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Lexx 2.03 Lyekka
(written by Paul Donovan, Lex Gigeroff)

(Pods which look like horse chestnuts with tails swim through space towards the Lexx. One gets inside, and flies through the galley, into the cryochamber. It goes past Kai's cryopod, then comes back and scans him. 790 is on the floor, mourning by Zev's jar. Tears run down the inside of his eye screens)

790: All night by the dead Zev
All night by dead Zev I did lay
If only my tears could be real
I would rust myself away
Oh Zev! Zev!

(The pod scans 790, then moves onto Stan's bedchamber. It scans Stan, who is dreaming. All we can see of his dream is a girl)

STAN: You want me to just - you want me to just - say it?
GIRL: Yeah, go ahead. Say what you're thinking
STAN: Er - the thing is, Lyekka, no-one really notices me much, and you're popular, even though some people say bad things about you, but you're different from those other girls, you're nicer. So, I was wondering if maybe somehow, you might, ummm -
GIRL: You can say it, Stanley
STAN: Erm - consider going to the dance with me?
GIRL: Me? Go to the dance with you, Stanley Tweedle?
STAN: Yeah - could be fun

(She starts to laugh at Stan. The sky behind her goes stormy, and more laughter can be heard)

GIRL: Girls, you gotta hear this - he wants to go to the dance with me!
STAN: Just - but -

(The pod moves onto the bridge and hovers near the ceiling. It unfurls long tendrils from its base. Something drops out of it, and moves along the passageway to Stan's bed. Stan is woken by a laugh)

STAN: What was that? Who's there?

(A girl walks into view. She is naked, but covered with strategically placed slime. She looks like the girl in Stan's dream)

STAN: Lyekka?
LYEKKA: Lyekka - yes. Stanley?
STAN: Lyekka?!
LYEKKA: I'd like to dance with you
STAN: This is strange

(Stan gets out of bed)

STAN: I was just dreaming about you - and now, here you are, but that was such a long time ago
LYEKKA: Maybe I am the woman of your dreams
STAN: Maybe. Once you were, for while

(He looks at her, and realises she is smooth around the bend)

STAN: How did you get here?
LYEKKA: I came from your dream
STAN: I don't understand
LYEKKA: (laughs) I don't understand either - oops

(She realises something is wrong. Blue light crackles, making alterations to her form - now she is wearing a dress, and has a smarter hairdo)

STAN: I'd better go wake up Kai

(Stan picks up his uniform and leaves. Lyekka follows him)

(Elsewhere, a space capsule leaves a little brown planet. There are three astronauts crammed inside - Moss, Bando and Boosh)

MC: Eagle 5, this is Mission Control. We're all green lights down here. Whenever you're ready, captain

(Moss starts to read a speech from a leaflet)

MOSS: For generations, we have dreamed of being able to see into space beyond the Great Ion Veil. Today, the first men from our small planet have begun to travel beyond that Great Ion Cloud that shrouds our small planet in silence and isolation and er, we will, we will -

(A helmet floats by - he moves it, but his leaflet floats away)

MOSS: - er, we will begin to see what, er, wondrous and great things -
MC: We're all ears, captain
MOSS: So, er, we the crew of the Eagle 5, if we do encounter, make first contact with alien beings, it is a friendship greeting from the children of our small but great planet of Potatoho
MC: It's a great moment in history
BANDO: Hull temperature up 70% captain
MOSS: Mission control, this is great, great big goodbye time. We will enter the Ion Veil in 12 seconds
BOOSH: 10 seconds now, 9, 8
MC: One great big goodbye to Eagle 5, from all the boys here at Mission Control. Talk to you again in 22 months. Good luck, fellas

(Alarms go off and light crackles, as the Eagle 5 makes its bumpy way through the swirly blue ion cloud)

BANDO: Hull temperature dropping
BOOSH: Captain, let me be the first to tell you that we are the first to perforate the Ion Veil
MOSS: That's great. Damage?
BANDO: Couple of scratches but no broken bones, best as I can tell Captain

(They do a quick game of One Potato)

BOOSH: Dig dig!
BANDO: Mash mash!
MOSS: Fat ass!
MOSS: You hear anything out there?
BOOSH: I hear squat so far, sir
MOSS: Gentlemen - we're on our way

