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Lexx 3.08 The Key
(written by Paul Donovan)

(The balloon heads for the atmosphere connecting Fire and Water. Stan pumps, Xev steers, and Kai ties a rope around his waist. As they approach the Lexx, Xev and Stan strap themselves in)

KAI: Hang on

(He fires his brace, and the balloon is pulled along behind the Lexx. Back onboard, the three of them walk along a passageway)

STAN: Yeah, I want you two to know that I hereby officially pull rank
XEV: Why?
STAN: Why? Because we've been orbiting these two stupid planets for far too long, and things have not been going exactly well. Agreed?
XEV: Possibly
STAN: Yeah - and being a true fact that I am the only one here that ever acts sensibly, and seeing that I'm the captain of the Lexx, I hereby officially insist that we leave this system by the quickest means possible
XEV: And why should you be captain anyway?
STAN: I should be captain because I am the captain. I have the key to the Lexx, and that's it. OK?

(They go onto the bridge. Stan gets onto the pedestal, picks up 790, puts him on the armrest)

790: Welcome back - captain
STAN: Yeah, hello
790: Not you! Welcome back Kai, captain of my heart
KAI: Hello
790: I suffered here so long in silence, all alone, by myself, desperately longing for the cold dead flesh I desire. It hurts so bad, Kai. Promise me you'll never go away from me again
790: Did you miss me? Tell me that you missed me at least
KAI: I did not miss you
STAN: Nobody missed ya - not Kai, not Xev, not me, not anybody!
790: I missed you, Kai. Was there someone else? You didn't meet another -
STAN: Oh, what, another tin can like yourself? No, but there was that one, er, really cute girl down there on Boomtown, wasn't it? She made absolutely no secret of her, er - desire to play hide the sausage with the dead man
790: You killed her, of course
STAN: (sad) No. Somebody pushed her out of a balloon though
790: (sarcastic) How sad
XEV: It was sad

(Kai looks at Xev)

STAN: Yeah

(Stan activates the template. Xev looks at her hand, then at the template)

STAN: OK, Lexx - who is your captain?
LEXX: You are my captain, Stanley
STAN: Thank you, Lexx. I just wanted to remind everyone of that. So Lexx, how do we get out of this system, the fastest, the safest way possible?
KAI: For us to move, the Lexx must eat. For Lexx to eat, we must bring it food. To do that, we have to go down to one of the planets
STAN: Oh no no no no no. We are not going down to either one of those planets ever again
KAI: I can go down on my own. I do not require your assistance
STAN: No, you are not gonna go down on your own, I mean, if you go down there something's gonna happen to you, and then Xev is gonna go down and something bad is gonna happen to her, then I'm gonna have to go down and rescue Xev and something really terrible is gonna happen to me, and in order to avoid all those negatives nobody's going anywhere ever again - that's it
KAI: We can use the moths to bring food to the Lexx, but the moth breeders are incapable of flying them without guidance. It will take many trips, and therefore considerable time
790: Which we do not have. Once each orbit the Lexx passes through the thin atmosphere that joins the two planets and is slowed down. Each time it slows down, its orbit decays
790: So, that means it will not be long before the orbit becomes so tight that the Lexx crashes and we are all killed
XEV: How long?
790: 191 hours
STAN: Why didn't you tell us that before?!
790: How could I? I was up here, without Kai, all alone, by myself while my beloved dead man was down on the two planets without me playing hide the sausage. Kai?
KAI: Yes?
790: I forgive you

(Stan does not feel well at the news, and goes to the toilet. For reasons which are never adequately explained, Kai goes with him - but doesn't watch)

STAN: Well, you know, I'm just gonna take a moth, and I'm gonna fly to the nearest planet
KAI: I do not recommend that
STAN: Why?
KAI: The nearest system, which may or may not have life bearing planets, would take more than 17 years to reach in a moth
STAN: Well, still, I mean flying for 17 years is better than crashing in 191 hours
KAI: A moth would be out of fuel in under 30 hours
STAN: Well, what are we gonna do? Ha - I got it!
KAI: What?
STAN: I can't believe I didn't think of this before, how could I be so stupid?
KAI: There are many ways
STAN: Ha ha

(Stan pulls up his shorts)

STAN: The Lexx's weapon still works, right?

