Lexx 2.04 Luvliner (written by Jeffrey Hirschfield & Paul Donovan)
(Xev is asleep in her bed. Stan is asleep in his moth. Kai is
asleep in his cryopod. Xev starts writhing and moaning, which wakes Stan
up)
(On the bridge, 790 is on the pedestal, spouting
poetry)
790: On a branch, there is a fruit Plump and ripe for
sucking In her bed, there is a body Hot and right for -
(An
image appears on the view screen - scantily clad girls and guys dancing. It's a
tacky advert)
WOMAN: One on one MAN: Two on two WOMAN: You on
me MAN: Me on you
(The sound echoes through the Lexx - Stan
listens)
WOMAN: I got what you need, oh baby, baby. Have you got
something for me? MAN: How about a little bump and grind, momma? I want to
feel your steam. I want to ladle your cream
(Xev is asleep, but it's
getting through to her. The screen in the cryochamber is also picking up the
signal)
WOMAN: Be careful - I'm slippery when wet MAN: I've been
waiting so long - and it's getting so hard
(Xev writhes on her
bed)
MAN: My name is Cortanyo - but you can call me the pulsing
python of passion. I am young, tanned, cut and buffed 790: And
unwelcome! MAN: I'm looking for a woman - 790: Not here you're
not! MAN: - who doesn't tire easily 790: She's not listening! MAN: But
fair warning ladies - you may never walk again! I've got the love gun - are you
next on my hit list?
(Poor Xev moans)
WOMAN: My name is
Dineeta. Can you guess where my hand is right now?
(Stan
laughs)
WOMAN: And do you know what I'd rather have there? MAN:
Red alert! Massive object approaching
(This is torture for
Xev)
WOMAN: I'm young, stunningly gorgeous, and insatiable. I like
my men cuddly, mature, and time-tested
(Stan starts to put his
uniform on)
WOMAN: Are you out there, daddy man? Come to me - ravish
me! MAN: So leave a message - I'll get back to you. I'll get front to you.
I'll get all over you - because where there's meat, there needs to be
motion
(Xev finally wakes up. She gets dressed and heads for the
bridge, as does Stan)
WOMAN2: Come for romance. Come for sensual
adventure. Come to fan the flames of passion. Luvliner - we're wide open - to
anything. Cruise in and unwind in the sultry lovers' lounge, with its relaxing
garden courtyard. The water in the gilded pool is always warm - and
inviting 790: Ew! WOMAN2: And then kick back in one of our deluxe private
accommodations. Then dial up room service. We guarantee your order will arrive -
hot. So why not follow the dream beam to Luvliner - you'll be so glad you did.
You'll find us at Queeb sector, quadrant 6LM7. Hurry - we're waiting for
you STAN: Lexx - did you get those co-ordinates? LEXX: Yes,
Stan
(Stan and Xev look at each other)
790: Stop looking
at her, you bile inducing lecher! XEV: Off!
(790 switches
off)
STAN: So -? XEV: So -? STAN: (chuckles) What do
you think? XEV: I think, I want - one of those
(She points at the
pulsing python of passion on the view screen. Stan gets up on the pedestal and
activates the template)
STAN: Lexx - let's go. Hurry
(The
Lexx heads for Luvliner - a small satellite, which doesn't look as bright and
welcoming as it did in the advert)
STAN: Not exactly as
advertised
(A scruffy sleazy man in a dressing gown appears on the
view screen - Schlemmi)
SCHLM: (bored) Welcome to Luvliner,
we love having you here. What do you want, speak XEV: We, we - STAN: We
want action SCHLM: Who doesn't? Well, it's all here. We got babes, boys,
beasts, thinner, fatter, hunks, chunks, monks, twins dipped in batter, the
wiggle, the jiggle, the oo la la, people to spank you and sheep to go
baaa! 790: Right up your alley, Tweedle STAN: Ha ha
(Stan hits
790 onto the floor)
SCHLM: So - what's your poison? STAN: Well,
can't we come down and check things out first? SCHLM: Yeah, sure, what ya
got? XEV: Got? SCHLM: Cash. Coin. Currency. Well, what do you think, the
staff's here for exercise? XEV: Well, we have no currency 790: Or desire.