(790 is reciting poetry in the cryochamber)

790: Eyes like jewels, skin sublime
Zev was the zeviest of all time

(Stan comes into the cryochamber, and starts activating the controls of Kai's pod)

STAN: We got a visitor, tin head
790: Not interested!
Mouth of an angel, hair beyond compare
Oh Zev, Zev, Zev, will you ever be there?
STAN: I don't know how it happened, but there's a girl I used to know, and now she's on the Lexx! At least, I think it's a girl
790: Please, I'm concentrating!
Hands of gold, buttery thighs
Breasts that were the perfect size

(Lyekka appears next to Stan)

LYEKKA: Who are you talking about?
790: Zev of course, you pale imitation of the human female form

(The cryopod opens and Kai gets out)

KAI: You have need of me?
STAN: Er - yeah, I think so. Umm - This is Lyekka. I used to know a Lyekka, a long time ago, and I was dreaming about her, and I woke up, and there she is - at least I - something that looks like her
KAI: What sort of a thing are you?
LYEKKA: A plant, I think. I came from Stan's dream

(Lyekka waves cutely at Stan)

KAI: It must have been a good dream
STAN: No, not really

(Kai gets back into his cryopod)

STAN: Wait, wait, wait! The thing is, that she's, um, - she's smooth, right round the bend. No sex parts. And she doesn't know how she got here

(Back on the Eagle 5)

BOOSH: Isn't this the ultimate fantasy?
BANDO: Not even close. The ultimate fantasy is an all expenses paid dream date with a super model who only wants me for my body
MOSS: Which super model?
BANDO: Any super model
MOSS: Bando - you wouldn't know what to do with a super model if you had one

(Moss puts on his cowboy hat)

BANDO: Oh, that hurts, Moss. I would take my super model to a real expensive restaurant - fancy, fancy, fancy. But she can't concentrate on the food, 'cause she's so turned on

(He floats food packets to the others)

MOSS: She likes astronauts?
BANDO: She likes this astronaut - big time. There's candlelight, some nice music, everything's real classy. We got a bottle of real wine, she starts playing footsie under the table
MOSS: And then?
BANDO: You mean after dinner? I give her the big one

(Moss and Boosh exchange amused looks)

MOSS: Wait a minute - does Sally Sue know you're renting out the big one?
BANDO: Sally Sue is not part of my fantasy. She's part of my real life
MOSS: OK. Fair enough. What about you, Boosh?
BOOSH: My fantasy?
MOSS: Yeah
BOOSH: If I had a fantasy, this would be it
MOSS: No, no, what's your fantasy?
BOOSH: This. I've been waiting my whole life for this moment. You see, I wanna go down in the history books as the first, the very first to come into contact with intelligent alien life forms
BANDO: How about you, Moss? Being out here your ultimate fantasy?
MOSS: No siree
BANDO: What then?
MOSS: Values
BANDO: I don't get it
MOSS: Values. The quiet, good, simple life we have back on Potatoho. You see, I like, I like to be in a garden. I like to work the soil with my hands, get everything just right. And then just as the sun changes, Becky Boo'll come out on the back porch and she'll say "EJ, are you gonna stop playing around in that silly old garden, and come in here and start playing around with me?"
BOOSH: Well, you know what they say captain
MOSS: No, what?
BOOSH: You can take the boy out of Potatoho, but you -
BANDO: - can't take the Potatoho -
MOSS: - out of the boy!
BOOSH: Captain? I think I hear something

(They can hear 790 sobbing)

BOOSH: Real distant, but it might be something interesting

LYEKKA: What are you?
790: A broken heart in a metal head
My darling Zev is dead, dead, dead!
Oh, how full and moist your lips
Oh, how round and choice your hips
And your voice, so full of glee
Please be Zev again for me
STAN: Zev was a crew member. She died. That's all that's left of her

(He points to Zev's jar, which has the rubber parts of her costume draped around it. Lyekka looks at Kai)

LYEKKA: I like Stanley better than I like you
KAI: Why?
LYEKKA: I don't like dead things
KAI: I do not understand what she is
LYEKKA: I'm hungry