(He starts doing up his uniform)

STAN: OK, then we use it to blow up the two planets. Lexx eats the chunks and then we just go on our way again
KAI: Those planets have people on them
STAN: Oh? Really? Well, they're certainly not like any people any of us have ever seen before. I mean, they're not born, there's no children. There's definitely something seriously wrong with these two planets and this universe will be a better one as soon as they're made into Lexx food
KAI: But would it be the right thing to destroy them?
STAN: Well, of course it would, I mean, you've been down there. Fire's a, it's a terrible place, and Water - it's just weird. And you know what else is weird. I'm actually beginning to like pooing on these toilets. Think that's strange, huh?

(Stan walks away. Kai thinks)

KAI: I do not know. The dead do not poo

(The bridge. Xev is up on the pedestal. Stan looks at her and she slowly steps down. Stan gets up and activates the template)

STAN: Lexx, when will you be pointed at one of those two planets again?
XEV: Why?
LEXX: In 14 hours and 12 minutes, I will be pointed directly at the desert planet
STAN: OK, good. Then Lexx, in 14 hours and 12 minutes I want you to use your weapon -

(Xev places her hand over Stan's)

XEV: Do you think it's right to destroy the planet, Stanley?
STAN: No, I don't think it's right, I think it's, er, it's - it's most excellently right
XEV: But you have no idea of the consequences
STAN: Yeah, yeah Xev, I do. You see, an evil planet is gonna be blown into tiny little chunks, and then the Lexx, hopefully, is gonna eat those chunks, and then we'll be able to sail away from a place where I really don't wanna be anymore
XEV: And the Water planet?
STAN: Can stay where it is. OK Lexx - in 14 hours and however many minutes, when you're pointed at the desert planet again, will you please, please, blow it up for me, OK?
LEXX: As you command, Stan
XEV: I'm sure there will be consequences. The two planets are very - close
STAN: Close?

(The cryochamber. Kai is sitting on the floor by a cryopod, topping up his protoblood. Xev is sitting nearby, watching him)

XEV: Kai, do you think it's fair that Stan is our captain?
XEV: And don't you think I should have a turn, or you?
KAI: I am dead. The key cannot live inside me

(Xev lies down on her back)

XEV: How much do you know about the key, about how it works?
KAI: The last Divine Shadow, whom I killed, was meant to possess the key and command the Lexx. As I have his memories I have a general understanding of how it works
XEV: So?
KAI: The key is a living thing. It is inside Stanley. And it can be transferred by him to someone else - at the point of his death (thinks) Or other times

(Xev sits up, interested)

XEV: What other times?
KAI: The Divine Shadow I killed was not concerned with the transfer of the key to the Lexx except to the next Divine Shadow to follow him, who would have received it on his death, by a kiss

(He disconnects the protoblood tube)

KAI: There are other ways to transfer the key, but I do not know what they are

(He stands up)

XEV: So how can we find out?
KAI: 790 has some bio-diagnostic capacity. He may be able to help

(790 is wheeling along a misty passageway on his trolley. He bumps into Xev)

XEV: 790?
790: Look what Kai found for me!

(Xev goes into her bedchamber. 790 follows)

790: Xev - do you think you're attractive?
XEV: I don't know if that's for me to say

(Xev sits on her bed)

790: Oh, you are - for a woman, anyway. But still, you could pick yourself up a bit
XEV: How?
790: First, your hair
XEV: My hair?

(She holds her hair up, looks at it)

XEV: What about it?
790: Lose it. A shaved head would suit you better. And your waistline -
XEV: My waistline?

(She stands up, looks at her waist)

790: You need to beef up a bit. I suggest you start eating more - a lot more. And your wardrobe - you have to start covering up. A big leather sack with two eye holes would work for me

(Xev sits down again)

XEV: 790 -
790: I can't stand it, the way you prance around looking the way you do! You think he's beautiful, don't you?
XEV: 790 -
790: Don't deny it. Say it. Kai is truly beautiful
XEV: 790, I want to -
790: To have and to hold him. Just say it. Crush me like a bug

(Xev picks 790 up)

