevivor - the vote. Who will be the first to leave the island?

(Pierre - Mr Greater London)

PIERRE: It's a shame that Tweedle freak is immune, 'cause he'd definitely get my vote

(Nelson - Professional Wrestler)

NELSON: It's Tweedle for sure - the dude's pathetic

(Willy - Male Stripper)

WILLY: Tweedle - even my dad isn't that much of a loser

(Xev - lying on the beach at night)

XEV: Stanley Tweedle has been trying to get me to ride his tower of power ever since I ran into him. It has not happened in the last 4000 years, and it's sure not gonna happen in the next 4000 either! (smiles sweetly)

(The monitor shows her dancing for the studs, in a light blue outfit. Kai and various geeks watch)

(On the island, Farley is getting worried)

FARLEY: Still no sign of number 9? What the hell's going on here?
PEARL: I don't know

(On the Lexx, 790 watches the show, and laughs)

(Stan tries to dance with Xev, but she pushes him down on the sand)

FARLEY: OK. Well, I'm afraid we don't have the accompanying footage available at the moment. The first vote has taken place, and the tribe has voted off Stud number 9. That's right - Hank's history! (hmm - I'm sure the one who's gone was Cedric) We'll be right back
XEV: Whoa whoa whoa! Nobody voted. Nobody voted! Now I should know, you know? I would have voted for, er - Stan. Even if he does have immunity
FARLEY: Look, there's nothing I can do about it now, folks. Hank never returned. Er - my assistant here informed me that, er - he got cold feet, and he bailed. He was last seen, um, er - stealing a canoe, a canoe. So, er, let's forget about him and call it a night

(A carrot has been watching this. It scuttles off into the undergrowth)

(Upstairs in Longbore's lab. Kai looks at some files, while Tina undoes her cardigan)

TINA: I have something else to show you
KAI: What?
TINA: An old film I found. Please, take my - take a seat

(Kai sits down. Tina switches on a projector, then sits beside him and takes her glasses off. An old black and white documentary begins to play)

FILM: Transylvania - land of legend. Nestled in the foothills of the Carpathian mountains of eastern Europe is the ancient land of Transylvania, a land said to have all the superstitions of the world piled up within its borders. Transylvania is indeed a special place that gestates story and legend

(Tina puts her hand on Kai's chest, leans her head on his shoulder - he watches the screen)

FILM: Once the mythological home of vampires, modern Transylvania has progressed far beyond its dark and mysterious past
KAI: What are vampires?
TINA: A type of living dead

(She kisses him gently on the face, tries to turn his head)

FILM: And while Transylvania has retained its old charm, inside a Europe that has all but disappeared, it has moved forward to keep pace with the modern amenities of everyday life. Tourists from around the world flock to Transylvania, not only for its three star hotels and tempting Romanian cuisine, but also to enjoy the splendour of the Carpathian mountains
TINA: I've never given myself to a living man. I always knew I was meant for someone special, and you're someone special, Kai

(She kisses him, but Kai watches a figure on the screen)

FILM: - to take romantic rides on horse drawn carts down winding rural roads, to visit ancient monasteries, medieval villages, and natural wilderness. Not to mention a plethora of cliff hanging Transylvanian castles. Once considered to be backwards and perilous, Transylvania is enjoying its 20th century overhaul, and now stands as Europe's fifth largest supplier of goats cheese, and second largest manufacturer of -

(Kai stands up for a closer look, but then the film starts to burn)

KAI: May I view these images again, picture by picture?
TINA: Sure, I can transfer it to this computer, but it'll take a while
KAI: Do you have anymore information about vampires?

(Tina gets up and hands him a large old book)

(Xevivor - Day Two)

VOICE: The boys have been divided into teams of three for this contest, and all get immunity if they win. Each team has a pristine piece of Xev's lingerie, which must remain that way on threat of disqualification. The team members take turns, transporting Xev's underwear over challenging obstacles, and the first to lay theirs at Xev's feet takes the day

(Stan, lingerie held in his teeth, is hanging from a rope bridge, slowly crossing a stream. Of course, he falls in. His team mates - Nelson and Valentino - are not happy)

NELS: Tweedle, you idiot!
STAN: Fellas, help me, help me!
NELS: Help yourself, you useless -
STAN: I'm stuck!
NELS: Must be our lucky day
VALE: Yeah

(And then they hear the sound of a carrot)

NELS: What's that? What's that noise?