(An image of the Eagle 5 astronauts appears on a small view screen in the cryochamber)

MOSS: Come in. This is Eagle 5. Can you identify yourself? I repeat, this is Eagle 5
KAI: It seems we have more visitors
MOSS: Can you acknowledge?
STAN: Great - open house on the Lexx
MOSS: I repeat, this is Eagle 5. Can you acknowledge? We are intelligent

(Eagle 5 approaches the Lexx. Stan, Kai and Lyekka watch from the bridge)

STAN: I don't know if this is such a good idea, maybe we should just blast 'em
KAI: They don't show any signs of aggression
LYEKKA: I like them

(Kai takes a moth out to the Eagle 5, salutes, then points to himself, then back to the Lexx. Kai leads the astronauts onto the bridge of the Lexx. They are all wearing protective suits, and pulling an oxygen supply behind them. Moss has his leaflet. He starts to speak, slowly and clearly)

MOSS: Greetings, from the children of the planet Potatoho

(Boosh hands Moss a potato, which he offers to Stan)

MOSS: This is a potato. It is a symbol of the fertile soil of our beautiful planet

(Stan takes the potato)

MOSS: I am EJ Moss, captain of the Eagle 5

(Stan salutes)

MOSS: And er, this is LL Boosh. He is the science officer, and this is PT Bando, he is the, er, the flight officer, the flight officer, navigator -
KAI: We can understand you
MOSS: You can?
KAI: Yes we can

(Kai is almost grinning. Stan gets up on the pedestal)

STAN: I am Stanley Tweedle, captain of the Lexx. Er - you can, you can take off your helmets

(Boosh takes his helmet off and checks the air, then Moss and Bando do the same)

MOSS: Well, um - what is the Lexx?
STAN: Er, well, Lexx - why don't you tell them who you are?
LEXX: I am the Lexx
LYEKKA: And I'm Lyekka
STAN: Yeah, well, Lyekka's, um, er, well - Lyekka's actually, well, pretty difficult to explain
MOSS: You're humanoids. You're humanoids!

(Moss shakes hands with them all)

MOSS: Hi, hi. You're humanoids. Hi, how are ya?

(Lyekka licks his nose, which takes him by surprise)

STAN: Well, I definitely am. Lyekka - I'm not, well, I think she's a plant, and Kai - well, Kai was
MOSS: You were?
KAI: Yes I was, until I died, 2009 years ago
MOSS: You - wow. Isn't that something?

(Later - everyone is in the cryochamber. The astronauts have taken off their protective suits, and are now wearing overalls and string vests)

STAN: OK. Well, This is the cryochamber here. This is a cryopod, and er -
MOSS: Is that where you sleep?
STAN: No, no, no - Kai stays in this one, this one, open one, and this is the cryopod control unit and um - oh look, here, here, right here. This is 790. He's a semi intelligent robot head, with the emphasis on semi!
790: Get lost, creeps, all of you. Leave me alone with the most perfect woman who ever lived
STAN: Yeah, we used to have another crew member. Her name was Zev. She got blasted into that gooey protein in that jar there
LYEKKA: What was she like?
790: You heard me. The most perfect woman who ever lived. The most perfect woman who ever could be
STAN: Zev and I didn't, er - but she was OK. It's too bad

(Lyekka takes the lid off Zev's jar, sticks her finger into the goo and tastes it. 790 screams)

LYEKKA: She's nice
790: Ah! Kai, kill her at once, please! She's eating my darling Zev!
KAI: I will not do that, 790
STAN: Yeah, well, 790 has an attitude problem - easily agitated
790: Kill him too!
KAI: I will also not kill him - now
790: And you call yourself an assassin!

(Moss looks shocked by this. Lyekka looks at Bando)

LYEKKA: I'm hungry - and I like you

(Stan pulls Lyekka away from Bando)

STAN: OK, well, we'll get you something. Um - you guys, you guys hungry at all?
ASTRONAUTS: Huh - you betcha!