790: No?
XEV: No. I want to make you a deal 790: But why should I want to make a deal with you?
XEV: You want Kai to be yours alone, right?
790: Of course. I'm madly in love with him
XEV: And you're worried that I am your competition, right?
790: You're the only other woman onboard
XEV: I will agree to back off from Kai completely, but only if you agree to help me
790: I will do whatever I have to do. My love knows no limits

(Xev smiles)

(Stan's bedchamber. Stan is sleeping in his moth bed. Xev walks around it)

XEV: It's my turn to have the key

(Stan wakes up)

STAN: Huh? Oh
XEV: It's my turn to be captain

(She runs her fingers along the moth's door frame)

STAN: Oh, Xev, I was having a nice dream and you're ruining it
XEV: It's my turn to have the key
STAN: What are you talking about?
XEV: It's my turn to be captain
STAN: (sleepy) Uh - no, Xev. You can't be captain because I am
XEV: How is that fair?
STAN: I didn't say it was fair. Look, look at it from my side. I don't always want to be captain. I mean, you know, sometimes the pressure and responsibility can get you down but look, that doesn't matter - I've got the key, you don't. I'm the captain, period

(Xev puts her foot on the end of the bed)

XEV: You can transfer it at the point of death
STAN: Oh yeah, yeah, thank you very much, but I feel just fine right now

(Xev starts to crawl onto the bed)

XEV: Would you let me have a turn as captain if you could give me the key?
STAN: Yeah yeah yeah, I'm a fair person
XEV: So you would
STAN: Look, we can't do it, so it doesn't matter
XEV: Just answer, Stanley. If you could transfer the key, would you let me have a turn as captain?
STAN: Yes I would
XEV: Good

(Later, everyone is in the cryochamber. Stan is in a cryopod, with sensors stuck to his forehead)

790: If the key can be transferred at the point of death, what's the point of this?
STAN: Exactly. It's just a waste of time
790: Why not let Kai finally act like an assassin and kill Tweedle and be done with it?
STAN: Because unlike you, Xev is not a psychotic robot head
790: I'm a mad robot head. A crazy in love robot head. A Kai-obsessed robot head who wants to play hide the sausage with his man right now
STAN: Ooo, a poofter robot head!
790: I resent that
STAN: Oh, why? You're a he, he's a he
790: I am not a he. I am a she
STAN: Don't think so
790: I am
790: Am!
STAN: Not!
790: You just hate me because I'm different. You see only my hard metal exterior. You don't see the soft woman on the inside
STAN: Inside, you're a fuse box, pal
790: (sobs) Kai. Please Kai. I really need a kiss right now
STAN: Oh, yuck!

(Kai leans over and plants a kiss on top of 790, who has hearts on his eye screens)

790: I am at the point of joy
KAI: The point of death is the point of joy
STAN: What are you talking about?
KAI: I died a long time ago, but I still remember the experience
KAI: I also remember the experience of sexual climax from the time when I was alive
STAN: Oh well, that's very nice. I'm very happy for ya
KAI: And - there is a certain similarity between the two events
STAN: (laughs) Between getting your jollies and getting killed?!
KAI: Yes. The quality of release was somewhat the same, only, with death it was far greater
STAN: Ah well, well that's interesting, that's something for me to look forward to - hopefully, a long way down the road
XEV: 790, focus on the part of Stan's brain where he experiences sexual pleasure
790: Urgh! I'd rather not - but, I will do it for the greater good

(790 starts scanning. Xev hooks her finger around Stan's belt buckle)

790: Hmm
XEV: What?
790: There is an unusually elevated level of electrical activity in the medulla sexuala
STAN: (to Xev, suggestively) Elevated
XEV: Is it the key?
790: I think it's just accelerated Tweedle perversion
XEV: Be serious, 790
790: I am! And I can't tell
XEV: But whatever is there could be the key to the Lexx?
790: Could be
XEV: Stan, when you first got the key, how did it feel?
STAN: I don't know. OK
XEV: OK, or - good?
STAN: I don't know, good I suppose, in a weird kind of way
XEV: A sexual way?
STAN: Sexual way? I don't know Xev, I mean I wasn't exactly focused at the time. I mean come on, you were there, it was 4000 years ago. I mean, maybe it was in, you know, a sexual way, I can't remember. Look Xev, this doesn't matter. I mean -

(He starts removing the sensors)

STAN: 790 can't find the key - ow! - and I am not at the point of death, thank you very much, which means that I am gonna remain captain of the Lexx for the foreseeable future, so we're wasting our time here, OK? Now I'm going to go back to my bed and get some sleep. Bye!

