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Lexx 4.04 Stan Down
(written by Paul Donovan, Lex Gigeroff)

(Earth. A little old lady comes out of her house to feed the cat)

OLD: Buttons! It's yummy yum yum time. Buttons! Buttons! Look what mumsie's made for her very special Buttons - fresh catfish supreme

(The cat growls, and stalks off under a bush)

OLD: Don't you like your dinny din dins? Buttons?

(There is a strange metallic screeching sound, followed by the cat growling. The bush shakes, then the cat walks out - stiff legged, wide eyed. The old lady picks up the cat, kisses it)

OLD: Oh, oh Buttons! Oh Buttons, Buttons - is there something wrong with my poor little pussy?

(The White House. President Priest is practising his signature, while a waiter - wearing a uniform quite similar to Stan's - is serving tea. The First Lady walks up to the desk - she looks familiar, last seen as Lorca, one of the Stripper crew in 2.7 Love Grows)

FIRST: Are you a man or a jellyfish?
PRIEST: What, sweetie?
FIRST: Are you a man, or a spineless gutless jellyfish with no backbone whatsoever?
PRIEST: Er - I'm a man
FIRST: You're a jellyfish. You take orders from Prince, and why the head of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms should tell the President of the United States what to do is beyond me. You're nothing but a snivelling dog, Reggie
FIRST: You give the orders, not Isambard Prince - and he, and everyone else, has to follow them
PRIEST: You really think that's possible?
FIRST: Yes you moron, you're the President!
PRINCE: That's right, I am
FIRST: If you want, you can get rid of Prince - then you don't have to take orders from him again

(Priest stands up)

PRIEST: You're right
FIRST: Always
PRIEST: But how can I get rid of him?
FIRST: Anyway you want, Mr President

(She looks at the waiter. Priest approaches him)

PRIEST: Your country has an important mission for you

(A red car, driving to Orlando. Dad is driving the car, stone faced. Long suffering Mom is eating some chips. In the back, Junior is being a brat)

JUNIOR: Are we there yet?
MOM: Not yet, sweetie pie
JUNIOR: When are we gonna get there?!
MOM: We'll get there when we get there, pumpkin
JUNIOR: I wanna go to the alligator pit, right now
MOM: Mommy and daddy have promised that you can, sweetie
JUNIOR: The alligator pit! The alligator pit!
MOM: We have to get there first, sugar
JUNIOR: I'm hungry

(Mom passes back the chips)

JUNIOR: I hate those
MOM: Oh, you love them
JUNIOR: I hate those! And I want to shoot something

(Dad opens a can of drink, which fizzes all over his face. Mom and Junior think this is hilarious. Dad doesn't)

(The ATF bunker. Stan has somehow managed to nod off, still strapped to the wall. He wakes with a start)

STAN: Oh, oh! - oh, why can't this just be a dream? Why can't I just wake up in my own bed on the Lexx? This definitely is not my bed

(Far below, a door opens. In come President Priest and the waiter, whose uniform is hidden under a black jacket)

GUARD: Mr President
PRIEST: I'd like to have a word with prisoner Tweedle
GUARD: Sir, I don't know if you have the proper clearance for that here
PRIEST: Look here, I'm the President, I can do what I want, now leave me
GUARD: Yes sir

(The guards leave. Priest checks the waiter's uniform is still out of sight. Then he checks the door - the guards are listening outside)

PRIEST: Go, get out of here!

(He shoos the guards away, then operates a control. The slab Stanley is attached to is lowered, though still not down to ground level)

PRIEST: Stanley Tweedle - we have something in common, you and I
STAN: What?
PRIEST: Our strong feelings about Isambard Prince
STAN: Oh yeah, I got some strong feelings about him. They're not the same ones you have!
PRIEST: Perhaps they are. I feel strongly that this planet would be a better place as far as both you and I were concerned if Prince were, er - no longer here
STAN: What?
PRIEST: Let me ask you, Captain Tweedle - you don't mind if I call you that?
STAN: So, no
PRIEST: Captain Tweedle, could you use the Lexx to, er - destroy Prince?
STAN: Yeah, I think so. But if I do, what's in it for me?
PRIEST: I'll make you a - a king
STAN: What, king of the whole planet?
PRIEST: Oo, no, not the whole planet. But you could rule your own country, mmm - that!

(He points at the large screen overhead, which is showing a satellite image of Nova Scotia and Newfoundland. A couple of place names are highlighted - Shag Harbour and Dildo Bay)

PRIEST: That great big island. You can be king of Newfoundland
STAN: What's it like?
PRIEST: It's paradise. A beautiful island paradise of wine, women and constant song. Big sunny gardens, all year round
STAN: What are the women like?
PRIEST: Not very picky (chuckles) if you know what I mean

(Stan looks at the screen - of course, he can't read English)

STAN: King of New - New - what?
PRIEST: Newfoundland
STAN: King of Newfoundland, huh?