Xev, don't do it! STAN: But we've got things to trade SCHLM: Well we don't
trade STAN: But we have - SCHLM: A hearing problem! No trade STAN: No,
but - SCHLM: Listen bud - if it was up to me maybe we could bargain, but I'm
not the owner here, and the owner's policy is hard currency only. It's simple -
no money, no honey. So why don't you just take your big bug ship and turn it
around and go and try and find something you can do for free, huh? By the way -
what the hell is that thing? What kind of a loser flies around in a bug?
(laughs) A bug! STAN: Hey buddy, this is the Lexx, the most powerful
destructive force in the two universes SCHLM: Come on pal. What do you think,
I'm an idiot? Why don't you just get the hell out of here, before I come after
you with my swatter. This is a sex satellite, OK? Not a retard
depository 790: How about just one retard? SCHLM: Who said that? STAN:
Nobody SCHLM: Nobody - like you!
(He laughs, and cuts off
transmission)
STAN: Did you hear that? Did you hear what he called
me? He called me a nobody! 790: He was rude and unhygienic. Let's be off,
Xev XEV: Stan - you probably don't remember because you were frozen
- STAN: He called me a nobody?! XEV: - but when Kai punctured your heart
and they wouldn't let us into the medical satellite - STAN: Yeah? XEV: I
gave them a little - demo STAN: Oh. Ah. Yeah. Of course
(He gets
up onto the pedestal, activates the template)
STAN: Oh, buddy -
(Schlemmi reappears on the view screen)
SCHLM: I got
things to do and you got no cash - buzz off STAN: Lexx - could you destroy
that moon please? LEXX: As you request, Stan SCHLM: Oh, that's real funny
(laughs)
(There is a large red moon behind Luvliner. Lexx
powers up, and destroys it. Schlemmi has a sudden change of
heart)
SCHLM: Er. Oh. Well, um - hey, I completely forgot - do I
work too hard, or what? It's Bob's Comet Day! Yeah, that old Bob's Comet just
flew by, and we like to mark the occasion with, er, samples on the house, yeah.
It's your big time lucky feelgood ho ho Bob kind of day, yeah. We got freebie
visitor pass things, you know, whatever. So, er, why don't you come onboard,
good people? It's time for love XEV: Excellent 790: Meat love does not
compare to metal love XEV: I think I'll find that out for myself 790:
Agony!
(Stan, Xev and 790 fly out in a moth)
XEV: I don't
know Stan. Historically you don't have much luck in places like this
(smiles) STAN: I have a feeling my luck is about to change XEV:
Let's hope so
(Inside Luvliner, they go into the lounge area - not as
it looked n the advert. Loud music, not particularly attractive
people)
790: Times like this, I'm glad I have no sense of
smell
(They walk past bored looking girls - one of whom is turning
down a man who is wearing what looks a lot like a Star Trek
uniform)
TREK: Come on, please - just a little GIRL: Hey, I've
been telling you all day - no pay, no lay TREK: Please, I'm good for
it!
(The gilded pool looks distinctly grubby. A fat old naked man
splashes his hand in the water)
OLD: Hey beautiful - go for a
dip? XEV: Pass
(Schlemmi is at a counter, behind a metal grille -
which an angry client is rattling)
CLIENT: You cheat! You worm! I'll
kill you! I'll bust you up! SCHLM: Let go of those bars - now CLIENT: You
gimmee the rest of my time, or I get my money back SCHLM: Oh you do, do you?
You want more time? CLIENT: I want every bit of my time! SCHLM: Oh, your
time is over, pal!