(Stan gets out of the cryopod, and leaves the cryochamber)

(Later, on the bridge. Xev is sitting on the pedestal, with Kai beside her, while 790 wheels around)

XEV: So - was it the location of the key?
790: I think so
XEV: Then how do we get it out of him?
790: Oh - Kai, please kill Stan. It's the best thing you could do for me
KAI: Why?
790: Xev and I made a deal

(Xev looks at 790)

790: She said that if I helped her get the key from Stan she would stay away from you and leave you to me alone without any competition from her so I can have you all to myself
KAI: Is that true Xev?
XEV: Stan instructed the Lexx to blow up the planet. I can stop him - if I have the key
790: But if we don't blow up the planets we're going to crash
XEV: It's not the right decision, 790. So Kai - how do we get the key out of him?
KAI: There is - potentially - a connection between the ecstasy of sexual climax, the ecstasy of death, and the location of the key in Stanley's brain. He may be able to transfer the key at will, if his medulla sexuala is stimulated to the required level of ecstasy
XEV: And how do we get Stanley to this level of ecstasy?
790: Easy. He likes you, you like him, what's the problem?
KAI: I do not think that a normal level of sexual excitation will suffice
790: Xev?

(Kai looks at Xev)

KAI: I'm sure she's up to the challenge

(Kai walks off the bridge. 790 tries to follow, but can't quite make it up the ramp)

790: Kai. Kai? Kai!

(Stan is sleeping in his bedchamber. Xev leans over him, and he wakes up)

STAN: What now?
XEV: I have another proposal

(Stan gets out of bed, and starts putting his uniform on)

STAN: I'm not wasting anymore time with this
XEV: You won't be wasting your time, I promise
STAN: You interrupted me once, so 790 could probe my brain, and what came of that? Nothing

(Xev stands behind him)

XEV: I agreed to give you the satisfaction you want if you could find a way to transfer the key
STAN: Yeah, well we didn't
XEV: We did
STAN: No we didn't, except at my point of death, which, you know, it's really not somewhere I wanna go right now

(Stan sits on his bed)

XEV: No. There is another way
STAN: What?
XEV: I want to bring you to the very extreme of sexual excitement, and then together we will travel beyond that extreme, into the land of ultimate sexual fulfilment
STAN: Me and you?
XEV: Yes. I want to take you where you've never been before

(Xev holds Stan's chin. He pulls away, and tries to put his boots on)

STAN: Don't tease me Xev, I am not up for it
XEV: I'm not going to tease you - I'm going to please you

(She strokes his face)

STAN: And er, and I just have to give you the key, that's the deal?
XEV: Oh no, it's not about the key anymore. I just want to surrender my body to you

(She takes Stan's boot, drops it on the floor)

STAN: Don't get me wrong Xev, you know, the idea of you surrendering your body to me, it's very very appealing, but you've come onto me like this before and it has not exactly resulted in er, what you say, ultimate sexual satisfaction

(Stan puts his boots on)

STAN: So, what's the catch?
XEV: The catch is that we may have less than 190 hours to live
STAN: Yeah?
XEV: I'm the only woman on the ship, and you're the only real man

(She puts her hand on Stan's chest)

STAN: Well, yeah
XEV: And you know I have special needs. So the time has just come

(She takes Stan's hand, puts it on her breast)

XEV: I want my needs filled - and I don't really care what happens after that

(Stan smiles, and rubs his nose against hers)

STAN: Yeah - I knew you'd come round sooner or later

(Xev walks away)

STAN: So - what's wrong? XEV: Nothing
STAN: Oh - don't tell me this is just another one of your teases
XEV: No. Not at all. You know, this is not just going to be ordinary sex Stanley. You're going to have the thrill of your lifetime, so there are certain things we have to do
STAN: Like what?
XEV: You'll see (smiles)

(Xev's bedchamber. She is sorting through some pieces of fabric when Kai enters)

KAI: Xev
XEV: Kai? What's up?

(She walks over to him)

KAI: I was - thinking about you
XEV: In what way?
KAI: I was thinking about you, in a different way
XEV: What do you mean, different?