(Into the galley)

STAN: So, just order whatever it is you like fellas, and Lexx makes it for ya - most days, if all his special organs are working right - which isn't all the time!
MOSS: How, er - how do you recreate the protein?
STAN: Recreate the protein?
MOSS: Yeah. Well, I assume that you create diverse and complex foodstuffs from simple protein?
STAN: I don't know - who's counting? Lexx - feed 'em. Go ahead

(Moss gets a potato masher out from his overalls)

MOSS: Yeah? OK, I'll have some - mmm, potatoes. Sweet garden potatoes, please
BOOSH: Scalloped for me, please
BANDO: Just a plain order of big old fries for me please

(The nozzles squirt out something that looks nothing like potatoes)

STAN: Yeah, well, I'm not sure potatoes are Lexx's strong point, but it will taste potato-like - if you use your imagination. Lyekka?
LYEKKA: I'm not hungry for potatoes

(Stan looks slightly worried by this)

STAN: So, er - well, what's so great about Potatoho anyway? What is it, got a lot of potatoes there, or is it just shaped like a potato, or does it smell like a potato?

(Stan laughs. The astronauts don't)

MOSS: Let me tell you something, captain. I'll tell you what the great thing about Potatoho is. It's the great people. That and our great values. Isn't that right fellas?
BOOSH: Yes sir
MOSS: I mean, we may seem backward to you captain, but I don't think there's a man of us here'd exchange any of this for what we got on Potatoho. I mean, when I think of my, my farm, my little garden, my Becky Boo, my girl - I mean that, that can't be beat
BANDO: The only thing that does beat that captain, is snuggling up for a big cuddle with my Sally Sue
MOSS: Oh, my Becky Boo -
BANDO: My Sally Sue -
BOOSH: You have to excuse them, Captain Tweedle. They get it just about right except for one little detail
MOSS: Oh yeah?
BOOSH: I'm the only man gets to go home at night to my Mary Moo
MOSS: Sure
BOOSH: She's just great
STAN: You guys are lucky, I guess. You got girls to go home to
MOSS: Yeah

(Later. Stan leads the astronauts onto the bridge)

MOSS: Captain (he belches) Excuse me. Could you tell me something?
STAN: Yes?
MOSS: Did you ever come across any other intelligent life forms out in the great unknown yonder?
STAN: (laughs) Are you kidding me?! Where are you guys from?
MOSS: Captain - our small but great planet Potatoho is located inside the Great Ion Veil, so it is blind to any electromagnetic signals that might be coming from the great unknown yonder
STAN: Guess that'd keep ya a bit out of touch
MOSS: Captain - how exactly do you pilot the Lexx?
STAN: Drive this thing? Oh, it's very technical. But actually, all you gotta know is that Lexx does what I tell it to, when I tell it to - me and only me. Well, for instance, if I was to say, er, Lexx, blow up that small planet -
LEXX: As you request, Stan

(The Lexx powers up, and blasts a blue planet nearby)

STAN: Good shot
BOOSH: Potato-riffic
BAND: Big time
MOSS: Captain - where's our capsule?
STAN: Well, actually, er, Lexx just blew it up. Sorry
BANDO: So - how are we gonna get back home?

(Later. Stan is asleep. Moss watches him, then goes back to Boosh and Bando, who are resting on Zev's bed)

MOSS: I'm only saying it once

(Boosh and Bando get up)

MOSS: We'll do one hour recon. I'll go forward, Boosh, you aft, Bando, you got the bridge area

(They synchronise watches)

BANDO: One hour recon, bridge area, check
BOOSH: One hour aft, check
MOSS: We'll meet in one hour. Be careful of that guy with the hair
BANDO: One hour
BOOSH: Yes captain
MOSS: Watch out for the girl
BANDO: Yes sir. I'll just be thinking of Sally Sue
BOOSH: And me Mary Moo
MOSS: One hour, gentlemen

(On the bridge, Lyekka's pod moves, its tendrils sway. Bando comes onto the bridge and looks at the pod, hears laughter)

BANDO: Hello?
BANDO: Who's there?
LYEKKA: It's me - Lyekka
BANDO: Where are you?
LYEKKA: I'm right here

(Lyekka appears beside him)

BANDO: Are you alone?
LYEKKA: I'm not alone right now. I'm with you. Would you like to have me, Flight Officer Bando?
BANDO: No no no, I have a -
BANDO: Yeah, I would like to have you

(Bando kisses Lyekka, and they enter his fantasy. They are in a fancy restaurant - which serves potatoes)

BANDO: So, er - you know what I am?
LYEKKA: You're an astronaut
BANDO: I'm a pretty big astronaut. Big where it counts
LYEKKA: That's great. You're great

(She slides her foot onto his crotch)

BANDO: You can call me Big Boy Bando
LYEKKA: Big Boy Bando
BANDO: I bet I'm the biggest boy you ever had

(Lyekka smiles at him)

BANDO: Who's a big boy?
LYEKKA: You're a big boy
BANDO: Louder!
LYEKKA: You're a big boy!
BANDO: I'm a big boy. I'm a big boy!