(Schlemmi laughs, and pulls a lever, electrifying
the bars. The client falls to the ground, twitching)
SCHLM: That's
it, crawl away! Die slowly, buddy
(He laughs, then sees Stan, Xev
and 790 approach the counter)
SCHLM: Oh, hey - it's so nice to see
you in the flesh. I'm glad you could make it. Ooh, like the head 790: The
name is 790, cretin SCHLM: Hey, whatever you say, I'm easy. So - you the
whole crew? Kind of a big ship for two people 790: Three! XEV: Two and a
half STAN: There's one more onboard, he's not like us though SCHLM: Oh, so
what's he like? STAN: Oh, you'd like to know? SCHLM: No, not really. Just
figured he'd want some fun STAN: No, he doesn't like fun. He's an assassin.
He's killed people, thousands SCHLM: That's great STAN: So where are the
babes? SCHLM: Oh yeah, right, babes (laughs) I guess you're looking
for some real hot fun, right?
(He hands Stan, Xev and 790 perspex
keys, shaped like penises)
SCHLM: OK, the right for you, the left
for you - and head gets the middle. So, all you gotta do is step on in and let's
get pumping STAN: By the way, I instructed that our spaceship can blow this
place to smithereens if we're not back onboard in two hours SCHLM: Yes sir.
Yeah, that's quite a good precaution sir. You know, you can't trust anyone in
this universe these days. You be sure and have a good stay with us, huh? And oh,
by the way - Happy Bob's Comet Day! (laughs)
(Xev puts 790's
key in the lock, and the door opens)
790: Xev, you can't be serious!
There's no-one for me but you! Don't place me in the arms of another! XEV:
Come on, a nice lady robot to rub your neck stump - you might like it 790: I
won't!
(Xev steps inside. The entrance spins round, and she enters a
very grubby looking room. She puts 790 down on the bed, and walks
away)
790: Xev? Xev! Don't leave me Xev!
(Stan puts his
key into the lock - has to try it several times before it works. He walks
straight into a hanging decoration of plastic hearts - about the only decorative
feature of the room. The tiles are old and cracked, the mattress is not nice at
all. Stan sighs, and checks himself out in a broken mirror. He pokes at the
mattress, gets it to lie flat, then sits on the bed)
(Xev's room is also
not very appealing - and has an assortment of sex toys hanging from the wall.
She sits on the bed, and presses a button on a machine nearby. A hologram of
lips appears, and a woman's voice begins to speak)
WOMAN: Welcome,
love seeker. Please take a moment to help us learn just what sort of pleasure
you seek. Your preferences will be carefully processed, and the most appropriate
candidates will be presented to you
(790 is also stating his
preferences)
790: I'm after Xev WOMAN: Do you prefer the opposite
sex, your own sex, hybrid, or other alternative? If alternative, please specify
- 790: Xev! Xev! Xev! Always and forever Xev! WOMAN: - human, animal,
plant, mineral, machine, virtual, or -
(Stan switches his machine
on)
WOMAN: May your selection bring you the satisfaction you clearly
deserve
XEV: Muscles, yes
(A hologram appears, of a muscular
man in a loincloth)
XEV: Hmm - not bad
(Another hunky
hologram appears)
XEV: Not bad at all
(Stan is not having
much luck - so far the machine is only showing him fat women)
STAN:
No, no, no - you're kidding, aren't you? There's a funny part,
right?
(And now the hologram shows him a rear view of one of Xev's
hunks, bending over)
STAN: Must we?
(790 is offered a
toaster, then a blender)
790: No, Xev! Xev, Xev,
Xev!
(Stan is still getting fat women)
STAN: Is this
machine busted?
(Meanwhile, a ship is heading to Luvliner. A leather
clad man with a shaved head is speaking to Schlemmi)
SCHLM: Yeah,
Aulk, that's what I'm saying, a giant bug - you should have seen that thing take
out Boron 13. Aulk, it was there, and boom! It wasn't. Oh, it was unbelievable.