(Kai kisses her, and she kisses back. Tongues are involved. She looks at him. He looks at her. She walks away, and he watches. She looks back - then leaves)

(The cryochamber. Stan is in a cryopod, wearing a strange outfit that looks like it's made of latex scraps. He's also wearing sensors, including some sort of groinal attachment. Xev is wearing a blue outfit made up of veils. She's attaching some rubber sensors to Stan's fingertips)

STAN: Is this really necessary?
XEV: It just makes it a more - committed experience
STAN: Well, maybe, but I'm not liking it
XEV: You will

(790 wheels in on his trolley. He hits something and flies into the air. Xev catches him and puts him on the cryopod control unit)

STAN: OK. Now that's it. You - go!
790: No
STAN: I am not gonna have the sexual thrill of a lifetime with you looking on!
XEV: He needs to be here
STAN: Well OK, then I'm outta here
790: I'll look away

(He looks away)

STAN: Xev, I am not gonna be able to perform with him here
XEV: We need his help Stanley. He can stimulate certain parts of you
STAN: No he can't!
XEV: Electrically. I will do the rest

(She makes some adjustments to Stan's clothes)

STAN: I don't know, Xev
XEV: This is not going to be ordinary sex, Stan - far beyond that
STAN: Well, can't we start with ordinary sex and work up from there?

(Xev grabs the groinal attachment, switches it on. It starts humming. Stan starts twitching)

XEV: It will be like nothing you've ever experienced before. 790, you can go for now. Stan and I would like to be alone for a little bit. I'll call you when I need you
790: No!

(Xev throws 790 onto the floor. She picks up a clamp)

XEV: But, to feel the ultimate in pleasure -

(She squeezes the clamp. Electricity crackles)

XEV: We're going to have to start with a little bit of pain

(She attaches the clamp to Stan's nipple)

STAN: I'm not good with pain
XEV: I'm very good with pain

(Stan is now wearing some sort of helmet on his head, lots of wires tailing from it. He has his hands over his eyes)

STAN: 17, 18, 95, 96, 97, 98, 99, 100! I'm ready!

(He laughs, and uncovers his eyes)

STAN: Xev?

(Xev has somehow arranged for laser lights at one end of the cryochamber. She steps out of the light, and starts doing her version of the dance of the seven veils)

STAN: Oh, yes. I want you

(Xev grabs his groinal attachment, switches on the electricity)

790: Oh, that's gotta hurt!

(Xev steps up on the cryopod, throws a veil over Stan's head, and walks out of the cryochamber)

STAN: Touch me again Xev. Touch me, touch me, touch me, come on! Xev! Xev!

(Xev is in the passage outside the cryochamber, getting her breath back. Kai approaches, and stands very close to her)

XEV: Kai

(Kai puts his left hand on her right breast)

KAI: I want you
XEV: I thought the dead didn't -
KAI: Get aroused? You're right Xev. My actions - do not make sense
XEV: What about the key?
KAI: I want you - right now
XEV: Let me finish with Stanley first. Then I'll catch up with you

(Xev lifts Kai's hair back, kisses his cheek, then turns away. She goes back into the cryochamber, picks 790 up and places him on the cryopod control unit. She looks at Stan. Then she steps up, removes the veil and kisses him, tweaking the nipple clamp for good measure)

XEV: The electricity goes straight to your brain!
STAN: Oh, Xev
XEV: It will shock you to the edge. And I will be the fire who takes you over it

(She kisses him again. Kai is watching from the passage)

790: Yeah!

(Xev waves a veil - she is down to a sort of bikini outfit now)

XEV: Are you at the edge, Stanley?
STAN: Oh boy

(Xev rubs herself against him)

XEV: I want your key in my keyhole. Make it come part way out, I wanna see it!
STAN: Oh, just forget about the key Xev, I want you now!

(Xev stretches her leg up against the side of the cryopod)

XEV: Just let me see it, please, if you can. Show it to me!
STAN: Now?
XEV: Yes

(She sucks a sensor off his finger)

XEV: Let your key come out to play. Show me more

(She holds her hand up)

XEV: I'm as hot as you are, Stanley. I want you. Give me the key, please! I promise I'll give it back to you
STAN: Do you really really promise?
XEV: Have I ever let you down? Ever? Ever?
STAN: Not really
XEV: No?
XEV: See, so give it to me
STAN: Oh, you're just playing with me Xev!
XEV: I wanna play all the way
STAN: All the way?
XEV: All the way!
STAN: All the way
XEV: Trust me!