(They go off to investigate)

STAN: Fellas? Fellas?

VALE: Hey look, there's one there
NELS: What are they?
VALE: Looks like a carrot

(The carrots attack. The studs fall to the ground, twitching)

STAN: Fellas? Fellas! Fellas? Fellas?

(There is no sign of the studs. The trees nearby are now bloodstained)

(Later. A soggy Stan is in the control tent)

STAN: Can I have a blanket please?

(Farley is whispering on his phone)

FARLEY: Two more guys, Oliver! I'm getting a little nervous here. And those missing ones were(upset) really great guys

(Oliver is sitting on his desk, getting marked for liposuction)

OLIVER: I know it's a little messy up there Farley, but as long as the ratings keep going up, who gives a rat's crapper? And the ratings are going up, let me tell you - phones, faxes, e-mails by the truckloads, Xevivor's all the rage!
FARLEY: Of course, I'm a genius! But - it's not just the studs anymore, Ollie - a couple of the crew have gone missing too
OLIVER: Unreliable union bastards! You're king of the universe, Farley. Don't let me down now

(Oliver ends the call. Farley goes over to Stan)

FARLEY: Hey, er - you know like when you knew me before - not that I believe that you did - er, was I like, you know, was I, like - gay?
STAN: Gay?
FARLEY: Gay, gay, you know - did I like men, in a sexual way?
FARLEY: Oh good
STAN: Why, do you now?

(Farley rushes out of the tent)

(Later, everyone is on the beach)

FARLEY: OK everybody - it's voting time. Nelson and Valentino haven't returned from the field yet, so they miss the ballot. Trouser Snake team - you're immune. Everybody else is fair game. The voting booth is right over here, gentlemen. So let's go!

(Everyone looks at Stan angrily, then take turns poking a hole in their ballot against his name and posting it into a box. Xev stabs hers with the pencil several times)

(On the Lexx, 790 is watching)

790: Not so fast, hussy pants

(He takes control of the voting computer. A result prints out, and Farley takes it)

FARLEY: The vote is a tie - between Nelson and Valentino, the two studs who've yet to return. So, they're eliminated from the contest

(No-one is happy with this result - except Stan. Later that evening, they tell the camera how they feel)

HANK: I punched my ballot ticket for Stanley Tweedle ****** know no-one voted for him. He's a **** and he's up to something
PIERRE: **** his ***** if he comes anywhere near me, I'm gonna kick his ***
HANK: If he thinks he's welcome at the man's camp anymore, he's got another thing coming. I really hate his guts!
PIERRE: I can't believe how the tosser's going on. He's a ******* wanker. Tosser! ****** hate him!
XEV: I did not come to this island to sleep with Stanley Tweedle - so somebody somewhere better see to it that he doesn't win, understand?
790: Sorry - a deal's a deal (laughs)

(Longbore's lab. Kai is reading from the book, Tina is fixing the film on the projector, Dougall is setting up a laptop)

KAI: Immortal lord of the night, lord of death, killer of man, drinker of blood, of this earth, or somewhere beyond
DOUG: All yours. I've also set it up so that the images will run simultaneously through the computer - you can print frames, magnify, whatever
TINA: Let me get the light

(Dougall leaves, the film starts again. Tina stands in front of the screen, takes off her cardigan, lets her hair down, undoes the top two buttons of her blouse, and walks to Kai)

TINA: I've held out my whole life for you. I wanna do everything

(She takes his hand, puts it on her breast)

TINA: I don't know much about vampires, and I don't much care, but you can suck my blood if you want to

(She sits on his lap, strokes his hair)

KAI: The dead do not normally suck blood
TINA: Neither do the living

(She kisses his neck - but he just watches the screen)

(On Zig Zig Island, it's the next morning. Stan is asleep under the platform of the men's camp. He's woken by men kicking sand at him)

HANK: Come on, get up!
STAN: Hey!
HANK: What did you do to him, Tweedle?
STAN: What are you talking about?
HANK: Jinx, man! Last night he slept in the cabin, this morning the only thing left was this!

(He holds up a head scarf)

STAN: Well, I don't know anything about that

(The studs haul him out)

STAN: Besides, you guys kicked me out of the camp, remember?
HANK: Hope you like this island, Tweedle - it's where you're gonna die

(They throw him back)

STAN: Oh, is a roll in the sack with Xev worth all this grief? (smiles) Yeah

(In Longbore's lab, Tina is still kissing Kai, who is selecting frames to print out. He stands up, with her still clinging to him)

KAI: There. I am interested in this figure

(A tall dark figure, with strange pointed hairdo/hat?)