This is big, I'm telling you. This is the big score AULK: And the crew -
there is only two? SCHLM: Er - and the robot head AULK: Right. That's
all? SCHLM: Yes AULK: Nobody else? SCHLM: No. Er - they said something
about, er, some assassin or something was onboard, I dunno AULK: Either
there's an assassin onboard, or there isn't SCHLM: OK, so they said there
was, but I don't believe 'em. Why would anyone stay behind, huh? Everybody knows
that assassins are crazy for nookie, right? AULK: Not all of them. Did they
say he was dead? SCHLM: Dead? How could he be dead? It's a crock, all right?
They're just pulling my pud (a buzzer sounds) Look, I gotta go here so,
you in or what? AULK: Maybe. 90 10 SCHLM: Oh, we're talking deal huh? I
like it (laughs) AULK: Me 90 you 10 SCHLM: What? Forget about it.
There's a lotta guys I could offer this to. I got people - AULK: Shut up,
Schlemmi. Anyway - I'll think about it SCHLM: Don't think too long,
huh?
(Stan hits a button on his machine and a panel opens, showing a
screen with Schlemmi on it)
SCHLM: Problem? STAN: Yes. There is a
problem. Your selection sucks! I ordered attractive! SCHLM: Well, you're
seeing top of the line sir. It hasn't been a great year for recruiting. Just dim
the lights a little, you'll be fine STAN: See, I'm getting upset - and when I
get upset, I like to cause trouble SCHLM: I'll, er, see what I can do
sir
(He vanishes, reappears. The hologram shows a picture of a rather
skinny woman, with big hair)
SCHLM: She's our number one. Hot.
Reserved for our top clients. Give her a chance - you won't be
disappointed
(Xev is still looking at pictures of
hunks)
XEV: No. Close, but no (hologram of 790) No (and
then Stan) No!
(Another man - a stud muffin. The hologram
speaks)
VARR: My name is Varrtan. My body speaks for itself. My
sexual thirst can never be quenched. Love is a fire - and I am the
fireman XEV: Him
STAN: OK. Her
(790 is now being offered
some pliers)
790: Say - do you have any living well-built male
bodies without heads?
(Xev's room. A door bell
sounds)
XEV: Come in
(In walks Varrtan, wearing tight
gold leggings)
VARR: I am Varrtan XEV: Are you
ever
(Varrtan looks at her - and the poor dumb hunk is
smitten)
VARR: You are unbelievably beautiful XEV: Well, you're
not bad yourself
(Xev walks around him, running her fingers over
him)
VARR: Oh - a truly extraordinary woman - and well versed in the
ways of love XEV: Not really. I was transformed into a love slave, but
- VARR: But what? XEV: I've never done it before VARR: You're joking,
of course XEV: No! VARR: A virgin? XEV: (smiles) Not for much
longer, am I?
(Stan's room. A door bell sounds)
STAN:
Come in
(In comes the rather scrawny woman)
RISSHA: I am
Rissha. What is your name? STAN: Stanley. Stanley Tweedle (stands up)
Er, look, er - nothing personal, but um - I was hoping for somebody a
little more, um, you know, a little more -
(Rissha looks down at her
chest, and holds up her hands to indicate something a little more
buxom)
RISSHA: I see. I will go STAN: Good. I mean, I'm sure
you're very nice and everything, but you see, nice isn't exactly what they
promised. Does that make me a bad person? RISSHA: No. You are the customer.
You should have what you want STAN: See, you understand! I mean, all I want
is what they said they had, and now it turns out they don't have it, I mean not
even close - I mean, personal preference wise
(Rissha moves
closer)
RISSHA: You find me unattractive?
(Stan sits down
on the bed, trying to dig himself out of this one)
STAN: No, no! No
no no no. I didn't mean it like that, I mean, you're not unattractive, I mean,
not exactly most attractive either, oh, er, see, what I'm trying to say
- RISSHA: You don't have to say anything. You obviously have certain
standards, and expect them to be met STAN: Well yeah! Exactly. Thank you for
seeing that
(Rissha puts her leg up on the bed, strokes
it)
RISSHA: It was obvious
(790 still hasn't made a
selection)
790: Hello! Is anyone listening? I demand to be taken
back to Xev without delay. These others mean nothing to me! Only Xev owns my
heart
(The door opens, and someone picks him up)
790:
About time SCHLM: I've been waiting an eternity for someone like
you
(790 screams)
(Xev has not made much progress with
Varrtan)
XEV: You what? VARR: I wanna take it slow. Look, my
family is deep in debt and I only do this for the money - what little it pays.