(Xev and Kai get off a bus in Washington)

XEV: So how do we find Stan?

(Kai turns to a passenger, trying to get off the bus behind them)

KAI: Excuse me. I am looking for Stanley Tweedle. He is in this city. How would I find him?
PASS: Better get yourself a new hairdo, freako (to Xev) Hey, baby

(He pushes Kai aside)

PASS: Outta my way, bunhead!

(Kai grabs the man, puts his brace to his throat. Meanwhile Xev strokes the man's hair)

KAI: Who is in charge of this city?
PASS: The President. In the White House. Pennsylvania Avenue
KAI: Thank you

(Kai lets the man go)

XEV: Nice work - bunhead (smiles)

(Stan is now down from the wall, wearing the waiter's suit over his uniform. Priest hands him a piece of Oval Office note paper, covered in scribbles)

STAN: So, this makes me King of , er -

(Priest turns the paper the right way up for him)

PRIEST: Newfoundland, yes. By my supreme executive authority, I invest you as the king
STAN: Excellent. I'll call you as soon as we get back to the Lexx
STAN: Oh, we're much more advanced than you are. I can call right to your desk

(Stan gets into the moth)

PRIEST: Good. And I'll find out where Prince is
STAN: Find out exactly where
PRIEST: Exactly, yes
STAN: Time to close the book on Prince

(The moth takes off, and Priest laughs. The roof of the bunker opens, and the moth flies away)

(Xev and Kai have just arrived outside the White House)

XEV: Look!

(She points at the moth overhead. Kai fires his brace, grabs the moth's leg)

XEV: Gimmee a ride?
KAI: Hold on tight

(Xev puts her arm around his neck. Stan looks down, and is delighted to see them. They fly away into the sky)

(In the ATF bunker, Prince walks into his office - two guards follow)

PRINCE: You're sure it was the President?
GUARD: Yes sir
PRINCE: And what exactly were he and Stanley Tweedle talking about?
GUARD: We don't know sir
PRINCE: Why not?

(Prince sits down behind his desk)

GUARD: He asked us to leave the chamber
PRINCE: Well why didn't you come up here?
GUARD: We - didn't know that was allowed, sir
PRINCE: Well the next time that Stanley Tweedle and the President have a little chit chat, you have my permission to come into this office. You can hear them quite well from here
GUARD: Yes sir
PRINCE: Thank you

(The guards leave. Prince switches on his large overhead TV screen. It has a small window for Tweedle cam in the corner, but for now Prince concentrates on the news)

ANCHOR: This just in - the Sacred College of Cardinals of the Catholic Church have finally chosen a new Pope. Although it's not a requirement of canon law, the college normally elects one of its own members as leader of the world's more than one billion Catholics. But in a surprise break from tradition, they've made a - real estate agent from Miami, Genevieve G Rota, the new Holy Father of the Catholic Church

(Genevieve G Rota is non other than our old friend Giggerota, last seen as Queen in 3.11 Girltown. Currently with big hair, short skirt, and a wonderfully un-Pope like leopard print top)

GGROTA: I'm His Holiness? I'm the Holy Father? I'm the Pope! Oh my goodness! I'm the Pope, I can't believe it

(She pulls one of her real estate signs out of the ground, and starts to sing)

GGROTA: I'm the Pope, it ain't no joke, everybody, I'm the Pope! I'm the Pope. I ain't no dope. I offer hope - wine, wafers and water and wine. Kiss my ring and cross my heart!

(She holds up the sign as a cross. A Cardinal Meinpo Duftet is interviewed)

CARDINAL: We were deadlocked for a week, between the Cardinal of Valencia and the Cardinal of Milan. It was getting so acrimonious, we decided to pick a compromise candidate at random from the newspaper. Once conclave begins, no communication is allowed with the outside world, and the only newspaper we had was the real estate section of the Miami Herald. We chose Genevieve because her name has a nice Catholic ring to it

(Prince enlarges the Stan screen, glances at it, then picks up the phone)

PRINCE: Isambard Prince, for the President
VOICE: I'm sorry sir. The President's, er - away
PRINCE: Away, where?
VOICE: Just - away. sir
PRINCE: The President didn't tell me that he was going away
VOICE: Would you like to leave a message?

