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Lexx 4.01 Little Blue Planet
(written by Paul Donovan)

(Newfoundland, 1901. A kite in the sky is trailing a wire down to some radio equipment. Marconi makes adjustments while two Newfies watch)

MARCONI: Is-a too low, idiota. Too low. Bring up-a!
NEWFIE: Fine weather we're having Mr Macaroni, wha?
MARCONI: Marconi! Macaroni is a pasta
NEWFIE: Yeah, whatever you say, Madoci
MARCONI: Macaroni!

(The Newfies laugh. Marconi is not amused)

MARCONI: Batteria!
MARCONI: Connect the battery-a

(The connection is made. Marconi starts tapping out a signal, listens)

MARCONI: Santa Lucia! Today, we make history-a! Mamma mia!

(The radio signal leaves Earth, passes the moon, Mars, all the planets in turn. It travels beyond our galaxy. A huge asteroid hears it, fires up its engines and heads for Earth)

(Washington DC, in the very near future. Police cars escort President Davison to a secret ATF bunker. The President has a retina scan before taking an elevator a long way down into the depths of the bunker. Men sit around a table in a huge room, and a familiar white haired man begins to speak)

PRINCE: Mr President, last Tuesday ATF agents working at SETI, the civilian organisation that searches for extra terrestrial intelligence, reported that a twelve year old boy from Sulphur, Louisiana -

(Prince clicks his fingers, and a spotlight illuminates a point high up on the wall. The boy, Digby, is held there by restraints. His cries for help are muffled)

PRINCE: - ostensibly as part of a school science project, called SETI headquarters to report that he had spotted a large, self-propelled unidentified object in the vicinity of the Earth's moon. Do not be misled by feelings of sympathy for this boy, Mr President, he's likely part of the greatest threat the human race has ever faced

(Prince clicks his fingers once more, and the spotlight is turned off)

PRINCE: The discovery of extra terrestrial life in the Earth's vicinity automatically triggered the Hague-Schlieffen plan, and the ATF went into immediate action. We eliminated all personages employed at SETI, along with their relatives and acquaintances, and we destroyed their headquarters building. The FBI effectively credited this action to religious fanatics, and our news organisations, with the exception of a few insignificant journalists, effectively bought the deception. As per the plan, any potentially suspicious journalists were eliminated by the CIA. I think we should congratulate the FBI, the CIA, and the boys at the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms on a job well done

(Everyone applauds. President Davison rattles a bottle of pills)

DAVIS: Remind me, what is the Hague-Schlieffen plan?
PRINCE: The secret legislation authorised by Senators Hague and Schlieffen which you signed into law last year - they agreed to forget that little unpleasantness with the French ambassador's daughter

(President Davison coughs)

PRINCE: Mr President, a communication has been arranged between you and the aliens. It's due to start at 0900. That's in exactly 37 seconds
DAVIS: But I'm not prepared for that, you know I never speak without -
PRINCE: Don't worry, Mr President. All possible answers have been carefully authored by our best scientists and philosophers

(Prince hands him some small cards - on the back of which is a picture of a Grey alien head)

PRINCE: Just follow the reply cards. Do not say anything that is not on the cards. The fate of the Earth is in your hands. Do not be misled by outward appearances, Mr President

(Stan's face appears on a large screen hanging above the table)

PRINCE: These aliens are more advanced than we are, and can likely display themselves in ways calculated to make us lower our guard. Stick to the cards

(Close up of Stan, on the control pedestal. He can only see the President, not Prince)

STAN: OK, so - you're there, we're here. What's the deal?
DAVIS: (reading) We are a benign species, opposed to interplanetary conflict, and believe in equal opportunity for all beings, regardless of age, race, gender, sexual orientation or planet of origin
STAN: That's nice. Look, let me start over, OK? I want you to tell me what the people on your planet are gonna do to make Stanley H Tweedle a happier man

(The President flicks through the cards, whispers to Prince)