But Xev - you are too special to waste on some cheap throwaway encounter. I must
gaze upon your body, drink you in, kneel at your feet, adore you, savour this
sweetest of moments - XEV: So, let's just get on with it VARR: Xev, angel
- XEV: I've waited too long. Get naked VARR: It's not that easy, I mean I
- XEV: What?! VARR: I love you XEV: We just met two minutes
ago VARR: I know, but it's real XEV: Then - take your pants off, and prove
it
(She pushes him back onto the bed)
(Schlemmi puts 790 on
top of the holo machine, and takes off his dressing gown. Underneath, he's
wearing - well, it includes leather harness, fairy lights, frills, black shorts,
and a large blue light over his crotch)
SCHLM: It's all the same,
after a while. You know - same old this, same old that - it's all flesh on
parade. I take a look at everyone who comes in here - it's a job
perk
(He flicks a switch, and the blue light starts
flashing)
SCHLM: Lemmee tell ya, I've been stinking in a pile of
'em. Fish girls from Pisac 3. Man apes from Remblan 11
(He puts on
some glasses, with small lights around eyes, mouth)
SCHLM: I've even
tussled with a couple of shell heads in my time. And there's one furry nympho
leper that still makes me all squishy inside (laughs) But - my tastes
have changed. They - shall we say - evolved?
(He pulls on a rubber
glove, with pink fur on the palm)
SCHLM: You're my kind of fun
now
(He raises 790 up to his mouth, and waggles his tongue. 790
screams)
(Aulk walks into the lounge, watches a man dressed in lingerie
walk into a room in which bleating can be heard. He smiles)
(Stan's room.
He and Rissha are now laughing together)
STAN: Um - Rissha? I'm
sorry I wasn't very sensitive when you came in first -
(Rissha puts
her finger to his lips)
RISSHA: Stan, don't - STAN: But I was a
jerk, insulting you - RISSHA: I know I'm not - the prettiest flower in the
vase STAN: (laughs) Neither am I RISSHA: But I could make you
very happy, if given a chance
(She runs her hand up his leg, across
his crotch, onto his other leg. Stan looks down)
STAN: Yeah?
(laughs) Me too. At least, I hope so RISSHA: Oh, I'm sure that you
could STAN: Yeah, I think so RISSHA: I know that you could (strokes
his face) And Stan? STAN: Yeah? RISSHA: I find you very
attractive STAN: (gulps) You - you do? RISSHA: In an unorthodox
kind of way
(She leans him back onto the bed - which is when Aulk
comes into the room)
RISSHA: Hey, wait your turn!
(Aulk
vaporises her with a blackpak, and laughs)
AULK: Get up, captain.
Up!
(Terrified, Stan gets up. Aulk pushes him into the lounge, and
vaporises the fat old man. They go into 790's room, where Schlemmi is bent over,
shaking, 790 pressed to his flashing blue light. He puts 790 down, takes off his
glasses/mouth contraption)
SCHLM: It's - well, it's - it is what it
is! (laughs)
(Stan looks sick. Schlemmi holds 790 up for Aulk to see.
Poor 790 can only make gibbering noises, his eyes replaced by spinning
spirals)
(Meanwhile, Xev is still trying to have her way with
Varrtan)
XEV: Get on that bed! VARR: Please - true love cannot be
hurried. The roots must be able to take hold and nourish the ever-blossoming
flower - XEV: Move it!
(She throws him onto the bed, manages to
chain his hand to the wall)
VARR: No, Xev, please, please. No, no,
no, no, no XEV: Yes!