(His head is getting larger, distorted)

BANDO: I'm Big Boy Bando!

(His face goes red, steam comes out of his ears, and his head blows off. Back on the bridge, there are chomping noises. The tendrils on Lyekka's pod shake)

(Meanwhile, back on the great planet Potatoho...)

MC: I would like now, on behalf of all the great citizens of Potatoho, to take a moment of heartfelt prayer, in the hope that our boys will come home safe and sound. And we pray that our boys will do us proud, that they -
MC: Not now - that our brave boys, who represent the small but great planet of Potatoho, will -
VOICE: Sir?!

(Mantrid drones devour Potatoho, form the shape of the Divine Order icon, then fly away)

(Moss is in the cryochamber. 790 is still spouting poetry)

790: Creamy calves, delicious toes
Zev is gone, oh worst of woes
MOSS: Cheer up, pal. You ain't seen the girls on Potatoho yet

(790 spits. Boosh comes into the cryochamber, so 790 spits at him too)

BOOSH: I can't find - I can't find Bando
MOSS: You go that way, I'll go this

(Boosh checks on Stan, who is still sleeping. Lyekka is taking a shower, still wearing her dress. Boosh watches her drinking water, then he goes to the bridge - and hears laughter)

BOOSH: Hello?

(Lyekka appears on the bridge)

LYEKKA: I was really thirsty, but I'm still kind of - hungry
BOOSH: What are you?
LYEKKA: I'm Lyekka, silly
BOOSH: Where'd you come from?
LYEKKA: I'm a friend of Stanley's. Would you like to be with me?
BOOSH: This will be just between you and me, right? Our little secret?

(Kai is watching them, unseen)

LYEKKA: Touch me

(Lyekka and Boosh touch fingers, and enter Boosh's fantasy. He is wearing a dinner jacket floating in the Eagle 5. Moss and Bando are in pyjamas and fluffy slippers, listening to a game. Lyekka is outside, tapping at the window. She vanishes)

BOOSH: Did you see that? I saw it! I saw it. We definitely got ourselves a third stage encounter
MOSS: Well, Boosh - why don't you look after it?
BANDO: Say hi for us, OK?
BOOSH: I'm gonna be the first to make contact
LYEKKA: Would you like to have me, Boosh? I can do anything
BOOSH: Isn't this the ultimate fantasy?
BANDO: That's great, Boosh
MOSS: Yeah
LYEKKA: Boosh, I'm right here

(Lyekka is floating outside the window again)

BOOSH: Guys - we've got a definite alien life form confirmed
BANDO: Really? That's great Boosh. So you ended up being the very first
MOSS: Yeah - you beat us to it, Boosh

(Moss is busy doing a crossword puzzle)

LYEKKA: Boosh, turn around, look. I'm inside now, Boosh

(Boosh turns around. She is floating toward him)

BOOSH: This is truly incredible
LYEKKA: I'm a real live alien, Boosh

(Boosh holds out a potato, wrapped in foil)

BOOSH: I've been saving this special potato ever since I was a kid. I wanted to be the first to give it to an alien
LYEKKA: Would you also like to make me feel good, Boosh?
BOOSH: I wanna be the first
LYEKKA: Come closer
BOOSH: I wanna be the first

(Lyekka floats closer, with her arms outstretched)

LYEKKA: Would you like to be the first to make an alien feel good?
BOOSH: I wanna be the first. I wanna be the first to make an alien feel really good

(A boot falls off as his legs are pulled up into Lyekka's pod by the tendrils. Kai watches. The Lexx passes through the Great Ion Veil, heading for Potatoho. Kai goes to Stan's bedchamber and wakes him)