DAVIS: Is this right?
PRINCE: Stick to the cards, Mr President. All possibilities have been anticipated. Do not deviate from the cards
DAVIS: (smiles, fakely) Congratulations on your birthday
STAN: How'd you know it's my birthday?
DAVIS: We look forward to sharing the many benefits of our combined knowledge
STAN: Er, look - I don't know when my birthday is, and I don't think you do either, OK? Whatever. Let's get down to some real business here. Now, I wanna know about your planet. Why would a guy like me wanna go down there?
DAVIS: Tell us about your species - are you friendly?
STAN: Yeah, very, under the right circumstances, if you know what I mean. You see, I'm just a man, like any other man, a regular guy, with -

(The President is getting flustered)

PRINCE: Stick to the cards, Mr President
STAN: - hopes and dreams, and an interest in the finer things that life has to offer, especially warm, cuddly, smoochy things - you know what I mean
DAVIS: Our planet is decaying in its own filth, and is best avoided by all aliens
STAN: (laughs) Look pal, I don't know what you're going on about, OK, except it doesn't make any sense at all. Look - what I want is a place with nice beaches and good food and open minded interesting attractive women and not a whole lot else. So, start helping me out here, OK? Make this work for me

(The President looks at Prince, who just holds up his hands)

STAN: OK, so buddy, you're president of something or other, whoever you are, I think you should know I am Stanley H Tweedle, and I'm captain of the most powerful destructive force in the two universes, and I've blown up plenty of planets, and if I don't start getting a little co-operation from you, I'm going to use your little blue planet for target practice!
DAVIS: We have the capacity, and the will, to defend ourselves aggressively against any and all unfriendly alien intrusion
STAN: Oh yeah? Well, OK, if that's the way you want it, fine by me! I've had quite enough attitude from you. This conversation is over!

(The screen goes blank)

PRINCE: The Earth is clearly threatened, Mr President. It's time to put the full Hague-Schlieffen into effect

(Prince gives the president a document to sign, hands him a pen)

DAVIS: I prefer to use my lucky pen, if you don't mind, Isambard

(But his lucky pen won't work)

PRINCE: Here - try my lucky pen

(The President takes Prince's pen, and signs the document)

(The Lexx is near the Earth's moon. Stan is pacing the bridge, clearly not in a good mood)

STAN: I mean it. There are good planets, and there are bad planets, and that is definitely not a good one, and I think the whole universe would just be far better off without it. Lexx -

(Stan gets up on the pedestal)

STAN: Blow up that stupid blue planet!

(But nothing happens. Stan puts his hand through the template, but it doesn't activate)

STAN: Just - just - blow it up!

(Stan gets down from the pedestal. Xev gets up there, puts her hand on the template)

XEV: Lexx - could you blow up that planet if I asked you to?
LEXX: Yes I could, captain

(Stan mutters darkly)

LEXX: I can blow up any planet you want. That is what I do
XEV: Thank you Lexx. But we will not blow it up - yet
STAN: It's just - How come you still have the key to the Lexx, huh? I'm the captain, and I think I should have the key back right now!

(Xev just waves her fingers at him - the key flickers)

STAN: Kai. Kai. Don't you agree with me? I am the captain, and I should have the key back

(Kai says nothing. Xev gets down from the pedestal, puts her arms around Stan's shoulders)

XEV: Well, as we all know, you can only get the key from me if I'm in the extreme of sexual ecstasy -

(Stan shrugs Xev off)

XEV: - or on the very edge of death. Neither of which is about to happen right now
790: Kill the bitch, Stan! The security guard can become captain and blow up the planet, and Kai, and I , and Kai, can sail off together on a slut free voyage
KAI: In my memories, I have but limited knowledge of this universe. However, I believe that this planet is at the very centre of the darkest part of the Dark Zone. It may be advisable to leave the vicinity as soon as possible
STAN: OK, well, that's enough for me. Just come on Xev, just blow up the stupid planet and then we can go someplace else and we can find ourselves a nice planet

(Stan sits down on the pedestal)