(But Aulk and Schlemmi are outside her room,
with Stan and 790)
AULK: This better be the one,
Schlemmi
(He fires his blackpak, blasting a hole through the wall,
and walks into Xev's room. The blast throws Xev back against the wall. Varrtan
tries to release his hand, but Aulk vaporises him, and smiles)
790:
Darling wonderful Xev! - are you all right?
(Then 790 goes blank
again)
AULK: So - we don't need this one? SCHLM: No AULK:
She's cute SCHLM: Yeah - virgin, too AULK: How do you know? SCHLM: I
listen in (laughs) AULK: Virgin, huh? You like to experience new
things. I like to experience - the new. She's coming with
us
(Elsewhere - a white planet. Four men are gambling on some game,
similar to roulette. They're all hooked up to IV drips, but otherwise look
healthy. Schlemmi appears on a view screen)
SCHLM: Hey Flintock, hey
Brose. This is Schlemmi Ackakak, former manager of your skanky semen blasted
piss-pit known as Luvliner. That's right, you jar heads - I resign! FLINT:
You're dead, Schlemmi SCHLM: Me, dead?
(The gamblers all laugh at
him)
SCHLM: Now you listen. For years you screwed me while I ran
your freak show on that floating toilet - bad pay, no respect. Well, you're
gonna have your lips pressed against my butt for a change! So watch your
monitors, pimp sisters - it's payback time. Let's party!
(But nothing
happens. On the Lexx, Schlemmi turns to look at Stan, who is tied up on the
pedestal, as is Xev)
SCHLM: Let's party? STAN: I can't do
it
(Schlemmi switches on a weapon, points it at
Stan)
SCHLM: We may need you alive to drive this ship (aims at
Xev) - but we don't need Little Miss Hump-Me-Now here. If I raise the
voltage on my stinger here, it'll barbecue her brain (laughs) So, like
I said - let's party
(He holds the stinger to Xev's
neck)
XEV: Don't do it, Stan!
(Stan looks at her, and
makes his mind up)
STAN: Lexx - destroy the Luvliner LEXX: As you
request, Stan
(The Lexx blasts Luvliner. The gamblers watch on a
screen)
SCHLM: Yes! Woohoo! Goodbye, dog pound. Goodbye, smell of
urine and drunken whores, and creepy old men with hair on their backs and their
hands down their pants! Seeya, skin lesions and open sores, stained sheets and
soiled underwear, everywhere! Goodbye, overall rude behaviour.
Bye!
(Stan and Xev try to undo their bonds, but stop when Schlemmi
turns back to them)
SCHLM: OK, captain. Tell the bug to set course
for Omada 19 STAN: Lexx - set course for Omada 19 SCHLM: So I can deliver
my resignation in person (laughs) LEXX: As you request,
Stan
(Aulk walks onto the bridge, dragging Kai's cryopod behind
him)
STAN: Oh no XEV: Put him down! SCHLM: Who the hell's
that? AULK: The dead frozen assassin SCHLM: What do we want with him? I
mean - whatever keeps you dancing (laughs) AULK: You moron! Do you
know what we've got here? The Lexx! These are the people who stole it from His
Shadow SCHLM: Yeah, so? His Shadow's dead AULK: I know. But this guy
isn't. He's undead. He can still get up and kill - us. This blackpak here just
gives him a warm feeling inside. He's indestructible (laughs) I heard
there was one of these guys on the ship SCHLM: How do you know all this
stuff? AULK: Because my ambition extends beyond screwing robot
heads SCHLM: Yeah right, Mister Smart Guy. So if he's so dangerous, why don't
we get rid of him? AULK: That's why I hauled him up here, plug
boy
(Aulk kicks the cryopod)
SCHLM: Hey hey hey! Don't do
that, you'll wake him up AULK: No I won't. This is a cryogenic chamber. He's
frozen. When he warms up - if he warms up - well, then we have a
problem SCHLM: Hey, it's cool
(Schlemmi fires his stinger at the
cryopod)
XEV: Hey! STAN: Stop it! Stop it, or I'll - AULK: Or
what?