(Prince hangs up the phone, enlarges the Stan cam - and now he can see it's the waiter. He switches off the screen, and leaves his office)

(The moth flies past the moon)

(In the car. Junior is eating a burger, Dad is having a drink. Mom is having a moan)

MOM: "We're going to Orlando this year, I promise" That's what you said. Your exact words. I assumed that meant that you wanted to go. You said we were going to go last year - of course, we didn't go anywhere last year. You said we were gonna go the year before - and the year before that. Each time you had a reason why you couldn't. You always have a reason why you can't do anything
JUNIOR: The alligator pit! The alligator pit!
MOM: We're almost there, lambikins
JUNIOR: The alligator pit! The alligator pit!
MOM: Look, we all want to get to the alligator pit, sweetheart. That is, as long as your father doesn't screw up this time, like he always does

(Dad glares, and crushes his drink can)

(The White House. The First Lady is staring in disbelief at Priest)

FIRST: That's your plan? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard
PRIEST: No, sweetie - Captain Tweedle says his spaceship can fire a tiny little beam, at precisely -
FIRST: And you believed him?
PRIEST: Well, yes
FIRST: You know, I knew you were dumb Reggie, but I had no idea you were actually retarded

(She grabs him by his ear)

FIRST: How are you going to pinpoint Prince? Is he gonna go around telling you precisely where he is?

(The phone rings. Priest wriggles free to answer it)

PRIEST: Yeah? (whispers to her) It's Prince! Isambard - how are you? And where are you?
PRINCE: I just called to tell you I'm in Miami, for a couple of days, to meet with some Cuban hit men

(He's not in Miami at all - he's in his office)

PRIEST: Er, good good, fine fine (whispers) He's gone to Miami! So, where in Miami are you, exactly?
PRINCE: My meeting's taking place in a small yacht, about two miles off South Beach - why?
PRIEST: Er, Isambard, I've got to go. Call me back

(Priest hangs up. Prince looks at the phone)

PRIEST: Find a map
FIRST: This is crazy
PRIEST: No it's not!

(The First Lady gets a kiddie atlas from the top drawer of the desk. Priest flicks through the pages)

FIRST: It'll never work
PRIEST: America, America - there. There it is. Miami. It's right there on that land that sticks out
FIRST: That land that sticks out is called Florida (she looks at him) You don't know that, war hero?
PRIEST: Oo - well, thirty years in the jungle causes you to forget - things

(The Lexx is in orbit around the moon. Kai, Xev and Stan walk onto the bridge. 790 is already there, on his trolley)

KAI: 790
790: Kai-o-licious!

(He has little Kais in his eyes. A phone rings)

STAN: Lexx, what was that?
LEXX: A communication signal, Stanley
STAN: Well (he gets up on pedestal) - connect us!
LEXX: As you command, Stan

(In the White House, Priest is on a mobile phone with a small satellite dish)

PRIEST: Stanley? Captain Tweedle, is that you?
STAN: Yes, yeah, it's me
PRIEST: Prince is on a boat off Miami. He promised to call back soon with his exact precise location, are you listening?
STAN: Yeah, yeah, I'm listening

(A phone rings on his desk. He holds it to his other ear)

PRIEST: Prince?

(He's still in his office, holding a small potted plant)

PRIEST: Are you still there, where you are? On a boat?
PRINCE: Yes, I'm still here
PRIEST: Oh, sorry about that, I was on the other line
PRINCE: I'm off the coast of Florida - that's the bit that sticks out at the bottom right hand corner of the United States
PRIEST: Off Miami, right?
PRINCE: Yes, I'm in a small boat off South Beach
PRIEST: Could - could you say exactly how far off?
PRIEST: Well, er, I, I just like to know exactly where my trusty old number two man - I mean, number one man, is (laughs)
PRINCE: I see. Well, just, just give me a moment here please

(He keeps Priest waiting)

PRINCE: My exact position is 25 degrees 45 minutes north, by 80 degrees 16 minutes west. Did you get that?

(Priest and the First Lady search frantically for pen and paper)

PRIEST: Oh, I am sorry - could you repeat that?
PRINCE: 25 degrees 45 minutes north, by 80 degrees 16 minutes west
PRIEST: Thank you, Isambard
PRINCE: (laughs) It's my pleasure
PRIEST: Now, what was it that you were calling about?
PRINCE: Oh, it's the Cubans, sir
PRIEST: The Cubans, hmm, I see
PRINCE: Yes, the Miami Cubans. I'm arranging for them to take care of a little problem for me
PRIEST: Mm, I see, good good, fine fine

(Prince's office is actually underneath the White House, beneath where the skeletons are buried)

PRINCE: It's the type of problem they're quite experienced with, so I won't bore you with the details just yet
PRIEST: Yes, you handle it. You are my number one. Well, bye bye Isambard
PRINCE: Bye bye

(Priest hangs up, speaks to Stan)

PRIEST: Did you get all that?
STAN: Yeah yeah yeah yeah, I got it

(Priest hangs up the other phone. He stands and looks at the First Lady)