790: It makes little difference whether or not you destroy this planet. It is a type 13 planet, which typically destroys itself at about this stage of its development
XEV: How?
790: Sometimes through war, often through environmental catastrophe. But more commonly a type 13 planet is unintentionally collapsed into a pea sized object by scientists trying to determine the mass of the Higgs-Bosen particle
KAI: Xev - ask the Lexx how long it will take him to reach the nearest other solar system
XEV: Lexx, how long will it take you to reach the next solar system?
LEXX: I do not know. I was only able to eat a few small rocky bites, after I blew up the desert and water planets, and they were not very tasty. I an still very hungry, so I cannot go very fast
KAI: The Lexx has very little power reserve remaining. It could take hundreds of standard years to reach the next solar system, and even if he shuts down fully, he may not be revivable once we arrive

(Stan puts his hands over his face)

790: It's obvious. The slut and the security guard should go down to the stupid planet and join the other lowlifes, and the robot head and the corpse he lusts after will stay up here on the Lexx forever and ever
KAI: The next solar system may or may not have the digestible organic material that the Lexx needs. This one clearly does

(Back on Earth, a prisoner - Cobra - is marched to an electric chair. Guards strap him in, apply gel to his hands and forehead, put the helmet on him)

GUARD!: Any last words, Cobra?
COBRA: Yes. Could somebody please clean my fingernails, they're filthy!

(One guard hands the other a rag, and he wipes Cobra's nails)

COBRA: The pinky

(The other guard supplies a nail file)

COBRA: Thank you

(Guard1 puts on rubber gloves and grabs hold of the big lever - and the phone rings. Guard2 answers it)

GUARD2: Yes it is. Yes. Yes sir
GUARD1: The governor?
GUARD2: No, the ATF
GUARD2: The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms

(Prince is in a cellar beneath the White House. Cobra is brought in, wearing a straight jacket. He sits in a chair, with bright lights shining in his eyes. President Davison is also there)

DAVIS: Are you sure about him?
PRINCE: Cobra is the most psychotic killer on the planet, and therefore perfect. Mr Cobra - is that how you like to be addressed?
COBRA: Just Cobra
PRINCE: Cobra. Well, you have two choices, Mr Cobra. You can either go straight back to the electric chair and be executed for your many crimes, or you can save the human race by assassinating its most dangerous enemy
COBRA: What's the deal?
PRINCE: The deal is that you will be sent up in the space shuttle to intercept an enemy alien spacecraft. You will then board the craft and kill the crew
COBRA: I don't know how to drive a space shuttle
PRINCE: Think of it as a taxi. NASA pilots will be doing the driving. All that you will have to do is what we all agree you are very good at doing - the killing
COBRA: What's my reward?
PRINCE: Certain death. It's a one way mission. The shuttle will use all its fuel to get to the alien craft. There will be no return journey. The only payment will be your opportunity to do some more maiming, mutilation and murder before entering oblivion yourself. Now there's room on the shuttle for three more men - Black Berets, CIA special ops, Vaticanos - anyone you want
COBRA: I need only two men - Mustafa Alhambra, and Ray Simonovitch
PRINCE: And where might one find these two gentlemen?
DAVIS: Half the CIA is on Alhambra's trail in Afghanistan
COBRA: That's Mohammed Alhambra. Mustafa Alhambra - he's a manicurist, in Boston. Ray Simonovitch - he's my personal trainer
PRINCE: So - do we have a deal?

(A space shuttle takes off. Onboard are two NASA pilots - Truro and Bricklin - and three very bad men)

BRICK: Green lights all the way, Houston. We're on our way to the moon
VOICE: God speed, Mission Light Brigade. We're with you all the way
COBRA: Just across the bay

(Cobra holds out his hand - Mustafa the manicurist goes to work)

BRICK: What do you mean by that?
COBRA: They are safe and sound on Earth. Not up here, on a one way trip
SIMON: You NASA guys might be on a one way trip - not me
MUSTA: Me neither
TRURO: Face it - there's no going home for any of us, and I consider it an honour and a privilege to give my life to save the whole human race

(The bad men find this hilarious, and slowly walk forward, to the pilots)