(Aulk walks up to the pedestal, looks at
Stan)
AULK: Stop it, or what? STAN: Stop it, or - or not. Um -
keep zapping it if you like, it's your choice AULK: I choose - to break your
finger
(Aulk bends Stan's thumb back until he cries
out)
SCHLM: I like the stiff, but how are we getting rid of
him?
(Aulk lets go of Stan, looks at Xev)
(A moth flies out of
the Lexx, with the cryopod held between its legs. Schlemmi is at the
controls)
SCHLM: I don't wanna do this! AULK: Pay
attention SCHLM: I'm letting go right now! AULK: No you're not SCHLM:
Hey - how do I know you're not gonna leave me out here and keep the Lexx for
yourself? AULK: I'm not. I love you too much SCHLM: Yeah. No, I love me
too much AULK: Listen up SCHLM: What? AULK: Turn your moth toward the
sun SCHLM: Why? AULK: Because, you're going to fire him into it SCHLM:
What? AULK: Just to be on the safe side SCHLM: Yeah, right. Anything you
say, Mister Overkill
(The moth heads for the sun)
AULK:
Now speed, get more speed SCHLM: (mimics) Get more
speed
(On the bridge. Aulk watches Schlemmi on the view
screen)
SCHLM: I don't trust you AULK: Faster SCHLM: It's
getting hot in here! AULK: Faster SCHLM: When? AULK: Hold it SCHLM:
When?! AULK: Now! Let it go now!
(The moth lets go. The cryopod
spins closer to the sun)
SCHLM: There. Dead guy go bye bye. OK.
Coming back now, I'm finished. Can you hear me? I'm coming back to the ship
now AULK: Drive safely XEV: You will pay! AULK: No (walks back to
her) We will play
(He rubs his hand on her cheek. Xev snarls,
and he laughs)
(The Lexx flies away from the sun, as the cryopod gets
closer to it. Schlemmi returns to the bridge)
SCHLM: OK - he's
history. We're done. Time to make boom boom on Omada 19, huh? AULK: Yeah. Why
not? SCHLM: Full steam ahead, captain
(Aulk walks up to
Xev)
AULK: Nothing but time on our hands now
(He holds a
knife up to his mouth)
AULK: So, um, are you - are you really a
virgin? Are you?
(Xev growls at him)
AULK: Well, this
will be your first (he unties her legs) Your best (hands) And
your last
(He pushes Xev to the ground, gets on top of
her)
XEV: No! STAN: Leave her alone! AULK: That costs you
three fingers SCHLM: I've got some unfinished business myself
(He
picks up 790, whose eyes are spirals)
SCHLM: Hi
handsome
(790 screams. Stan tries to untie himself, as Xev cries
out)
790: I don't care what you do with me - but don't harm
Xev! SCHLM: Don't worry - when Aulk's finished with her there won't be
anything left to harm. He's sick (laughs) Come on,
baby
(Schlemmi sticks out his tongue, and 790 screams)
(Near
the sun, the cryopod is starting to warm up)
(Aulk rolls Xev onto her
back, and puts his knife to her throat)
AULK: And just when I
thought it would never be special again
(He hums, and takes off his
blackpak. Xev growls)
AULK: I like the growl, baby XEV: You
shouldn't AULK: Why not? XEV: Because it's a Cluster lizard growl AULK:
Oh really? XEV: Really. I'm part Cluster lizard
(She pushes him
off her. The knife goes flying. She punches him)
XEV: For
Kai!
(Schlemmi drops 790. Xev hits Aulk again)
XEV: For
Stan! STAN: Yeah, come on, get 'em Xev! XEV: For 790! And my
date!
(Aulk falls to the floor)
XEV: Stan, go after Kai's
body STAN: Lexx - go after Kai's body LEXX: It is very hot - but as you
request, Stan
(Xev reaches for the blackpak)
SCHLM: Hey -
I wouldn't do that if I were you
(Schlemmi aims his stinger at
her)
SCHLM: Come on - gimmee a reason, huh? Go for it
(laughs)
(Aulk stands up, gets his knife)
AULK: Bad
girl SCHLM: Come on, go for it - where you want it, huh?