PRIEST: And what do you think?
FIRST: I think you should have rotted in the jungles of Vietnam, and I should have married Dr Schnapsklapper

(The Lexx moves to point directly at the Earth)

STAN: OK Lexx - I want you to fire a tiny beam, at a teeny weeny tiny target
LEXX: I will always do as you command, captain
STAN: Good. OK Lexx - I want you to fire your weapon -
XEV: Stan! What are you doing?
STAN: Now Xev, look, I know that you think that sometimes I make really stupid decisions, and I admit, once or twice in the past, maybe I coulda done things a bit better, but trust me on this one. What I am doing is for the greater good of everybody
XEV: Do you mind if I ask how? And what exactly you have in mind then?
STAN: I'm gonna get the Lexx to fire a tiny thin beam at a precise spot on that planet, and then (clicks his fingers) no more Prince
XEV: Do you think the Lexx can do that?
STAN: Xev, look, we did some target practice a little while ago, and the Lexx fired a tiny beam at a little object that was - really really far away, so this should be easy. Right, Lexx?
LEXX: I will do as you command, Stan
XEV: I don't know, Stan
STAN: Oh, come on Xev! The Lexx and I are really good together
XEV: Oh, sure you are! What if it doesn't work? Then you'll end up killing thousands and thousands of innocent people
STAN: Look Xev - the only chance that entire planet has is with Prince out of the way, now you know that's true
KAI: Are you sure it is possible to kill Prince in the conventional sense?
XEV: You mean, after he's dead, he might be able to come back, like he did on Fire?
KAI: Yes
STAN: Yeah, but we don't know for sure! We shouldn't miss this chance. Besides, I'm the captain of this ship, and I hereby declare by my - supreme executive authority, that we are gonna blow up Prince, the ultimate embodiment of evil, who we know - right now - is on a little boat off the coast of Miami, Florida - therefore making this planet a much better place for me, for you, for everybody! Now Lexx - you see that bit that sticks out there?
LEXX: Yes, Stan
STAN: Are you aimed at it?
LEXX: Yes, Stan
STAN: Good. OK Lexx - I want you to fire a tiny thin beam, at -(he can't remember the co-ordinates) 28 degrees by 45 minutes north, by 81 degrees point 15 minutes west

(Xev shakes her head)

LEXX: As you command, Stan

(The Lexx powers up, and fires a bolt)

(In his office, Prince nibbles on the plant - he doesn't like it. He switches on a small television)

(In the White House, Priest and the First Lady stick their fingers in their ears)

(On the bridge, Stan, Kai and Xev watch the view screen)

(In the car, the family are nearly at Orlando)

MOM: Is that it? Oh, don't you just love it?! It's beautiful!
JUNIOR: Alligator pit! Alligator pit!

(Mom looks at Dad, who just sits there)

MOM: You're no fun at all, do you know that?

(Dad is watching the blast from the Lexx racing ahead of them. It hits Orlando)

(Stan puts his head in his hands)

STAN: Oh, man -

(An alligator's head lands on the hood of the car. Mom is screaming, Junior is crying - Dad is laughing. He carries on driving, a plume of smoke in front of them, flaming debris falling through the sky behind them)

(In the White House, the phone rings)

PRIEST: Prince?

(Prince is making gurgling noises on the other end. Priest hangs up. He and the First Lady smile. The TV is on)

ANCHOR: We interrupt this programme for a special news bulletin. Moments ago, a massive explosion seems to have completely obliterated the city of Orlando, Florida

(Priest and the First Lady sink down onto a couch)

ANCHOR: Again, the city of Orlando, Florida has suffered a massive explosion
PRIEST: Orlando?
FIRST: Idiot

(The Lexx view screen shows a crater where Orlando was)

XEV: Good shot
STAN: Lexx, you hit the wrong place!
LEXX: I am sorry Stanley - I tried my best
STAN: How could you miss!
LEXX: I like to blow up whole planets. That is what I was designed for. I will try again if you like
790: Congratulations, mass murderer
STAN: Oh, as if that matters to you! That's it. I'm outta here. I've had it with this whole stupid planet, I've had it with Prince, and I've had it with everything. I say we just get outta here right now, and take our chances someplace else. Lexx - get us outta here now!
LEXX: I am very weak Stanley. Unless I eat a lot more I will not be able to go very far very quickly
STAN: Look Lexx, we'll find you something else to eat along the way, OK? Let's just, just, you know, just go!
LEXX: As you request, captain - but I will only be able to go very very slowly
STAN: Well, as long as you're moving

(The Lexx starts to move away from the Earth)