KAI: Stanley. I have been observing Lyekka, and searching my memories to better understand her
STAN: What?
KAI: Her food gathering strategy is to imitate other life forms, so these targeted life forms will not act defensively before being consumed. Lyekka consumed Boosh and Bando
STAN: What, you mean she ate them?
KAI: Yes
STAN: Oh, that's just great! - we gonna save Moss?
KAI: I have no motivation to save Moss from Lyekka - or Lyekka from Moss

(Stan gets dressed, and heads for the bridge. Moss arrives at the same time)

MOSS: Captain?
STAN: What?
MOSS: Where's Boosh and Bando?
STAN: I don't know
MOSS: I had a rendezvous with my men 37 minutes ago
STAN: Yeah?
MOSS: Men from my unit are well trained, and are never late
LEXX: Stan, we're here

(The view screen shows empty space)

STAN: I don't get it
MOSS: What don't you get, captain?
STAN: You sure you gave me the right co-ordinates for Potatoho?
MOSS: I know where my planet is
STAN: Yeah, well, maybe, but we're here, and it's not
MOSS: What are you saying?
STAN: I'm saying that it looks like Potatoho has - gone for a walk
MOSS: Don't joke with me
STAN: Well, maybe it's a travelling planet, or if it's a potato maybe somebody ate it

(Moss starts to get just a bit upset)

MOSS: That's, that's, it's, what? right - oh, oh, sweet potato, no, sweet potato - You blew it up, didn't you?!
STAN: No, no!
MOSS: Yes you did, you blew it up. First the capsule - an accident, oh right! - and then my friends, sure, and now my planet! Oh god, my Potatoho's gone!

(Moss sees Boosh's boot)

MOSS: What's that?

(He picks it up)

MOSS: What's this?
STAN: I did not blow up Potatoho

(Moss grabs Stan by the throat and waves the boot in his face)

MOSS: What's this?
STAN: I didn't do anything to your buddies! It's her, it's that!

(Stan points at Lyekka's pod)

MOSS: What?
STAN: It's Lyekka, she's a plant
MOSS: No she's not, she's more human than you or me
STAN: No, she's a plant from my dreams that eats people, Kai told me!

(Moss lets go of Stan)

MOSS: Kai?
STAN: Yes, Kai
MOSS: The robot head said he was an assassin. That dirty bastard. Where is he?
STAN: You don't wanna mess with Kai, Moss, trust me
MOSS: Yes I do

(Moss storms off the bridge)

STAN: It's not Kai you gotta worry about, it's Lyekka!

(In the cryochamber)

790: Zev, those lips, that kiss you blew
Zev's the girl I want to - huh?

(Lyekka removes the rubber draped over Zev's jar and picks the jar up)

790: What do you think you're doing? Put Zev down. Horror! Outrage! Madness!

(Moss comes into the cryochamber)

MOSS: Where's the assassin?!
790: You, whoever you are, make her put my beloved down
MOSS: Where's my buddies?
LYEKKA: I kind of ate them. They were really tasty too
790: You heard her - she ate them. Now kill her. And then kill yourself - unless there's others onboard. If so, kill them first before killing yourself - after you return Zev, of course
MOSS: Shut up

(Moss kicks 790. He's losing it)

MOSS: Robot heads. Really dead guys. Weird little chicks from who knows where. Potatoho gone (sobs) I don't know what you know, little lady - but I'm gonna find out, and you're gonna be really sorry

(Lyekka leaves, carrying Zev's jar. Moss follows her)

790: No! Bring back my Zev!

(Stan and Kai arrive. Stan picks 790 up)

STAN: What happened?
790: She took Zev. I think she might eat her. Tweedle - I promise you. If you can somehow save her protein, I'll never say another bad word about you ever again, I promise!

(Moss chases Lyekka onto the bridge)

MOSS: Hold on there, missy. Where's my buddies?
LYEKKA: I told you. I was hungry - and they were yummy
MOSS: Don't laugh at me. I'm having a tough day. Where's my buddies?