SIMON: So, tell us - how do you drive this thing?
BRICK: First you have to become a top gun pilot. Then you have to spend eight very challenging years in simulators before your name even gets on the list. But it's not really that hard, once you get used to it
COBRA: Show me
BRICK: You put this lever here in drive, when you want to go forward, and R, when you want to go in reverse
SIMON: And, er, how do you control the speed?
BRICK: With this pedal down at your foot - just like in a car

(The controls are just like a car! The criminals laugh. The shuttle flies on)

(Meanwhile, back on the Lexx)

LEXX: I am so hungry. I could eat a whole continent
STAN: But you're only going to eat a small green salad
XEV: You heard him, Lexx. Just enough to keep you going. Just a small green - what?
STAN: Salad
XEV: Salad
LEXX: A small green salad is not enough for me to fly away at full speed

(On the shuttle, mission control is trying to make contact)

VOICE: Mission Light Brigade? Mission Light Brigade?

(Simonovitch's face appears)

SIMON: Yes, Houston?
VOICE: Can we speak to Commander Bricklin or Dr Truro?
SIMON: Er - they're having a little oxygen problem Houston, and are tied up in the back
VOICE: Can we see them?
SIMON: Big negative on that, Houston
VOICE: I'm sorry, but we insist. We must see officers Truro and Bricklin
SIMON: OK - but only if you really really insist
VOICE: We really, really insist
SIMON: OK. You asked for it

(Simonovitch pulls the camera out, walks with it to the back of the shuttle, where the NASA officers are tied up, dead)

SIMON: Smile Truro, and you, Bricklin
COBRA: Cheese!
MUSTA: Look!

(The shuttle is approaching the Lexx, head on. They strap in and start working the controls)

COBRA: It's working
SIMON: It's coming at us real fast, Cobra. We'd better slow down
COBRA: No brakes, this thing has no brakes!
SIMON: It must have been an option

(The Lexx looks at the shuttle)

LEXX: Mmm. Mmm. Mmmm. First a tasty snack, then a salad. I am excited today

SIMON: The other way, the other way!

(Cobra turns the steering wheel)

MUSTA: Go back! Go back, you're going to hit it!
COBRA: The alien space ship, it's turning with us!

(Cobra sounds the horn, as they're swallowed up by the Lexx. Airbags activate, and a bomb rolls toward the front of the shuttle - it has a logo of a Grey alien head, crossed out)

COBRA: Houston. Houston! Can you read me?
MUSTA: What is that?

(He points at the bomb. Cobra opens a cover, and sees two keyholes inside)


(They go back and take the keys from chains around the dead officers' necks)


(Mustafa starts giving a dead body a manicure)

COBRA: Ready?

(Cobra and Simonovitch insert the keys, turn them - and a countdown starts)

MUSTA: I really think you should switch that off

(They turn the keys backwards, forwards - the countdown won't stop)

COBRA: Well, they said it would be a one way trip

(The Lexx dives towards Earth. In the Amazon rain forest, it's dusk. Some tourists are on a canoe)

GUIDE: We have contact
WOMAN: Mother Gaia, we thank you for the gift of this divine moment
GUIDE: It's beginning. We should be able to see them with the naked eye soon

(They are looking at some luminous parrots. One tourist starts talking on his mobile phone)

MOBILE: It's really happening, honey. I'm right here in the middle of the Amazon jungle, watching the last living pair of luminescent Paraguayan toucans doing the glowing thing - just like on the Discovery Channel. A bird that only a few years ago was thought to be just an Indian legend, which I am about to capture on my own camera

(He takes a picture, then there is a sound, which scares the birds away)

MOBILE: What was that?
GUIDE: I don't know
MOBILE: Hey - you guys said this part of the jungle was totally undisturbed - in fact, you guaranteed it
TOURIST: You bring those birds back, or return my twelve thousand bucks
MOBILE: Those birds are back here in ten minutes, or you're gonna hear from my lawyer!