(Stan's hand starts to glow)

790: That's it! That's the key!
XEV: Yes! Trust me! Trust -

(The key transfers, knocking Xev backwards. She looks at her hand)

STAN: OK now, Xev. Keep your promise. Take me to the edge and beyond
790: Go for it Xev. You want him. The security guard wants you. What's holding you back?
STAN: Huh? He's right. You made a deal
790: I'll close my eyes

(He does)

STAN: Come on, Xev. Gonna stick to your deal Xev?
XEV: (smiles) I always stick to my deals, Stanley

(She steps forward, switches off the groinal socket, and gets up on top of Stan)

STAN: Oh boy. Yeah. This works. This works. Oh, it's working. Oh, this is working. Yeah, it's working

(Fire and Water drift apart, as the Lexx spins in its orbit, pointing tail up between them)

(Later, 790 is on the bridge. Kai walks in)

790: Kai! The love slave slut let the security guard violate her with his spear of wickedness

(Xev walks onto the bridge)

KAI: Is this true?
XEV: Yes

(Kai thinks about this. Xev gets up onto the pedestal, activates the template)

XEV: Lexx - who is your captain?
LEXX: You are my captain

(Stan walks onto the bridge, doing up his uniform and singing to himself)

STAN: Stanley, so big and strong and manly, woo! (laughs) Yeah!

(He winks at Xev)

XEV: I order you not to destroy the planet
LEXX: As you command, captain, but I am very hungry, and I must eat soon
STAN: Oh, well, that's good, isn't it? Now the Lexx has nothing to eat, and our orbit's decaying so we're gonna crash. Nice choice, captain
XEV: No we won't
STAN: Oh yeah, why not?
XEV: We won't
STAN: Then how?
XEV: Somehow

(Xev gets down from the pedestal)

KAI: You can escape in the moths before the Lexx crashes

(Xev puts her arms around Stan's shoulders)

XEV: Anyway, if we do crash, it simply means we'll all die. What's there to be afraid of?
STAN: Hmm - well you see Xev, given an option I'd rather not die. Huh?

(Stan gets onto the pedestal)

XEV: Don't you believe in an afterlife, Stan?
XEV: Maybe you should
STAN: Oh ha ha ha, very funny. More fun at Stan's expense. Now look Xev, you said you were gonna give me back the key, I'm ready for it now so give it to me

(He clicks his fingers)

STAN: You said you always stick to your deals, now come on

(He clicks his fingers again)

XEV: I do. I will give it back to you when I'm ready - which is not now

(Stan frowns. He gets down from the pedestal and leaves the bridge. Xev smiles)

(The cryochamber. Stan is sitting on the base of a cryopod, looking at the helmet. Kai walks in, carrying 790 on his trolley)

790: She's total trash. There's no way you could ever see anything in her now

(Kai puts down 790, who wheels over to Stan)

STAN: And how is she total trash?
790: I admit I have never thought much of her, but even I didn't think she'd ever sink to Tweedle's level
STAN: Well, thank you very much 790. Listen, since you don't have a body and you never will have -

(He puts the helmet on 790)

STAN: It means you're never gonna have the kind of personal experience that I just had, so maybe you'd like to know what it's like to have the ultimate sexual experience with a woman?
790: I am not interested in any type of sexual experience with a woman. I am only interested in sex with my stiff
STAN: OK then, have it your way. Just go right on imagining. I was only trying to help

(Stan gets up)

KAI: I am interested
STAN: In what?
KAI: In the details of your sexual experience with Xev
790: Oh, no!
STAN: (surprised) Really?
KAI: Yes. I would like to know what it was like - all the details
STAN: You would?
KAI: Yes
STAN: The dead are unpredictable

(The bridge. Xev is on the pedestal, watching Fire and Water on the view screen. She activates the template)

XEV: Lexx?
LEXX: Yes, captain?
XEV: I want you to fly away from here
LEXX: I cannot do that. I am out of energy and am not able to fly unless I eat. And captain?
XEV: Yes?
LEXX: I am very hungry. I must eat, soon
XEV: But you can still blow up planets, right?