(Moss holds up the boot)

LYEKKA: You're not afraid of me, are you?
MOSS: Why? Lady, I'm from Potatoho
LYEKKA: Would you like to make me happy?
MOSS: What?
LYEKKA: I would like to make you happy
MOSS: You know, I just don't get young people these days

(He is starting to fall under her spell, when Kai and Stan with 790 arrive on the bridge)

MOSS: Kai!
STAN: Don't touch her, she's got Zev
MOSS: Get out of my way
LYEKKA: I will make you happy
MOSS: Get out of my way. It's time for little women to make way for the men

(Moss touches Lyekka's shoulder to push her aside - )


(- and now it's Moss's fantasy. He's working in a field, wearing a loincloth and a sun hat. Dirty but happy. A cute freckled Lyekka is watching him from a porch)

LYEKKA: EJ! Are you gonna play in that silly old garden all day, or are you gonna play with me?

(This is a tough decision. Moss thinks for a minute - then goes back to digging his garden)

MOSS: Garden

(Moss starts watering his garden)

MOSS: Good garden. Good virtue. Drink up

(The field is full of heads - not heads of lettuce, but people)

MOSS: Garden is virtue

(Moss bends down to chat to the heads)

MOSS: Cheer up, son. Garden is value. Home sweet home Potatoho
LYEKKA: Whatever makes you happy, dear

(Lyekka smiles, as Moss disappears into her pod - along with Zev's protein. Zev's empty jar falls to the ground)

790: Zev! Kai - use your brace!
KAI: To do what?
790: Smash it open, get Zev out of there!

(Lyekka walks onto the bridge. Kai takes aim at her, but Stan steps between them)

STAN: Look, don't hurt Lyekka, OK?
790: Who cares about Lyekka? She's eating Zev! Kai, please Kai, shoot, hurry!
STAN: Wait - Lyekka can tell us what's going on
790: Kill the murderer!
STAN: Lyekka, where are the other two astronauts?
LYEKKA: I ate them both - they were tasty
790: See - she's a killer! A stone cold killer!
KAI: Both - why did you eat the third?
LYEKKA: I used his protein, and Zev's - to make you a present
STAN: A present?
LYEKKA: Because I want to make you happy. I looked inside you while you were sleeping, and I took the form of a girl I saw there. I knew right away that I liked you
STAN: What are you talking about, what present?

(Lyekka looks at her pod. Something drops down onto the floor, stands up. It's red-haired Xev, wearing nothing but slime and her rubber bits. She opens her eyes and looks around - then sees Stan and Kai)

790: What - ?!

(Xev is trying to remember their names)

XEV: Kai?

(Kai looks - stunned?)

XEV: Stanley

(Xev smiles. Stan looks baffled)

XEV: 790?
790: Xev?
XEV: 790
790: You're different - but it is really you!

(790 has hearts in his eyes. Lyekka stands next to Xev)

LYEKKA: I had to go on your description. I hope she's OK
790: She's perfect!
XEV: I'm back!

(Stan laughs. Lyekka goes to touch his face, and he flinches)

LYEKKA: I'm not hungry anymore

(Stan breathes a sigh of relief)

LYEKKA: I have to rest for a while. Is that OK with you, Stan?

(Stan strokes her face)

STAN: You're OK with me, Lyekka. But what happens when you wake up and you're hungry again?
LYEKKA: Then I will need to eat again
KAI: We will try to find you a planet suitable to your needs
LYEKKA: That would be nice

(Lyekka smiles at Stan, stands beneath her pod, and stretches)

LYEKKA: Sweet dreams

(The tendrils pull her up into her pod. Stan looks at Xev)

STAN: I, um - we all missed you
790: Not as much as me, maggot brain
STAN: You promised there were going to be no more insults
790: I lied

(Xev picks up 790, then turns to Kai)

KAI: It is nice to see you again, Xev
XEV: Maybe she can help bring you back to life too
KAI: I do not contain protein
XEV: I guess I'd better get dressed
STAN: How?
XEV: Well, I'll have to make something
STAN: Out of what?
XEV: Cluster lizard, of course

(Xev hisses, gives Stan 790, and skips off the bridge. 790 laughs. Stan pulls a face and shakes him, but 790 doesn't stop laughing)

© Filking Fairy

© LEXX - LIGHT ZONE 2005 HELEN & Trulyalyana

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