(The Lexx descends on the jungle)

(In the Oval Office, Prince, the President and his staff are watching election coverage on TV)

ANCHOR: As we predicted, the exit polls are confirming that the Republicans and Democratic candidates are neck and neck. But an early curiosity is the equally strong showing for independent candidate, war hero Reginald J Priest
DAVIS: Who is Reginald J Priest?
ANCHOR: Reginald J Priest is the Vietnam war pilot shot down over Laos in 1969, who hid in the jungle for the last three decades, until he turned himself into a Belgian tour bus - turned himself over to a Belgian tour bus, earlier this year
DAVIS: (not happy) I don't understand this at all
REPORT: Typically, we find voters who are frustrated with the traditional parties, often express this frustration by casting their ballots for independents. So it may be that this particular exit sample is telling us that Americans are very frustrated. But I have to admit, it's certainly a first to see so many voters support the same, almost unknown candidate
ANCHOR: No-one, including us, seems to know very much about Reginald J Priest, other than the fact that he was a Vietnam War MIA. But we remind you that this is just an early exit poll, which will likely have little further meaning as the official results start pouring in from across the region
REPORT: You know Bob, I have to admit that in the privacy of the poll booth this morning, I couldn't bring myself to vote for either one. And Reginald Priest did hold out in the jungle for thirty two years, so I put my mark beside his name, and it looks like a lot of other people have had the same bright idea

(Prince gets a call on his mobile phone)

PRINCE: This is Prince. Really?
DAVIS: This could skew the results!
PRINCE: Mr President, it's the National Security Council
DAVIS: Can't they leave me alone, it's the middle of election night!
PRINCE: They say that the alien spacecraft has taken a bite out of the Amazon rain forest, leaving a large lake
DAVIS: Maybe this Priest guy will siphon off votes from Huff more than me. Maybe this is just what I need to go over the top
PRINCE: NASA has lost contact with the space shuttle and think that the crew are dead
DAVIS: (shouts) Who cares about the stupid space shuttle in the middle of election night?!
ANCHOR: Reports are pouring in from all over the eastern time zone and - and - er, ladies and gentlemen, the computer is making a prediction that the President of the United States of America for the next four years will be -

(The anchorman checks his ear piece)

ANCHOR: Repeat that please. What?! Hold on please, we are experiencing technical difficulties

(He shouts at someone off screen)

ANCHOR: You know the computer's been wrong before! (calm again) Democracy never fails to humiliate the arrogant, whether they be experienced political pundits, or politicians who've lost the faith of the American people. the next President of the United States of America is independent candidate, and Vietnam war hero -

(President Davison is crushed - but Prince is grinning)

ANCHOR: - Reginald J Priest. We take you now live to Mr Priest's campaign headquarters in Atlantic City, New Jersey

(At his campaign headquarters, the strangely familiar Priest is surrounded by reporters)

PRIEST: My first official act will be to pardon President Davison for his crimes
REPORT: What crimes are you referring to?
PRIEST: All of them
DAVIS: Well, that's a relief
PRIEST: It's part of my policy of a general amnesty for all criminals whose names begin with the letter P
REPORT: But - Davison starts with a D
PRIEST: Both P and D then

(Priest looks extremely shifty)

DAVIS: The people have let me down
PRINCE: The people are human beings, Mr President - and human beings are a flawed species

(The Lexx. Stan sits on the pedestal, 790 is also on the bridge)

790: Captain?
STAN: What, 790?
790: You don't mind if I still call you captain, even tough Xev has the key?
790: Do you think there's any chance my beloved dead man might prefer to be with a dirty little love slave over a good looking, clever, passionate, well oiled robot head who pines for his stiffness every second of the day?
STAN: I wouldn't rule it out
790: What?!
STAN: Actually, you know, I think Kai does prefer to be with Xev
790: Kill the cow, Stanley! It's the best thing you could ever do for me. And when Xev dies, the key will leave her and flow into your body and you will be captain again
STAN: (gets up) You know, 790, you've got a one track mind
790: Thank you
STAN: Xev will give me the key back, and I will be captain again, I know it
790: You won't. The only way to get it out of her is to either bring her to the extreme edge of sexual ecstasy or to the moment of death