(Stan walks onto the bridge)

LEXX: I can still blow up planets for now, but I am very hungry
XEV: I'm going to give you a new order
LEXX: I will do as you command. You are my captain
XEV: Lexx, I want you to -
STAN: What are you doing?
XEV: (all innocence) Practising
STAN: Practising. Well, I say that is enough practising. Now look Xev, I kept my end of the bargain. You had your turn as captain

(Xev gets down from the pedestal)

STAN: Give the key back to me, now
XEV: How?
STAN: How, I don't know how. Look, you took the key, you give it back
XEV: I brought you over the edge of sexual ecstasy so you could give me the key. The same has to happen to me so that I can give it back to you. How am I supposed to get there?
STAN: Well, same way. I'm ready for round two

(Stan puckers up)

XEV: But I did not get over the extreme edge of sexual ecstasy in round one
STAN: (smiles) Oh, yes you did
XEV: No, I didn't
STAN: OK, well - how'd you get the key?
XEV: I didn't have to be over the edge of sexual ecstasy to get the key. Only you had to be there to give it away
STAN: Oh, so, so you were faking it
XEV: Yes

(Stan laughs, and gets up on the pedestal)

STAN: I don't believe you! It was too -
XEV: What?
STAN: Real!
XEV: (smiles) Believe it, Stan. You didn't bring me anywhere near the edge of sexual ecstasy. And if it didn't happen in round one, it's also not going to happen in round two

(The cryochamber. 790 is struggling to move his trolley. Kai picks him up)

790: I don't know what you ever saw in her
KAI: I did not see anything in her

(Kai puts him back on his trolley)

790: Exactly. Kai?
KAI: Yes, 790?
790: You know I'm really a woman, don't you?
KAI: No. I do not know that

(Kai gets up, and starts tidying up some of the props from the ultimate sexual experience)

790: What do you mean?
KAI: You are a robot head
790: With a woman trapped inside. Can't you see that?
KAI: No. I cannot see that
790: How can you do this to me? After the humiliation I just put myself through with Tweedle for you! How can you just slap me in the face now?!

(Kai picks 790 up)

KAI: 790 - I have to admit there is a possibility that you are indeed a woman inside

(He walks out of the cryochamber)

(Xev is looking around Stan's bedchamber. She touches one of the columns, and looks at her fingers. Stan's costume seems to be on the bed. Hmm - does this mean Stan's wandering around the Lexx naked? No. Stan is fully clothed, on the pedestal on the bridge)

STAN: OK, one more time

(He tries the template - but nothing happens)

STAN: Lexx? Lexx, this is your captain, Stanley H Tweedle, remember me? Lexx you can't have forgotten me that quickly. Remember all those planets we blew up together?

(Xev walks onto the bridge)

STAN: Lexx?
XEV: I will give it back to you

(Stan gets down from the pedestal)

XEV: And we aren't going to crash
STAN: Yeah. Well, how can you give it back to me if I don't, you know, do it for you?
XEV: I will simply bring myself over the edge of sexual ecstasy
STAN: You can do that? I mean, on your own?
XEV: Sure

(She gets up onto the pedestal)

STAN: Yeah well look, the Lexx's orbit is decaying, and we will crash unless he gets something to eat soon, and the only thing out there to eat are those two planets, so -

(Xev activates the template)

XEV: Lexx
LEXX: Yes, captain?
XEV: How long before we are directly aimed at the planet Water?
LEXX: In 4 minutes and 12 seconds I will be aimed directly at the water planet
XEV: Then please, when you are directly aimed at it, I want you to destroy it
LEXX: May I eat the chunks that fly away when I blow it up?
XEV: You may eat and drink your fill
LEXX: Thank you, captain
STAN: Wait now - I thought you didn't want to blow up the planets?
XEV: I've changed my position

(She gets down from the pedestal)

STAN: OK, well wouldn't Fire be a better choice to blow up? I mean, if we have to?
XEV: They're both weird planets
STAN: Yeah
XEV: Anyway, we are aimed at Water now, and we are running out of time
STAN: Yeah

(Xev puts her arm around Stan's shoulders, and leads him off the bridge)

STAN: Where are we going?
XEV: I may not have reached the height of sexual ecstasy in round one, but maybe we will make some progress in round two

(The cryochamber. 790 is wheeling his trolley against Kai's legs, trying to lick him. Kai pushes his hair back behind his ear, then steps forward as Stan and Xev arrive)

STAN: - you were wearing, but that rubber thing that I had, I didn't like it all that much, it was just kinda tight and -

(They stop as Kai steps in front of them)

XEV: I'm going to return the key to Stanley

(Kai blocks her way, then kisses her)

STAN: Huh? Hey, she's with me!