KAI: Of this earth, or somewhere beyond...
TINA: Forget about all that, Kai. Plunge your stake into me, please!

(Tina kisses him. 790 has been watching this through a web cam, and appears on the laptop)

790: Aha! Kai! Get away from her! Murder the tramp!
KAI: I will not do that, 790
790: Kai?
KAI: Yes?
790: I have a confession to make
KAI: What?
790: I made a deal with Prince to get Xev on the Xevivor show, and fixed it so that Stan would be on the island with her -
KAI: Yes?
790: And I also fixed it so that the show took place on Zig Zig Island

(Kai sits down to look at the monitor - Tina has her arm around him)

KAI: Why?
790: Because Zig Zig Island is infested with alien probes, and I wanted Stan and Xev to be dead, so that I could have you all to myself, without anyone else!
KAI: What type of alien probes?
790: I don't know! Evil ones. They've come to this planet to find out what tastes good. They're transmitting the results back to some mother ship off in space somewhere. But who cares, so long as they kill Stan and Xev!

(Kai gets up)

TINA: You're awful!
790: Just protecting my interests, bitch!

(Tina slams the laptop shut. Kai's pictures emerge from the printer)

(Meanwhile, on Zig Zig Island - )

VOICE: Day Three. Once again our contestants are broken up into two groups. Their objective - take out as many of the other team as you can with your paint gun. Capture their flag, and return it to Xev

(In the jungle, Stan is in the lead - his team-mate fires on him from behind)

STAN: What'd you do that for?
HANK: Because I felt like it
STAN: But we're on the same team!

(Then the stud sees one of the missing hunks, with his back to them)

HANK: Hey! Hey Nelson! Hey Nelson, where you been, man? Heard you fled the island

(Nelson turns - he's covered in blood, his trousers all torn)

HANK: Hey, Nelson - you don't look so good, man

(Stan looks on in horror as Nelson strangles the stud, then comes after him. Stan squirts him with paint, then drops the gun and runs)

(Kai walks up to Dougall, who is watching the show with some geeks)

KAI: Put me through to 790
790: You rang, death doll?
KAI: 790, patch me into all the monitors on the island, immediately

(Stan is hiding behind some trees, when Kai's voice comes out through a speaker)

KAI: Stan, Xev - you are in danger
STAN: Yeah, like I didn't know that!

(Xev is standing outside the love hut in her blue poodle outfit, when she hears Kai's voice)

KAI: Stan, Xev - for your own safety, leave the island now. Everyone, leave the island now

(Xev rushes into the hut)

XEV: Did you hear that, boys? We all have to - oh

(But it's too late for Tailor and Barber)

(Kai gets ready to leave the lab)

TINA: Take me with you
KAI: I will not
TINA: Here (hands him printouts) Promise you'll come back?

(Kai says nothing, and gets into the moth)

TINA: I'll wait for you

(She waves as the moth flies away)

(Farley is in the TV tent, on the phone to Oliver - who is lying on his back on his desk, about to have liposuction)

FARLEY: We're seeing it on remote cameras all over the island. Death! Mutilation! People being turned into these cyborg killer things! And these little walking carrots!
OLIVER: The whole world's watching Farley - and I mean the whole world, 24/7. It's a phenomenon. And we are concerned for you, but oh baby, don't worry, we're taking care of you. We've increased the show's liability insurance to deal with the disgruntled relatives - you know, the mooks who sit at home watching their son get turned into carrot salad on prime time. The show goes on, Farley! Kissy kisses!
FARLEY: Oliver! Oliver! Damn!

(Xev runs along the beach to the control tent, past a man who's running away. She goes inside, and Farley grabs hold of her)

FARLEY: Hey - you know why this is happening to me. It's because of you
XEV: What?
FARLEY: Yeah, it's your fault. I'm not bad - you made me this way in one of my past lives, and now I'm paying for it. Isn't it enough that I'm - conflicted inside?!
XEV: Can't you just stop talking for a moment?
FARLEY: Oh, shut up!

(Then they hear carrots. One comes in through the opening of the tent, more come out from behind monitors)

FARLEY: I'm - I'm not gay!