XEV: Stan - I don't wanna go just yet
STAN: Well Xev, if you don't wanna go just yet, you get in a moth and you go down to that planet, but don't expect me to wait for you, because I'm leaving, right now!
XEV: All because Prince is still down there, right?
STAN: That alone would be good enough reason for me!
790: I think you should both go down there and stay
STAN: Oh, shut up, metal mouth!
790: I'm sure the two of you would be perfectly happy there
XEV: Stan, turn the Lexx around
STAN: I'm sorry Xev

(He sits down on the pedestal)

STAN: We'll find you a nice place later on, OK? With no Prince on it. I promise

(Back in the White House, the First Lady is hitting Priest with a broom)

FIRST: You low-grade idiot!
FIRST: Prince is still alive! Not only that, you just blew up Orlando!
PRIEST: I tried my best, sweetie
FIRST: Don't you call me sweetie, you little war hero!

(She leans on the desk, scared)

FIRST: What are we gonna do, Reggie?
PRIEST: I don't know

(He tries to stroke her face, but she stamps on his foot)

FIRST: What are they gonna do to us when they find out? They're gonna take all this away - from me. You'll go to the electric chair, and I won't be First Lady any more. And what'll Prince do to us when he finds out?
PRINCE: Finds out - what?

(Priest and the First Lady look up, all smiles. Prince has just walked into the office)

PRINCE: Finds out - what?
PRIEST: Oo - nothing
FIRST: We thought you were in Miami
PRINCE: Yes. Well I'm not

(He smiles, walks up to the desk)

PRINCE: Mr President - it appears that we've had a spot of bother, in Orlando
PRIEST: Yes, it's terrible, isn't it
FIRST: It's awful
PRINCE: All those cute little plastic animals melted and charred beyond recognition, well -

(He laughs, and sits down in the President's chair)

PRINCE: Do we have any idea what happened yet?
PRIEST: Oo, no. Maybe it just, um - exploded by itself? You know, one minute it's there, the next minute - pfft! (laughs)
PRINCE: Well that's an interesting theory, Mr President, but I doubt that the people will accept such an explanation. When something as terrible as this happens, someone must be seen to pay for it, otherwise the public will not be satisfied. And as you know - this is exactly the sort of incident that gets a presidency into trouble
FIRST: You're absolutely right, Isambard. Our very presidency is at stake - and it's far too big a matter for our moronic president to take care of. I have a plan, to turn this thing around

(She strokes Prince's hair)

(Meanwhile, back on the Lexx - )

XEV: Leaving this planet without any idea where we are going is not a very bright decision
STAN: Too bad, I'm captain and you're not
KAI: You may not be able to reach a life bearing planet unless the Lexx eats, Stanley
STAN: Well, what do you care, you're dead
KAI: You and Xev however are alive. It could take the Lexx many thousands of years to reach a suitable planet in its weakened condition. You will of course choose to enter cryosleep, but the cryopods may not continue to function properly for that length of time
STAN: OK then, I'll let the Lexx eat (stands up) Lexx - is there something down there, small enough you can eat that's enough to keep you going at full speed?
LEXX: Yes, Stanley - I will be able to go full speed if I ate just that small little part of the blue planet

(A view of Holland appears on the screen)

LEXX: It has lots of green goodness and yummy protein, and not too many hard rocks
790: That land mass the Lexx is referring to is a country called Holland
STAN: Fine. Lexx - I order you to eat -
XEV: Wait a second - if that's a country, then doesn't it possibly have lots of people?
790: Holland appears to be densely populated - which means it would supply Lexx with plenty of protein
XEV: Stan, you can't order the Lexx to just eat a country - that's mass murder

(Stan leans down to her)

STAN: Well, maybe technically speaking it's mass murder, but -

(Xev grabs hold of his uniform)

XEV: It's wrong Stanley, and you know it

(She walks away from him)

STAN: It's a Type 13 planet, Xev, it's doomed anyway! Lexx, I order you to eat Holland!
LEXX: As you request, Stan - and thank you. Holland looks very tasty

(The Lexx turns back to Earth)

XEV: Kai - if I asked you to, would you kill Stanley?
STAN: Hey!
XEV: If you kill Stan, the key will come back to me, right?
STAN: Hey hey hey hey!
KAI: Yes. If I kill Stan the key will flow to you and you will become captain of the Lexx

(Stan gets down from the pedestal, looks at Kai)

STAN: Oh come on, but you wouldn't really do that would you, Kai old buddy old pal, you wouldn't kill me, I mean, you're a former assassin, right?
KAI: Although I have no feeling for the people of Holland, I am aware that morally speaking it is not right to sacrifice a whole nation for one man's individual gain. Therefore, if Xev were to ask me to - I would

(Stan backs away)

STAN: OK Kai, I order you - not to kill me. So if Xev asks you to kill me, the two orders cancel each other out, right?
KAI: Yes - but your choice to destroy Holland tips the scales. So, if Xev asks me to - I will kill you, Stanley
XEV: Turn the Lexx around, Stan
XEV: Yes
790: Kill them both Kai! That's my vote
XEV: Oh, shut up!
STAN: Come on now guys, this isn't funny anymore, OK? Look, we can't stay here, and we can't go unless the Lexx eats. What choice do we have?