(Kai breaks off the kiss, and looks at Xev)

KAI: Why?
790: Oh, universe of despair!
KAI: Do you want me, Xev?
790: Please Kai, she's a tramp!

(Stan is quite put out by all this)

XEV: This is not the right time
KAI: Why not?
XEV: Because
KAI: Because why?
XEV: Because I'm returning the key to Stanley. We'll have lots of time later. Now just let me pass

(Xev tries to move, but Kai stops her again)

KAI: You must achieve the required level of ecstasy in order to transfer the key. Stanley cannot bring you there
STAN: Yes I can!
XEV: I can reach it by my own
KAI: You know this level of ecstasy well, don't you?
XEV: I do - very well
KAI: Like me, you have been there before
XEV: Many times
KAI: And I will bring you there again

(Kai fires his brace into Xev's stomach. Behind her, Stan jumps back, shocked. Xev gasps, as Kai leans her back into the cryopod)

790: Good shot! Now you can call yourself an assassin
STAN:(stunned) Kai - you killed Xev

(Kai looks at him, then holds up Xev's hand)

KAI: Hold up your hand, Stanley
STAN: You killed Xev
KAI: Hold up your hand, Stanley
STAN: You killed her

(Kai retracts his brace. Xev moans. Kai holds Stan's hand up to Xev's, and the key transfers. Stan looks at his hand as Xev's body slumps to the floor - and disappears)

KAI: Did he tell the Lexx to destroy Water?
STAN: Who?
KAI: Him. Xev
STAN: Well yeah, Xev did. How did you know?
KAI: Because we are close to the point where Lexx will be directly aimed at it. Quickly - you must tell Lexx not to destroy it

(Stan and Kai leave the cryochamber)

790: Kai! Kai! Kai, give me a lift!

(They reach the bridge. Stan gets up onto the pedestal and activates the template)

STAN: Lexx - don't destroy the water planet
LEXX: As you command, Stan

(Stan breathes a sigh of relief)

STAN: How much time did we have, Lexx?
LEXX: I was going to blow up the water planet in 53 seconds, Stan
STAN: OK Lexx, I am your captain now. Don't listen to anyone else, anymore, ever. Just do as I command, OK?
LEXX: You are my captain, Stan. I always obey my captain

(Stan sits down. Kai steps down into the well)

STAN: Oh boy. Kai - you killed Xev
KAI: No, I did not. I killed Prince
STAN: What do you mean? Xev, Xev was Prince? Or Prince was Xev?
KAI: Yes. Or at least, what I believe to be Prince
STAN: That's what you meant by 'him'?

(Kai walks away)

STAN: Prince was Xev? Xev was Prince?

(The truth slowly sinks in)

STAN: Oh. Oh boy

(Stan and Kai, carrying 790, are walking through the cryochamber)

STAN: So where's Xev?
KAI: Likely on the planet Fire, where we left her
STAN: We better be on our way down to Fire
KAI: We have no time to waste
STAN: Does that mean that I didn't make love to Xev after all?
790: Doesn't matter. She's still trash
STAN: I really thought it was her

(Kai stops to put 790 down)

KAI: The Xev you saw, was a perfect reproduction. There was no way to tell
STAN: Well, how could you tell?
KAI: Prince did not kiss like Xev

(Stan and Kai take a moth)

STAN: Does that mean that I had the ultimate in sexual satisfaction with a man, or a woman?
KAI: I think that you are best placed to answer that question yourself, Stanley
STAN: OK, then she definitely was. I mean, it was the sex of a lifetime, it really was. So, she had to be, right?

(Kai says nothing. The moth flies down to Fire)

© Filking Fairy

© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana

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