(He runs out of the tent)

XEV: It won't help

(Xev leaves the tent, but Farley is already out of sight. She runs through the trees, as does Stan. Kai's moth heads for the island. Xev hears carrots, and hides. So does Stan, next to a speaker - then he hears 790's voice)

790: Yoo hoo! Calling all drones! The menu items you are looking for can be located on any monitor. Yoo hoo! Drones!

(Stan looks at the camera - so does Xev)

790: Stanley Tweedle and Xev Bellringer are being observed by cameras located - everywhere!

(They run. Stan runs into a zombie stud, but gets away. He has to cross the rope bridge, which he manages to do this time. The carrots run along the rope, and the stud slowly follows. Stan pauses to speak into one of the fallen cameras)

STAN: I'm really scared now

(He runs on. The carrot chasing him stops, blinks at the camera, then carries on)

(In the control tent, more drones are watching Stan and Xev on monitors)

(Stan comes across Farley, who is on the phone, with his back to him)

FARLEY: I don't know what the hell I'm paying you for! Will you stop telling me that? I can't help myself, I can't!
STAN: Hey you, host guy -
FARLEY: The urges are growing stronger!
STAN: How do we get off this island?
FARLEY: I have to act on the urges, now!

(Stan turns Farley to face him - his clothes are covered in blood. A carrot eye appears in the middle of his forehead)

FARLEY: Hello, handsome. I want to taste your meat

(Stan runs. Farley follows, slowly)

FARLEY: I'll be gentle

(Stan scrambles down a rope, into the stockade. He falls back into the water. Carrots are jumping down the slope toward him. More carrots and zombie studs are on the other side of the fence)

STAN: Somebody, help! Help! Help, somebody! Help!

(Xev hears him, and does a lizard roll along the beach, squashing some carrots. She opens the gate for him)

STAN: Oh, I really love you, I thank you
XEV: Let's go, Stanley
STAN: My ankle, I think I twisted it

(He leans on Xev)

XEV: Come on, we don't have much time. Is your moth nearby?
STAN: Yeah
XEV: So is mine. We have to reach one of them
STAN: Good plan

(They leave, followed by studs and carrots)

(In Longbore's lab, geeks are betting on the outcome. Elsewhere, the TV execs are watching too)

OLIVER: Hot damn - who needs the Superbowl! (laughs)

(On Zig Zig Island, things are not looking good)

XEV: Look - those creatures destroyed the moth
STAN: Right - we're dead
XEV: We should try to reach the beach. Our only hope is to swim for it
STAN: I can't swim!
XEV: I can - I think. This way

(They keep moving. A carrot follows)

(Kai is still in the moth)

KAI: 790, how long until I reach Zig Zig Island?
790: Approximately one hour, my perfect pulseless one
KAI: And how long do you estimate Xev and Stanley can remain alive?
790: Less than that, oh marvel of rigor mortis. You can't save them - but you can save me

(790 tries to kiss Kai, but he switches the screen off)

(Stan and Xev are now trapped on the beach, with zombie crew, studs and carrots backing them into the water. They put their arms around each other)

STAN: There's nowhere left to go
XEV: Then we'll die, Stan
STAN: Well Xev, I know I said it before, hope I get a chance to say it again, but I doubt it - it's been nice knowing you
XEV: You too

(They look at each other - and then the hunks stop moving)

FARLEY: Bad boat. Bad boat. Bad boat. Bad boat. Bad boat

(The studs all join in this chance. Stan and Xev look over their shoulders - out at sea, there is a boat, with a happy couple - who are putting carrots into a blender)

FARLEY: Bad boat. Bad boat. Bad boat

(The studs lurch into the waves, and the carrots take off into the air)

STUDS: Bad boat. Bad boat

(On the boat, the woman looks up, points)

WOMAN: Oh look, over there, what's that?

(It's Kai's moth, which flies past the boat to the island. Then a swarm of carrots descends on the boat. There are screams)

(Kai lands the moth on the beach. Stan and Xev are -naturally- very relieved. The moth flies off into the sunset)

XEV: Thanks for rescuing us, Kai
KAI: I am interested in visiting an area of the European continent called Transylvania
XEV: Why?
KAI: There may be someone there that fate would have me meet
STAN: Transylvania, huh? Well, that's fine with me. It can't be any worse than where we just came from, can it?

(Xev laughs)

STAN: Can it?

(Stan looks at Kai, who says nothing)

© Filking Fairy

© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana

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