(Kai readies his brace)

KAI: Xev?
STAN: Lexx - seal the bridge!
LEXX: As you command, Stan

(Stan runs into the passageway, and a membrane forms across it behind him)

XEV: I didn't know the Lexx could do that

(On the other side, Stan claps his hands, laughs)

STAN: Oh Lexx my friend, you are so full of surprises! OK guys - I'm not gonna let you out until you promise not to kill me, OK? Guys? Look, I'm doing this for your own good
KAI: Do you wish me to kill Stanley?

(Xev touches the membrane)

XEV: What about this?
KAI: Such barriers are not meaningful to a Divine Assassin
STAN: OK guys - do I win, or what?

(Xev stands aside, and Kai fires through the membrane, grabbing Stan's throat)

STAN: Lexx - I command you not to eat Holland!
LEXX: But I'm very hungry, Stan
STAN: Sorry Lexx - turn around and get out of this solar system as fast as you can
LEXX: Oh - all right

(Kai retracts his brace. The Lexx turns away from Earth)

(The White House. Prince, Priest and the First Lady have been joined by two men and two women)

PRINCE: We invited you, our country's senior journalists, to come to the Oval Office today so that the President could brief you privately on the tragedy at Orlando. Mr President -

(Prince motions for him to rise)

PRIEST: Thank you, Isambard. Ladies and gentlemen - we have got a bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad situation here, but we found a way to save the presidency, yes - it's a good day
FIRST: What the President is saying, ladies and gentlemen, is that we have learned who is responsible for Orlando. We have the proof

(She hands Priest a video tape)

PRIEST: Right here
FIRST: Why don't you play it for them Reggie?

(He puts it into the machine)

FIRST: This tape was found by ATF agents in another political party's head office, one hour before Orlando was wiped out

(The tape plays. It shows Priest, dressed up like Castro)

PRIEST: This is General Juan Pinata -
JOURN1: That's - that's a Cuban general!
FIRST: It's outrageous
PRIEST: It is the destiny of Cuba to rid the world of the Yankee capitalistos, who always blame Cuba for everything. And so, in one hour we will use one of our Russian warheads from 1961 to blow up the city of Orlando - Florida, America - in one hour. We may blow up other cities after this one, we may not, you never know. Because you are all stupid Yankee pig-dogs. I spit on you!

(He spits, then stands up. The camera follows him, getting a view through the window which looks a lot like Washington)

PRIEST: Death to America! Death to stupid Yankee pig-dogs in Orlando!

(He spits again, then walks off camera)

PRIEST: It was Cuba after all

(But one of the lady journalists isn't convinced)

JOURN2: Wasn't that the Washington Monument in the background?
PRINCE: I think that was the Che Guevara Monument in Havana
JOURN1: How will you respond to this, Mr President?

(The First Lady stamps on Priest's foot)

PRIEST: Just throw me the damn football

(Prince gets a football from a nearby bookshelf. It splits in half, to show buttons on the right, a palm screen on the left)

PRIEST: We'll show them who's boss
PRINCE: To authorise the launch codes, simply place your hand here, Mr President
PRIEST: I hereby authorise launch codes for Operation Cigarillo

(He places his palm on the screen, hits some buttons)

PRIEST: Adios, Cuba

(Prince takes the football from him)

JOURN1: America will respect you, Mr President. You've done the right thing. No foreign greaseball's gonna push us around. It's strong leadership at the right time, from a real war hero

(He salutes, as does Priest)

JOURN2: I swear that was the Washington Monument
PRINCE: Have you seen my butterfly room?

(The journalist shakes her head. Prince takes her arm)

PRINCE: You'll love it. I'm very good - with butterflies

(The other journalists applaud Priest. Prince leads the woman away, tosses the football, and smiles)

(Later, Prince watches TV in his office. What's happened to the journalist? Nothing nice, I'm sure)

ANCHOR: Here are some of the stories we're following for tonight's edition of News Plus. The Dow Jones is up 456 points. Fire fighters have been called in to retrieve a cat stuck in a power line along I95. Film at 11 - and Cuba was nuked off the face of the Earth late this afternoon by President Priest, in retaliation for yesterday's evil attack on Orlando. There has been no reaction so far from Havana. All this, and your late local forecast, coming up on News Plus

(The phone rings. Prince answers it)

VOICE: Sir, this is NASA. We thought we should inform you that our readings indicate that the Lexx at this moment has started moving away from the Earth

(Prince hangs up, and sighs)

(The Lexx heads away from Earth. Prince's face appears on the view screen. He clears his throat to get everyone's attention)

STAN: Prince!