(Cobra and his friends are lurking unseen in the passage leading onto the bridge)

790: You can't bring Xev to the edge of sexual ecstasy because she finds you utterly and completely repulsive, so that means you have to kill her sooner or later, and I would prefer sooner
STAN: You know, 790, I admit sometimes Xev really does make me feel like wanting to kill her, you see, but I'm not a psychotic robot head so the answer is definitely no
790: I'll kill her then
STAN: No you won't
790: Yes I will
STAN: How?
790: I'll find a way. I will!

(Stan walks off the bridge - and the criminals walk on from the other side. Cobra sits on the pedestal)

COBRA: I'll kill her for you
790: You will?
COBRA: You show me how to get the key to drive this ship, and that dirty little love slave will be history
790: You're not attracted to six thousand year old dead men, are you?
COBRA: In what sense?
790: In the romantic and devoted, uncontrollably, madly, passionate robot head in love sense
COBRA: (laughs) No
MUSTA: I could be

(In the cryochamber, Stan activates the cryopod controls. Kai wakes up)

STAN: 790's circuits are fried. Well, he says he wants to kill Xev, because he thinks that you might prefer to be with her instead of him
KAI: The dead do not have preferences
STAN: Well, the mechanical minded definitely do. Look, I'm afraid that if you don't tell him right now that he's not allowed to kill Xev, he just might find a way to do it
KAI: Do you want me to destroy 790?
STAN: Yes! Well - no. Look, he's definitely irritating, babbling all day long about you and your dead body, but he is -
KAI: What?
STAN: I dunno - he's - he's a -
KAI: Useful?
STAN: No, no - um -

(Kai gets out of his cryopod)

KAI: What, then?
STAN: Well, look, much as I don't like him, and I mean that when I say it - er, it's just I don't want to see him thrown onto the scrap heap just yet because - he's part of the family, I guess
KAI: What family?

(Stan looks almost hurt)


(In a passageway, heading for the bridge)

STAN: And Kai, you gotta help me put some sense into Xev. The Lexx ate, so we should move on
KAI: Where?
STAN: To a planet where people aren't so rude
KAI: Lexx has eaten enough to sustain his systems for now, but he must consume far more organic material if he is to be able to travel any distance at full speed
STAN: Oh, so what do you suggest?
KAI: The dead do not make suggestions... normally. But there is clearly more than sufficient organic material on the blue planet to satisfy Lexx's dietary needs

(Inside the Lexx's stomach, the tourists are walking through a chunk of rain forest)

WOMAN: Isn't that the space shuttle?

(Xev's bedchamber. Xev is filing her nails and humming If Only. Cobra comes in)

COBRA: Xev. May I do that for you?
XEV: Who are you?
COBRA: I am a love slave
XEV: I thought all love slaves were women

(Xev thinks about this)

XEV: Where'd you come from?
COBRA: I've been on he Lexx for a long time, since you first left the Cluster
XEV: How come I've never seen you before?
COBRA: The Lexx is a big ship
XEV: It certainly is - big. How'd you survive?
COBRA: I placed myself in a cell, in the moth breeding chamber

(Cobra gets onto the bed beside Xev)

COBRA: Xev - I am a love slave. I have special needs, and special talents
XEV: I definitely have special needs - and very special talents. Four thousand years is a long time
COBRA: Too long
XEV: How do you know my name?
COBRA: A love slave has to be careful to survive. I've been watching you for a long time. I just could not hold on any longer

(Cobra takes her hand)

XEV: Neither can I

(She gets up, and walks away)

(Kai and Stan are on the bridge. 790 is driving around on his trolley)

KAI: 790, promise me you will not do anything to harm Xev
790: Kai, my circuits are sizzling with desire! Let's run away, the two of us. We don't need the Lexx. We don't need oxygen. We can spend the rest of our lives in a vacuum - on that moon!
STAN: Kai is not going to spend the rest of his life anywhere, because Kai is dead

(Stan sits on the pedestal)

790: I know that, and I don't have a body either, but my love is very much alive, so what else do we need?