(Xev goes
for the gun, and Schlemmi zaps her)
STAN: Lexx - hard left,
now!
(The Lexx turns, and everyone falls over. The blackpak rolls to
the edge of the bridge. Xev gets up first, and kicks Aulk)
STAN:
That's it, Xev!
(Xev grabs the blackpak - and Aulk grabs her. The
blackpak falls off the bridge)
AULK: We'll have to skip the nasty,
and cut straight to the fun. It's too bad for you XEV:(sarcastic)
I'm heartbroken 790: Get to her - go through me first!
(Xev is
thrown onto her back again. Aulk pushes her to the edge of the bridge. Schlemmi
looks at Stan)
SCHLM: No more tricks. Reverse course
(But
Stan says nothing)
SCHLM: Do it, you! 790: Kill Tweedle - leave
Xev
(Xev growls, and bites Aulk's nose. He pushes her
down)
AULK: You're strong for a girl - but not strong
enough
(He pushes her over the edge. 790 screams. Xev's bonds catch
on a bar sticking out from under the bridge. Aulk gets out his
knife)
790: Xev! SCHLM: Reverse course!
(He aims his
stinger at Stan. Aulk crawls out to Xev)
XEV: No!
(The
Lexx is now close enough to the sun to see the cryopod)
STAN: Lexx -
I command you to - I command you to - get that cryopod! SCHLM: Oh, I'm gonna
have to hurt you now
(Schlemmi zaps Stan)
(In the cryopod, Kai
opens his eyes. He pushes the cryopod door off, and fires his brace at the
Lexx)
(Xev is still dangling. Aulk cuts at the bonds holding her
up)
XEV: No! AULK: You've got a lot of spunk. It would've been a
ride to remember
(Kai swings down onto the bridge. Xev falls. Kai's
brace catches her wrist, pulls her back onto the bridge. Xev punches Aulk,
knocking him off the edge)
XEV: Now that's a ride for you to
remember!
(Later, on the bridge. Stan, Xev and Kai are standing
looking at Schlemmi - who is on his knees)
SCHLM: You have no idea
what a horrible influence that guy was on me. He - he owned me. He controlled
me. He forced me to commit terrible crimes! But thanks to you dear, special, and
wonderful people, I am delivered from that unspeakable fiend. And now, I can
devote myself to the charitable work that I've always aspired to. Oh - thank
you, thank you. Thank you
(Stan and Xev look at each other, then at
Kai - who readies his brace)
(Later, in the cryochamber. Kai is back in
his cryopod)
STAN: Next time we go to a brothel, I'm taking you with
me pal, as a bodyguard KAI: I am well suited to that position,
Stanley XEV: Well, sorry for putting you in such jeopardy Kai KAI: You
were only trying to meet your needs
(The cryopod closes. Stan looks
at Xev)
STAN: I still have some needs 790: Your life will end in
pain XEV: Me too, Stan
(They stand face to face)
XEV:
And after what we've just been through, I know exactly what I'm looking for in a
man STAN: Oh yeah? XEV: Yes. He needs to be tall - STAN: (pulls
himself up) Yeah XEV: Handsome - STAN: (laughs) Yeah XEV:
And - dead
(She walks away)
STAN:
Dead
(Meanwhile, a shell made of Lexx membrane hurtles towards Omada
19. On the surface the gamblers are watching Schlemmi's
resignation)
FLINT: Play that last part again for me, will
ya? SCHLM: For years you screwed me while I ran your freak show on that
floating toilet - bad pay, no respect. Well, you're gonna have your lips pressed
against my butt for a change! So watch your monitors, pimp sisters - it's
payback time
(The shell crashes through the ceiling. Schlemmi emerges
from it, upside down)
SCHLM: Hi fellas FLINT: Hi Schlemmi
(laughs)
© Filking Fairy
© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana
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