(He gets up on the pedestal. Xev stays where she is, lying on the floor)

PRINCE: Hello, Stanley. It's nice to see you. And Kai - and Xev, you as well of course. So, we're leaving Earth, are we?
STAN: We are
PRINCE: That's a shame
STAN: Well, yes and no
PRINCE: How so?
STAN: All I can say is that I'm happy to be flying away from you
PRINCE: Ah but Stanley, this planet is just so much fun
STAN: Well, some of us don't find it fun to be - pinned to a wall and almost killed!
PRINCE: Well that was just a little misunderstanding! Do you mind telling me exactly where you're going?
XEV: The plan is we're going to drift in space, until we find a nice planet
PRINCE: That's a good plan. You must have worked on that for a long time
STAN: Well, we wouldn't have to drift if the Lexx came down there and ate Washington DC, and you with it
PRINCE: Well why don't you?
STAN: Well we just might
PRINCE: I think you should stay, Stanley. How would you like to be Vice President?
STAN: Yeah, right, what's that?
PRINCE: A very important position, with all the perks and privileges you could ever want
STAN: No deal
PRINCE: Xev - you could be Queen of England

(Xev sits up and listens)

STAN: She's not interested!
PRINCE: The Queen of England owns her own beautiful island full of gardens and antiques. The position is currently filled, but all it would take to free it up would be a couple of phone calls (smiles)
STAN: She is not interested in gardens or antiques!
PRINCE: Then what do you care about, Stanley?
XEV: Why do you want us to stay, Prince?
PRINCE: Because I do
STAN: The fact is Prince, as long as you are on that planet, we don't want anything to do with it
PRINCE: Oh, that stings
XEV: I have an idea - Kai, would you kill Prince if we both asked you to?
KAI: Yes
STAN: Yeah Kai, you could go down to Earth and do your assassin thing on somebody who really deserves it
XEV: Yes, Kai, go down to Earth and kill Prince (smiles)
PRINCE: Ah. There's one small tiny little flaw in your thinking
XEV: Which is -?
PRINCE: You forget, I'm the head of the most powerful institution on this planet - The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms of the United States of America, and as such, I have an immense capacity to protect myself. I can hide away so that you would never, ever find me
XEV: Is that a problem?
KAI: No. As a Divine Assassin I performed many difficult assassinations. For instance, Ring Torbin, the rebel leader on Phoebe 27. Ring Torbin buried himself deep inside the molten core of the planet. He was protected by fifty thousand men with robot controlled ion weapons
STAN: And - ?
KAI: I had to kill 2,807 of his men before I killed him
STAN: Ha ha!
KAI: I can eliminate Prince with complete certainty in a short time
PRINCE: And if you kill me, what then? You know I can be reborn, whenever and however I want
KAI: That was true on the planet Fire - but is it true on Earth?

(He doesn't look too sure about this)

PRINCE: I think so
XEV: It can't be true on Earth. Look - he's scared! You're scared, aren't you Prince?
STAN: Yeah, Xev is right
PRINCE: You know that when you destroyed the planet Fire all of its evil including me came here, so it makes no difference. This planet will be just as bad whether I live or die. I'm just a drop in an ocean of badness - or, rather, more of a bucketful
STAN: Oh, no no no no no no, you're wrong. You're just trying to talk us out of killing you
PRINCE: On the contrary, I'm right
XEV: Kai, do you think he's right?
KAI: Yes

(Kai turns away)

PRINCE: So - good luck on your journey. You'll need it. Cheerie bye

(He disappears from the screen)

XEV: Bye bye, little blue planet

(The White House. Priest is at his desk. He reaches for something from a box, but Prince slams the lid down, and glares at him)

PRIEST: You don't look happy, my prince
PRINCE: I'm not. Why did you blow up Orlando?
PRIEST: Er - what do you mean?
PRINCE: I know that you got Stanley Tweedle to blow up Orlando. My only question is, precisely why?

(Prince sits on Priest's desk, looking at him)

PRIEST: Just to cause trouble, my prince, you know, screw things up, create chaos, just like you always want
PRINCE: Really?
PRIEST: Mm hmm

(Prince leans over, whispers in his ear)

PRINCE: I think you wanted to get rid of me -
PRIEST: Oo no, no -
PRINCE: - and you thought I was in Miami, didn't you?
PRIEST: Well, yes, but -
PRINCE: - and you got Stanley Tweedle to fire one of the Lexx's shots at me, only it missed and took out Orlando. Am I getting warm?
PRIEST: I don't know what to say

(Prince leans back)

PRINCE: You say "You're right, my prince"
PRIEST: You're right, my prince - but, but it was the First Lady's idea! All hers (sobs) Only hers!