(790 stops in front of Stan)

790: Stan?
STAN: What now, meat grinder?
790: Let's talk
STAN: Yeah, about what?
790: Things
STAN: What things?
790: You and me. Our friendship. How we both desire other people, but can never find the fulfilment we seek. We have a lot in common
STAN: (laughs) Oh, I have nothing in common with you, pal

(Kai walks over to them)

KAI: What is it, 790?
790: What?
KAI: There is something you are not telling us
790: Oh......

(Kai sits down beside 790)

KAI: What?
790: It hurts to lust for the dead
KAI: That is not it

(Kai picks up 790)

790: Well what is it then?
KAI: You tell us

(Stan gets up, suspicious)

STAN: Is it something about Xev?
KAI: Answer
790: I told them everything they needed to know in order to get the key, and they agreed to kill Xev for me
KAI: Who?
790: I don't know! The evil murderers who came onto the bridge. I don't care as long as they get rid of Xev

(Kai puts 790 down and leaves the bridge with Stan)

(In the galley. Xev strokes a food nozzle, gets some goo on her finger. Cobra licks some of it off, Xev licks the rest)

COBRA: I have a surprise for you, Xev
XEV: What's that?
COBRA: I'm a bad boy
XEV: I don't mind
COBRA: No, but you don't understand - I am a very bad boy
XEV: I'm a very bad girl
COBRA: I do believe that, baby, but what I mean is that all I intended to do was kill you -

(Cobra points a nail file at her)

COBRA: - to get the key to this ship. But now that I've seen what you look like in the flesh, I'm going to break with my tradition and do you first. And once I have my complete personal and uniquely special satisfaction, I'm going to squeeze the breath right out of you
XEV: Why are you telling me this?
COBRA: It makes it more exciting, doesn't it?
COBRA: Well it does for me baby, and that's all that counts
XEV: You see - I am not a baby, and - yes. Go ahead, big boy - and do me

(Xev moves in, and strokes his chest)

COBRA: I dig, dig your claws. They're nice - but not perfect
XEV: What?
COBRA: Your nails

(He holds her hand and looks at them)

XEV: What about them?
COBRA: I'm going to smooth off a few of the rough edges. And when I am satisfied that they are as perfect as they can be - I will kill you

(Xev backs away)

XEV: I don't think you're well
COBRA: No, I definitely am not - but I promise you - you will be a well manicured corpse

(Xev screams her Cluster lizard scream. In a passageway, the other criminals hear, and pull out weapons - from manicure sets on their belts)

COBRA: What was that?
XEV: I'm a little more than just a love slave
COBRA: Oh yeah?

(Xev pushes him against a wall)

XEV: Yeah. I'm also part Cluster lizard
COBRA: A what?
XEV: A hot tempered and very nasty animal

(Xev screams, does a lizardy back flip and returns to normal. She grabs Cobra and bends him back over the table section beneath the nozzles)

XEV: You almost got it right, baby, but it's me who's going to do you. And once I've got my complete and personal satisfaction, then I'm going to snap you in two

(Xev slides down his body)

(In a passageway, Stan and Kai run into Simonovitch and Mustafa)

KAI: I suggest that you stand behind me, Stanley
STAN: Why?
KAI: As an assassin of the Divine Order, I am rather familiar with the sequence of events now likely to occur

(Stan hides behind Kai, who moves forward)

KAI: Where is Xev?
MUSTA: You mean the dirty little love slave?
KAI: Xev is a love slave - and also the only woman onboard this vessel
SIMON: Well, she's about to have a problem with her oxygen supply (laughs)
KAI: I will not permit that
SIMON: Oh, is that right?
KAI: Yes. That is right
SIMON: You're asking for it, paleface - and I'm happy to give it to you

(They fire at Kai, and are confused when he doesn't die. Kai fires his brace through Mustafa, and it comes back through Simonovitch. They both drop to the floor)

KAI: They are dead
STAN: How?

(Kai shows Stan his brace)

KAI: Divine assassins are very efficient killers

(In the galley, Xev is standing - she's just heard the gunshots)

XEV: What was that sound?
COBRA: What sound?
XEV: That banging
COBRA: Nothing
XEV: You're lying

(Cobra takes out a gun. Xev stares at it)

XEV: What's that thing in your hand?
COBRA: It's a gun
XEV: What's a gun?
COBRA: You don't know?
COBRA: A gun is the last thing you're ever going to see. Bye bye

(And everything goes into slow motion. Xev holds up her hand, which is now glowing. Kai and Stan race into the galley. The key leaves Xev's hand as Cobra pulls the trigger. Kai fires his brace, which knocks the bullet away from Xev, and then kills Cobra. The key flies back into Stan, who is stunned and delighted. He looks at his hand. Xev looks at her hand)

XEV: Bye bye, baby

(Xev looks at Cobra. Kai stands beside her)

XEV: I guess I must have been near the edge of death
KAI: The very edge - and the key knew it
XEV: Thank you
KAI: You're welcome
XEV: Too bad though
STAN: Excuse me?
XEV: I was hoping to have a little fun with him first
STAN: I don't understand you, Xev. I don't understand you at all

(Xev pats Stan on the shoulder. He closes his eyes, as he speaks to the Lexx)

STAN: Lexx?
LEXX: Yes, captain?
STAN: (relieved) Who's your captain?
LEXX: Stan, Stan, and only Stan
STAN: - and only Stan! (laughs)

(The tourists are now inside the space shuttle)

MOBILE: Hey - just like my Buick Routemaster
WOMAN: What's that?
TOURIST: It says Department of Energy on it
MOBILE: Don't they make atomic bombs?

(Boom! The explosion is visible across the Lexx's stomach out in space. On the bridge, Stan, Xev and Kai feel it)

STAN: What was that?
XEV: Yeah, what was it?
LEXX: I think I must have eaten something hot
790: That was a 23.4 megaton nuclear explosion, likely caused by a fusion of tritium and hydrogen. Typically the most advanced weapons of type 13 planets prior to their collapse
XEV: So?

(Stan gets up on the pedestal)

STAN: So, I'm gonna blow up that planet. Lexx can eat the chunks. Oh yeah

(Stan rubs his hands, spits on it and puts it on the template. Xev grabs his hand)

STAN: No? What do you mean, no, Xev? It's a type 13 planet, they just tried to blow us up and kill us. And they are completely rude. I've seen just enough of this planet already. Let's just blast it and get outta here!
XEV: Just because some people are bad doesn't mean the whole planet is bad
STAN: OK, Xev, OK. If you really, really insist, I'll agree to leave without blowing it up, but I will not agree to staying here any longer
XEV: Fine. We can leave - after I check it out
STAN: Oh, no, Xev, why?
XEV: Because I'm part Cluster lizard, and Cluster lizards are carnivores and that makes me have a curious nature. And - it might have some potential
STAN: Potential? What potential?
XEV: The potential to satisfy a woman
STAN: Look, what do you have in mind?
XEV: What I have in mind, is get in a moth, go down to little blue planet and see what it's like for myself. If I like what I see, I'll stay. If not, I'll leave with you. Coming?
XEV: OK. Will you at least wait for me - captain?
STAN: I might
XEV: Will you come with me, Kai?
KAI: If you would like
XEV: I would like
790: I'm coming too!
XEV: No you're not

(Xev walks to the moth platform)

790: I am! I have to stand by my man
KAI: You will remain here, with Stanley

(Kai follows Xev)

790: I would rather die a thousand deaths
STAN: One would do
XEV: Bye!
STAN: Yeah

(Xev waves, and the moth takes off. Stan gets down and picks up 790)

STAN: Robot head, I am gonna melt you down
790: How?
STAN: I'll find a way

(The moth heads for Earth - as does the asteroid from earlier in the show. It's surrounded by little probes)

© Filking Fairy

© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana

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