(Priest gets down on his knees)

PRIEST: Forgive me, my prince
PRINCE: I'm not very good at forgiveness

(He pulls Priest up by his ear)

PRINCE: Especially as your little prank has stranded me on this planet. Because of you, I'm stuck here, do you understand?

(He lets go of Priest's ear, puts his arm around his shoulder)

PRINCE: You have to be punished
PRIEST: Yes of course my prince, I deserve it. What is my punishment?
PRINCE: Have you ever been to Dallas? (smiles)
PRIEST: What's Dallas?

(The next day, Dallas. A chauffeur is driving Prince, Priest and the First Lady along Elm Street. The First Lady is wearing a pink and black outfit, eating a bag of crisps. Prince is on the phone)

PRINCE: I'm aware that this is not the usual protocol, but I am issuing a specific order for the Secret Service, the CIA, the FBI and the Dallas police to stand down. Thank you

(He puts the phone in his pocket, turns to talk to Priest behind him)

PRINCE: So, Mr President - welcome to Dallas
FIRST: What a dump
PRINCE: True - but Dallas plays an important part in American history
PRIEST: Is that right?
PRINCE: Hmm. Have you ever heard of JFK?
PRIEST: No, er, maybe
PRINCE: 22nd of November 1963?
PRIEST: Should I have?

(They drive past two ATF agents on a grassy knoll)

PRINCE: Well, once upon a time, there was this president called JFK. And this president had a very bad habit of not following orders -
PRIEST: Oo - that's not good
PRINCE: No. Consequently he had to be punished - just about here, as a matter of fact

(The car stops. Prince puts on a bullet proof vest. The First Lady looks around)

FIRST: Oh. Oh!
FIRST: Oh no

(She throws her crisps away, and starts pulling at Priest)

FIRST: Quick - change seats!
FIRST: Don't argue with me, just do it!

(They change places. Prince looks back at Priest again)

PRINCE: And I've brought you here because I thought this would be a perfect spot to ask a question
PRIEST: What question?
PRINCE: Do you think you can follow orders?
PRIEST: Yes yes, of course my prince - I will do anything you say
PRINCE: I wish I could believe you (smiles)
FIRST: Look, Reggie just agreed with you, what more do you want? Now let's get going!
PRINCE: I really want to trust you Mr President, I really do
FIRST: You can trust him, you can trust him!
PRINCE: I'm speaking to the President. The lesson to be learnt here is that even kings can be killed. It's been that way for thousands of years. Regicide happens all the time - especially to the stupid ones, who don't know how to follow orders

(Prince mimes firing a gun, as ATF agents pop up from behind a hedge. Prince puts on a helmet and ducks for cover as the firing starts, from all directions. Priest hides behind the First Lady, who is hit several times. The firing stops. Prince emerges, takes off his helmet)

FIRST: War hero, my ass

(She slumps over onto Priest's lap)

PRIEST: I think she's dead
PRINCE: So sad
PRIEST: I'll get over it

(He smiles, pushes her body away)

PRINCE: A lesson well learned, wouldn't you say?

(The car drives on)

PRINCE: We'll have to get you a new First Lady - time to trade up
PRIEST: Yes! Excellent idea, my prince. I'll trade up
PRINCE: And you'll always remember who's in charge?

(He starts kissing Prince's hand)

PRIEST: Yes of course, my prince. You are my prince
PRINCE: Yes, yes, thank you

(He pulls his hand away)

(Later. A vet is pouring himself a drink at the end of the day, when there's a knock at the door)

VET: Come in

(In comes the little old lady from the start of the episode. Her cat waves its legs jerkily)

OLD: There's something wrong with my pussy, doctor
VET: What seems to be the problem?
OLD: Well, I don't know. He's gone off his food, he doesn't purr anymore - and he walks all stiffly. And sometimes he just flies round and round the room
VET: I beg your pardon?
OLD: He's not my little precious pussy Buttons anymore! (cries)
VET: Well, let's take a little look, shall we?

(He puts Buttons on a table, gets out his stethoscope, has a feel)

VET: So - how's Buttons today, huh?
OLD: You gotta do something doctor
VET: Oh yes, there seems to be something a little off here
OLD: What? What?
VET: There seems to be something inside Buttons
OLD: Oh no!

(Suddenly, the cat splits open, and a carrot probe leaps out at them)

© Filking Fairy

© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana

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